hope tests & things go okay for your son- he sounds like a truly special person . you guys are lucky to haeve one another. your "date" with old h - eeek. wonder if he ever will "get it". the whole possessions & money thing- it's atough one. myh was raised like that totally- his parents split & each cheated on the other for someone with alot more $$ - being rich was a big big part of who they are/were-wanted.
oh well- why does it surprise me when he's a jerk sometimes bout money? i guess it's like me being uh hem "economical" and that driving some folks nuts -maybe we lls ee ourselves as what our parents toldus we were all ourlives? idk- idc either.
Hi, interesting to spend time with your xh. I wonder about the money thing - if when you are little you are deprived of the love that your parents (or parent) gives to you - then you latch on to other things (like money) as important, because you can rely on them?
Maybe they value it like we value love and friendship because it is safe. Don't know.
Hope he is finally waking up but selfishly a little bit of me will miss the cuckoo!! LOL
ya gotta wonder. the whole Money &^ hanging onto it thing. i like your insights about money. i've often wondered how in the world 'THINGS" can replace people. i'd be dead in the water if i didn't have & grow up with my sister 10 months younger. she died in 2008 - i notice the loss, but am sooooooo grateful i grew up sure i was happy- sure we all were happy & loved. (never thought about the "reality" of it- and not going to now) - just the product of someone to share my life every single minute - with i think. hence (i guess) my own "addiction" to love & someone - maybe... being the "answer" in life to being happy.
you're making me wonder about my h (grew up ALONE)(but there was ?$$ around - if not people). everyone's h that are somewhat more tangled up in control & money (well, one coming from the other I GUESS).
my h is very generous to me- tho, he could just give me the darn half of this house he owns - (since he's currently got three paid for (inhereted) houses of his own) and be "done with it" and done with me. he doesn't. i truly think he thinks marriage means someone will or could take yourmoney & stuff . that is all...
sometimes i wonder why no amount of money is ever "enough" - or so it seems anyway. as kids we never had any money - it didn't seem to matter too much overall. i thought we were all happy- i am not ever rethinking that (some sisters & their own "take") i personally had a a greeat childhood surrounded by family.
i hate it now that everyone has fallen away & it's a wierd wierd family dynamic we have going on. ANYWAY THO_- UR's h and $$, my own and $$ , i've always wondered if it's ONLY a means of control & being big man on campus. that money really does give status in this society. i like your moderating view a bit-
buying love kind of thing - or seeking security/love thru it. THO - somettimes i honestly can tap into the whole fun & lift it can give you to be the guy with the money giving a gift or treat to someone who hasn't got some (kids for instance). it's a funny thing- and a gratifying thing- being the one with the ability to GIVE & help & make someone happy with something they want.
idk- it is there in my values tho- as you say, something to count on. what if the car dies??? what if you NEED something- it stinks but we all dooooo need some money - kind of thing. there was never any extra when i was a kid- it's definitely SECOND to love in my life tho in what i THINK IS CRUCIAL - (but it's definitely important). YA THInk it's survival instinct? the stockpile money thing?
we sure get screwed up as kids - don't we. well, as adults too.
my h definitely had self centered parents- allllll about them. snodderly asked once if he could have never "felt heard" by them- DEFINITELY AND DEFINITELY AGAIN. idk- it's soooooo hard to make some kind of 'DECISION' about a person and them being in your life when you begin to try and UNDERSTAND and be even-handed. there are always soooooo many bunny trtails to go down that get you off the main road.
me- lost down the bunny trail forever it feels like. this being understanding stuff can totaly almost "disable"ya in life from EVER making big fat decisions that impact your life & others - SOOOOOOO ALWAYS HELD UP BY THE ' - being fair to everyone thing, etc.
oh well- anyway- i think you're on to s omething- the things we make our "GODS" HUH? i guess EVERYONE (not just me) is insecure about some things and uses something to try and feel better/good about it. or control it - life, whatever...
Hiya Bea. First of all, trust me on this, the cuckoo is still flying around the clock. So no worries, I am sure more entertainment is coming your way. LOL!
Maybe they value it like we value love and friendship because it is safe.
Thought about this. ^^^^. I am thinking that is true where xh is concerned.
I got to thinking. I know some people who grow up without money and so things become very important to them. But then there are others, like me, (we were very poor),who grow up and stuff just doesnt mean a whole lot, but, people mean a great deal.
My xh and his family was not as poor as we were. He and his family were somewhat better off than we were, though not by a whole lot.
But he was very much into having things and getting the best things from when were started dating as teenagers. And I would tell him, even back then, that those things were not important to me.
Throughout out marriage, we struggled, yet, he kept buying stuff. It was a bone of contention, to be sure.
And throughout his MLC, it has gotten even worse.
I think, looking back, that he had low self esteem. And that things seem to make him feel better for a little while.
He never could make real connections with people. So, maybe this safe and a way for him to feel good.
I dont understand that mindset, though. Never did. And the fact that he can buy a BMW, while he screwed me over and is still doing so, is something I really cant get my mind around.
I'm lurking about tonight. Strangely, my father sounds a lot like your XH. He had a midlife crisis around the age of 40, left my mom, moved in with his secretary and married her in a whirlwind.
He was the same kind of person who always showed up and surprised my mom with expensive things, usually for himself. My H did the same thing.
I was watching this guy talk about addiction as a disease a month ago or so. Dr. Kevin McCauley. He's a recovering addict who has done research on addiction and how the brain reacts to chemicals and so forth.
Anyway, he talks about how some people are lousy at handling stress. He says it may be partly biochemical and partly how they were taught to handle stress.
Well, for the person who can't handle stress, a purchase, drug, sex or whatever becomes the "go to" when stress strikes (like during the depression of MLC).
He's done research, at it's not the frontal lobe like everyone has thought in recent years, but the center of the brain that's affected.
So, in his opinion, it doesn't matter much what the "drug of choice" is, it's the impact it has on relieving the stress. And, the middle brain is where you have the source of your ability to handle relationships, if you will.
It's like the "high" dims the brains ability to remember the consequences of the actions and how they impact your relationships. Your brain becomes trained to seek the high anytime you feel stress and you simply don't remember or connect the dots on the bad consequences you and your family experienced the last time you relied on the "high."
Food for thought. Take what you like and leave the rest. It's helped me understand how Smokey Joe can hurt us all so deeply, over and over with such little regard for our feelings. He simply can't tolerate the stress and he's trained his brain to seek out short fits of relief.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
As a volunteer I worked for a while in a homeless centre - most of the people were there because of addiction - drink, drugs, gambling. And I remember thinking that their behaviours were a lot like that of my MLC xh. The pursuit of what they wanted to make them feel good trumped all other considerations.
Interesting that it isn't the front part of the brain which is associated with impulse control, but it makes sense, as I think we all feel with our MLCers that they can 'help' what they are doing. But if it is in the centre of the brain perhaps it isn't a choice in the same way, but a compulsion that needs addressing in a different way?
Just want to say thanks as always for helping us all to keep this in perspective. It is not that we need to take it lightly and it is not that it is easy, far from it.
We are all emotional peoples, just to different degrees, and we all have those buttons that can be pushed... If i could only figure out how to pull the fuse out on those buttons
After i composed myself from your story (yes i cry in movies too...) I spent some time trying to reflect into the future and when this is all behind me how much stronger i hope to be. I this is a journey that i must pass through, kicking and fighting at times but getting up each time. Reminding myself each day that I have got it far better than many and reminding myself to be grateful.
You take care (((UR)))
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
