Am I kidding myself.

[Hopefull2]

Thanks RH, so glad to hear your sitch continues to improve...

You ask how W's feelings have changed. That would be the million dollar question. She is still very guarded.

When I twisted her arm to go out for her birthday she was very guarded towards me but cordial and she did enjoy herself and thanked me for the night out. Before I left out of town I bought her some flowers and a card and left it on her patio. She texted me and thanked me for the night out and for the flowers, she said she really enjoyed herself.

over the next month we have had occasional text sessions. She called after I had a car accident to see how I was. So in general friendly interactions but more of the same...

My last trip home was last week. I had texted her to let her know I was going to be in town for only a few days and that I would like to see her and possibly do dinner or a movie. She had been struggling with some health issues (more later) so I left it pretty open ended. We did meet for an early dinner and generaly just caught up on things. No R talk or pressure... I again left her a nice blooming plant (my G-Daughter helped pick out) and a card on her patio. She thanked me like three times via text over the next two days....

On the health issues. Here is where my detachment begins to be tested. Understand she has said a while back that she had not spoke to OM (doctor) in some time. I truly believe that. Well guess who she contacts in regards to her health issue??? yep So my emotions are somewhat spun up but as Snodderly would tell me, let go let God.... Exactly what I need to do. Do not read more into this than might be there.... But this is one of my triggers and is what led to me asking her to leave. I will not be in a relationship where I am second on the list... not going to happen!!

I truly sense that she really does not know what she wants. She wants to hold on to "us" but there is so much MLC stuff going through her mind (guilt, freedom, grass is greener, what if...)

So in an attempt to "test the waters" a bit I send her the song by Pink "Just Give Me A Reason". She responds that this is a good song and she bought it a while back, says "it says a ton". She adds that she wishes she could tell me what she is thinking but her mind is in overload with so many things going on. A very cordial response. I replied that I understood and that I would be patient. Kind of wish I hadn't said that...

But patient I will be for awhile longer. Like T2 says he evaluates in 3 month increments ( seems what I remember). I do want this to work but as more time passes I admit that I have started to evaluate if the grass is greener out there....

[Hopefull2]

I think I need a DB coach.

I really have no idea where to go from here. I want to continue to build the friendship which would lead to R but how do you do that long distance.

How much contact do I make verses doing the dance...

Looks like she might be getting a new/better job which means she would not even consider moving out here with me (that was a reach...)

She still seems to want to hold onto something but for how long, till someone else comes along...

Am I just being impatient. It was easier I guess when I was out of Country with a different focus on life. I guess I am back having to deal with reality, what an adjustment...

Take Care Friends,

I do know I am a better person today than I was before this started....

[reachingHigher]

DB coach is a good idea.

I got the package of 3 for the lower price. It's not like you have to use them all at once. I had months between each session. If you have a good handle on DBing already, it's more like the coach can identify what your particular sitch needs or what you want.

I can tell you now, Hopeful, there are still some days where I wish I hadn't waited, wished I had gone ahead and D'd. But most days aren't like that. Most days are very good in reconnection. And for tying together your whole life...your history...your children/grandchildren with this spouse, it's good to work things out.

Plus, you have to ask yourself, would you really be happy without them or always feel like something is missing?

I do know I am a better person today than I was before this started....

^ ^ ^ ^ This is a powerful statement! That's a great feeling!

[Hopefull2]

Back at home for a week or so. . W has had her schedule pretty full since i have been home but was able to take her to dinner last nite.

I feel the nite went very well, lots of small talk, kids, job... No R talk or pressure, just two friends catching up. I did request a goodbye kiss and she jokingly said I was pushing it as she leaned in

I will get to see her again tomorrow at our neighbor girls wedding. I am not one that likes to dance but I am hoping she will dance a couple with me... We will see...

One more journal update, I did have a text session with her earlier in the week and was throwing out the possibility of her coming to my new state for a bit of sight seeing. She seemed amenable, and is considering it.

Take care friends, hoping for the best, whatever that is in each of our sitch's...

[Hopefull2]

Need a little advice for my moral compass....

Quick Update since it has been a while:
-Being out of town and working many hours has made it virtually impossible to DB other than wait and hope.
-Wife has definitely pulled away since last May/June. Would not make extra moment to meet with me when I was home for Christmas

I have pretty well accepted that this is not going to work out. I am still emotional about the loss, too much so. I feel that I am needing/looking for closure.

Dilemma:
So I am back home and I drive by W house in the middle of the day, her off day and guess who's car I see in front of her place. The OM that was supposedly only a one time PA and long term EA.

So after calming myself and not slashing tires and waiting for him to come out which was a definite thought. I now ponder what I want to do. Understand I have never exposed this to OM's Wife nor to any of my grown adult children. This fact has been a constant question in my mind...

Do I let this go, walk away, say nothing???

Will I continue to have anquish and have doubt in my heart for not being honest with my kids. I am not one who lies and am usually an open book, wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I feel this secret has hurt my relationship with my kids.

If I take this path I am pretty certain I will be filing soon. I am ok with that at this point. It would at least bring me some closure and help my mental health, maybe....


Do I expose this to OM's wife and to my kids (along with the wrongs that I have done)???

I ask for what end am I looking for? What good will it bring?

What they are doing is wrong. My W is still close friends with OM's W. She is either oblivious or maybe even accepting of the situation??

Telling my kids would lift a huge burden off of my heart. But it would hurt W tremendously. She has been hurt plenty in her childhood (SA for years). For that reason alone I have kept this to myself and a few trusted friends.

Sorry for the length...

Appreciate any feedback/opinions/prayers....