The Show Must Go On

[Wonka]

Don't read too much in H's text, Bright. He was just communicating that information to you...nothing more. DXW did the same when her father died several years ago.

Last time when I informed him that I was coming to our vacation home for a few days while he was staying there, he freaked out and moved out of the condo, so I could stay there by myself. I didn’t give him any indication that I wanted to talk or anything R related, but he made his conclusion.

Oy! Ouch. If I was still around this board back in March, I would have strongly advised against that move. I bet it took you weeks and weeks to recover from this setback. You probably now see that as a pursuing move....whether it is intended or not. Regardless...WASes want to be as far AWAY as possible from us.

As I advised Magic in her thread, be judicious when testing the waters when contacting H. Do you know your H's top two LL? I've found that when we speak to their LL's, it helps in the healing process and reminds them of the positive aspects of the R. In my case, my DXW's two LLs are PT and Gifts. However, I've only sent DXW a gift once in the 9 years we've been apart...and that was for her most recent birthday in May.

[BrightFuture]

Yes, I would not question it if it would be about his close relative or friend, but I barely know this woman, even though I’ve heard a lot about her.

I know, this was a big Ouch back in March. I didn’t even think about it until I got there and found out that he moved out of the condo. In one of the prior conversations with H I mentioned that I would love to come over to our vacation home place, but I was wandering where I would stay. H told me that this was still my condo as well and I was welcomed to come over any time I wanted. So, I thought it was not a big deal to him, it would be just like one of the friends would come over to visit. There are two bedrooms in the condo. I guess when it came to actual situation he had some different feelings. You are right, there was a setback, he went no contact after that. But I think it also triggered some process in him. Our friend told me that he was revealing some childhood memories about his parent’s divorce. He also came to talk about our D shortly after that.

As for H’s LL’s, I think his primary one is Acts of Service. I cannot pinpoint another one at this time. I think it was Quality Time at some point, now it could be Words of Affirmation, considering his low self esteem. I’ve been trying to address his first LL by doing things for him right now (you can pretty much tell from my recent posts.) Obviously, I cannot do anything with QT right now, but I’m trying to give him some WOA.

[tori2012]

BF, I wouldn't over-analyze your H's moves. There's a lot going through his head that you're not aware of. Continue focusing and working on yourself.

You've been so kind to me, and I want to thank you for your help and support. XOXO

[Limbowife]

Hi Bright!! Thanks so much for stopping by and checking on me. You are such a good friend. I appreciate the advice you give me and the thought you put into it.

I am just getting caught up on things with you and I think it is a positive thing that your H has been communicating with you. Are you maybe afraid of hoping too much?? I know I am and I think that it what scares us. But I think it would be good for you to send him funny, cute kind of texts. You will know what feels right for you.

I think it is awesome you are taking pole dancing classes!! That is so cool. I would probably end up hurting myself trying that.

Just keep doing what you are doing. I think you are a good person and very strong and your H is going to realize what a prize you are. Take care of yourself.

[BrightFuture]

Tori, I always appreciate your advice. Your tread was one of the first once I’ve read on this site when I found it. I know that I overanalyze my H’s actions, but it is really hard not to. I had such a limited contact for some time that every word, text, e-mail mattered to me. I’m absolutely trying to focus on me and I think I’m making some good progress! It helps a lot to be able to come here to this board and read the stories like yours. I’ve learnt a lot from you and other posters here.

Limbo, thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. I’m glad you are OK and plugging along. Yes, I’m definitely afraid of placing too much hope into these recent interactions with H. I’m feeling strangely calm these days. His texts and e-mails don’t throw me into the loop any more.

I was hurting after one of the poll dancing classes this week, but decided to take another one, since my prepaid package that I bought a few months ago was expiring. I thought I would not be able to do much in the class because I still had some pain in my arms and legs, but surprisingly, I did better than in the previous class. This is the best conditioning exercise I’ve tried so far. But now, I have some bruises… They said it is normal for the beginners. I’m going to take some break from this. I want to go to our vacation place again next week to lay by the pool and go to the beach, so I don’t need any bruises on me.

H sent me an e-mail today informing me that he successfully installed his e-mail and the business software per my instructions and thanking me for the help. Then he asked if I did any updates in business and he wants to do his invoices for this week. I’m going to reply in the same, businesslike manner.

[MileHigh]

It's definately hard not to overanalyze every word, email, text, etc. I excel at it, but the more I read about other people's situations, the more I realize how mistaken it is to think we can understand what's going on in the spouse's mind.

When I start making up scenarios in my head, I catch myself and think "stop telling yourself tales" or "stop making up stories."

It's a little thing, but it helps.

[Serendipity5309]

It's definately hard not to overanalyze every word, email, text, etc. I excel at it, but the more I read about other people's situations, the more I realize how mistaken it is to think we can understand what's going on in the spouse's mind.

When I start making up scenarios in my head, I catch myself and think "stop telling yourself tales" or "stop making up stories."

It's a little thing, but it helps.

That's good advice. i find myself doing the same thing when I feel lonely.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Bright. Gee after reading your explanation about why you felt free to stay at your vacation home at the same time your H was there, I think I would have felt the same way (that I was welcome to visit any time since it was my home too) and would have done the same thing. No wonder you were blindsised by his reaction. Sorry it caused such a set back in your R. 

I have been trying to remember all of the setbacks in my R and what caused them, as well as things that seemed to bring H and me closer together (not many of those I'm afraid) to start a solutions journal like Betsey (Underdog) suggested on Wonka's thread. Do you do any journaling like that? I only journal my thought and feelings, but think journaling solutions would help keep us away from those cheeseless tunnels. I need all my cheese to sprinkle on my popcorn!

I think you're wise to follow your H's lead in the tone of your interactions. If he sends a business like text, be friendly but not loving. I bought an e-book when my H was having his first EA named "Text the Romance Back" and followed that program, sending him fun flirty texts. It made him livid!! Now I can see it was pursuing, and not intended to be used for someone in MLC.

Keep away from that pole!! We need you smooth and sexy for your vacation, no bruises allowed!

[BrightFuture]

Dmr, thanks for stopping by. I’m still trying to figure out the line between making up the stories and intuition. I think the calmer I am, the more realistically I view the situation and this allows me to more trust my intuition. Sometimes I find that my brain plays tricks on me. This happens when I don’t trust my intuition and start overwriting the initial feelings with more reasonable, or I would say more pessimistic, explanations. Later I find out that my initial feelings were correct…

[BrightFuture]

Linda, thanks for the thoughts. No, I don’t have a journal. I’ve been thinking to start one though. When it comes to writing in English, I concentrate on grammar and spelling, so it comes in the way of expressing the true feelings. I need to practice writing without paying too much attention to whether it is grammatically correct or not.

Good to know what your H’s reactions were to the flirty texts. I was thinking about this book too, but now I think it is not a good idea at the moment.