W and I together for 20 years, married for 17. Both of us are 39 yrs old, teachers and been on the job for over 15 years. Two sons, age 10 & 12. Distance has grown in our relationship over the last 5-10 years. Basically living in a sex starved marriage over that time. My love language is definitely physical touch. Both of us successful, well adjusted, professional people in our own right.
W first mentioned MC in April 2013. I agreed, but we never followed through. June meant an explosion of sexual activity between us. I was suspicious as it coincided with her losing 20 lbs and working hard on her tan for the summer. I even joked about others that I have known that went through the same pattern just before they left their marriages. 1st emotional affair confirmed July 10 when I discovered texts. She lied about length and seriousness of the relationship for months. Included sexting, but no physical contact.
Attended 2 sessions of MC but ended because she didn't like to go because it was "all about her." I have accepted my faults of being away to much with my job and made conscious efforts to be home more and around our children more. She showed no effort to move forward. Dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb. I was devastated.
Second EA just confirmed on Friday Sept 13 as I discovered private messages on Facebook to another pair of HS friends. These included sexual messages and pictures. She has become obsessed with Facebook over the last few years. Boasting at one point that she has over 1000 "friends". During this time, W has withdrawn from the entire family. I have done every load of laundry for 3 months, all the dishes, all the floors, all the trash, etc. Just trying to keep the house in order. She went through withdrawal after maybe ending the first EA. Diagnosed with depression and upped her Lexapro.
My beautiful wife has turned into an alien. She is destroying our family and ruining my personal and professional life. I am now on antidepressants myself to combat panic attacks that I have been having while obsessing about how to save my marriage. I'm so glad that I've found this resource and have ordered the books and plenty more. I'm trying to educate myself and use the tools to save my marriage. It's just so hard. She even admits that she understands she is having a MLC.
I have thus far done everything I'm not supposed to do for an MLCer and a WAW. I have pursued her relentlessly. I have told her how much I love her over and over. I have bought flowers, cards, little gifts. I have threatened to move out and threatened to kick her out. I have snooped and obsessed about the OM. We have have way too many talks about the R. Even initiated by her. Please help!
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I am glad you found us, now you need to follow the advice that is given...which I know is very difficult and often counter-intuitive to what you feel. Working with one of Michele's DB coaches would be extremely helpful in getting on the right track and staying on it. The coaches are experts in helping you come up with a specific road map on what to do (and not do). When you follow up with your coach, they help you decide the next step so that you stay strong and are most likely to get through to your spouse. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
W and I have been getting along great lately. I have begun to GAL and take care of myself and my kids. We are still living in the same house and sharing a bed. We have always gotten along well as friends. Still doing all the housework and trying not to obsess about her Facebook activity or what she may or may not be doing.
Just found out last night that she has begun to check up on me. I've been exercising (walking, running, working out). I've lost 40 lbs since all this began in June. Really beginning to feel better about myself and my relationship with my boys. I may be making progress, as she has gone from completely disinterested in me to beginning all conversations and having her best friend check up on my Facebook activity.
Bad parts: W cannot and will not tell me she loves me. I have told her only once in the past month. Very hard for me. Zero intimacy. No hugs, no kisses, no touch of any kind. This destroys me, as I am a big physical touch person.
Reading DB and several other resources. Trying to educate myself as much as I can about MLC and DBing. "Going dark" is not an option for me as we live together and sleep together.
Specific questions I could use advice on:
Our personal and physical distance from each other created this problem between us. If I do not pursue her in any way , couldn't that be seen as "more of the same"?
A 180 would be me being incredibly involved and attentive to her needs.
Where do I find the courage to really forgive her for her transgressions?
When she exits this MLC one day, will there be a great realization on her side of all the damage that she has left in her wake? She says she cannot cry about anything.
This website and community is a great resource. I am trying to live every day with the info I have learned here. Thanks to everyone.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
GAL is working great for me. I feel great physically and am getting better emotionally. Taking great pride in my renewed life with my sons. W and I are friendly and civil, but no real movement from her side. Still concerned about what direction to take with a 180.
Don't want to be seen as pursuing and needy, but being around and interested in her would be a 180 for me. I know that the process is just trial and error. Just don't want to destroy any progress that I have made.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Still fighting. W has said a few things in the last couple of days that make me think that she is at least noticing me. Had 3 different women tell me how great I looked in her presence. One even used the word "sexy". I could tell it bothered her. Trying not to get too excited about the possibility if progress. I know this is a long journey we are on. I keep reminding myself that the MLC is a roller coaster.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
No good news. W has been engrossed in Facebook and texting over the last couple of days. Every waking moment seems to be with her phone in her hand. I fear that she is again deep into an EA with one of her many "friends" from Facebook. Maybe even trading pictures again. My life is absolutely miserable every day. Not sure I can find the strength to keep on fighting this. I keep reading others stories and reading DB and other resources. I have been going dim as best I can with her. Still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, so dark isn't possible. She initiates conversation, but only after she hits a break in her FB activity.
On a lighter note, I came across MLC for Dummies and it made me laugh out loud. My favorite part was the Art of Clinging. i swear I think my wife could now sleep on a 2x4 as she only uses about 4 inches of the edge of the bed next to her nightstand.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Strangest thing last night. My W decided to do the dishes, sweep the floors, put away groceries that she bought 2 weeks ago and not retreat to the bedroom for the evening. All the while, she was not texting or FBing at all. I was busy helping S10 study for a test and helping S12 write a social studies paper. I tried not to react to her strange activity that has been absent for over 4 months. I went about my normal business, took my nightly walk/run and even went to the basement to work out afterwards. Not sure what provoked her to be different last night. I've been very dim, not starting any conversations and spending lots of time with my boys.
Baby step? Maybe. Revolution? Hardly. Encouraging? Definitely. I'll know she's trying when she chooses to hold my hand or hugs me it says something positive and encouraging to me.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
