I’m new to the site and have never written on a forum before. I have sadly been separated from my wife and daughter for 6 months. My wife are I are both 52 and she BD on the eve of our 21st wedding anniversary and went to stay with her Mother 5 miles away with our daughter where she still lives today. We had been drifting apart for some time and had agreed to living in separate rooms, and increasingly did not share time together, my wife became more involved with our daughter with her homework for example which I was continually berated for not helping as much with or being involved with my daughter both I deeply regret now. What has not helped and has exacerbated the situation is that there is an OM, who was her boss at work for many years ago and became a close family friend over the years, always being at the house providing help and support, becoming involved also with our friends.
When the BD happened I fell too pieces doing everything you are not supposed to do, begging pleading etc which obviously did not work. The time had been chosen apparently as my daughter was away on holiday with her friends and my wife was set to join them in a weeks’ time, later my wife was to say that being in the house with me on her own that week made her realise what it would be like later once my daughter had left home and could not bear it, so left. We did meet to talk before she joined my daughter, mainly to discuss about how we would tell our daughter, after much discussion we agreed she would tell her on her own when they got back, however it transpired that she told her on holiday and when I enquired about what was said she replied angrily that she could not remember, I asked my daughter who also advised she couldn’t remember, to this day I do not know what was said.
Since this happened I have seen my daughter twice a week and longer over the holidays, I have remained happy and pleasant and well turned out each time we meet and got involved with playing golf and the guitar. My wife has subsequently purchased two lots of 5 golf lessons for my birthday and Xmas. We talk very friendly, but only about our daughter and school work, I did try once to say can we go for a drink and discuss things and this was rejected but with the agreement that we needed to talk. I have tried not to pursue or chase and only contact being to find out about our daughter, however things came to a bit of a head at Xmas when I received a card addressed to my wife and the OM, I then asked what this was about and asked to meet up, her response was that they had not slept together if that is what I was trying to ask, to which I replied it wasn’t but thanked her for her honesty, she said someone must have been mistaken, they were just friends. During the meeting she said that she had asked the OM for support rather than ask me over the years and that she had recently seen him as a friend with and without our daughter and wanted to see him more as a friend as he had been very supportive to her. She reiterated it was over between us and how were we going to move on, and to think about what to do about the house. I did ask if we could be friends and she agreed but did not wish to give me any false hopes; she did then subsequently joined me and my daughter at a restaurant for a drink after our meal, the first time for 5 months.
My daughter was due to spend New Year’s Eve with me but the night before my wife phoned in tears saying she did not want to stay and wanted to keep with the way we had always done things in the past ie at a friend’s house, she continually said how sorry she was, I did say to her it was not easy on any of us and would she like to join us at the birthday party i was holding for our daughter in the afternoon which she agreed too straight away and stayed for two hours and was impressed with the preparation and work I put into the party.
My actions towards my wife have been to be calm, friendly, well presented, happy and helpful. I help with school work when I can and do my daughters school laundry on the days she stays over from school, i.e. the opposite of what my wife said I was like before and she has noticed and appreciated the time I have given her and the efforts with my daughter who has also noticed a change.
However we are now in January and there is no movement, it has always been me that has instigated any talks although there has only been three of these over the 6/7 months, it is affecting be badly and I really want to make things work out and have that chance to start again, it’s also affecting my family badly and hers as well whom I’m very close too. I have read both DB and DR and applied the last resort technique, I only have a brother who lives a long way away and an 83 year old mother, all our friends were really her friends and I have not heard from anyone, it’s as if I became a leaper overnight. I’m so freighted of the future, my job is only temporary and it looks like the house I love and had great plans for will have to be sold, any help, advise on how to win her back would be most gratefully received as I have no idea how to proceed from here, do the same, sit down with her and talk!. Thanks for your time.
Me (H) - 53 W - 53 T- 24 yrs M - 21 yrs Daughter – 15 yrs BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Nohnny. Follow Cadets link and homework and accept that 7 months is a short time in the scheme of things. You seem to be doing the right things re no contact and the next step would be to get a life of your own and fill it with things that you want to do.
My personal belief is that you have to accept that the M is over before you can move forward If you think doing X or Y will make your W return then you are changing to someone your not and that's not going to last.
You say you grew apart , can you expand on this because people like me can only offer basic advice and support but the vets can really guide you if your honest and open with your own issues or faults
Sorry your here but is one of the best places to be if you have to be !!!!
Do the homework because there are real gems of advice in there
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Don't be so hard on yourself regarding making mistakes before you were familiar with DB and DR along with this site. Focus on moving forward and becoming the best Johnny and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial, especially if you are using the Last Resort technique. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You must read everything written by Sandi on LBH's with WWs.
I have been here 18 months and have seen it play out again and again. Your wife is in an inappropriate relationship with another man that is involved in the destruction of your marriage. Your W will spin things, saying she was done, OM has nothing to do with it, he's just a friend, etc. But make no mistake...without the fantasy created by interest from someone else of the opposite sex to compare the marriage to, she wouldn't have left. And now she is chasing the dragon.
I am absolutely disgusted by this crap. I have seen it repeatedly, and I am no less sickened by the pain and destruction these adulterous spouses create. That said, it's happening. The best thing you can do is understand what you're dealing with. My hope is that you will come to share my feelings and have enough respect for yourself to draw some hard lines and walk away yourself. This doesn't mean burning bridges, it just means keeping a safe distance from a woman burning down her own life and everything it's close to.
As a bit of further info, I was a bit of a perfectionist and would work very hard to provide for the family and try and provide the best, unfortunately when things weren’t right I had bouts of being grumpy, although this did get better. During these times I would not be as helpful with our daughter and around the House, at the same time my W would keep herself busy, working in a school only part-time she would still not come home until late with our daughter, do homework and go to bed. Weekends they would both be out for most of the day horse riding, this annoyed me as I missed them both. So in some stupid way in trying to show I wasn’t happy they were out so much I acted distant towards them and so we entered a vicious circle. Thats not to say it was always like that, there were happy times and I did try and be supportive and took them on Holidays, although enjoyable my wife was distant. In the end I was getting more involved in my interests and would sit in a separate room watching films and sport, actions which I so deeply regret now.
I have read the books and the advice on the site especially the posts of sandi2, although trying to apply the points made about WW are hard, with respect to detaching and making her feel the loss of her H because of my daughter who I miss terribly and have contact with my wife about and unfortunately I think about her playing happy families with the OM every time we meet or talk.
I know we will have to meet soon to talk about moving forward and the house etc, although it won’t be instigated by me as i want to spark a second chance, i know the previous M is dead and i wasn't happy either and did not want it to be be like it was, but i know we can rebuild a new one, although shes got to want to.
I’m not sure how I should handle it, what to say and do etc. How to gain back her respect and attraction.
Any advice on how to handle this situation, respond or behaviour gratefully received.
Thanks again
Me (H) - 52 W - 52 T- 24 yrs M - 21 yrs Daughter – 15 yrs BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Me (H) - 53 W - 53 T- 24 yrs M - 21 yrs Daughter – 15 yrs BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
However we are now in January and there is no movement
So are you only doing the things you are doing in an effort to win back your W?
If not, then what difference does the length of time make?
There is nothing you can do to "spark" her back. That has to come from within her. Anything that you try to do for her, or for you as a couple is going to backfire.
Thanks for your feedback, yeah your right, but what i was trying to show was that i'm not that guy i was before, i've got a life and i'm positive, which hopefully she would find attractive
Me (H) - 53 W - 53 T- 24 yrs M - 21 yrs Daughter – 15 yrs BD (W: I don’t love you – left house) - July 2015
Thanks for your feedback, yeah your right, but what i was trying to show was that i'm not that guy i was before, i've got a life and i'm positive, which hopefully she would find attractive
This is your problem.
You cant SHOW. Then she will be thinking its for her.
Instead, you need to just BE. And also...be patient.
