Good morning everyone! As you can see the title of my thread...HOPE is on the forefront of my mind this morning!
I feel as if I have lost all Hope.
I feel as I am no longer "acting as if" and really am moving forward...with anger creeping in every now and then with the injustices to me, the LBS, in the entire sitch.
I am looking for some motivation this morning!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Why are you feeling you have lost all hope? what has recently changed to make you feel this way? I have come to realize that feelings come and go in waves of emotion... and tomorrow you may feel different again. for me, going back and re-reading different post on here seems to set me straight again. I am in the same place as you over the past couple of days... feeling like all hope is lost. How can we make it back together when soo much as been done. Then I read a success story.. or even hear of friends of mine recently getting back together after 6 yrs apart..affairs. restraining orders .. the whole bit.... point being is you have to have faith in how things work.. the process... what your H is going thru. You know him better than anyone else in this world. Do you believe in him? in his strength? does he have the tools inside him to make it thru this? Have patience and faith.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I agree with what the other posters have said, feelings of hopelessness come and go like rain clouds. But tomorrow could be a sunnier day.
I've certainly have had times where I've even *wanted* to stop having hope, but I rode it out, shifted my focus to something productive, and learned to be really patient. Focussing on myself has really helped improve my mental attitude, perhaps because hopelessness is akin to helplessness. I've learned that I can take care of myself and my own needs, and that has helped give me a more positive outlook.
Maybe it would also help in your sitch if you could try to shift the focus back to you and finding wgat you need to make you happy.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Hi N72- Thanks for dropping by and relaying your thoughts.
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Why are you feeling you have lost all hope? what has recently changed to make you feel this way?
ME. I have recently changed. My actions, thoughts, and perspective have changed. I am now caught up in self-protection mode for myself and my children, that I am losing hope that he will come back, that I would want him to come back, or that we could have a great marriage if he did. I know I shouldn't dwell in the future, but I am trying to plot a course for my life right now, and when I envision my life, parts where I would have included him or wanted to include him, I am not feeling the same about.
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feeling like all hope is lost. How can we make it back together when soo much as been done.
Exactly. And now that I am doing things to protect me and the children, I feel as if I am adding to the destruction...
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Do you believe in him? in his strength? does he have the tools inside him to make it thru this?
Yes to all of the above. Will he? I am starting to wonder...his new life has a hold on him sooo much.
But I did hear of a bit of a change with him. Last night he took S9 to the playground at his apartment complex and pushed him on the swings. S9 told me about it when he came home. I love this. I hope that this is genuine and not a moment of H just peeking through. And S9 asked him about the circus and H said that of course he would LOVE to spend more time with them. The circus is on my night, so I am not sure how or if this will happen. But will let H have the control on that. Also, H seems to be picking up the kids more timely, if not early, and dropping them off later. Is this him re-connecting with the kids?
If nothing ever should happen with H and I, it would hurt, a lot. He has always been in the mind frame that nobody should stay in a marriage because of kids. So I don't have strong hopes of the children being a "BOND" between us. But I would want nothing but for him to have a relationship with his kids. And it seems he is trying to improve on this. Which does make me happy.
Should he continue this with some consistancy, should I acknowledge to H that I see this and it makes me Happy. If yes, how should I acknowledge it. Or should I let it fall to the way side...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
ME. I have recently changed. My actions, thoughts, and perspective have changed. I am now caught up in self-protection mode for myself and my children, that I am losing hope that he will come back, that I would want him to come back, or that we could have a great marriage if he did. I know I shouldn't dwell in the future, but I am trying to plot a course for my life right now, and when I envision my life, parts where I would have included him or wanted to include him, I am not feeling the same about.[quote]
Just because you are moving forward doesn't mean you have to give up hope... I know it's not easy. I was thinking about the same thing last night.. I usually plan long term.. 6 months.. a year.. 5 years at a time.. since everything happened I can barely plan for the next few days.. I don't know where I will be in 6 months.. maybe my W will come back.. maybe I will still be single.. maybe with someone totally new and in love? I don't know??? The point is you don't know the future... so why sweat it.. take one day at a time right now and just plan for you and your children's happiness.. don't worry about your H... if he comes back.. deal with it then.. you were very happy with him before and if it's God plan then you will be happy with him again... worry about you and your kids right now... it's all you can do.. it's all you have control over.
[quote=BRNR] I feel as if I am adding to the destruction...[quote]
you are not adding to anything.. your protecting your future for yourself and your children.. which is what you have to do.. Is he threatening you financially?
[quote=BRNR]Should he continue this with some consistancy, should I acknowledge to H that I see this and it makes me Happy. If yes, how should I acknowledge it. Or should I let it fall to the way side...
Was he a good father before the BD? I don't know if I would tell him that it makes you happy so much as I would tell him that it's making the kids very happy. That you have noticed a positive change in the kids since he has started doing more activities with them.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Thanks Negril - There is a lot of good stuff up there...
I was just about to respond that yes,he is starting to screw me financially. He hasn't given me any money in three weeks and I was going to file for support next week when......
H called me at work to say he is giving me all the money owed for bills and such TODAY. He normally would text, so I find it odd that he called. Anyway, I was very pleasant, told him I appreciated the call. He told me to have a nice day, I told him him the same.
Sometimes I feel as if I am in the Twilight Zone.
I'll believe the money part when I see it.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
My guess is that your feelings are tied to his still. That's not detached, right? When he changes, it brings up feelings in you. Don't worry, that's how it works until you are detached. Just note that you are not as detached as you might like to be and work on it.
As for the rest, I would be encouraging when he does things with the kids. I am in my own situation and I highly recommend it for the sake of the kids. As was noted, I wouldn't say you were happy with him for it, but rather you might mention you notice the kids are happier with him spending more time with them. I think that would be enough to encourage him without your involvement. If the opportunity comes up. I wouldn't force it either as he learns to be a parent to them. It'll happen gradually with fits and starts, so don't be discouraged.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My guess is that your feelings are tied to his still.
AJ - I don't disagree with much on here, but I will with this one. My feelings are tied to my kids. S9 was the one who told me of the events with his Dad, and when I saw his little face light up and the twinkle in his eyes and the pure joy he had, I couldn't help but hear the change in H. But the change did not benefit me, it benefited MY child. And yes, I guess in turn benefited me to see S9 with a moment of happiness.
Sorry to disagree. But I feel really detached these days, maybe not 100%, but more than I actually even want to be. But I know that is part of the process.
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As for the rest, I would be encouraging when he does things with the kids.
I do agree with this, and like this thought. Maybe this would help with that communication issue we brought up before, give H and/or I some comfort level to be able to talk. As you said, I am not going to go out of my way, but I will encourage this type of communication. Thanks for that.
Have a nice day everyone...it is a beautiful day where I am today. Wish I wasn't stuck in the office working.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
So, I woke up this morning with no hope...again. Not sure why I feel this way, but I truly do believe I am just becoming comfortable with the way things are.
I thought a lot about the no communication thing, and I see that it is killing my children...they seem to not understand why Daddy hates me so much and honestly, I don't like H not knowing every detail of his boys lives.
I really feel like sending h an email regarding opening the communication lines up for our kids, but I am nervous this will be seen as pursuing, and honestly I don't want it to be perceived that way.
At this time, I want to wish H well in his new life and encourage it as much as possible as I feel that this will help me get on with mine. I do love my H, but I don't like the MLC version. And with no hope of him returning I am focusing on my H being gone for good, after all, this is reality right now.
MWD doesn't really give any insight on how to deal with MLC and children. Wish someone could give some guidelines on this.
I don't know. Trying to promote PMA in my children as well. Told them that we want Daddy happy, but my S9 isn't buying why Daddy can't be happy at home and if there are any secrets I am not telling them...I said no, but I need to remind you, according to me boys do not know about OW yet. I don't feel as if I should be the one to tell them that, if ever they are told.
Crazy morning...but keeping it together.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, I remember very well being in the place where you are. It's a tough spot. Grieving kids are heartbreaking. You know your kids better than anyone and you know best how to handle this situation with them. I have a few thoughts that may or may not be appropriate, so take what you want and leave the rest. Whether your H is happy or not has nothing to do with you and the kids. You might "want" him to be happy, but that doesn't mean he will be. I can tell you are wanting to take the high road. Kudos to you! You're setting a wonderful example, however, from my own experience kids need to have their feelings validated just as much as we do. Your son doesn't understand. He only knows that he is sad without his dad at home. It's almost like asking your son to put his dad's happiness over his own. Believe me, I've done the same. The boys and I focused on poor H's suffering, lousy childhood, etc. That wasn't good for the boys. They were hurting and angry and had every right to be.
Maybe along with validating your son's feelings you could help him start accepting the new family dynamics. He won't like it right now and that ok. Your H's choices are his own. His relationship with the kids will change. If he wants to be fully present and know everything than he will have to do the work. It's not up to you to fill him in. Also, the kids can tell him what they want him to know. If it's not good for you to have constant communication then don't.
It's very difficult with kids involved. Having compassion for all people, including your H, doesn't mean that you allow others to mistreat you. It also doesn't mean you have to pick up the slack when your H falls short. B, your kids are watching. How you treat yourself and allow others to treat you will make an impression on them. What your H is doing isn't healthy, but setting boundaries for you and your kids is. You don't have to let people in your life who hurt you and neither do they. If they are hurt by your H's actions then put some guidelines in place. An area of growth for your H will be to figure out how to be a better parent. He may or may not choose to do that, but at least your kids' emotional health will be protected.
Again, you know best how to handle this with your family, but I did want to offer my perspective since I've been in a similar spot.
