I'm sorry, I know this is a no no but I've been away so long, I wanted to post this in the right place and wound up second guessing myself and thinking I should have put it here... so I'm double posting. I apologize.
I really need help guys. My heart aches - as I know most of yours do.
Hi all. I’m an old DBer who finds herself back in the saddle again. I know I felt this way before, but the pain is still fresh and I just feel like maybe this time it won’t work.
Briefly, Dating DH since 1998, married in 2002, he had an EA around 2003 which was a result of stresses we were experiencing around then. I DB’d my butt off and he came back around, the aliens dropped my DH back off where I had last seen him and all was well. Then his son moved in with us, due to abuse in his mother’s house (stepdad) and things got more complicated. A few years passed and we seemed to be back on track and having good times and bad, but I wasn’t spending much time worrying about it since we had so much going on. One day the two remaining children were involved in an abuse situation and we wound up with a court battle, and a week to find a home. The DA told him he could have his children if he had a suitable home for them. We agreed, took custody, and bought a house all in one week’s time. And then things got really complicated.
I won’t bore you all but suffice it to say that my car broke down, we were unable to fix it and since we work together, it became the norm for us to carpool. Then at night, he would go off with the kids to do activities or to his karate class or to work on the house we had kept as a rental and leave me alone to care for the house. I began to feel depressed and trapped and also to feel like a bad stepmother. I tried harder, getting up early to make breakfast for everyone, packing lunches for the kids, trying to maintain a clean house, and being ready to leave for work an hour early to go with him for his start time. I felt neglected and taken advantage of. Like an idiot, I did what doesn’t work, I complained. That got nothing so I complained again. That got nothing so I stewed. Then I blew up and yelled. Then stewed, and on and on until this kind but not talkative man finally blew up at me last week and said he couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve said things that have hurt him like I don’t know if our marriage can take any more and when do you think we’ll be divorced by. I so regret saying those things, it was so dysfunctional. I guess I didn’t feel as if he would listen to me unless I made it drastic. So, here I am and he wants to talk on Friday and I’m sure he wants a divorce. I don’t and now I’m beginning all over again.
What do I do guys? Help me get back on track. I went out last night and looked into a karate class as I’ve always wanted to take it and my DH is an instructor but never found time to teach me. I didn’t tell him that’s where I went and he didn’t ask. I dropped out of school with only three classes left to finish my undergraduate degree in order to care for his children and I wish I could go back. On top if it all, we’re dieting for a contest at work, he’s not eating well or exercising and is staying up late at nights, and I know he’s depressed – and the kid’s mom is moving 20 hours away and is talking to them behind our backs to try to get them to move with her, all of which is adding to the stress like crazy.
Questions I have… I’m about to set my goals, haven’t gotten them done yet, but in the meantime since he seems tob e in a hurry to say what I believe will be that he wants a D – do I avoid R talk at all costs? Do I do things with him? I thought some time alone would be good, but parent of our problem is never spending quality time alone and having fun. Problem is that he’s so down when we’re together that I’m not so sure that being with me will be good or not? For instance, we’re supposed to go off roading in his Jeep this Saturday and to see a friend to watch movies on Friday and to see my Mom for dinner on Saturday, but all of those things I wonder if I would be better off doing with him or separating and letting him miss me. One one hand, it’s a chance to have fun and laugh and on the other, he’s not missing me if I’m there with him. How could a veteran be so deep in this hole again? I’m so dumb. For his part, he knows about DBing although he’s never read it. He doesn’t believe that we are the same as everyone else, although if you had asked him two years ago, he would have said it works. Now in the depths of his despair and pain, he’s refusing to believe that we can ever get the love back. He’s adamant that “we’re different” somehow. I backed off and am not talking about or R any more, other than to say that I want some time before he makes any decisions and to make it clear that I want to remain married. No ILYs or physical touch from him and I’m not pursuing. Trying to remain cheerful, but I may have shot myself in the foot as I told him once that even when I’m smiling, it’s an act and now he may not believe me when I seem to be having a good time.
For right now, I just think you need to RELAX. Have the conversation with your husband, and LISTEN to him, and commit to NOTHING. Just listen and validate.
Then come back here and we can help you with more targeted advice.
I wish I had more time to give this post and I will if no one else responds but I would start by saying stay positive.
Set your goals, enjoy your weekend with your DH whether or not he believes you had a good time, have a good time. Offer positive solutions, affirm his feelings but do not add to negativity. Sounds to me like the amount of stress and change has contributed to forgetting about each other. Change your attitude, I would not go dark at this point nor would I distance because that seems to be the problem.
Find the balance, and keep things as light as possible, read the book again if you haven't and based on my faith I always recommend bringing this before God and asking for strength and clairity. As hard as it is control your emotions do not let them control you. Do what you can to turn the negative flow at home around (180). I know it is hard but do not worry or be anxious for anything, find peace, focus on your 180's and change and address your issues. While doing that be supportive of the family to the extent you can. Minimize or stay out of relationship talks from your end but certainly you can validate your DH's feelings. When something doomy or gloomy comes at you hit it with a positive spin.
You can do this you can succeed again, regardless you will be committed to doing all you can and give the rest to God. Peace and Prosperity to you and your family!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Well, DH has agreed to go to Retrouvaille. He's VERY closed off, VERY angry, HUGE wall up. He doesn't think it will work, but I know him well enough to know if we can just break down the wall and communicate, it may just work for us. Say prayers everyone, we go on 4/16.
He's still not touching me, barely can look at me. I started to GAL but then his car broke down and we're back to sharing again, which from my side is part of why we are where we are now. (no space, always together and relying on each other... but never spending any time together - if that makes sense? It was always ride to work together, ride home together (we work together) take the kids to their appointments, and on and on and on... no quality time, no love, no attention to the M) Yeah, I let love die, I knew better but didn't pay attention and did complain and never saw results from my complaining *DUH* and now have this huge wall to overcome.
I just love him so much and we are so good together. Please, everyone pray for me and send any ideas my way.
BTW he has actually stated "I have a huge wall up right now and you are not getting through." Babysteps are that once he did give me a hug and kiss, and I asked him to stop being mean to me (his wall included ignoring me when I spoke to him) and he stopped that and now includes me in his conversations... and of course, he did agree to go to Retrouvaille with me...
He also wants to know what happens if it doesn't help. I don't know what to say to that.
