Well, if NMMNG dialed you in, then you have a great head start.
Keep working on THOSE things and the confidence and self-respect will really climb.
I'm not sure if there is a thread on Catnip, but (though I haven't tried it and will) Search for that word and see what it brings up.
You keep working on being the right guy for your "next marriage" (regardless of who it will be with) and you are on fire....in a good way!
AWARENESS is half the battle. If you are aware of your tendencies and bad habits, it helps with boundaries; "true to you" actions; and detachment as well as Letting Go!
From where I see you in the forest, you are in great shape.
Remember, you are way ahead of her in the journey, (and if THIS is going to turn out with her coming back), she'll have to catch up. And you will need to lead by example.
Thanks CD, sincerely!
"Ways of a Superior Man" and "N.U.T.s" have been HUGE factors too.
The awareness has given me a calming effect, believe it or not. I keep reading the books, I'm reading NMMNG again right now, but I'm actually going slow and following the "Breaking Free Activities". Don't really have any "Safe" men except a IC that I'm seeing. He's agreed to read the book (lol - I thought that was pretty cool), so he can assist me.
I know I'm on the right path, but it's that tendency to look back or hesitate right now. I see the squirrel and I feel like I can grab it, but I know I shouldn't and its frustrating. It's kind of like, when the squirrel finally comes to my hand, what the hell do I do then? You know? After the posts tonight, I'm safe for awhile, but what if it happens all of a sudden? I know I have some boundaries, but can I NOT screw it up?
Anyway, thank you for your help tonight. I appreciate your feedback. Thanks for throwing me a lamp in this darkened forest.
I had some great people shining flashlights and holding lamps for me. Paying forward, my friend.
I also have Way and NUTS in my drawer. However, though good, I feel that they will need to be re-read AFTER I DO NMMNG exercises.
If I can get rid of THAT mindset, it should free up some space for the new learning in Way and NUTS.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
it's that tendency to look back or hesitate right now. I see the squirrel and I feel like I can grab it, but I know I shouldn't and its frustrating.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
...when the squirrel finally comes to my hand, what the hell do I do then? You know?...what if it happens all of a sudden?
Hey, Faith. You bled these two together and it's TWO separate issues. And you are ignoring the TIME thing.
The first is actually impatience. It's the "fixer" coming out to play. This is a BIG problem; it took a LONG time to happen; it's going to take at least the same amount of time to UNHAPPEN. Also consider that only YOU know the steps required to repair/rebuild a M. She doesn't. Allow extra time for that, too.
Also keep in mind nobody knows how many times "the squirrel" is going to come out and test the situation. How long between tests? All depends on how jittery the squirrel is and HOW CALMING AND PATIENT THE HUMAN IS!!That's all you can control.
So, that answer pretty well eliminatesthe fear in your second point. Let me tell you this. I can quite honestly tell you that she will not ask for reconciliation and "Please let me come home" in August. Highly doubt Septemeber either.
"All of a sudden" doesn't enter into it.
TIME means you can afford to be PATIENT.
Take the squirrel anaolgy seriously.
REALLY! How long- in days and weeks- would you have to sit there all stooped over in a park for a squirrel to eat out of your hand? THAT is what we are talking about.
Now add the complexity of your W's human and quite confused mind?
Now triple it. Close.
Do you have to be perfect? No. But as perfect as you can be. Which means make good use of the time. The more time that goes by (TIME is now your friend!!), the more stable and confident you will be as she gets closer and closer.
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T MOVE.She has to SIT in your hand!!!
And, don't forget, in the first R talk SHE INITIATES that includes "I'm thinking I've made a mistake, etc" YOU KINDLY REFUSE THE OFFER.
The RobX "Soft Rejection".
I'll dig for it. Just can't find it now.
i hope that givesyou an indication of the time factor.
There is no need to feel panic or pressure.
TIME is now on YOUR TEAM!! What would happen if you sneexed on the squirrels 27th attempt? Right. You'd be almost starting over from scratch.
Hey, Faith. You bled these two together and it's TWO separate issues. And you are ignoring the TIME thing.
The first is actually impatience. It's the "fixer" coming out to play. This is a BIG problem; it took a LONG time to happen; it's going to take at least the same amount of time to UNHAPPEN. Also consider that only YOU know the steps required to repair/rebuild a M. She doesn't. Allow extra time for that, too.
Great post CD! Thank you. You got my head back into it. You nailed the "fixer" "impatience" thing, so true.
Okay, I'm good for awhile. If I feel any stupidity entering my head I'll be back.
I liked how you expanded on the Squirrel analogy too. Nice touch. Thanks.
There is some amazing advice on this thread, I just read it start to finish and the progress you have made is admirable. I love the squirrel stuff, now when I see H he will morph into this grey-fluffy thing, might make it easier to see him. Keep up all the great work you are doing on yourself.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
There is some amazing advice on this thread, I just read it start to finish and the progress you have made is admirable. I love the squirrel stuff, now when I see H he will morph into this grey-fluffy thing, might make it easier to see him. Keep up all the great work you are doing on yourself.
Dagny
Hi Dagny,
Thank you Dagny. I'm not out of the woods yet, but thanks to all these great replies it has been a lot easier.
Hahaha, yeah the visual of H/W being a squirrel is kind of calming and funny too. Just remember though to work on GAL, because as you do it will also make it easier to see him. When you know you're doing things for you it will eventually come to the point where you feel, "I'll be alright with or without him". Regardless if you reconcile or not, GAL is priority before and after.
Been lurking here a couple of days. So much good advice, and all around good thoughts. I read DB, what's NMMNG? H left 7/9, today is our 25th anniversary, we have one S 21,left me with all the bills to pay,and house to take care of. I told him I didn't want the house, too much upkeep, and I could do better in an apartment. I didn't tell him that angrily either, just stated the fact, he thought all along I would change my mind. I think he will be somewhat taken aback when he goes to the house and it's all different. I moved Saturday, and it has been better in some ways. New place, he hasn't ever been here, doesn't know where I am etc. Felt right, and still does. Anywho...he calls me about once a week, 3-5 minutes is all, very impersonal. He called last week to tell me he had been to a lawyer was proceeding with that. I mistakenly asked if it was too soon...He did call again on Saturday to see how the move went, but was not really interested I felt. He was also visiting his Mom, once a month trip, and that's the only time he calls on weekends, or evenings. He called from there last visit also, maybe he thinks o f me there, since it's a trip we have made together many times. Or not? Otherwise it's during work.
I like the squirrel analogy also, but I have never been a patient person. I am re-learning so many things! I guess I'm just rambling here. OW, since 5/09, although he denied until about 3 weeks ago, then it was like he couldn't tell enough people that he had her! He did ask S if he wanted to meet her, S was shocked, since H had told him we were having problems with our M. S is almost 22, but says H led him to believe that we would get back together. Oh, the dishonesty! I think that bothers me more than anything. That and him proudly telling all he has a girlfriend, not sure what that means? He is very proud of himself obviously, I say he should wait till the D is final before being too proud. OW is also M, but has in the last week or so separated also. She has a 9 year old D.
When he left, he wouldn't tell me where he was, like I was going to chase him down...LOL. I have since found out that he is living within a mile of OW. And I still haven't chased him down, and won't, too degrading. He told me he needs my address for D, I called post office, they will forward certified letter once, that's all I need. Don't think he needs to know where I am living. He was upset about that. He is still angry at times when he talks to me, like when he doesn't get his way. I have seen him 3 times since he left, and the phone calls were pretty much daily when he left, then have decreased. I think I may be wasting my time, and have really set my mind to making my own plans for the future. I only signed a 6 month lease, and will see where my life is at that time. Want to reconcile? Yes, think it's possible, some times, hope, not much H is very stubborn!
Just sharing, it's all still pretty crazy, but from what I have read, this is going to go on for a very long time. Good thing I have lots of supportive friends, and a very faithful dog and cat:) Thanks for reading, and any suggestions would be helpful and well taken!
Me; 52 H; 54 M 25 S 22 Bomb drop 6/14/2010 S 7/9/10 H filed 9/7
Not stupid = She called a couple times this weekend didn't leave message, so I didn't call back
Today = She called me at work to say she had day off and to let me know that she would go let dogs out for awhile. I said Thanks. End of call. (I was friendly, but didn't open it to conversation)
Anything that she has had to say in the past has been texted. ALWAYS a text. Not getting excited, not mind reading, just observing the Squirrel making a different move. Thought I would post on it since we just discussed this.
Been lurking here a couple of days. So much good advice, and all around good thoughts. I read DB, what's NMMNG? H left 7/9, today is our 25th anniversary, we have one S 21,left me with all the bills to pay,and house to take care of. I told him I didn't want the house, too much upkeep, and I could do better in an apartment. I didn't tell him that angrily either, just stated the fact, he thought all along I would change my mind. I think he will be somewhat taken aback when he goes to the house and it's all different. I moved Saturday, and it has been better in some ways. New place, he hasn't ever been here, doesn't know where I am etc. Felt right, and still does. Anywho...he calls me about once a week, 3-5 minutes is all, very impersonal. He called last week to tell me he had been to a lawyer was proceeding with that. I mistakenly asked if it was too soon...He did call again on Saturday to see how the move went, but was not really interested I felt. He was also visiting his Mom, once a month trip, and that's the only time he calls on weekends, or evenings. He called from there last visit also, maybe he thinks o f me there, since it's a trip we have made together many times. Or not? Otherwise it's during work.
I like the squirrel analogy also, but I have never been a patient person. I am re-learning so many things! I guess I'm just rambling here. OW, since 5/09, although he denied until about 3 weeks ago, then it was like he couldn't tell enough people that he had her! He did ask S if he wanted to meet her, S was shocked, since H had told him we were having problems with our M. S is almost 22, but says H led him to believe that we would get back together. Oh, the dishonesty! I think that bothers me more than anything. That and him proudly telling all he has a girlfriend, not sure what that means? He is very proud of himself obviously, I say he should wait till the D is final before being too proud. OW is also M, but has in the last week or so separated also. She has a 9 year old D.
When he left, he wouldn't tell me where he was, like I was going to chase him down...LOL. I have since found out that he is living within a mile of OW. And I still haven't chased him down, and won't, too degrading. He told me he needs my address for D, I called post office, they will forward certified letter once, that's all I need. Don't think he needs to know where I am living. He was upset about that. He is still angry at times when he talks to me, like when he doesn't get his way. I have seen him 3 times since he left, and the phone calls were pretty much daily when he left, then have decreased. I think I may be wasting my time, and have really set my mind to making my own plans for the future. I only signed a 6 month lease, and will see where my life is at that time. Want to reconcile? Yes, think it's possible, some times, hope, not much H is very stubborn!
Just sharing, it's all still pretty crazy, but from what I have read, this is going to go on for a very long time. Good thing I have lots of supportive friends, and a very faithful dog and cat:) Thanks for reading, and any suggestions would be helpful and well taken!
Hello Babh,
I'm sorry you have to be here. It sucks. I will be happy to throw out some thoughts to you, but you might want to copy and paste your post into a new thread so that everyone can hop on and discuss your situation.
NMMNG is a book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
Alot of us don't have patience as you have probably read. LOL
However, your attitude of not chasing him already has you being ahead in the game. Just focus on YOU and YOUR future. Get this thread out to a seperate post. We need more people on this forum with your attitude.
