H is 50, I am 60. We’ve been together for 19 years, married 15 years. I have two grown children, he has none.
H and I went through this about 7 years ago when he succumbed to a one night stand in Russia and decided he wanted to throw out his life here and move there to see if “things would work out with her.” He gave all the typical signs of MLC but I was patient, took care of myself and he eventually came to his senses. I got a lot of good guidance from this site.
We’ve moved since then and have a successful business. We import most of our products from India and that required a lot of travel there. I accompanied him on a few trips, but one of our male employees went with him on most – until this past year. The quality of our products was deteriorating, so we decided to open our factory over there and just make it ourselves – the “if you want it done right” theory.
That has required H to spend a lot of time there and he has traveled mostly alone. I stayed here to keep the US operations going.
He has spent more time there this year than at home and has gotten an apartment, furnishings and a car. He has created a new circle of friends that he parties and drinks with all the time and has become involved with OW there. Essentially, he has established a completely separate life there – the bachelor life.
During his last “visit” home, I got the “I’m not happy” speech again – he hates everything here, doesn’t feel needed, I never let him do what he wants, he doesn’t have a social life, etc. The same MLC speech I got 7 years ago. He treated me like absolute crap,, changed his plans and left to go back ahead of schedule – I was actually relieved. I sent a long email stating that I am not responsible for his unhappiness and will not let him beat me down like he did last time. I asked him to move out when he returned.
I got a lot of long emails asking that I meet him somewhere neutral to start working things out and telling me he wanted in his life, we made a good team, blah, blah, blah. He lied and said it was over with OW, but I know better – for a fact.
He has gone completely off his rocker – wants me to buy him of the US business, wants me to sell the house, etc. His whole family and most of friends think he’s completely lost his mind. My biggest concern is the business here, my interest in it and protecting our employees from his insanity.
Is it possible for someone to have a second MLC? Or, is this some kind of mental issue?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Welcome our forum. I'm sorry you are here, but the posters here are wonderful and will come along shortly to visit.
May I ask a couple of questions...did something happen about 18-24 months prior to the first bomb drop (BD) 7 years ago? Did something change to bring him back into the marriage after that little crisis time? If so, can you tell me?
From what you posted, it sounds like he may have been in crisis back 7 years ago and something snatch him back to reality and now he's started the process all over again...but we need to know more about that BD and the current one before we can try to help you figure some things out.
For now, protect yourself and your assets.
Cadet will be along shortly w/some homework reading material.
Again welcome to our forum!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, he went to Moscow, Russia to be best main at his best friends wedding. Prior to leaving, all seemed to be okay. When I picked him up at the airport, all I had to do was look at him and know that the man the left was not the man that returned.
He never really gave me the whole story - said something made him snap - but never really identified what it was. I think he was partying, had sex with a girl and that is what did it. Until that trip we had an awesome marriage. I always figured he came home with a mountain of guilt and had to find someone to blame (other than himself) and reasoned in his own mind that he never would have done that if I hadn't been at fault in some way and invented a ton of excuses to blame me for his infidelity. He wanted to move to Moscow and find out if things would work out with her, blah, blah,blah.
I went through a year of hell and torment and finally, at dinner one night, I got up from the table, went to the bedroom and packed a suitcase. I left the house and checked into a motel, although I let him know, by phone, that I was okay. I didn't tell him where I was - he thought I was driving to my daughter's house about 2,000 miles away.
After 4 days, I went home and he said he had done some research and that he had a pattern of blowing up his life over and over and that if he didn't break the pattern, he would be doomed to repeat it. He said that now that he knew what his problem was, that he could fix it.
I have lived in fear for the past 7 years that this would happen again. I have done everything I can to make sure he is happy at home, help him build his business, etc. Yet, he seems to be repeating the same pattern. I can't say that I am totally shocked at what is happening now, but I did everything I could think to avoid it.
I think what snatched him back last time was that he thought he might lose me. At the time, he was financially dependent on me. In some respects, he still is. Our business has been a joint effort - I can't run it without him and he can't run it without me.
Now, he's gone off the deep-end again. It's like groundhog day - same story, different day.
He claims he had a heart attack about 6-7 months ago. Although I believe that something did happen, tests did not confirm a heart attack. He is using "his heart attack" to justify his new lifestyle. The same old "I'm taking care of me" stuff. And, he's doing the same as he did back then.
That period in my life was a living hell. I love him and probably always will, but I just don't know if I can go through that again.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you for all the info, Cadet. I've read most of it before, but the refresher course was definitely needed.
H keeps asking me to fly somewhere in Europe to meet him so we can talk someplace "neutral." Says he wants me in his life, that he cares about me, blah, blah, blah.
But at the same time he is partying with OW (one of our workers over there keeps a worker over here informed and then the info is passed to me - even pictures!) and apparently he is taking a trip with her or paying an unexpected visit home. (He changed his log in for his airline account in the past couple of days, so I have no idea what he's up to, but it's definitely something he wants to hide.)
I have not agreed to meet and have actually told him to just go do whatever it is that makes him happy.
Right or Wrong?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I'm got another email explaining the airline situation and he gave me the login info. I haven't checked it, so I don't know if it is good. I figure if there was anything there, he wouldn't give me the information.
He tells me he wants to talk ...that he has a lot to talk about. He wants to fly home, but can't find a return flight??? Yeah, I know. He wants to bring back trust in the business first, then maybe the R.
At the same time, he has the OW to his apartment nearly every night and is drinking heavily (switched from beer to Vodka) until late hours.
I've moved the bulk of our US business funds to an account that he can't access. Should be interesting when he figures that one out. He will be livid.
I don't know if he is afraid to just cut the tie to me or if he is trying to control me.
Guess time will tell.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Yikes. You have just described one of my worst case scenarios from when I was married. If she came back what would that look like? Would I be in fear or ?
Seems to be different for many, but I suspect it would have been similar.
I also think it sounds like control and not that he wants to make things better. I suspect alterior motives to those stated by him.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Sorry you are here again 2t2m. And as far as the title of your thread Second MLC?? Is that possible?<--YES, as I am here again after 6 years. If it gives you any comfort, I am in the same situation, with my H solving his "unhappiness" with OW.
I don't feel like he ever felt happy after the last time, or recovered from the things that happened or knew how to deal with them.
I'll keep watching your thread as it is a small comfort to know we are battling the same type of sitch.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Keep in mind, that each of us goes through life transitions and w/each transition, we learn and grow. If the transitions are not completed properly, the individual is set up then for a mlc.
Your h's crisis may have stalled and he's just picked up where he left off 7 years ago. When they are "snatched or awakened" out of the crisis, it will resurface at a later time. When this occurs, the crisis generally will be far worse than the first time around.
That is why I asked questions about what transpired approximately 18 months prior to each crisis. Did someone die, birth of a child, serious illness, promotion, demotion, etc.? Generally a crisis will not begin until something triggers it.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
