Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

W and I are interacting better. She does not seem as cold when we talk now. I think detaching from her feelings and just treating her in a more respectful manor has help me. My anger for things, that have happened in the past and with EA/PA, has gotten the best of me when talking to her. Now I have little anger behind my words.

I know that my sitch is a long way from anything happening, good or bad, but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have adopted a thought to help me. I will be a winner whatever direction this M goes. I want to have happiness in the M, but if not then I will have happiness without W.

Yesterday W was on her other cell phone talking to someone when I came in from a church function I was at with D. As she was finishing W stated on the phone I love you. I knew that it was a friend of hers but never heard that type of exchange. I looked at her because she used those words feely with her friend, yet has used those words sparingly for me and especially my family. She would always say that we (my family) "over-used" those words. As if you could stip away the meaning. W then quickly became defensive and told me that she was not talking to OM it was her GF. I asked her if she was feeling guilty, that I looked at her that way because of her use of words being so free with GF and not for my family over the years.

I have not asked whether she has said anything to OM. I think I don't want to know anymore? I am just past that point. She has lied to me so many times that I have little to trust with her. I am continuing to work on loving myself and kids that if and when she decides to come back to the M we will need to try MC. She did admitt she needs IC and has looked into some. Do I trust? Not right now!!

[HopelessInLove]

It has been a few days and not any true progress that I have noticed. She has been less cold to me. I am trying to see small improvements in our interactions and signs from W. The only real change was 2 days ago when I asked how her day went, she at first gave me th typical response of "every day is the same." But then she started to elaborate on her day for a good 5 min, and then asked about me starting a new job.

We have not been argumentative for about a week. I have been reading a book recommended on a thread gutwrenching had back in March called 'Feeling Good Together' by Burns,MD. I am trying to understand ways to communicate better.

The night I went to buy the book was the night of S birthday and we had family over to celebrate. W was extremely social, just the person she is. When my parents were leaving W said goodbye to my parents and hugged my father, not atypical. But when talking to my dad later he said she held him very tightly and for a long time. What gives? Is she afraid of losing my family? Not trying to read into it. After cleaning up and getting kids down for bed, I came down-stairs and told W I was heading out for a while I had to do somethings. She asked me if I was coming back home. I told her yes and asked if she needed anything and left for 3 hours. When I returned the front light was on and she prepared the couch where I have been sleeping since coming home.

I have been generally in a better mood and has been upset saying that I have not acted this way in all the years she has known me. This has gotten her upset at me.

[HopelessInLove]

I know that my changes have taken hold and that W has noticed the change. W the last few days has told me that she needs to talk to me. W finally talked today. She was upset that she is the parent that is the "bad cop" with kids and I am the "good cop". I have been using the communication skills in the book "Feeling Good Together." She has called me on the carpet using these techniques. She gets upset because this has been completely out of character for me, a 180. I know that I am feeling stronger and better about myself.

She though talked about our relationship and I was listening, not pressuring, and encouraging her to talk. I also talked of my feelings. She has said on numberous occassions that she she is has to be able to for herself. Today she went further and revealed she needs to be able to forgive herself at how poorly she has treated me over the years. I told her that I know it will not chage her process of self-forgiveness, but I have forgiven her. W also stated I have been a good provider, father and a good person. W was talking around D. I asked her if she was think of that process. Her response was that she is thinking about that. W emotions and her talking points were all over the place. I unfortunately was also emotional. She then talked that she wanted to buy a bottle of wine for us for dinner, but did not want to lead me into thinking things are getting better. Because they are not, stated W.

I need to know is my W on the fence, is she wanting to cut me lose and trying to find ways for me to fail and blame me, does she want to try and is so, so scared she does not know how? I know to detach but I am lost right now. One of her last statements was that she feels like she is hurting me more the longer she is in this "place". I told her that there is no pressure from me. It was probably not good, but I told her that when I married her I ment to love her for eternity. Does anyone have any feedback for me? I am would love to hear from anyone for input? Any and all is appriciated!!

Thank you!

[HopelessInLove]

'She has said on numberous occassions that she needs able to forgive herself.'

This is the way that sentence should read.

I also told her that she needs to make the decision for herself and one that will make her happy.

W- Nothing will make me happy.

[HopelessInLove]

W is showing no signs of talking. She continues with a lot of anger toward me and then takes it out on kids.

I have not contacted W by text, phone calls or any other means during the day for about a week now. I know I am strong but I need to continue.

[HopelessInLove]

This has been a long journey, one that I wish could have been stopped. My wife's bday is tomorrow. I got her a simple card. Something I would give a stranger or someone who I just met. I have been fighting to detach some days good some days bad. I know that I have really gotten to my wife. I have shown myself that I can be independent of her, and inturn she sees it. BUT, it may not be enough. She has said she is angry at me, and has displayed her anger to me and the kids. As my parents continue to point out and I believe it is true, that my W has a lot of guilt. But the truth at this point is that my W may file. She said tonight that she is very unhappy and that the only way to stop her unhappiness is to D. She said she might call her attorney tomorrow. Well what a fitting Bday present to herslf!!

I have made some real strides with W in the past several weeks. I have been seeing my preist for some counseling. I also have been reading the book 'Feelling Good Together." Both the book and the preist have been echoing the same ways to communicate with W. W and I have had some really deep conversations. Everytime we engage in a deep conversation she really opens up to me and allows me into her thoughts and feelings. But later that day or the next day she recoils and does a 180 with anger and "venom"- as she puts it.

The closer I get to W with intellectual intimacy the further away from physical closeness/intimacy. Quit a conundrum?

I am bracing myself right now but just wanted feedback. I know that it has been a while since being on here. Anyone having better DB'ing luck?