Hi, do nothing, do not contact her at all. Let her say whatever she would like about you not being a gentleman...just ignore it.
I have been where you are. the only reason I talked to H during that time was if there was an emergency with our children. I would not call him for anything else! If I needed someone or something I had friends and family I could count on. I even had a friend I would call everytime I wanted to contact H.
The LRT worked for me. H told me two days after we had been in court for our D that he wanted to stay married. that was 6/07. our marriage is much better for it, he is a much better father and he was in MLC to a tee!!
Hi, do nothing, do not contact her at all. Let her say whatever she would like about you not being a gentleman...just ignore it.
I have been where you are. the only reason I talked to H during that time was if there was an emergency with our children. I would not call him for anything else! If I needed someone or something I had friends and family I could count on. I even had a friend I would call everytime I wanted to contact H.
The LRT worked for me. H told me two days after we had been in court for our D that he wanted to stay married. that was 6/07. our marriage is much better for it, he is a much better father and he was in MLC to a tee!!
Take care of you!
Nice to hear a success story. Ill keep doing what Ive been doing. The emotional roller coaster is one tough ride and I know I have a long way to go before I can get off. Sometimes I feel like im nuts because I still love my W after going feeling the way I do some nights.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
I see. She usually brings up the R stuff, especially things she is going to do in the future. Its like a kick in the gut each time she talks about herself alone without me. Despite that, I still love her and would like to create a new relationship with her. That said, I am trying to move on, doing more things with friends, looking at moving to another city, etc. If she brings up the D or R, Ill kindly ask her if we can just talk about something else. Thats if she ever calls me, I dont want to call her, she may think im still being needy.
you sound very needy and very insecure, and it's extremely unattractive to your wife.
Now that im doing this technique, what do I tell her if she says that she is glad im moving on with my life? Do I agree, say I still dont want to get a divorce, or say nothing?
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I have decided that this is best for me."
You agree with her wholeheartedly, counter intuitive but this is what's necessary.
You agree with the divorce, you agree that there is no hope for the relationship, and you do it with a big smile on your face.
You remember that you have a pair in your crotch area, you remember that you're a man, and a strong man.
Appearing weak, needy, clingy, insecure, ("is it ok if I ask you a question?"), all of those things just re-inforce in her mind that you aren't the right man for her, she wants someone stronger, secure, confident - when is the last time you projected any of these qualities when you were around her.
I get it, you feel weak, lost, insecure, you want to be loved and she ain't loving you anymore.
She has all the power and you're just a spectator while she runs the show - do you feel that yet? Be honest.
How do you reclaim some of this power? How do you turn this around?
Start doing the opposite of everything you've been doing because up to this point, whatever you've been doing hasn't been working.
Again, counter-intuitive but it should be intuitive, stop doing what doesn't work, that at least will get you moving forward in the right direction again.
As for LRT and what to say... you still don't get it.
You think a few words mentioned here or there with your wife is going to spark her interest.
This isn't about verbal communication, it's about body language and the body language you are communicating to her is that you are weak, insecure, low value, etc.
When are you going to start doing things that communicate the opposite? When are you going to start believing in yourself?
The biggest thing that kills attraction is when you have a NEED for your wife's validation, ie. "What to say to her?" You don't get it, you don't have to say anything, you communicate via body language that you're ok.
You are sitting around waiting for some magic spell to make your wife love you, laugh at your jokes, make love to you again, call you repeatedly and give you tons of attention, etc. etc. etc. If she did any of these things you would feel great!!! Let me ask you then, why can't you feel great if she doesn't do these things - why do you need her to make you feel good about yourself?
She's in a bad mood, or she isn't talking to you, or she isn't giving you sex, she's talking about her new single life, maybe she's talking about other men, having sex with other men, not sleeping with you and it makes you feel insecure. Do you see this? Why are all of these things triggering your insecurity? This is what killed the attraction, it's so important for you to get this and know it.
I haven't read your entire thread yet, has she been unfaithful, did she have an EA/PA?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you getting a life- doing things that you enjoy? Make you feel good?
You do these things for yourself- to be the best you that you can be. It might just happen that she will also see someone attractive and strong that she would enjoy being with again.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you getting a life- doing things that you enjoy? Make you feel good?
You do these things for yourself- to be the best you that you can be. It might just happen that she will also see someone attractive and strong that she would enjoy being with again.
I am back in college after 10 years, so its taking up the majority of my time. I do things with friends also. I read the DR book, good read. I enjoy working on house projects, so I plan on doing some this weekend. I also enjoy playing my xbox 360, but I havent played that since the bomb was dropped. For some reason, I dont have the urge to play.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
Funny that you mentioned XBOX. I play now more than ever. It gives me something to do when home - you can't go out all the time! I'm almost 41 and I play online complete with headset and microphone. Nothing like showing your wife that you can have fun in your own home and with a total stranger. Turn the volume up on the tv and on yourself. Laugh - yell - cheer whatever!
I haven't read your entire thread yet, has she been unfaithful, did she have an EA/PA?
No EA/PA, but many will argue I dont really know unless I hire a PI. As for being insecure and needy, I admit, I hate being alone. If nothing else, this separation is allowing me to deal with these issues. Regarding showing body language, its hard to do that when I never see her. Great points by everyone, I know I need to show that I can be on my own, that I dont need her to make me happy. Its hard though, I know its a process that takes time. Last night I was on the bottom of the emotional roller coaster, tonight Im on top and feel good. Ive been trying to go out as much as possible, hang out with friends, which is one of the issues Ive had. I did almost everything with my W.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
she told you to move on. she does not want you asking her how her week went. respect her request. your friend who is acting as the in between, perchance female?
So I shouldnt try to be on good terms with her?
absolutely. why would you want to be on bad terms with a woman?
you asked, "Last resort technique, what to say?" You say nothing. You dont give any ultimatums; dont make any grandious statements that you are through and done. thats stupid. You just move on with your life leaving them wondering what you are doing. thats what you want right? you want her wondering about you, thinking about you, wanting you. she is not going to want you if you are in her face all the time after she told you to get lost.
Your wife told you to let go, to move on. respect her request. your wife has said somethings that are very much in line with a woman that has her heart set on someone else. And though you do not want to believe it and have no proof yet, you have to understand the possibility is there. Most woman do not jump in the sack right away with the co-worker who helps them with the copier machine or sits with them at lunch. But over time, the lunch conversations and help with projects, the text messages and the ineuendos, a fantasy builds; then they go home and there husband does everything wrong, argues, sits on the couch doing nothing, doesnt listen to them, gets off and neglects their orgasm, etc. Until this fantasy becomes more and more attractive and they want what they cant have; and maybe they dont have it in their heart to cheat so they tell their husband to move on let go. because that is what they have done.
So what do you do after they have left you? take 30 - 45 days to yourself. let her contact you when she needs to and when she does dont remind her about the situation or how you feel. listen to her; leave her wondering about how great you are doing without her. key is to leave her wondering about you. cause she cant have you anymore. she did and maybe she likes a little bit of what she has lost. everybody wants some, right? but you have moved on and are doing great.
