Hello thread 3. Starting on a down note for some reason. Great advice from GoatGal at the end of my last thread that I have reread several times. Despite my fixation on this process, and my understanding that it is for me first, its still easy to slip. Sometimes it feels like when you fall asleep while driving. In your mind, you feel like you are still on the road, but then you suddenly realize you have veered off course. It happens every couple of days and we all just need to pull off the road, grab a coffee or do some pushups and get back on.
Nothing too new to report. If youre following along my threads and missed it, some snooping a few days ago revealed that my W may be four weeks pregnant. Have not seen anything to confirm that in the past few days, though W seems a bit agitated/stressed. She stayed home last night and I steered clear of her in the house. Trying to be as dark as possible right now.
One pressing issue that I need to bring up with her is the parking tickets she has racked up outside of OMs house. The registration is in my name and pretty soon our car is going to get towed.
Focused on my goal of me, but totally confused as to what my goal of the M/R is at this point. it feels like im dealing with a petulant, unpredictable teenager. I wish she'd just move in with her mom and give me some space. Or that I didnt live 1,000 miles away from my family and best friends, in a city we picked to be close to HER family, who is currently completely MIA through this whole process.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
it feels like im dealing with a petulant, unpredictable teenager.
That's actually not a bad way to look at it. And with such a teenager, what you have to do is protect the rest of your home/family, and try to lay out (and enforce) firm boundaries with them.
Why are you allowing her to use your car to go to her OM? That's enabling her affair.
So far the tickets are unpaid. I am not going to pay them. I just need to tell her that directly. She knows I wouldnt pay them but she's clearly ignoring them.
My list of consequences is going to be very lame, but here goes:
- Roughly a month after BD, and her indicating she was going to look for an apartment, I set up a new individual bank account. she has access to our joint account, which I no longer use. all my checks go into the new account. i pay rent/utilities/babysitter/car payment, and buy most groceries. she has our monthly internet bill still attached to her account, and occasionally buys groceries/household items. otherwise, she is on her own with her income, which is about $200-$250 a week. She has asked me for money several times. I have bought her lunch a few times. I've given her cash for specific purchases (kid stuff/gas) 2 or 3x. I do buy some groceries that she eats but very minimal. this is really hard to regulate, without just not buying any groceries, which is obviously not the way to go.
- I dont do her laundry. im vigilant on mine and the boys, washing and folding nearly every day, while hers piles up. it must be really obvious at this point (and feels really petty on my part) but she says nothing
- Before I started DBing, i asked her to move out. told her i couldnt live with her while she was in an affair. she called me cruel, and expressed fears that i was "lawyering up" and angling to take the kids away from her. i told her i just needed to draw a line, feel more in control, and still ideally wanted to work on things, but saw that she didnt. i saw her fear of my asking her to leave as a sign that she wasnt really ready. That was roughly Sept 1.
- I have done a number of things with my kids and not specifically invited her. now, she knows that if she really wanted to come along, she could, but i have demonstrated that I am fine having a great time with the kids as if she is not in the picture. ive taken them places where its a challenge to be a solo parent with two young boys and a baby and powered through and had fun.
- I dont buy her alcohol or bring it into the house for myself. last week she asked me to bring her some and i declined. the other night she brought a six pack home and offered me one and i declined.
So, its clear that the reality of this is not really hitting her yet. So far, the only struggle shes had is making her finances work, but the low points have just been her being broke for a day or two before her next payday. its not like shes losing the roof over her head or starving.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Its hard because we live together and our lives are very entwined. I struggle to find any other ways to put space between myself and W. on the one hand, she has distanced herself from me a great deal. when she "needs me", its hard (in the moment) to slow down and pick apart what i should do, versus what i "used" to do, versus what we would do in an ideal, better functioning R. its also hard to figure out what is just a cruel action coming from my emotions. even when i knew telling her I would not be picking her up wine was the RIGHT thing to do in every way, i still felt guilt for "punishing" her.
I had a bit of a breakthrough last week when I realized that my W was making me responsible for her anxiety about a friend of ours knowing about our sitch and her thinking he "hated" her. its made me step back and analyze where she makes me own her stress/anxiety. Thats an area where I definitely need to draw a line and say "it was never right for me to own your stress/feelings, and its definitely not going to happen now".
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
I realize there may not be much else I can do, and that I'm still focusing on seeing immediate "results" which will only come in time. I just have these days where I want to throw her out and be done with it. For instance, tonight I am almost sure she will leave soon after I get home (shes spent the past two nights at home). Can I stop her? No. Am I actually just looking forward to having the house to myself for an hour or so after the kids go to bed? Yes.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
