Yes, he is fully aware of what I know. I try to keep it under wraps what my current opinion is of things, but I do discuss her somewhat openly in front of him. I collect facts in the most matter-of-fact way that I can without throwing in any nasty comments or anything like that. I'm not sure why he's so keen on changing jobs in that I don't know if he's doing it to please me, or be away from her, or if he just wants a new job (it's not out of the norm for him to change positions every 12 to 18 months. He literally started in the mail room at this company 6 yeras ago and just last month received a huge govt clearance to work on big projects). He still insists that nothing physical has ever happened, and he doesn't even really think he's had an EA. But again, actions speak louder than words. Pictures really speak....
He texted me this morning asking if I wanted to talk on my lunch break. I asked if there was anything in particular he wanted to discuss, and he said, "no, just wanted to chat with you."
Apparently he's quite ill. I guess he's having allergies or something. He sounded terrible on the phone. He didn't ask much about me during our conversation, but it was brief (he was in between meetings) and mainly focused on these potential new positions as I knew nothing about them and he wanted my input. We started to launch into a converstaion about Brother, but I told him I knew he needed to go and asked if he wanted to discuss that matter later tonight. He said that would be great and told me to call whenever it was convenient for me (since the bomb, he's been setting the time, so this was a nice change of pace). I told him I'd call him after yoga.
I can't tell what's going on. Clearly we are having more communication. Clearly it's a better quality of communication. Clearly he's asking things about me specifically and initiating topics.
But I still just question the motives. Is he doing this because he's genuinely interested in me and moving towards reconcilation (or at least the idea of it), or is he asking because he feels guilty and is wanting to make sure everything is ok before he really cuts ties?
Hopefully I will get some clarity when he's home. It goes back to the "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do". It's easier to judge actions and their behavioral function when he's here.
This is mean, but I hope he's got awful allergies from being in Cali. His symptoms sound like allergies. He's never had them in his life. Give him a dose of what I deal with several times a year (which he has NEVER been very empathetic about. In fact always gave me hell over being sick all the time and wanting to sleep and not having enough fun when I was like that). Now try flying on a plane feeling like that. Have fun, honey.
DueInMay, so you said you knew for sure it was an EA?
I know what you mean about genuine or guilty. I'm going through that now. Since DBF bought a new car without telling me, he's been extra nice. I wish I could believe it.
I hope he's moving toward reconciling and that that all your best thoughts are true.
My heart goes out to you. Pregnant and going through what you are going through is not easy. A few years from now, you will be so strong and amazed at how you made it through this time.
H:41 W:44 D1:18 D2:16 S:12 D3:7 T:20 M:18..soon Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
“It is what YOU make it”!
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
IronMan, thank you for your comforting words. It's so nice to have a forum to go to where I can talk about these things as much as I need to and not feel like I'm "burdening" folks on here. I know personal friends can only do so much, and then they themselves just begin to feel helpless and angry. I'm glad we have our community to help each other and know how and why we do what we do.
Lila, I suppose I don't know for sure that it was an EA. He had pictures from them bar hopping together and sunbathing together on his hotel balcony. They were extremely physically close in most of the pictures. I also found out that when he went on his NOLA trip with Best Friend at New Years (remember, the "this will help me get excited about the baby" trip?), she ALSO decided to take a trip to NOLA with her best friend for New Years.... He insists that they weren't going "together", but he fully admits they planned to be there at the same time and hang together. I also found in our phone records that he had an hour long conversation with her at 3 AM Cali time one evening. I actually found him in the garage having that conversation and he told me at the time that it was another male coworker. It wasn't until I checked the records a few months later that I found out who it really was.
But I have not found any emails relaying message of loving one another, he's not bought any gifts for her, and there's no other "hard" evidence suggesting that it is, in fact, an A. They are partners on the same team, and there is a 2 hour difference in the time, so I can see how an hour long conversation at 7 PM our time is 5 PM Cali time and ergo may be completely work related.
But my gut says otherwise.
Best Friend does not seem to think they have an EA style of relationship. I think she's most definitely inappropriate if nothing else (not only the level at which she has involved herself with a married man who has a pregnant wife, but a COWORKER). The sheer fact that she seems to have little to no good judgement about this situation is very disturbing. Not to mention H being a complete idiot for putting himself in such a position, especially given the nature of his job.
I do not trust her, I do not trust him, and I just generally do not trust this situation.
I understand completely. I think whether or not you have "evidence," it is inappropriate and it is making you uncomfortable and losing trust, and that is a breech of your comfort level in the marriage.
Is he home yet? I don't know where you live, but it's after 11 pm here EST. Wasn't he coming back tonight? Or is it tomorrow?
Well, I'm pretty irritated about this. He told me he booked his flight for Friday. Of course when I asked why he didn't book for Wednesday or Thursday, he used the "it was too expensive" excuse. Said that he had looked at the various prices, then waited an hour or so, and the prices went through the roof, so he went for Friday.
But I've called AA and they have no record for him for a flight on Friday either. So I don't know what's going on.
They say that he no showed his flight on Monday. Not that he cancelled it or changed it, but that he just straight up didn't take it. It seems odd that he would purposefully attempt not to come home because he's made plans with me for Saturday (plans that HE initiated) and plans with his family and me for Sunday. So... I don't know if this is a mistake, or if he genuinely is hiding in Cali.
I think I'm going to ask for the flight number and say something like "I can have AA text me if your flight is going to be late. With me being so pregnant, and the weather being so bad lately, I would hate to be left alone for any long period of time if you get stuck out there". I'm hoping that will fly instead of me having to say "nope, I'm calling AA behind your back and they have no record of you planning to fly anywhere at any time."
I guess all this sneeking around just prepares me for when my daughter is a teenager trying to pull the wool over my eyes...
I hope you are coping with your pregnancy well. That's your first concern.
If your H isn't there or concerned enough to be there for you for the birth of his own child, watch out. A real man would do whatever it took to be with his W in this time of her need and not let "price" be an issue.
The fact is that he's used excuse after excuse to you and you don't need to take it any longer. If you know he hasn't made any travel arrangements, then he sees you as a burden.
If he tries calling you, don't answer the phone. It is not your job to keep him informed of everything that's going on with the pregnancy when he doesn't even make an effort to be there with you. He has to WORK for the privlige to be married to you. Not the other way around.
Is there someone else there who is available to help you through the birth?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok, so he's supposed to come home today. I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, which is somewhat odd given his behavior over the past two weeks. He assured me on Wednesday that he is coming home this afternoon. As of 11 this morning, AA still has no record of him being booked for any flight.
I almost do not want him to come home. I don't like having to pretend to be happy. I do not like having to pretend not to care. I do not like not knowing when he's going to come or go. A large part of the last one is just me being such a time nazi. I'm just hyper aware of my schedule.
I guess the good part for me is I'm going to be crazy busy over the next two weeks. I'm hoping to make my last day May 6th. I have a LOT to accomplish in that time period, so I'll be staying at work late for the most part. I can't believe I'm one month from my actual due date (and I don't think I'm going to make it there).
I hadn't cried in 3 days until yesterday. I just lost it on the way home. I cried very hard for about 20 minutes (in hindsight I probably should have pulled over my tears blurred my vision so much). My brother is now gone. He moved out yesterday. I don't need anyone. If I go into labor, I'll call a cab to get me to the hospital, and I'll notify my emergency contact and my family. My bag is backed, the car seat is installed, her diaper bag is ready and her nursery is complete. I can do it by myself.
I almost want to just wash his clothes for him, repack him, and send him away.
DueinMay, sorry about your husband still being a no-show. That is odd that he does not seem to care, knowing very well that you are due very soon.
Take care of yourself first. Your baby daughter is gonna need you to be well for her.
I gave my daughter's first bath after she was born. She has been the best thing that happened in my life. Hopefully your husband will realize what he is missing and come back to his senses.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
