Your post brought me to tears….happy tears. I am inspired by your forgiveness and by your in-laws genuine love for you and D4. You are doing so well with the new home, new job and new outlook. I am so happy for you and your post fills me with hope for all us that need to forgive ourselves and our spouses. Please keep posting and tell us how everything is going. Thinking of you and your new start….
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Roar my lovely lady! You are in my neck of the woods now! I live central FL. We should go to Disney haha, but in all seriousness I am so happy for you.
Quote:
Forgiving myself for falling apart. Forgiving myself for holding onto something so hard I never stopped to consider life could be better. Forgiving myself for not knowing the future. Forgiving myself for not accepting reality sooner. Forgiving the H...because a blank future no longer means a future of waiting for a man who will never come home, because that person died inside a long time ago, and there will be a time when the right one does come along. Someone who will be PRESENT with life and not be continually trying to escape it in any way possible.
I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET TO THIS POINT! I REALLY CAN'T.
Today I woke up angry, and I'm ending my day proud.
I'm living with the MIL, and am working with my SIL...nobody fall over. So this morning, it was just hard feeling like how the HELL does this crap happen to me? Seriously, I feel like I'm in the Truman show (you know...the movie). Anyways...
I still feel good, living my life. It helps WAH isn't around, for sure but I really am happy...despite the fact that there's a chance I haven't completely dropped the rope. I'm focusing on me, d4, 180s, GAL 1000% now. I've forgiven myself for not seeing the red flags along the way that we were headed here...but, I've also stopped playing mental chess and pursuing, over thinking, bringing up anything in conversation. I thought I would go one whole day without talking to him...by my choice...and then he messages me asking about d4, and he seemed interested in my life for the first time in months. Still, I'm back to the 37 rules and they do work. Not sharing any details about my life now, just living it. If he's desperate for info, he could always ask his mom...but his mom will tell him to talk to me lol. She doesn't play these games.
Just journaling that, wondering what the next month will bring since I won't see him until the end of April.
Up early to hit the gym :] My 180 is consistency with it.l
I started school last week and will apply for my nursing program in the fall. I should be doing homework, but felt the need to get back on here and see how some people are doing. I'm still stalking but also because putting my thoughts out here helps me keep a level head.
I think I've been stirring up drama lately - unintentionally in the moment, but looking at it objectively it's a cry for attention. I felt like WAH has just been "nice" to me to keep me from asking for alimony...
Let me explain: he tells me that he wants to get me back on my feet, and him back on his feet. He's paying 100% of the bills, and giving me CS with no complaints. We talk here and there, nothing too serious. We're still friendly, we crack jokes...all is good...UNTIL, this little seed that has been planted in my head gets watered. This little seed that says WAKE THE HECK UP! He's nicer to me now, he is more understanding now and he was never this way when we were married. He's being nice to shut you up. He's being nice to avoid having to hand over his family jewels in a paper bag. A weathered paper bag, since I'm sure the D would be more troublesome for him than me.
So where I stand right now:
Start over with him and build a relationship (his words) and work together to get us out of debt with a clean break, and he will continue paying for things until I can take them over...
OR
Get alimony. Cut ties. Only talk about the kid and call it a day.
I'm telling you, the latter looks very very appealing.
The latter also keeps us away from reaching these post divorce goals, it also means he'll put up a fight too...which, he doesn't have 2 legs to stand on anyways, so it would be futile...but, I just don't know what to do. I don't know what feels right. Nothing in my life feels right, right now.
Living with the soon to be ex MIL - working full time, going to school at night and starting a nursing program in January.
We saw each other at the end of April and it was awful. There's clearly just nothing left for him - zero feelings. His main concern is that when he finds someone else I won't be as nice anymore and I'll resent him...
as I type that, I'm kicking myself for feeling the way I do. Really, typing it out puts it into perspective. As if he needs my permission to go off and live his life, when I know he could really care less about my opinion. He told me he ONLY wants me to be happy. Anyone that's read these threads know it clearly didn't look that way - which he said he regrets.
I don't know anymore - I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want...I just know I don't want this. I wanted us to work. I wanted him to try. I don't want to lose him, but I just don't know that anything could ever be enough after this. I hold onto hope that someday we'll get back together and be better than ever...
but I don't think he wants that and I can't want it for the both of us.
I don't know anymore - I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want...I just know I don't want this. I wanted us to work. I wanted him to try. I don't want to lose him, but I just don't know that anything could ever be enough after this. I hold onto hope that someday we'll get back together and be better than ever...
roar,
I'm sorry you're feeling badly about your MR. I noticed you're all over the place with regards to your feelings about H. I'm a guy, which means I'm a fixer and I want to help fix the hurt, but I have no idea how to do that.
Did you ever see that episode of Mr. Bean where he invited his girlfriend to his apartment for dinner? He was preparing to cook a turkey and somehow got it stuck on his head. His girlfriend knocked on the door so he covered up the turkey, the one that was on his head, with a table cloth. Much of the rest of that episode was about him trying to get the turkey off of his head before his girlfriend could find out that he had a turkey on his head.
That was a funny episode.
What does that have to do with your situation? Not a d@mn thing, but it got your mind off of the bad stuff for two seconds. See...made you laugh.
Time to head back to the asylum before the white coats arrive.
Not all men are fixers! & yes, that did get my ming off of the bad stuff. I don't know why he didn't want to show her the turkey on his head....why not have a good laugh about it!
I am all over the place - I think for the first time in my life I'm not level headed or secure. I'm trying to be more introspective to understand why I let this situation and the hurt get out of control.
I had a dream last night about hugging a guy...more than a hug, it was just a really loving hug, I don't even know who it was in my dream but it was sooo nice to just feel loved in my dream. I'm missing affection, embrace and someone to share life with. Someone who lifts me up, is encouraging, someone who wants to put as much into a relationship as I do.
My relationship with STBXH wasn't like that - I actually told him the last time he did something really nice for me was easter a few years ago...he made me coffee before I woke up to get our daughter up. He never got up with her before me, not once. Those things all added up, they all made me feel like I wasn't worth it, or appreciated for anything. Looking back, I didn't even realize how depressed I was. Every day felt like a struggle in a loveless marriage. This is why I don't know why I'm so hurt by everything. Why am I still holding on?
It's not just him either...I have a lot to work on too- I have high expectations, I'm too A-type, goal-oriented, over-worker. He's the opposite...but he was the one that didn't want to try. Some days I feel like he did me a favor, other days I'm crushed. There's no middle ground.
but also because putting my thoughts out here helps me keep a level head.