I'm going to give my experience as to what worked on me and got my attention. I was the cheater in my marriage by the way. I was full into an affair and "in love".
My wife exposed to everyone. Her family, my family, our friends not the kids though). This didn't immediately stop me but it blew the fantasy off our affair and started me thinking about things that I hadn't really considered, like my kids.
After some initial pursuing, she stopped. She even handed me the cleaning supplies I needed so I could move into one of our rentals. She agreed that this OW was probably my soulmate and dropped the rope. Reality was beginning to set in.
At this point, OW and I decided the affair was wrong, and would hurt innocent children so we broke it off. It was very diificult. I felt like my life and dreams were ending. My grieving process lasted about as long as the affair, which was short as my wife found out fairly early.
I've read that the grieving process lasts about as long as the affair lasts, so you can see the importance of busting the affair as early as possible.
Some things she did to get my feelings back for her - First, she dropped the rope. I wasn't as important as I thought I was. This was a blow to my ego and surprised me.
She didn't wallow in front of me or the kids. Any pain she felt, she did it in private. Once again, a blow to my ego.
She didn't drop the ball with the kids, or her job.
She went out and got some things done. New hairstyle, straightened her hair. New (sexy but classy) wardrobe, shoes, nails done, make up, etc. She was hot, confident and she showed it by her actions and attitude.
She started getting made up and going out on her own. Not recommendibg it, but going dancing, clubbing, some drinking. More wild. She took control of herself and the situation.
At this point it doesn't matter - the affair was busted, my feelings for the other woman are gone - my feelings (my love, the shared history together and all that makes up that history, i.e. kids, memories, time, etc) for my wife won out.
When I realized what I had done, it didn't take courage to admit what was obvious - a screwup of monumental proportions. What I did hit me like a ton of bricks once the fog lifted - and the fact that my wife was moving on without me. I was desperate.
it's nice to know that history played a part in your decision. i wish all wahs would be like you.
thanks again for sharing your story.
i want to believe that history between my h and i is something that is cherished. the fog is dense and thick. it nags, and reminds him how she can't lose him and that's he's all she has. and that they will die one day so he must spend every minute with them.
