M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I'm mostly focusing on my school work right now. I do go to the gym about once a week right now. I also get together with classmates to work on school stuff once or twice a week. I'm not sure what else to do for GAL. I'm still waiting for the books to come in the mail. hopefully they will be here in the next day or two.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
Some WAW's play mind games with the LBH. One example is pretending to ask if you mind for her doing whatever she intended to do. She doesn't care if you mind or not, b/c she is caught up in her A with the OM.
Instead of telling her that you can't control her (b/c so many women would be thinking, "you've got that right bub!") just look right at her and say in a convincing tone of voice, "I don't really care what you do any longer. I have decided that I am going to live my life....and I'm going to do what makes me happy." Then turn away from her and do not continue the discussion b/c it will lead to a R talk, and that's a no- no.
The WAW thinks the M she has does not bring her happiness anymore. She wants to get away from her H and the life she had with him. The more he tries to hold her back from leaving him, the harder she fights to get away. However, if he goes on showing her his confidence, and that he can be happy and have a life just fine without her.......it will draw her back to him.
There have been a few WAW's to come here to the board who were desperate to get their LBS's back. Now understand, not in every case, but those that stand out to me were the ones where the LBH left the WAW when an A with OM was discovered. I'm not telling you to leave your W if you don't want to. I'm saying that when the LBH turns it around and leaves his W, it seems to snap them back to reality a whole lot quicker. Even if you can't leave the house right away, you can leave her with your attitude, speech, lack of contact, habits, and other actions.
It works a lot better than crying & begging her to not leave you. She has to experience a loss before she will even think about giving her new found lifestyle.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Some WAW's play mind games with the LBH. One example is pretending to ask if you mind for her doing whatever she intended to do. She doesn't care if you mind or not, b/c she is caught up in her A with the OM.
Instead of telling her that you can't control her (b/c so many women would be thinking, "you've got that right bub!") just look right at her and say in a convincing tone of voice, "I don't really care what you do any longer. I have decided that I am going to live my life....and I'm going to do what makes me happy." Then turn away from her and do not continue the discussion b/c it will lead to a R talk, and that's a no- no.
The WAW thinks the M she has does not bring her happiness anymore. She wants to get away from her H and the life she had with him. The more he tries to hold her back from leaving him, the harder she fights to get away. However, if he goes on showing her his confidence, and that he can be happy and have a life just fine without her.......it will draw her back to him.
There have been a few WAW's to come here to the board who were desperate to get their LBS's back. Now understand, not in every case, but those that stand out to me were the ones where the LBH left the WAW when an A with OM was discovered. I'm not telling you to leave your W if you don't want to. I'm saying that when the LBH turns it around and leaves his W, it seems to snap them back to reality a whole lot quicker. Even if you can't leave the house right away, you can leave her with your attitude, speech, lack of contact, habits, and other actions.
It works a lot better than crying & begging her to not leave you. She has to experience a loss before she will even think about giving her new found lifestyle.
Thank you for this, sandi2.
Do you think it's prudent to give the reason why a change in behavior has happened if the WAW asks? For example, if she asks me:
"What has been going on with you lately? You seem more distant and withdrawn."
She doesn't know that *I* know some things that have transpired with OM. I am thinking some sort of response such as:
"You have engaged in behavior that I said was unacceptable to me, and so I don't care what you do any longer. I have decided that I am going to live my life....and I'm going to do what makes me happy."
Obviously I stole that last part.
Thanks,
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
W came home around lunchtime today. I was working on some homework. She asked if I wanted to go get something to eat. I was pretty hungry so I agreed. She was texting the entire time. After we were done she asked if I could get her an early birthday present(it's in a month). I wasn't sure I even wanted to get her anything for her birthday. I just told her that she would have to wait until her birthday before I got her anything. Then we came home and she had to leave for her next class. She used to come home right after class but today she never showed up. We had talked about going grocery shopping this evening but it looks like I'm gonna have to go alone. What's your take on the birthday present? I don't really want to get her anything but would that make the situation worse? I know what she wants and it's about $40.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
My W and I were getting on when it was her birthday and was unsure what to do. I got her a load of stuff (that she loved) from me and the kids. The next week she told me she was dating.
At the time the birthday felt really important. If I knew she was dating beforehand I would have got her a few bits from the kids.
Sounds like she invited you so she had the leverage to ask for something from you. On top of that she was ignoring you the entire time.
A $40 birthday present isn't going to change your R in the long run. She might have a problem if you didn't do it but not one that would change her mind in any meaningful way. She's having an A with OM and not only does she expect a birthday present from you she wants it early.
It's easy for me to say and hard for you to do but I think you need tell her that you have thought about the present and the answer is no.
She's looking out for her, you need to look out for yourself. How will you feel when you get her the present early and she takes it to show OM?
You know her and your sitch better than anyone else, what do you think the outcome will be if you do or do not get the present?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Well, she finally came home around 11 (5 hours later than normal). She said she had been hanging out with a friend and OM. Then she said she went out to dinner with OM. I found that kind strange because she usually just say she was with a couple of friends and name some of them but she always leave OM out, but today she said she was with him. I guess OM's ex-gf was texting her tonight (they are "friends") and was telling her that she was glad OM was spending time with W because she didn't want OM to hurt as much as she was and she knows W makes OM feel better. I don't think OM's ex-gf knows anything happened before they broke up. From W behavior and was she was saying it seems like shes a lot more broken up about causing OM's ex-gf pain than she is about causing me pain.
Thanks, everyone, for all of your suggestions and support it really helps with the whole process.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
Oh yeah, I forgot to add, today there was a note on the door from management reminding us that our lease was up in may and if we wanted to avoid extra fees that we would need to renew our lease. It also said that if we are planning to move out we need to submit a written notice at least 30 days prior. I let W know about it and she said well I'll be staying so I'll have to go and renew the lease. The way she said it makes me think that she expects me to move out. We have talked a little about it before, but not too much, and it just really bothered me that she just expects me to pack up and move out based on the little conversation we had and she doesn't even ask what I want to do about the lease. I just said alright and left it at that for now.
Me:22 W:20 T: 1.5 years M: 1 year I find out about EA: late March 2013 W says she wants D: 4/8/13 I find out about PA: 4/19/13 I move out: 5/9/13 I file: 5/24/13
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Have you told her that you are not going to take a back seat to OM? And does she know that you will be looking for a place to move in about a week?
You still don't get it, Alan. You're still thinking about going together to shop for groceries and pondering over her birthday gift. The WAW who is involved with OM has to experience loss in the life she had with her H before she will begin to turn back around. The girl thinks you're going to buy her a birthday present a month away! She doesn't think you're going anywhere! So apparently, you have not made it very clear about your intentions.
Look, she totally disrespects you. She proves that fact over and over every day. She didn't want to spend time with you at dinner, b/c she was involved in texting someone else the entire time, according to what you said.
You have to make her think you are dumping her b/c she isn't good enough for you. I don't how to make it any plainer than that. B/c she doesn't respect you and b/c she's doing another guy and is living a new lifestyle....she has to believe you have dumped her. Do you see? When a LBH is acting all needing and clingy and trying to get a wayward wife to stay in the M she has so willfully disrespected.....she is totally turned off to him. And why shouldn't she? It isn't attractive at all for a man to act like that.
But if she's convinced that she's LOSINGYOU, then she'll forget all about lover boy. But you've got to have the stones to carry through with it.
If you had made it perfectly clear that you aren't hanging around to see what she decidesabout which man she wants.....you or OM, then when she asked you about an early birthday present, you would not have had any problem with a ready answer. You should have been able to just look at her very firmly and say, "You must be delusional". If further explanations were necessary, then I'd say the two of you have serious communication problems. Besides, if she has the nerve to ask, you should have the nerve to say at least that much. Why is it, that the H gets treated like cr@p and yet he kisses her a$$ and begs her to give him another chance? It's crazy.
I am not advocating that you see how mean you can be. The idea is to act happy, cool, confident, and moving forward. As if you're glad you got out of a bad situation and can find something much better. I realize that's not how you feel at all, but where men mess up is not separating their feelings from their techniques. All this acting as if.....is the technique you use to save this M.
Why do men worry and fear that if they pull back that she'll get the idea he's no longer interested? But that's exactly what needs to happen. That's what it takes to get her attention & interest in you. One reason OM are rather exciting to the WAW, is b/c he's "unavailable", or off limits (or should be), and it increases the desire to have him. Same thing works with the LBH. That's why you need to be unavailable while she's living like this. She needs to see you stand up and show that you don't have to settle for that kind of treatment, and that you can be happy without her.
If she sees that you are not interested in her, it will draw her in closer. But you've got to believe it, Alan, and realize it's going to be a long journey. I know you want it to quickly change back to how it once was, but if she doesn't go though this process of chasing you and herdoing the work to get you back, and get your trust again, then you'll have a repeat of this behavior in about a month's time. So, don't make it easy for her. Make her work for it. If she agrees to stop contact with OM, don't settle for it, b/c she's not ready. It takes time, and loss for her. Remember that. You need to see her living like the girl you knew. Proving that she's not only willing, but that she's actually doing it.
Take it for what it's worth from a WAW who was in an A. You have a chance to get her back, if you'll realize that it should be her getting you back. If you won't lose focus of that one thing, you will do better than the majority of LBH's who have come here.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
