Way Too Late Pt 3

[1313]

New thread continued from here.

Yeah, court tomorrow. Yay!

...Yep, now you see how this makes a lot more sense than what you were describing last week? You were stressed for no reason...

Regarding the dog: I suppose it will be a non-issue. I wonder if your WW will show up tomorrow? Chances are you'll get the dog if it even comes up. Just have your evidence ready and convince the judge.

I'm on the other side of the support issue, which really bites. I'm the faithful husband yet I'm stuck paying my WW 40%+ of my net take home pay?!? How does that make sense??? I can understand if I'm the one who cheated on her. But because she had it easy before BD, I have to "maintain her lifestyle" through the divorce proceedings? I tell you, this is the one thing I find terribly unfair. I am totally fine paying child support but paying alimony to someone who did me wrong? I hate it.

CWOL, It's funny how some of us would gladly switch States to get the D laws of someone else. Personally, I think the CA laws blow - that they could care less about adultery. It's still a 50/50 split. And designed to be as fast as possible.

But for a lot of people - it's also fair. Just like it would be for poor broke.

CWOL - I am in the opposite boat - my H moved me to a state with no spousal support one year before he dropped the bomb. I will get no alimony even though I stayed at home (both of us decided this together so I gave up one career and never started another). So, I get nothing going forward for the 14 years I spent raising his kids and taking care of them while he built up his career traveling every week and screwing his co-worker the last 8 months. Even tonight (his overnight with the boys) I will pick them up from school and feed them until he gets them at 6. I am not complaining only because that gives me more time with the boys, of which I will take every minute I can. I understand your frustrations. I think infidelity should negate any spousal support or the person responsible should be the one to pay it.

Sorry for the hijack 1313

See broke, now that really stinks. You're in a State that gives you zip. California you'd get half of the estate, and spousal support (you'd still need to show you're actively seeking employment in most cases. And I can't believe you found a state that does this to the spouse, and not have any laws on the books about adultery! Most of the ones I've seen - if they don't split the estate they punish the spouse who's having the affair. And with you - you gave up your career which was a decision you both made - and now you're suffering for it.

Man, there are a lot of jerks roaming the planet. And here we are, wishing they would turn back into the people we married.

I would do anything to reconcile this M. I still can't believe that "I told my attorney to stop the divorce" with WW translation means "I'm not getting what I want, so I want to do something different to get more". This has been almost as big a kick in the gut as the original BD. I tried not to get excited, and to consider it being some sort of sick trick.

But it's been devastating.

So, I've pulled together all the docs I can find to get my dog even for a few days a week.

I watched the video I took on 1/27 - the last time I saw her. It was nice listening to her license tinkling as she followed me around the house. I wish I knew that was the last I'd see her for so long - I'd have spent an extra few minutes holding her.

Sigh. I've got to go fix dinner for my Mother - I'll try to visit later and spend time on someone else's thread. Mine is too depressing. It's nice seeing people who stand a chance.

[1313]

Yeah, word of warning about talking with friends - even really good ones. Really, really good ones. Even ones that are lawyers.

My good buddy all the way back from high school (1973) just confessed something. He got drunk and decided to try to interject himself since he considers us both good friends. This is regarding the "stop the divorce" thing. He asked the W about why she did this, and to give the dog to me. Why can't we just work this out?

Ugh.

So at best he would seem to be acting under orders from me, and at worst he undid any possible progress I might have made in the past 2 months as far as DBing. He put a bullet into what might have been.

He started running after the squirrel with a baseball bat swinging wildly.

F me.

I tried not to lay into him, and I thought I was as clear as possible as to how I was trying to proceed and how the whole DB thing worked. Why?

I'm really tired of people who drink and do stupid crap to tell you the truth. I'm so done. I can't believe it.

I'm not sharing anything with anybody from this point forward unless it's here. But now I really think it's too late.

This sadly explains a lot as to why things went sideways so fast.

I'm trying hard to not want to kill myself right now.
Does it ever stop?

The deep dark hole gets deeper and darker.

[broke]

I'm so very sorry 1313. I know your friend meant well, but that's such a shame. I wanted so badly for you to have a shot a reconciliation. A shot for the good guys. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. It's been a crappy day all around. Definitely post here and keep things to yourself. Keep taking the high road. And I sincerely hope and pray you get to see your beloved pup.

[Thornton]

13,

That single act by your drunken idiot friend will not make or break your sitch. Trust me.

Yes, it's not good that he did that, but it also didn't make the squirrel run away. The squirrel has never even come down out of the tree.

Even if you do end up divorced, your story still isn't over. Read about how common it is for people to remarry their former partners. Your sitch isn't hopeless.

This is another dip on the rollercoaster, ride it out.

If you think about it, you are still VERY early in your sitch. You have PLENTY of time to rectify things.

Relax and don't catastrophize so much. Just take a deep breath, realize that this sux but that you will get through it with time. There's no rushing this stuff, it takes a lot of patience.

Having patience is the last thing we want to hear when we are slowly dying inside but you must hang in there.

It really will be ok, no matter what happens. Don't give up.

[TimR]

1313 just breath. Your friend although stupid and not his place, had the most sincere thoughts and objectives.

Yes you are under an incredible amount of stress right now, D, court, WW and OM it is maddening. But you know what, far weaker people have made it through this and so can you. Be thankful for what you do have! Be thankful that you have some control over the sitch. DO NOT be shaken by her lying on the stand. BTW I tell people all the time, if you want to see some one lie watch someone testify. If you have a skilled lawyer it will become apparent.

One thing I want to tell, do not I repeat do not think poorly of the decisions you have made or think of hurting yourself. If nothing else to live for, you do not want WW to win! Promise me you will not consider these thoughts again.

[1313]

Thanks broke, Thornton, Tim - my friend got pretty indignant that I was upset he did this, suggesting I look in the mirror. I just asked him again and tried to explain the WW would see it as me putting him up to it. Feel free to talk to her about anything but us. I explained that she even felt I put her parents up to talking to her - putting them in the middle - when they're sentient beings capable of their own thoughts and emotions. Rational thinking and logic are out the window with the WW.

I haven't slept all night, finally got up about 4:30 and am getting ready to go to court soon. I don't even have anything to carry all these files in - it's pretty pathetic.

I'm not sure what to expect at all today - I sort of wish my lawyer had talked to me about it just a little. Maybe they just assume you know - but I'd sure like some bedside manor. I suppose today will be telling if I switch or not.

Thornton, I'd really like to believe it's early in the process. But as I've said - I'm having a hard time thinking of reconciliation when everything we've built together is about to be liquidated. I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to feel after court today. I might be ready to throw a match on it.

I'd have been feeling so much better if there hadn't been that $%&* glimmer of hope the WW threw out there - and still can't believe it happened. Or why.

I'll check back in after the ordeal. Thanks for sticking with me.

[broke]

Good luck today, 1313. Keep taking the high road. I know it isn't easy.

[TimR]

Let us know how it goes for you today 1313. Keep calm, you can DB even in a court room. Don't look mopey, look at peace, that will throw her through a loop!

[Mowgli]

1313,

Have you ever thought about asking for alimony from her?

From what you say you have a lot of highly marketable skills that you provided to WW under her business umbrella, essentially putting other career opportunities you may have had to the side in order to assist WW in building her real estate business.

I could see where that might warrant some spousal support.

Something to talk to your L about...

[Zues126]

Detach, relax, and realize you're experiencing some of the most intense, uncomfortable feelings you've ever felt in your life. When someone dies, you have grief, but it's an end of a life. Your long marriage is bouncing around like a ping-pong ball, and so are your emotions. They're temporary, your beliefs are not. Zues is one that helped me with that on this board, as did Sandi.

Funny Trumpet posted this. This is exactly right.

You keep talking about your feelings as if they are 'true', 'meaningful', or you have to 'act on them'.

I would do anything to reconcile this M. Because you feel desperate for the M you will act however you think will bring WAS back.