Chris, I agree with 25. You need to do something for W on your anniversary, but nothing pushy. Keep it simple and fun. I really like you getting her a great card just simply state how thankful you are to still be together and how you love her. Nothing about sorry or anything, but just looking forward without saying it. Nothing too long, because that would be pushy...once again simple, fun and sweet.
Second, plan something small like a night walking through the park, especially with the cooler weather and leaves starting to change. It could be beautiful and just talk like you would on a first date. Don't bring up the future or MC or anything. Think first date and have fun. Get some coffee or cider or cocoa and just impress her like it was your first date. Maybe even go outside before your date and ring the door bell when you pick her up. This last part may be a little too much, but have fun planning it. Keep it simple, fun, and light with no expectations of how she will react. Like don't expect a kiss or holding hands or a hug, first date.
For her b-day get her something for her like a massage or facial gift card or a manicure/pedicure. Something that she can use to pamper herself, which will show her you care about her well being. Say something like have a relaxing day because you deserve it. Once again nothing about your R or anything, but it is about her and the gift and simple words will say it all.
I could be totally off with all of this because I never got to reconcile, but it is what I would have loved my XH to do. So if I am way off please someone tell Chris.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Thank you for all the suggestions....We have a canal downtown, very pretty at night with all the lights and snakes through the city. I think I will take her there.....a nice walk maybe a meal, just relax with out the kids. I havent gotten the card yet but have time to look for the right one. I feel better with some sort of plan takes the pressure off!
anniversary cards are tough at times like these. Maybe get a blank one and write a short and simple message in it.
love the canal walk idea....if you only take a walk you could bring a blanket and champagne or wine bottle and just sit and talk and have a glass of wine or two (not more or you'll get mushy or pushy)
If you look at the past, review the good times & laughs. When she told you she was pregnant, how each child was, their first days of school, teh first fist fight, or boyfriend/girlfriend problem...what you wish for them.
This is "future" talk without being R talk...and it's past talk without dragging in the crap.
the birthday ideas are great. They are sort of acts of service (massage, factial, etc) so I don't think they're too mushy but they are useful and relaxing and will generate positive feelings in her.
GOOD LUCK
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well Gang thanks for all the great ideas. But judging by the conversation we just had none of them are going to work. I got a new job today and my first day is actually on our Anniversary. I mentioned that I would be starting on the 10 th. and said not sure what the plans are for that day but might be compacted. Her expression whent blank and was like didnt think we were doing anything other than sit home. I replied well thought we would do something even if a few days early like Saturday night. She became very cold and said well not sure I feel like celebrating this year. Not much to really celebrate. Next thing I know we are in a full blown R chat and it went poorly. She said that I broke a trust that she isnt sure can be fixed or given back. The last thing she said before going to work (which this is a second job, that she wanted, I feel she is trying to be independant) was something like let me try and work this out my way. Not exact wording but close. After 4 months I am starting to lose all hope. Help.
she also said that every time that she sees me on the phone or PC is thinks I am doing something I should be doing. I told her she was more than welcome to read my emails see my text messages. Even sit at the desk with me when I am using the pC.
Why did you engage in R talk? Sure, I know about the job starting then, (congrats on the job btw)
but this was simply YOU going in for R talk and pressuring for your desired results, again.
Why the big surprise? Why can't you back off for real?
And either up the meds or change them. You simply spin things way way too negatively.
NOTHING she said was fatal to the m or even negative.
It was "i'm not ready, I'm still hurt BUT I WANT TO WORK ON IT MY WAY..."
WHICH to ME, is almost all positive.
You sure do want a lot of reassurance for being the one who cheated....(still!)
It's not attractive Chris. Come on, get a grip!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I had to give up the meds due to cost...hence the new job. It pays more and has better medical. I have not mentioned the R in months.....and just thought we were further along than we are.
I know that I will be focusing a lot on my new job, as it is going to take up a lot of my time. I have began to turn a corner of my garage into a little hobby area for myself. Other than that I have been very busy getting the kids to the places they need to be and getting homework done.....etc. Not sure if that is what you mean or not. I feel so stupid for letting myself get into a position that I thought it was ok to have a R talk. I know better. I have not even contacted her today...thought it best to let her contact me. Kind of calming down period. I havent spoke to her since 5 pm yesterday.
keep working on you (not a lot of GAL there...ANY 180s??)
and let her come to you. When she knows, you will know.
But please GAL...Do something different too. And how are your fathering activities? still involved? Good...that will always help.
But not GAl isn't helping you and negatively spiraling sure doesn't either...hurts your cause.
A class that meets ONCE a week or twice a month is something...a book club, a seminar, something NEW and different that shows you are growing in a new direction...
and occupying your mind with something other than your need for reassurance, will do wonders for your ego and interactions.
Maybe the job has something?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
