LRT and Christmas

[angel61]

Nina,
Christmas is hard - it brings all the memories of good times together.
I have been crying on and off since two days ago. I feel absolutely like giving up too. But lets just keep hanging in there....


Merry Christmas to all

[sandi2]

I once read that it might help if we do something different during the holidays. Maybe change some of the "tradition" up a bit.

Thinking of you all and praying that this next year will be much kinder.

((hugs))

[Nina]

Merry Christmas to everyone. Praise God that we are all healthy and that He promises to use the bad things in life for good. He will use this storm for something good and wonderful that awaits for each of us around the corner.

Good Bless you all.

[MHL]

Hey Barb,

How are things going? Just checking in, hope things are better this week. Give us an update if you can....

Cheers

[barbsing1]

Thanks for checking in. Update on me - news not so hot.

I have been very reactive the past 10 days - really just not able to deal with the constant rejection and cruel actions of H. Knowing he had purchased ex-wife the same phone as me hurt. Finding out he went to my favorite jewelry store (a place he buys a special gift for me every Christmas) and purchased something for her there killed me. He also got me something there (from the kids) but it was the piece of lesser value. Guess it doesn't really matter who got the nicer piece at this point, right?! There was nothing under the tree for me from him and I sat there feeling like a dummy while everyone else opened their gifts.

As usual, I didn't keep my mouth shut about knowing he had purchased her some jewelry (found out on the same credit card statement I saw the phone on). Right after I mentioned something he said "I want to puke! This is making me sick! You keep making things worse for yourself - if you had never seen the statement, you would have never known about the purchases and you wouldn't have been hurt like this!". So ya - I messed up because I guess by looking at the statement I was snooping and by bringing it up to H, I was doing "more of the same" - but he twists things - so now it is my fault I am in pain. Has nothing to do with his choices. It's all me. I just feel so overwhelmed and stressed. After this conversation, as per his usual pattern, he became affectionate and kind with his words, complimenting me on this and that. Guess this is his way of saying sorry.

So we had a few more relationship talks, mostly initiated by me because I'm half out of my mind knowing he calls her from our home each evening. I have tried setting a boundary with him on this, but he has chosen not to respect it. And as usual, they ended horribly. I have come to the conclusion that I just can't DB with him in the house. It is too difficult for me, given the circumstances.

We went shopping for provisions a few days ago and I noticed he wasn't getting anything. I noted to him that he must be moving out soon. He said he was - next week. I asked him if this is what he wanted - he said it was what he needed. I accepted this, acknowledged he needed this and that I knew we would do what was best for the kids. He became sullen after this comment and that evening sat by me on the couch for the first time in a long while. The next day I overheard him talking to his ex - so I confronted him again. It's just one big vicious cycle. I seek affirmation, he distances, I distance, he moves closer, he breaks his promises and I start doing "more of the same". I have not been able to implement the LRT because I would just be doing it for him and to get him back. I know in my heart and soul that once he has moved out, I will embody the LRT because it's what I want and need. I also NEED him to be out and have stated as such - I have agreed with him this is the right thing to do not to shake his foundation but because I really believe it to be true.

His whole deal of wanting to stay through December was that he wanted to spend the holidays with the kids. I just watched him walk out the door to head to a bowl game about 5 hours away - he told me he was not sure if he was returning tomorrow or the next day. By the look of his garment bag, I'd say he is planning to spend new year's eve elsewhere. Without prompting, he said he was not spending it with her and that he viewed this trip as a way for him to just get away - no one controlling his time or actions, no one checking up on him, no one wanting anything from him. My actions thus far have continued to reinforce I am trying to control him because he views my boundaries (such as no contact with ex while in our home) as control. He came to hug me goodbye and I wished him a happy and safe trip - asked nothing about who, what, where, etc. I felt good about how I handled that - for me. When I engage angrily, I feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty anymore.

there are many things I could have done differently in the past 4 months since he returned home. Some things I did right, others, not so much. I often wonder if I didn't make things worse. But then I sit back and remember that his pattern is to blame me and my pattern is to accept the blame. I remember that he is going through some major stuff in his life, is confused and will continue to project his self-hatred onto me and the kids. He won't be able to do that after he has moved out. I have engaged the alien for the last time. I can be a very black and white person at times - this is one of those times. While you are here, I can't let go. But when you walk out the door, while it is true that I still love you, I will move on with my life. I have done it before and will do it again in this situation.

I feel so much sadness for my H. To be that confused - to change from a man of integrity to a man without a moral compass - it's just so, so sad. He lost ex-wife once - and the fear of losing her again is the only thing that motivates him right now. He is not thinking clearly about all he will lose without me, our family, our home, our life.

So here I stand, holding my little girl who is crying for her daddy and wondering why he left for a couple of days. I can only imagine what it will be like when he moves out for good.

Sorry so long.

[MHL]

Barb,

I am so sorry that you are in the middle of the storm right now......

I know it all to well.

Trust me when I say "IT WILL GET BETTER" in time.

I can remember reading DR over and over again hoping and praying to save my marriage and I know that is what you are focused on right now.....God how I remember it, like it was yesterday.

The thing is that you are looking to a technique that you are not actually ready to use yet and to be honest you are not at the Last resort yet not even begun......

First things First

Stay away from your H. It is simple.

It hurts....I know.

BUT

Being around your H = pain for you.

Limit your contact as much as possible. This should be your only focus. I promise you. You will look back and read this later and understand the wisdom in it.

He is like a spinning tornado and you are getting hit by sharp flying objects that he is throwing around and it is causing you immense pain.

I will post more later......

Please know you and your girls are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care, Peace.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Barb,
I wanted to chime in with something I read last night about marriage. It was an analogy of marriage using sea glass. I will need to paraphrase.

When sea glass is first dumped into the ocean, it is jagged, sharp and raw. It will cut you if you're not careful. Much like marriage in the early and mid stages (fighting and jockeying for position). Over time the waves crash and the glass starts to smooth. Jagged corners become rounded soft edges. Much like a marriage settles into a comfortable smooth, quiet place to be. The anger and unforgiving jagged glass goes away and leaves only smooth rounded corners and it feels nice to the touch and nice to look at.

We sometimes forget that it takes time and patience to smooth the corners of our own selves. And it takes time and patience for our S to do the same. But once we do (and it takes a long time and much wisdom) we feel great, comfortable, and secure.

I want to hurry this process up as well but if we take our time, the reward is a comfortable, warm, smooth life.

Good luck!

[angel61]

Barb,
My H used exactly the same words. It is part and parcel of the MLC. When I would snoop on his texts, he asked me why did I want to hurt myself by doing that. He did not see it as him doing somethig wrong. He said that all he wanted actually was freedom to do anything he wanted to do, leave when he wanted, be with whoever he felt like, etc. They lose sight/and or hate everything they ever had before - committment, responsibility, values, morals...

We become their emotional shackle. they are sick of their life and do the opposite. In a sense they do a 180. It is when I realized that the same situation is repeated over and over again in the threads of this post that I realized that the experience that others have in this board is invaluable, because just as our H's in MLC react in the same ways, things the LBS does will make them react in the same way too.

It depends upon you. It is your CHOICE.

If you want him to stay, it might not be too late. Fake it and suddenly be cheerful,do not talk R, only talk about good stuff. Do not ask about his choices, do not bring up his leaving. Its a week to go, just observe what happens. For me I saw changes in a few days.

Its seems like your choice though is to hurry it up and get out of the way. Again, it might be a better choice for you. Then you coulod do LRT (easier when not home). for me, I do semi-LRT - GAL, 180's but cannot do NC as we live together.

That way, you don't get hurt with the "flying objects". For me though, it was a way of letting him have his cake and eat it too. It meant that he had his freedom without guilt.

Good luck, please stay calm, and take care. Hope 2011 will bring a better sitch for you.

Hugs,

Angel

[angel61]

I wanted you to know also that I was also half out of my mind - my H would call OW from home, would run out of the house when the phone rings, would leave both me and D on special days to talk to D, spent 30 mins on the phone with OW on my birthday, had dinner with her on our anniversary, visited her and would call me from wherever he was, and I had to keep myself from screaming and crying. In the car though by myself I would cry and rant and rave.

[sandi2]

After this conversation, as per his usual pattern, he became affectionate and kind with his words, complimenting me on this and that. Guess this is his way of saying sorry.

Kind of like a drunk does after a big bender?

I know you were hurt and outraged. Some of what he did could be put down to being a man who has no imagination....no forethought, and most of all, no consideration!

But here is where you, Barb, can have power over these times. I know, b/c I picked up on your spiritual belief in your post. You know where you get your strength, right? That strength is superior to human strength. You can do all things through Christ which strengthens you! (Little secret here....I'm just like you.. ; So hard to keep my mouth shut! )

I have tried setting a boundary with him on this, but he has chosen not to respect it. And as usual, they ended horribly. I have come to the conclusion that I just can't DB with him in the house. It is too difficult for me, given the circumstances.

When a S is having an A, there is no respect. If you set boundaries and he doesn't "respect" them, it's b/c he has no consequences by breaking them. KWIM? Christians are forgiven for their sins, but they still have to suffer consequences for bad decisions. So, if that is good enough for God, I bet that's a guideline for us, too.

When I say consequences, I don't mean to use the threat of divorce in everything. He wouldn't believe you, anyway. But, when he phones the OW in the house with you...what could be a consequence for that? It has to be something uncomfortable b/c some type of "loss" or a lot of uncomfortable stuff is all the wayward spouse will sit up and notice.

For an example, if he's with OW instead of being home for dinner....you cook just enough for you and the kids. When he finally comes home....he will have to fix his own meal. You don't have to act mean or question where he's been. You just tell him that since you never know how many to cook for you've decided to cook for who is home at supper time. If he comes back with some remark that you should know he would eventually come home, you just smile and say, "Really". You don't say anything else, and you leave the room b/c you always have something going on somewhere in the house. If he follows you.....you keep the PMS and you don't let down. Let him spit and sputter....so what?

Maybe you will be able to do the LRT after he moves out, but I wished you could apply it now. Hopefully, he'll come back from his trip with a changed heart, but you need to prepare for the worst.

We'll be here.