Thanks Cindy. It's a difficult road for sure because I'm truly torn. I want my daughter to have a mother but not this way. My W is being so selfish, I can't say or do anything about it.
Her father even drove 6 hours to talk to her on saturday (She didn't return his calls for nearly 9 days straight - so he drove to see her) and she STILL didn't change her mind about the OM or how she was dealing with the kids.
My main concern is my youngest daughter who is still in the situation. I pray every day to have them together. I'm willing to sacrifice my career and therefore my life for my kids.
I thank you again for your support. I need every little bit I can get.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I can tell that you are doing your best for your daughters. It broke my heart to read what she asked you. As much as this is tearing you apart, it must be even more difficult for your girls.Sending best wishes your way...
Well, the next MORNING, my D was right because the OM was there cooking breakfast. She talked to my W and told her she can't trust her anymore...
You know what that little MLCer did? Told her 11 year old to grow up - and that she wasn't going to talk to her when she was being irrational...
Bolt, I know your pain well, I want to caution you as you move forward.
Your D11 is watching you......
She is looking for guidance from you.
this is going to be tough...
My D14 is still going through the pain of being apart from her mother and my XW is still very much in the throws of MLC.
You will be tempted to confide your feelings to your D11 because she shares your pain.
Please resist.
Children see things very black and white, when your D11 says she's done with your W....she means it.
YOU WILL VACILATE.......Trust me.....I did.
One day you will Love your W the next hate her.
this will be confusing to your D11, it was to mine at the time I was still standing and I know for a fact it played a part in some of my XW's choices at the time.
Also, when you start to swing back and forth between those feelings of love/hate for your W it will cause a problem between you and your D11.
Be there to support your D11 but understand that she will look to you to confirm her feelings, if you do by comiserating with her about your W then it could cause all kinds of problems later.
If you have the means, get your daughter into counseling ASAP!!!!
I will try to post more tonight, I would tell you to go back and read my thread but I think that I did more wrong than right. If you do listen to what the others were saying to me.
You will get through this.....I promise.
It will get better.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MHL, I definitely need your advice on this. My D wants nothing to do with my W and my W thinks I'm poisoning her. I swear I'm doing the opposite. I'm making her call her mom and talk to her.
What else can I do? She asks me questions and I do answer them kid appropriately. I don't know what other way to handle it.
She asked me at one point why I didn't tell her everything. She said that she was old enough to handle it but I explained that she is smart enough but not mature enough. She got mad but I told her that she would have to trust me on this.
I just need a little guidance here because even though I hate her Mother and what she has done, I don't want to keep her from her. I'm truly torn...
help
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt, while I currently don't post to you, I do read everything you write.
In this, my role as a father is/was to protect my children. I insulated them as best I could. I did not involve them with what was going on between me and my wife. I did not appear anything but as strong and confident as I could to them. I did not use them for support or a sounding board. I would allay their fears as best I could, without filling their heads with my own hopes.
She is 11. Can she handle it?
I'd look into a child councilor. Someone safe for her.
As for your wife saying you are posioning your daughter against her?
Are you?
Are you telling her things that paint your wife poorly?
I used to tell my boys when they started to ask, "That mom and I loved loved them very much, and neither one of them had anything to do with the problems between mom and I. That this was something we had to work out."
I never talked badly about my wife to them. Ever. Their shoulder weren't big enough for that and I wasn't going to cripple them.
Tell your wife to talk to her, she might not want to be married to you, but you are still both parents to your daughters, you both should be able to talk civiliy about them and both be on the same page regarding them.
My wife was a horrible mother at the time, but you know what? She was still their mom. Did I want my kids around the OM? No. Absolutely not. Not something I could control though. And he was never going to replace me as their dad. He was just the guy f-ing my wife.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
To answer your question, I have ONLY been saying good things about their mother. AND I'm very genuine about it.
As a matter of fact, when my W basically threw the Ds out of the house last weekend, I talked to them and said that Mommy is under a lot of stress and doesn't mean what she does or says. I had them go in and give her a big hug - the biggest they ever gave her...she then proceeded to push them away and told them to get out of the house.
They were a wreck...I STILL stood my ground and said that she didn't mean it and that deep down, she still loves them.
My oldest is really hurt over this BUT she is so much happier with me. There is no drama. We don't talk about the D or the problems. She just wants to get on with being a kid. I make her go outside and play - get muddy.
The thing I may have a problem with is using her as a sounding board. I've done that in the past and know it's wrong now. I'm trying now to insulate them
My youngest is pretty insulated because she just goes with the flow. The oldest is very in tuned to what is going on. I'm trying so hard to keep her from growing up and trying to fix things. I don't want her to grow up being codependent.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I'm trying to come to terms with this whole thing and hope I'm doing the right thing.
I can't help but still feel the blame. Mostly because the W is giving it. It's easier and easier everyday bc I don't care about her. I'm not giving her the power anymore.
I just want what's right for my girls now. If I believed it was staying with my W, I would let them. I'm sorry but with a felon living at the house, I can't see it being right in anyway. Even if he is "changed".
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
My W has done the same. She has to blame someone for the kids feeling the way they do. She can't possibly imagine that it is because of her.
It's all about blame.
My sons want nothing to do with W. Guess who get's the blame? Me.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
The fact of the matter is that in today society our kids are inundated with "sexual innuendo" everywhere they turn.
Lets face it...
At 11 years old I would suspect that most kids can put 2 X 2 together when they see Mom's friend cooking breakfast the next morning.
You do not have to answer her questions with anything otherthan "you just don't know."
It is difficult when a Man/Husband/Father forsakes his children and blantanly flaunts what he is doing right in front them.
However
It is quite another situation when a Mother will treat her children as some of the MLC women treat their children here.
We are appalled as a society....when a Mother will do that.
For me it is very much a testimony to the existence and severity of Mid Life Crisis.
Your wife has a "mental problem", it is real and I do not mean that as a derogatory coment about your W nor mine (and mine has done some effed up shat for sure).
Grace has said this many times before to me and others and it is so true......
It is not your responsibility to maintain the relationship with your children and your MLCer, however it is your responsibility not to damage it.
I beleive you are trying not to damage it but you have to watch everything you say and how you act around your D11.
The best thing you can do is show her that you are not going to let the actions and words of someone else affect you.....
even if you love that person very much and they are causing you great pain.......this is the example you need to set for her.
I know you may be financially strapped but if there is anyway for you to get your D11 in counseling that needs to be of the upmost priority!!!!
You will hear so many people say, "She is their Mother, and your daughter has to have a relationship with her".
I will disagree with that statement because right now being exposed to your W is harmful to your D.
however
It is not your call as to when that may change.
A therapist will be able to help your D11 deal with reconnecting or not reconnecting with your W.
It really is up to your D11.
Be her ROCK!!!!
Let that DRIVE you and motivate YOU.
I will tell you that when I turned my Life around and I stopped wallowing in my self pity.......my daughter noticed.
and when she saw that I was happy.....
she was happy.
Show her what real MEN are made of.........
It takes a real Man to face what we are facing and rise above.
You can do it.
I will get better.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
