Throwing in the Towel

[2Times2Many]

Haven't posted in quite some time. I've been working on me ... GAL, detach, etc ... and was in a really good place.

Briefly, H has an apt in another country where he has spent most of his time the past two years. He claims it's necessary for our business (it's not). He comes home every couple of months for about 2 weeks to attend to the business we have here (which I manage in his absence because someone has to). He told me repeatedly last year that he had no feelings for me, there was no spark, that he didn't want to be a husband and that he didn't want to live here. He also had an A with a woman there, but I think that ended about a year ago. There may have been others since, but I have no clue. I don't think so, but I could be wrong.

As I said, I was doing great and in a really good place. Rebuilding my self-esteem, doing things I had always wanted to do, dealing with the little stuff he usually handled. I was here doing my thing and he was doing his and we were actually getting along ok when he was here.

Then, at the end of last year he came back and said he wanted to spend more time here, wanted to move back into our bed, wanted to move his things back in his closet, was thinking about giving up his apt over there .... all the things we want to hear.

All of that was totally out of the blue and I was shocked. I was also a little skeptical because I felt like he wanted to just pick up where we left off as if nothing had happened. I asked him if we could take it slow, try to figure out where things went haywire, etc. and he was agreeable. His next visit went well. Good discussions.

The next time he came back, things were still going well until he booked a trip for his assistant over there to come back here with him on his next trip home without telling me until it was already done. I didn't want her to stay here in our house (there's no funny business between them - that I'm certain of) because I feel like some of her actions enabled his A and were horribly disrespectful to me. I feel like he moved out of our house and it has become my home - my safe place - and I didn't want her in it.

He got angry and spent his last weekend here looking at apartments without renting one.

He came back a couple of weeks ago and 3 days before he sent me an email saying he was concerned about the issues with his assistant, but wanted to try to work things out about her and still wanted to try to rebuild something between us.

Two days after he got here, he told me he renewed his lease on his apartment over there, would be spending less time here, and didn't ever plan on moving back here. He said he like his life over there and his social life with his "guy friends" and there was nothing for him here. He said, "I enjoy spending time with you, but I don't want to live here." It was like D-Day, part 2. I was devastated ... again.

BUT ... he doesn't want a divorce!???? And he put me back on his bank account!???? For financial reasons, I don't want a divorce either. At least, not until I get my ducks in row. Owning a business together makes it difficult.

After he laid out "how things are going to be" I excused myself and went to my bedroom. I was sitting on the side of the bed thinking about all he had said and his "puffed up" "I'm going to do for me" attitude and the weirdest thought crossed my mind ... there is a gun in the drawer of the bedside table ....

Now, I would never do anything to harm myself - I have too much to live for - but the fact that that thought crossed my mind scared the h3ll out of me. When I went to bed that night, I got up and started packing a suitcase to leave the house. Then I came to my senses and thought how dumb it was to be driven out of my own home.

Anyway, after his bomb, a sleepless night, racing pulse, pounding heart and spike in blood pressure, I decided that this R just is not healthy for me - emotionally, mentally and physically. I realized that I have to get him out of my life. I told him he could stay here for the remainder of his trip, but I didn't want him to come back here. To stay with someone else, a hotel or find his own place.

A couple of days later he said he couldn't afford to have a place over there and over here (trying to guilt me, I suppose). I just told him to plan on staying in a hotel when he comes back - that I needed to gain control of my life, find my center again and I needed him to stay away from me so I could move on with my life. I told him I didn't want to hear from him unless it was related to business. I guess I kicked him out - gently. There were tears (both of us) and it was really tough when he left yesterday - there were tears in his eyes, but I held up.

I feel awful. I do care about him and don't want to hurt him, and I feel like our futures are better together than separately, but I just can't do this anymore. I feel like as soon as I showed some independence and self-reliance, he just had to take back control and beat me back down. And the thoughts that went through my mind are disturbing. (Yes, I've talked about this with my therapist.)

I really don't know why I'm posting this.

[2Times2Many]

I do want to say this to others that are struggling to save their M. DB'ing does work. It's what I did ... GAL, focus on improving you, detach, stop focusing on your spouse and make a better you, build YOUR life. If I got anything positive out of H when he was last here it was that the change he saw in me is what caught his attention and made him want to come home, however brief that feeling was. (That gal is kinda down now, but I'll get her back!)

I asked him if he worried that he was making a mistake and he said he thought about that all the time ... that was his biggest fear ... that he would wake up and find he really screwed up and that someday he would want me back and I would be long gone.

So, they do have doubts about what they're doing. Keep DB'ing! It works. Unfortunately, I think (and I'd love to be wrong) my guy has just done so much damage that I may never be able to let him inside my walls. But don't let that deter YOU! Every situation is different. I wish each and every one of you awesome, positive results.

[dwh15]

Thanks for posting your story. Sorry for you that it hasn't worked out how you hoped, but happy to hear that DBing helped you rebuild yourself. All of us reach a point where we've had enough, and only you can decide where that point lies. You've done your best, held in there for years, and I don't think anyone can blame you for not wanting to continue living this way. Best of luck in your new life, and I hope you end up being very happy, whether that involves your H or not.

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, dwh. I haven't read up on your sitch (I've been away for a long time) but I see that kids are involved and that is always tough. I hope things work out for you and your kids. Hang in there.

As for me, I'll keep DB'ing because that has been the best thing I have done for me in years. It may not save my M, but it definitely saves me. These folks know what they're talking about. Regardless of the outcome, if you follow their advice, you will come out of it a better YOU.

[MrBond]

Actually you're doing great. Posting is very therapeutic, so please do it when you can. You're regaining your strength which is great. Hold onto that.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you, Mr. Bond. I'm doing well. I just keep reminding myself that I am an awesome person and if he doesn't want to share his life with me, it's his loss.

I do have a question for everyone, though. Before he left I told him I didn't want any contact other than business .... that I needed some space and time to process his proposed "lifestyle." We've exchanged a couple of texts in the past week about business issues, but no other contact (I've been out of the office for some pre-planned time off.)

We had been exchanging "Good Morning" texts on a daily basis and talking on the phone before I go into the office. That contact no longer takes place and so far he's honored my no contact request. To be perfectly honest, all of that became more like a "have to do" than a "want to do" anyway. If he didn't get his morning text, he would sometimes get difficult and I'd get a not so pleasant message from him ... like I was deliberately doing something to agitate him.

I'll be back in the office tomorrow and he calls each day to check in and find out if there is anything that needs his attention.

I always answer the phone, but can let my assistant do it. But, I don't want it to look like I'm giving him the cold shoulder. What to do?

If I talk with him and he says he's missed talking/texting me, I know how to respond to that -- thank him for giving me the space I requested.

How do I respond to the potential "It's good to hear your voice" that he often says? To be perfectly honest, I can't respond that it's good to hear his voice too because I don't feel that way. How to respond without sounding like a cold-hearted you know what?

[2Times2Many]

Well, kind of down the past two days.

Didn't communicate with H all weekend, but did send an email at my C urging to reinforce that I wanted him to move out, based on his immediate reaction when I told him that and his demeanor when he left. It wasn't nasty or anything, just a matter of fact reinforcement of "I meant what I said" letter. No reply.

Anyway, I did talk to him today and yesterday at the office when he called in but stuck to business. He did say really missed texting/talking to me over the weekend, but wanted to do what I asked, so didn't contact me.

I've had to text him a couple of times regarding business stuff the past two days (yes, for real - not making excuses - would have preferred not to) and when he replies he uses emoticons for flower bouquets or a kiss. The app we use has tons of that stuff. It's a little unnerving.

I am not the kind of person who likes to be mean to someone or do something that I know is hurting them. I feel awful ignoring gestures like that. It makes me feel like a selfish louse.

I keep trying to remind myself that he can be very manipulative, but it's so hard not to respond to a kind gesture other than being kind back.

I suppose I need to learn how to respond in a "lovingly, distant" manner without feeling like I'm being a doormat or fearing I'm being manipulated.

I know what I am doing (asking him to move out) is the right thing to do. I am absolutely miserable when he is here. Always on pins and needles, although I try not to let it show. That's probably part of the misery. I honestly don't know how some of the folks here do it with the WS in the house. Unfortunately, I am the type that avoids confrontation and will do just about anything to keep the peace. Probably why we fell apart. And why he needs to stay somewhere else when he is in town.

I was in such a good place before he started all this talk about wanting to "try." Was totally focused on building the best future I could for myself and having fun. (I even took a 2 day motorcycle riding class. At my age!) I want to get back there. Guess it will take time, just like last time. What a jerk he's been to me. Or maybe it's my own fault for letting him play me? I don't if it was part of his confusion or intentional. Arghh!

Anyway, once again, I don't quite know why I'm posting this. Sorry it was so long.

[Cadet]

So get back to building the best YOU possible.

Dont let him manipulate YOU, DETACH and have NO EXPECTATIONS.


Oh and you dont sound that OLD!!!!

[2Times2Many]

LOL. Thanks, Cadet.

[2Times2Many]

The motorcycle riding was way outside my comfort zone. Always wanted to drive a bike (not just ride). But also on my list is jumping out of an airplane. Always wanted to do that, too. I figure if George Bush can do it in his 70's, I should certainly be able to do it (tandem, of course.) Just have to work up the courage to step outside that comfort zone again. I'll get there!