mhl, your words came in SUPER handy last night. My D was crying because she wanted us to move back HOME to CA. She didn't understand why we couldn't. She's so upset with her mom for making us move here and even said, "Why does SHE decide where we ALL live?" I had a heck of a time trying to both answer it and skirt how I felt.
I told her that there are laws that we have to follow. I told her that what she is feeling is completely normal and I feel very similar but I told her that we are doing well right now and that we will TOGETHER. I kept trying to explain to her that she isn't alone and that we are doing this as a family - even if it's messed up.
She so misses her friends and I'm trying to help her meet new friends.
I keep waiting for a day when I don't have to be the better person, or actually, when I can complete a NORMAL day without dealing with any of this. But I'm resigning myself to the fact that I HAVE to be strong for her and am doing it.
man, this is so friggin tough...it makes me so mad at my W for doing this to us...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I had a heck of a time trying to both answer it and skirt how I felt.
That is exactly what you have to do!!!!
Well put my good man!!!
You will get better at it as TIME goes on.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I told her that we are doing well right now and that we will TOGETHER. I kept trying to explain to her that she isn't alone and that we are doing this as a family - even if it's messed up.
Bravo!!!
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I keep waiting for a day when I don't have to be the better person, or actually, when I can complete a NORMAL day without dealing with any of this.
AHHHHHHH, Time to get deep here.......
This up ^^^^^^^ here, this is what you are working towards....
However, I am going to change some of your words......
see if you like this better......
Originally Posted By: Bolt editing by MHL
I keep waitingcan't wait for the day when I don't have to be theam a better person, or actuallyAND, when I can complete a NORMAL day without dealingand can deal with any of this.
Here is the cleaner version......
I can't wait for the day when I am a better person AND I can complete a Normal day and can deal with any of this.
I left the strike throughs up there because that is the mental blocks you need to laser cut right out of your head.
don't have to be........... sorry to break the news to you....you HAVE to be a BETTER person everyday.....for the rest of your life. (here is the good news....when you ARE a better person..... you do not have to try.....you just ARE!!!)
Someone put that in Latin !!!! hahahah
without dealing.............. if you don't have to deal with this shat you will have to deal with something else.....right???
Your journey, your growth, the things you will learn about you will make your LIFE better.
If your LIFE is better then the things and people in your LIFE will be better........including your marriage.
This is the concept that is hard to grasp here.......Fix you first then everything else typically falls into to place.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
But I'm resigning myself to the fact that I HAVE to be strong for her and am doing it.
man, this is so friggin tough...it makes me so mad at my W for doing this to us...
Yes you do have to be STRONG.....STRONG indeed.
Mad is okay and Mad is normal........just don't let it consume you......process it...get it out.....move forward.
Happy Little Friday!!!!!
Have a beer on me Bolt!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I hardly ever talk to my W now. The only reason I talk to her is regarding the Ds and even then, it's only been about when to pick the Ds up when we have visitation.
She actually said that I don't listen to her when she tells me things. The funny thing is, she hasn't talked to me in a while. I finally had it and said, you need to find someone else to blame because you can't blame me anymore. She continued to accuse me of not listening and I returned - only once - that I don't listen because I'm not talking to her. She can't accuse me of it anymore.
It felt really good. REALLY good to not let her influence me. I don't need her anymore. It's so nice to feel that.
Actually, I don't miss her anymore either. I don't miss the pain for sure.
It's nice to worry about myself and my Ds now.
Thanks to all of you who have been helping. I do hope to return the favor here sometime. Now that I feel I'm getting my feet (a little) I will do what I can.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Trying not to get lulled into that false feeling of good times. The W has been very friendly today...she must want something.
Not falling into it. My oldest wants nothing to do with her. She has her own opinion on things and my W is accusing me of influencing her opinion. I can't do anything to change that idiotic way of thinking so I throw it away as fast as I can.
things are getting better. I had the youngest this weekend and she said she wanted to live with me. She said she still needed time - AND that the only reason she said she would live with her mom is because she didn't want to hurt her feelings because she really wanted to live with me.
Crazy...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Good to see that things are calming down a little for you, there will be other times where the storm clouds will be swirling around you. Use this time to start to work on You for YOU.
Try not to think about your R with your W, rather think about YOU and what you want out of Life. Now is a good time to take a little peek up from looking at your feet and see where you are going.
With regards to your daughters, continue to support them and be their ROCK, in words, deeds and actions.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I had the youngest this weekend and she said she wanted to live with me. She said she still needed time - AND that the only reason she said she would live with her mom is because she didn't want to hurt her feelings because she really wanted to live with me.
Crazy...
Watch out for this.....your youngest will try to take on ownership of your happiness......my son did for a long time. Realize that while she may indeed want to live with you, she said what she said to make you feel better.
A good response to that might be "Daughter, I want to live with you too and I love you very much and your mother loves you very much too. For now lets just worry about the time we do spend together and making it a good time."
I would try to avoid these conversations and you can always fall back on "I just don't know right now". You will validate their feelings, tell them it is okay to feel their feelings but DO NOT Interject how you are feeling about their Mom, the Sitch, or anything else while they are sharing with you.
Your oldest is looking for a "partner" to hate your W with. Hate is a terrible emotion. It is draining, it takes work to maintain.....you have to feed the emotion, when we get tired of hating we tend to look for others that can "hate" for us while we rest. That is what your oldest D is doing. Validate her feelings by saying "I understand why you may feel that way". She may ask you about yours.....show her the ROCK.
You are unwaviered by your W's words and actions and you are doing the best you can for you and your daughters. Show her that Life can be Good again. Oh and BTW your daughter will blame every bad thing going on in her life on her mother. Mine does to this day and I will tell you that there is one word to discribe a 14 year old teenage girl........
DRAMA
Everything is Drama.....even if this crap was not going on with your marriage.....your D would still have DRAMA in her life. This is where good counseling comes in handy.
Word of warning.....and I have said this before....avoid contact with your W......
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I finally had it and said, .........
It felt really good. REALLY good to not let her influence me.
Did she really not influence you???
Originally Posted By: Bolt
and said, you need to find someone else to blame because you can't blame me anymore. She continued to accuse me of not listening and I returned - only once - that I don't listen because I'm not talking to her. She can't accuse me of it anymore.
Remember, she can and WILL do whatever the h@ll she wants and it will all be your fault......always.
Remove yourself from the equation......it will take time but the more time that goes by where there is no contact the better it will be......Trust me.
Your conversations should be "fact based".......such as....
What time am I meeting you???
Where am I meeting you????
D8 needs XYZ item for school....
That is it, nothing else. You will even be blamed in your silence and absence for a while too.
It takes TIME before you can communicate with her more than that....
Hang in there Bolt,
you're doing good.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MHL, I feel like your my brother in all of this. I thank you for the words of encouragement and of wisdom.
I am following what you are saying almost to a tee.
As far as the W - I keep contact ONLY for facts. Her returns for more communication have waned and that helps me greatly. The less I hear or think of her, the better. With no communication, that makes it easier.
The blames - I don't care about it anymore. She did try to blame me for something I wasn't even around for but it didn't get to me at all - actually, I found it quite funny...and sad. But it didn't affect me negatively.
I even heard that she thinks I still want this to work. I've detached so much now that I can't even imagine being with her again. Her infidelity is too much and I've severed those feelings off me for her.
As for the oldest D - I don't commiserate when it comes to her mom. As a matter of fact, I agree with some of the things her Mom says that upsets D. I am stern with D but much more apathetic then my W is. That's too bad but I guess that's all part of the MLC. She blames the D for everything. That causes D to have anger - but I don't feed it. I reassure her that there is still plenty of love for her from me AND her mom. I do it by showing her love though...not just saying it.
Drama? Oh yeah...I know all about that. I can differentiate between regular drama and divorce drama because the regular drama doesn't last very long and usually comes from nowhere. I am getting her into counseling. I'm looking at a half dozen right now and have already had her talk to the school counselor.
The guardian has been helpful as well.
The youngest D is starting to have a hard time. She had a great weekend with us - and her sister and is now withdrawing a little. She doesn't like it "down there" (at Mom's house) but is afraid to tell her. She's in a tough situation.
I have been having her focus on the time we DO have together and make the most of it. She's in a very bad spot because she has nobody to play with. Her Mom never did and is busy with work. I make time to play with my kids - heck, I'm still a little kid anyway...
Begrudgingly, I'm starting to see the only real solution is for me to move closer so we can co-parent. Selfishly, I'm not happy because the town is much smaller and has zero opportunity for my career. But if my kids are happier, it's all worth it.
Back to the W. Right now, I'm totally fine with the limited conversations with her. I don't think I'm 100% over what has happened but as of right now, I don't want our R back. Not as it was...not with this person.
I have been GAL big time. I'm meeting a ton more people and have "dates" that I'm looking forward to. I'm not rushing into anything just meeting people. I like to hang out with people and for the last few weeks have been isolated. I'm making myself happy - something a few weeks back wasn't sure I could.
AND I"M WRITING MORE!!! that's the biggest thing
Thanks again MHL!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
wow...getting control both makes me feel better and a little sad.
I called W only because we had an insurance claim. I wasn't sure if it was her accident or mine. We had a civil conversation about it.
Then she asked about me drawing up the custody papers. I told her I didn’t have time. She wanted me to do this before her meeting with her attorney tomorrow. I am not going to help her out in anyway. I told her I didn’t have the time yet and she got upset. So I did say, I want D9 as well as D11 . I have full custody and she can visit. She asked why and I said that she is too unstable right now.
Her sister had talked to me earlier in the day and said W called her last night. Said that W knew she lost D11 and even took the blame for it. She didn’t know what to do but said that she couldn’t get rid of the OM. Her sister told her she HAD to get rid of him for the sake of the girls but W wouldn’t listen.
SO, when I talked to W, I explained why D9 should be with me. I told her what her sister said (because W told her sister to call me) and W flipped out. She started screaming at me so I hung up.
She then screamed at her sister and said she never wants to talk to her again.
Then she called me back, crying. Asking why I thought so little of her. I explained to her that I didn’t think little of her…I thought ZERO of her. I only thought of the kids. She should do the same. I said this very loudly and sternly. She ordered me to not yell at her and to call her when I was calmed down. She then hung up.
POWER PLAY…didn’t work. I texted her and said I am no longer helping her. I said that this was her mess and she had to clean it up. I tried to help but I’m done.
She then called me back and said that I can have the f’ing girls. To come get D9 tomorrow. She told me to call my attorney so I could get custody.
…the drama continues… Hope that all made sense… I’m a little shaky right now.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
