LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

First post. Shorter right? Same Sex Marriage (both F) My life has become unraveled after disovering, in trickle effect over time, that my WAW was in a 2yr PA with a long-term friendship. (friends for 15yrs also F) Gut wrenching when I look back as we let AP stay with us off and on while she left her LT relationship and then I realize, the affair was not only my friend but happening in my home. WAW had helped the AP get a job, they began to travel together for work all over the country. "It just happened." I made all the mistakes. ALL THE MISTAKES! Beg, plead, reason, cry, yell, cuss, pray, give books, email articles, love letters, spy, bust, spy, bust... for months. Started IC last summer, WAW did also, 4 weeks later. She was diagnosed clinically depressed and medicated. Won't go to therapist anymore but still sees Psych and takes meds.

She initiated separation to "find herself" two months ago. I have discovered multiple times she has seen AP. And likewise AP has discovered times she has seen me. I have been serving her giant slices of cake.

No More. Last week was our anniversary. She sent me flowers I sent her flowers. At the end of the night I told her I did not want to lose our marriage but I could no longer participate in a marriage of three. I asked her not to call or text... that I would not respond. She can email me concerning finances and that's it. She texted the next day, 3x, I ignored. 2 days later she texted to say she couldn't believe I didn't respond but at least she knew I was alive by checking my cell phone records. Funny. That's how I used to spend so much of my time... spying on her cell phone.

It's taking everything I've got to LRT. It is so unatural for me. I am a "fixer". I am so tired and so sad and just so-so.

I could use encouragement, advice, and help staying the course. I have been forcing myself to GAL even when I don't feel like it... and I never feel like it.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Or maybe you are not on moderation now.(lucky)

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

P.S. Look for Needgrace's thread.

[~ kd ~]

P.S. Look for Needgrace's thread.

and Valeska19

[Cadet]

P.S. Look for Needgrace's thread.

and Valeska19

Yea, also Stubborn Dyke and Wonka.

I am sure there are others that I left out.

HEY KD - How you doing!

[~ kd ~]

Ah right, SD and Wonka, too.

Hey Cadet (sorry for the hijack, RT), things are well enough. You know how they say, "things sometimes get worse before they get better", I had that in Feb. Just working through it and getting my feet back under myself. Otherwise, things are good. Thanks for asking.

[Cadet]

You know how they say, "things sometimes get worse before they get better"

Yea been there and done that.

I keep wondering how much worse could it get.

I still have a few more hurdles to clear in my life, don't we all?

And some things are getting better and others still need to get worse.

Cause at the end of your life, right before they put you in that box in the ground, well thats about the worst it could get, right?

Anything before that is good.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks for the directions to the other threads. I started reading Needgrace already... very similar and helpful. I think need to look into the MLC information a little more too.

WAW is staying with her older brother about 4 hours away so DBing in person is few and far between. She did come to town a couple of days ago for two doc appts and I needed to trade cars with her b/c after her appts she was headed to the beach w/ inlaws. I met her at the house. She looked awful. It's been a few weeks since we saw each other. She has fired last week for just not doing her job. I assume this is an effect of her depression. She has gained weight, wasn't showered, no make up. I have been GAL forcing and was wearing new clothes (dropped a size...stress) had my hair done last week and started tanning for the season(I live at the beach). It's a stark comparison from a year ago when she was 30lbs lighter, buying new clothes, and in full-force trying to impress her AP and surfing in the "FOG" and I was a crying, begging, blubbering mess.

I was proud of myself. I pulled up with a smile, started getting things out of the car, did not approach her for physical affection which until last week was my usual M.O. I asked her how her drive was and greeted my dog. She walked over and initiated a hug. She held long and tight, I did not and I realesed first on purpose. We went into the house, she commented how good everything looked (I am trying to take care of my surroundings to keep my mood lighter and keep me busy) I thanked her for saying so and asked when she was coming back for the dog. She said Saturday. I smiled from across the room and said I had lunch plans with a work collegue, have a safe trip, see you later and left. I did not ask about AP, where she's been, what she's been up to. Nothing. For me that's not a 180... it's another planet.

I'm nervous about her return tomorrow. I'm afraid she's going to ask to stay at the house rather than keep driving another 4 hours to her brother's. What should I say? Yes?, No?, Yes - I put clean sheets int he guest rooms last week? I would normally be home and working in the yard or practicing my guitar (a new GAL hobby of mine). Should I make sure I'm not there when she arrives and blow in later? It's confusing because I physically see her so rarely since the S in Feb.

[needgrace]

hi RT,

i saw your thread and wanted to say hello and welcome you to DB. it is the best place to get support and great guidance through the most difficult of times. i am working now but will read your thread in more detail and write more later.

take care of yourself, RT, as much as you can right now. it does get better..

[RealityTrip]

Thanks Grace. I'm glad to hear from you. I really appreciate it. It's only been a week since I began LRT and I've been trying to GAL since October. But I have had the hardest week. Last night my WAW tried to engage me in text conversation 4x again. I did not respond as I said wouldn't. The texts got more and more angry ending with "Why are you ignoring me?" Then about an hour later she asked about the W2's for taxes. I thought she might be working on them as tax day is soon. I responded since it was finances and told her where I put them the car for her. She came back with:

WAW: "lol... the tax question was a test. So if I get this right you will respond to house, finances, dogs, but nothing personal...even if I ask you how you are...or if your alive...correct?"

I wanted to clearly reaffirm my boundary so I answered:

ME: "I talked to you about this last Thursday night. I am ready. I need these boundaries in place to begin to move forward. If you want to talk about it further, we can do so on Saturday. Enjoy your Mom and Dad."

She left me alone after that.

I had a meeting for work in a hotel today. I just discovered a huge trigger for me. Hotels. Most of their affair has taken place in them. I let myself cry all the way home and got on the forum when I got here. I feel more emotional than ever. Is this normal? Is it the beginning of acceptance and what letting go does to a LBS? I think I have been in shock since the PA BD and it's getting real for me now

I'm pushing myself to take care of myself and fighting myself all at the same time. I don't want to stop loving her and I want my wife back but I don't want to be in pain or hurt anymore either. I have to get it together before she comes back for the dog tomorrow.

[RealityTrip]

She just left. I did it. I DB'd and I did well. Since I'm on moderation my posts didn't show in time to get feed back so I decided to not be here when she got back to get the dog. I caught myself waiting, denied it, caught myself again and then pushed my GAL opposing self out of the house to the garden center to get my plants I wanted.

When I came home she was here. I'm so glad I made myslef read the 37 rules when I woke up this morning. This was the first time I've been in LRT in person and it was hard. She wanted hugs, she kissed me on the neck. When she was packing her summer clothes to leave I said to myself: "do not follow her around the house" Normally I would helk or sit there and watch. I went outside and started planting my new plants. She had to come to me for a goodbye. She hugged me long and tight and told me she loved me. I just smiled.

As she was getting in the car she said "I'm sorry I said I love you... I didn't know it wasn't allowed." I responded "It's ok. It's just hard for me." She was crying as she left.

Geez... I thought I was the one so dependent on her. It was different to see her seeking my affection. It took strength I didn't know I had to not shower her with the love I feel for her.

I just kept saying in my head. "She's already left you. She's in an affair. If you backslide you will lose her for sure. If you protect yourself with space and give her room to think you may still lose her or you might not. Don't be so foolish as to give her reasons to run. Show her your strength and give her your silent blessing to take her journey. If she's the woman you think she is she will make the decisions that are right for her. And that is most important to you." There's a weird peace in that kind of love.

I miss her already.