I'm a 28m and have been married to my 27w for 3 years. we have a 3 year old daughter.
She recently dropped the bomb on me that she is not happy, and is ready to leave. I had no idea that she was this unhappy with our life.
I used to play video games a lot and she said that i was neglectful and that she would cry herself to sleep when i wouldn't come to bed.
It's been a long month. At first I was needy and told her how much i loved her and needed her. How much our family needed to stay together for our daughter. But i have recently come to these forums and have been reading a lot of great information. I have been trying to take care of me.
She has really been neglecting anything to do with home. She tends to go out on weekends with "friends" and usually doesn't come home until mid-day the next day. I think this is the hardest part. This is totally new behavior for her.
Sorry that you find yourself here. It will be a long and difficult process, so please don't think you will have to change things overnight.
What are you doing to "take care of you"? If you mean change your neglectful patterns and be a better man and father, great. If you mean focusing only on your needs, I think that's a mistake. Your selfish attention to your needs over your wife's got you here, so proceed with caution.
I would be surprised if there's not another man vying for her attention, especially given that you state that your relationship was generally good. Typically WASs that have met someone else will start to portray the entire marriage as having been bad, it helps sooth the guilt that they are feeling inside. Don't bother asking her, you won't get the truth if she is.
Can you give a more detailed description of your R along with a timeline of when you noticed a shift in your wife?
Hey there cc, sorry to hear about your situation. Welcome to the best place for help/support in a very difficult situation.
Start by catching up on the link above and reading DR if you can get a hold of a copy. The information seems counter- intuitive at times but will helpful....
Keep posting and sharing your story. Others will join in and comments. The support on this board is unbelievable.......
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I went from being needy and following her around like a puppy dog to pretty much leaving her to herself.
I don't call, or text anymore unless its necessary.
I have joined a gym and have been going 3-4 days a week and have been spending a lot more time with my daughter.
We still live together, and she still sleeps in my bed. It is these frequent nights out, and not coming home which is killing me.
These are great steps that you have taken!
Please keep in mind that this may be a long process and patience is key.
Keep making short post to get off moderation faster.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Sorry that you find yourself here. It will be a long and difficult process, so please don't think you will have to change things overnight.
What are you doing to "take care of you"? If you mean change your neglectful patterns and be a better man and father, great. If you mean focusing only on your needs, I think that's a mistake. Your selfish attention to your needs over your wife's got you here, so proceed with caution.
I would be surprised if there's not another man vying for her attention, especially given that you state that your relationship was generally good. Typically WASs that have met someone else will start to portray the entire marriage as having been bad, it helps sooth the guilt that they are feeling inside. Don't bother asking her, you won't get the truth if she is.
Can you give a more detailed description of your R along with a timeline of when you noticed a shift in your wife?
-hs
I have no read any of the books yet. My first response was to begin reading some of the good advice given by the vets here on the forums.
I really do want to change my ways. It never really occured to me what i was doing to our relationship. After all of this came out I feel like a totally different person.
As far as another man goes... I'm almost positive that their is another man in the picture. I do not know if it has gotten physical, but she has been hanging out with a guy "friend" more and more, and especially since all of this came out. She doesn't try to hide it from me. She says he is just a really good friend, but it feels like they have gotten way too close. He will take her to dinner, and they went to a concert together last weekend. (sounds a lot like dating to me.)
We start counseling on Thursday, so i have been hesitant to really bring up my feelings on the subject. I have told her that i'm uncomfortable with this relationship but she doesnt seem to care much.
Some issues that she has outlined since everything came out:
She felt neglected and that i didnt care about her
She felt that i only went to bed when i wanted to have sex
I was always on my computer and too busy to help her with house work / my daughter
I would like to add that things have not been totally unbearable, in that i feel she has taken notice of some of the changes and is feeling a little better about them.
One thing I have really been working on, is consistently going to bed with her, not initiating sex, and trying to be affectionate without the expectation of sex. I will be completely honest with myself and you guys, I would feel really rejected and hurt (unwanted) when she would say no to me. And would sometimes cause a scene. After realizing how she felt (that i made her feel like i only wanted her for sex) I can totally understand why she would say no.
I understand that the blame is not all mine. But the more and more i look at it, i realize that i have definately not been the best husband.
