it's soo wierd isn't it? a mere nine days ago this man was going about his life in his house , etc. and now, he is gone forever. granted his cancer apparently went undiagnoses in there with all his other illnesses - but he was truly surprised that there was nothing to be done about it and no time to do it anyway...!!!.
i think he just accepted it because he was forced to - shut off his brain and drifted away. i'm glad he didn't linger or know for long- but this sure is quickly- it sure makes a person wonder about it all - you know, the whole "scheme of things".
i keep thinking of the comments you've made from time to time about h - and how they were rite on the money. domineering parent(s) - no one "hearing" him, etc. but then i think- in the end- what the heck does it matter why- ?
i guess having known how it feels to be someone's big "it" in their life - i'm still having alot of trouble being the nothing now. my ego? don't know- oh well- forward we go huh?
as dawn's always saying- my (lighthouse is lit - but it's sputtering -
hey - me back again- just because i find myself with a private moment-
i think of you daily too and wonder what is up- how you are dealing and so on.
i think with me- it's just a waiting game. i find myself looking at this man with new eyes. knowing what i do now about him- i honestly don't know wwhat i feel for him- and if there's any reason for us to stay in each other's lives.
after friday his dad will be buried and i geuss we'll head north. i don't even want to go there- totally want to run away from mom and all that junk.
i'm thinking life is waaay too short to be spending it with people who don't particularly want my company/companionship and feel the need to be looking at6 me with a critical eye anyway. i'm just a regular old person- some good - some bad.
oh yeagh- and they seem to want to keep on TELLING me allll about what my shortcomings are???
wtf is up with that.
i go to say more- and have to just erase it. i guess that's TRUE ACCEPTANCE - when there doesn't even seem to be a reason to talk about it, it's all soooo the same old junk.
I - just continue along until some magic moment happens and it all blows to hell. one of us goes bonkers- or a piano falls on my head or what??? this business of "life" is sure a mess. oh well-
i'm okay rite now- and i only have today.
xxo (me being philosophical per brain guy on public tv in middle of night) i like it- i am okay rite this minute and i do (maybe) only have today... cop out or wisdom???
i had to laugh at your c omment- we're so famous - (not) our 2 little litehouses - in our two turbulent oceans with our stinking little lights ssputtering up there amidst the waves - it's still mighty nice to know you're out there -
Nero - Thanks for checking in on me when your going through your own issue. Sorry to hear your news. How is this working out with you by H's side? You would think it would make another very appreciative to the L and attention one is giving. I don't want to burden you so I will journal from here, your free to stay off the MLC bs.
Journaling:
I have not been experiencing the usual dep and anxiety of the MLC world. I have actually been allowing other aspects of my life to be just as or more important, but at the same time I see how these other issues are affected by my sitch.
As far as stages go ( I have always kept up with stage of MLC) H is going through the acceptance stage while revisiting every stage from the beginning. H is also showing himself to be steady as Jekyll and Hyde have merged into the man he is today.
As for myself, I have found myself asking H to let me go! At first it was my anger, in his face (to his surprise). I followed up with many heartfelt conversations over the days about where I am through all of this. How it is about me now, and I need him to give me the space to build myself up and bring my family together.
I described what I expect from myself and what I expect from those in my life. Telling him how I will continue to move this family forward and need him to take himself out of the equation. I said despite what you believe we are not friends...I would not have a friend like you by choice, and now it's time you live by the convictions that you have strongly spewed at anyone who would listen.
Step by step I went through my experience over the last 4yrs and revealed some secrets about how/when/where I broke down during his MLC and what it has taught me. I am on my own journey through this with a healthy mind that in the end still holds on to L, loyalty, truth, faith and happiness, as the foundation of any R.
He also revealed some things that have been on his mind during this time and how he did purposefully shut me out, blame me, spite me, and just plain did not give a damb about my feelings. He called it the easy way to justify turning himself into the aswhole that he became, and how easy it was then to turn to another. How he enjoyed manipulating her and using her knowing he never has to answer to her, hence why he chose such a broken person to begin with.
But, in revealing that he also said he came to feel sorry for her broken sitch and then saw himself in this miserable persons light. Saw himself just as crazy and broken, but not as crazy and broken because he has me. In came the reason for holding on to both worlds, even though he was in mine majority of the time, when in her's he was spiritually free.
That's when I said then go find your spirit, let me be free of this pain because you are affecting me and only now that your changing back a bit do you really see the destruction you have made.
He does not want to let me go! He does not want to let EA go! I asked him to make real plans about moving out, giving him options to leave things here, treating it more like a well thought out mutual agreement. He is thinking about his options but he is also not very willing, he said he doesn't want to loss me.
I said it's not about you!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm not asking him to "come home/back"! I want some space/time without him and him without me, how do I tell him this? He's gonna try and force a R now in order to not have me sep. from him? What is the next step....what LBS pushes for a S, just me?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I am writing and asking for advice on how to get through an adult conversation about S and avoid being brought down that rabbit hole. He is convinced I want him back, I want him to return to me, L me, sleep in my bed, and be my lover. It is hard for me to tell him what came so easy for him to say to me, I don't want you in my life anymore, I chose myself.
I want to be alone (which I never really am) and happy, not with him, and lonely!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm trying to get him to get his own place...he'll be home tom. from his a work trip and still thinks I want him to stay and work things out, need him, want him!! I just want to work out a mutual S and have him leave within a certain agreed time frame.
HE's stuck on- you want me to love you, don't you, and be like I was!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
what an awful couple weeks- amazing what a diffference a couple weeks can make in someone's life.
i have no idea how or if this affects H. if it mattered that i was "there". the nite his dad died- i had to go drive home (1 hr) and drop my baby neice off at home- and asked if he wanted me to come back or not - he said come. thank goodness i did - his dad died about an hour after i got there. he's never said if it makes a diference or not- i don't assume anything atny more- i can see where it was all my own assumptions and delusions of love & romance. oh well huh???
Quote:
I said despite what you believe we are not friends...I would not have a friend like you by choice, and now it's time you live by the convictions that you have strongly spewed at anyone who would listen.
i need to say this out loud also - I have said the friend prt- i believe it. he thinks we're friends. i've said to him he doesn't know what that means. i'd never treat a friend like that in a million years - and wouldn't keep anyone that treated me like it. no reply- what else???
Quote:
I am on my own journey through this with a healthy mind that in the end still holds on to L, loyalty, truth, faith and happiness, as the foundation of any R.
how true and me too - i find myself very very skeptical and untrusting tho- i hope to lose that. i guess only time will tell- between him and my mother- i feel like a damaged item myself- oh well.
Quote:
and how easy it was then to turn to another. How he enjoyed manipulating her and using her knowing he never has to answer to her,
geeez - i wonder if this is what my h feels OR THINKS? i cannot imagine- he wants IT ALL. he tells her he loves her- i could throw up-( on him please....) - failing EVER geting any feedback or insight into whether this h of mine EVER EVER EVER looks at himself and gives it a thought- probably not at all and never will tho.....
GEEEz DAWN - HOOLY CROW ALSO- WHAT A LOT OF STUFF TO digest and think about and how strong you are to know exactly what it is you want rite now- and how good that you can say all thease things to someone receptive and listening - and also him saying things that are honest and straight - instead of crappolq. i fear i'll never ever get out of the land of total bs. i am impressed by yourability to put it into words so nicely and to say them to his face. yay you.
my guy can't do honesty- to himself- to me - to anyone. he gave a lovely lovely speech/tribute to his dad at the funeral yesterday morning - not one dry eye in the place- man or woman. i found myself listening- blubbering and thinking (it's all a show). sad sad day- i went from total trust across the board - to none at all. even in the face of his crackng voice and misery- i don't trust him and what he says and shows the world. i think all calculated. i need to work on that and get back to my good ole self i used to be .
i cannot dive out of here just yet- i think i can do awhile longer. i dread going to nj- i'm still j ust "over it" with my family. i find myself wanting to tell everyone i know well that i've had it- and i want out.
somehow i am getting myself out of the caring doormat position in my famly. i am not anyone's "go between" anymore. i'm not just the dumping grounds either- i need to find my way here into a new identify. i want to be me- i think i'm nice guy- i'm done trying to help or fix it or solve it - or make it happen. do not care...
yay you- i'm soooo glad you're not having the usual dep and anxiety- i'm hopefull i get to that point. i also say yay to your feeling that the other aspects of yourlife are filling it up and he can just step aside. it's a good thing i think. i need to get busy- hopefully the job substitutin g will be something for me to get going on - and towards whatever my life will hold in the future.
i'm not thinking of big future plans-just today i'm okay- maybe it's all i get.
tht is working for me. still in shock over his dad- i've known this man and considered him family for 37 years- it's hard to let go of the "fixtures" in your life.
oh well huh? good good for you- hope all is well still today- i'm outta here. haven't done one thing in this house for two weeks- need to just sit still- take a shower- appreciate being alive and take a minute to take stock of my life and what the heck i'm doing. don't feel like packing or doing ANYTHING really- maybe i won't- we'll see.
xxoo h ope you have some moments of true pleasure and happiness today - (and every day) i'm going to go enjoy something and let my self do that.
oh no- i just typed youa nice ole big ole response - with four or five qoutes of things you said that i happen to feel aply or wanted to comment about- somehow pressed submit- and immediately back and lost it- wtf
i can't believe it. i'm kind of tired - despite just doing alot of running around and doing nothing much- i feel weary.
you sound great- right on some track and sure of it and sure of how you feel. i'm so happy no misery and dep for you.
i agree a heck of alot - about going forwad with your very good - old same old values in tact. why not- why can't we live in the type of world with the type of r we want? we may as well shoot for tht.
also about him living with his choices- i have said to my h also- he is no friend of mine. he thinks he is- friendship is more than giving me some money - or not booting me out. i wouldn't have a friend that treats me like he has - and i'd never do it to even an enemy myself. they are nuts.
i wonder if my h feels same about his ow- he tells her he loves her- i hate him when i think it. i'm hating t ho even in a detached sort of way. i dnt' know if he's killed us altogether. maybe. i can't find a place in my life for the way he's made me feel- the things he's doine and the resulting pain he's caused. he may not want to face it- or fix it- but it's there nevertheless.
today i'm not thinking about it all tho- no future- i just don't have a big ole plan and i don't care.
after watthing frank die- i feel empty about big future plans- i'm okay this minute- i'm giong to find soemthing to give me pleasure today and do it- i just am too weary to care. it's a good thing i guess.
i dread nj and my mother- i'm soooooo DONE with that junk- the personalities, the spats, the demands, the go-between-ing, etc. this woman is done.
now- how do we make that take effect again???
anyway- you sound great and very together and forceful. i'm happy you're not depressed - i'm impressed at your forcefulness and surety of what you want and don't want-
hyou're inspiring me- i'm going to go chill one bit- wash my hair and sniff around this house- been out of it so long and in such a high stress situation- i'm still not "down" from it all. what a couple weeks huh? sure makes youtink- enjoy today both of us- frank was there one minute and in the space of nine short days- dead and gone. from home and doing his thing, but not feeling well- to DEAD. A LIFE LESSON. i'm glad for him he didn't suffere and linger- otherwise - yikesQQQ!!!
