My wife told me on March 20th that she no longer loved me and did not feel the same about me anymore. She wants someone to take care of her. A few weeks before she asked me what my priorities were. Now I had no idea what was coming, so I said what first came to mind, the kids. At the time I did not even think of our priorities as being different. I thought we were a team. Now if I tell her things like that I think she just puts it off to my wanting her to stay.
The last time we had a vacation together was 2002. Our last date alone was over a year ago. I have been going to school for the last four years, coaching my boys basketball team, being part of the athletic board, picking kids up from school, doing household chores, (wife works retail), thinking I was a pretty good all around guy, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA.
Pointing this out to her does nothing. She says she has been thinking about this for six months. She would often come home, go to her/our room and get on her blackberry while watching TV. I thought she had just turned 40 and needed some space. If I said something it was usually not in the best way, "Hey nice to see you for ten seconds," or something to that affect is what I would usually choose rather than tell her how it hurt me and the kids to have her so removed. She says she has told no one, talked about it to no one, does not want to see a therapist, a preacher, or any type of counselor. She wanted no one to affect her decision, and she now wants to, "turn to the next chapter in her life".
Begging, Pleading, and blubbering like a fool. All these have been the early mistakes I have made in the attempt to get my just turned 40 last year WAW to stay.
I am keeping up with the good changes I have made. Doing tons of housework (sometimes I think she is testing me because she has dropped to doing nothing), keeping bed made, laundry done, and the whole shebang.
I have recently started to back off due to finding Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough theory and this sight. It is very hard for me though. When I do speak about things I get emotional, which I think makes me look weak in her eyes.
Am I too late folks? I am ravaging through DBing as fast as I can but am unable to read during work, when the kids are around, or when she is around so I have not even come across the 180 section yet. I am emotionally eviscerated, scared, and just plain old heart-broken right now, so any advice would greatly help this husband hoping to show he has indeed undergone and is undergoing a change in order to keep his wife, lover and best friend from slipping away. Thanks so much, Stilltrying68 aka John
ST, Sorry that you find yourself here but there is plenty of support from folks going through the same type of sitch. You will also get some very wise advice to help you through.
Sounds like your wife may be going through a Mid Life Crisis... Backing off and giving her space is the right approach. You can't fix her, she has to do that herself. Detach from actions and do not bring up any relationship talks. If she does, LISTEN and validate, do not defend yourself. Validating does not mean that you're agreeing with her, it means that you understand that she has a right to the way she feels.
Continue to work on yourself for yourself. These changes are for you, not in hopes that she will come back to you. If they are not for you then they will not be permanent and she will see through them as a ploy to win her back.
They are angry and they will spew. There will be grains of truth in that spew. The things that sting are those things that you might want to work on. Look in the mirror and examine yourself. Do you like what you see? Where could you improve?
GALing (Getting A Life) is very important for you. Do things you used to do or always wanted to try. You sound very busy already but it's important to get some you time.
It's good that you're continuing to meet the kid's needs. They need one sane parent at this time.
You're right. Women admire strong, confident men. Take charge of yourself and know that you will get through this and will even be better for it. Realize that you can control nothing but yourself.
W's childhood was as the daughter of divorced parents. Dad very quickly married OW again and is still married to her with seemingly nice family sitch. W contacted him a while ago and has been on and off having visits and trying to reconnect after all this time.
Her Mom was left high and dry and had to get a bit of a kick in the a$$ from family to get motivated. This is all information from my W, so take it for what it is worth. W's Mom went to school and wroked her way into a nice job and has married again. Been married for a while and things are stable. I am very close to her family, but have followed the DB rules and not told them what is going on.
There is some horrible part of me that wants to let everyone know and form some kind of alliance aimed at winning her back, but I know that is Disney filmish, if not outright sick.
Anyway, that is her background. Thanks a bunch for the reply.
Bad relationship with Dad after D. He basically left and started a new family. She did not talk to him for approx. 24 years.
Lived with her Mom, but some of the things they went through: psycho boyfriends, being broke, general instability, I think are still things she has not completely unloaded.
Bad last night. Anniversary of dday or her anouncement of her no longer loving me/feeling the same about me. Daughter rented studip Valentines Day movie. I have been good last couple weeks about hands off, but she kind of put her arm around me and later asked for a hug that turned into embrace. Started getting a bit much and she kind of let me know she was getting uneasy.
So damn hard when you think it might be some significant moment to stay cold and act "as if". Anyway disappointed I did not stay strong. Damn Shirley McClain and guy talking about loving the best and worst parts of people and being married for a long time. Note to self Horror movies and ultra violent action flicks only henceforth.
At the top of the MLC board there are resources. Lots of good stuff in there. If you haven't, make time to go over there and do some reading. See if any of the information resonates with you about your W and her actions.
You will also get more traffic on that board to help you along the way.
Wish I was puter savvy enough to link them for you. Sorry.
nd her sister moved out with their Mom when she was 4 years old.
Will do on the MLC. Many people are telling me that it is a version of some midlife trauma. I just do not know. Last night my daughter had her eighth grade grad dance. Supposed to be good time full of lasting memories, and it was [censored]. I should say...I allowed it to be a bad experience for me because I could not focus on her good time and W actually started talking about Summer plans for when we were apart and kids had activities.
Thanks a bunch, ST
All the work to get her to the point of a little independence and free up some Mom and Dad time for the future seems to mean nothing now.
