Newcomer here...I suppose with time I will learn all of the abbreviations, etc.
A little background-military family, married 14 years, one D (13) left at home. My 24 y/o daughter (step for H) recently moved back in with her child. Recent transfer, 2 years of he!! trying to sell a home...fast forward to now.
I think at times I am a WAW...of course I had never heard that term until yesterday. For the last few years I have felt so overwhelmed with the life we created because as a military spouse it has always been up to me to take care of everything. I worked a full time job, took care of the house, the kids the bills, etc all he had to do was his career. I got pretty good at juggling everything but in the process lost any zest for life, it was all just one challenge after another. I tried to talk to my H about how I was feeling but it was always like he had "checked out" the minute I opened my mouth. I never had a chance to drive him away because he was already gone...that is why in many ways that as much as I want to believe in DB it's pretty tough right now...however, this is the 3rd marriage for both of us and I did not go into this only to have it fail again. SOmewhere along the way we lost each other...seems I know the hows and whys, I just don't know how to get it back. I told him at one point that I felt we were on different planes, more like bother/sister than husband/wife and I thought I wanted out. He asked me to stay, told me he loved me and that we would work it out...thing is I had never heard of DB or DR...maybe if I had it would have made a difference back then. We did nothing when I look back...just lived the same old life we had been living. No movies, no dinners, no talking...nothing, period, nada.
He transferred, went to live in another state and complained all the time that we weren't there. I finally rented the home on a temporary basis and moved to the new DS and into a camper so that we could manage financially. After many months of this and the renters moving out I made the difficult decision to just let the house go to foreclosure but while that process worked to keep it on the market. So anyway, we finally sell the house, about a month ago (short sale)...that was my responsibility, he never offered help, input, suggestions or even a shoulder to cry on when it got tough. I felt like a complete and utter failure to my family. We moved into base housing which was not the ideal solution but at least we were out of the camper. It soon hit me that I could rent something much nicer for around the same amount of money and then maybe we would all be a little happier and H and I could actually start to repair our marriage. Joke was on me...we found a great home...exactly what we would both want and then I got the ILYB...I completely understood because that it exactly how I felt and thought we should call it quits...halt the home rental, seperate and begin to move on with our lives. H said no, let's try...just not sure he was ready to give up yet. We had barely moved in...days I am talking and he says it's not going to work and he is here for convenience. I asked him to leave. He has been gone for 2 weeks now and I don't think I have ever missed him more. I thought it was over in my head...not that I ever wanted to to be, I just wanted different and it seemed the more I wanted it, the more it stayed the same. I have spent the last 2 weeks questioning my sanity...for so long I have questioned my love for this man and he leaves and suddenly the realization hits me that I love this man so much and at the same time want to be by myself. How did he transition from I love you, let's work it out to ILYB in a mtter of days. Yesterday whiel googling on this I ran across an article on this book and immediately went out an purchased it. It's like Michele has been living in my home...what a wake up call. As I said, I always knew I did not want to get a divorce, I just felt like there was nothing else I could do. This book, these stories here have given me hope but my H is no where near the possibility that this can be worked out. He is gone now and in my mind it means that I can hope all day long but I am wasting my time. He says he wasn't happy but can't tell me what made him unhappy...how can you fix something when you don't know what the something is. I have been calling and communicatimg with him way too much I realize after reading this book cover to cover yesterday and as of today will try the 180 but I have a problem with patience and I feel like I have been waiting for happiness in my marriage for years and I don't know how long I can hang on...I am so torn between letting go and not giving up...regardless, there are some issues there and I feel like if those things don't change that any attempt at R won't matter. Today I suppose I have hope...any encouragement or advice from those in the "know" may help to keep it alive...HELP!!!
First, Sorry you are in your sitch, but you found a great place for support.
This is a great opportunity for personal growth (if you choose to take it).
I assume you want M to work. You have all the power to change the R (without needing to "TALK" about it with H. You have full control of your thoughts, words and actions. Change your thoughts, words and actions and you change your relationship. It is that simple. Become the woman you have always dreamed of. Surprise H during every encounter. Behave unexpected. Project happiness, confidence and sex appeal.
Love is a choice. Love = Patience and kindness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgive others and yourself for past hurts. Focus on NOW. Do not fear the future.
DO NOT CHASE H. Draw him back by changes in your behavior. Be very cognoscente of his reactions to you. Stop doing anything that pushes him farther down the D path. Continue doing things that show him what he will be missing if he leaves you....Be more attractive than his "Fantasy women".....
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi, I wanted to extend a welcome and say that I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I also wanted to bump your post up for some of the more experienced DB folk to comment.
I remember about a year ago, I thought about ending my marriage. I had fallen "out of love" and was pretty unhappy. One day, I looked at my H and fell back into love... funny how that happens - and now I find myself here wondering what I could have done. But, the important thing to remember is that the past is just that - past. Focus on yourself and look towards the future. I re-read parts of the DR book almost everyday and reading people's posts here gives me hope and a realization that I'm not alone. I wish you well!
HIW
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Thank you for your words of encouragement...was having a pretty decent day and then my daughter (13) mentioned a conversation she had with her dad today when he picked her up to take her to the school to get her schedule. She was with him last weekend and evidently asked him if she was going to get a stepmom or start using the phrase "my dads girlfriend", he apparently answered in the negative. The funny thing is that when he brought her back home last Sunday he told me he intended to start seeing other women...course my first thought is that he has been seeing someone all along but I would know if he was, I did when he cheated on me 5 years ago...so I don't think he has been seeing anyone, suppose I could be wrong...anyway, my daughter has a bad habit of eavesdropping and while locked in my room Sunday night was talking to a friend about H's revealation...fast forward to today and D goes and tells her dad he lied to her...told him why and his response was "Oh".
Thing is...I told myself last week after this revelation that we are seperated and that this is the path he has to travel...just because I am not there doesn't mean he isn't and while I am not okay with it, I have to accept it...also realize this leads us closer to D since that is the way things like this typically play out...of course I never thought about how it would affect our daughter until today...I never even realized she was thinking about it...now my earlier resolve is gone right out the window and I am just a boo baby all over again.
Before H left I was on a path of self discovery & change...started dieting to get rid of those few extra pounds that found there way onto my hips...It has finally paid off...though him leaving may have also tipped the scale a bit as well...I want to get back to me but it really has nothing to do with him...I've spent way too many years making sure everyone else is happy and neglected what makes me happy...I'm there, it is just in the process I figured out I wanted him there with me...him not being isn't going to change what I know I need to change about myself...for myself...but I have realized that this new direction is going to be terribly lonely without him...
Thanks hopeinwaiting...reading DR and now DB does give me hope. I know I don't want it to end and so "changes" changing the status quo between us would be a bonus but it isn't necessarily my main goal...I can't go back to the way it was...it is too hard to remember the happy times because they are overshadowed by the lonely, unhappy times...the missed moments and I have realized that it wasn't his responsibility to make me happy, it was, is and always will be mine...I should have done more...maybe touched that arm, or cheek...not held onto anger for so long...there are many things...it doesn't matter what his actions/reactions were...it was up to me to not let that control mine but I did and so here is where I am and I have to now take responsibility for my happiness because even if there is a R in the future we will only travel down the same path again if I am not happy with myself and vice versa. I hope, I pray but I am learning very quickly not to let it control my life, I guess in part because I understand where he is in some ways...just not all ways...we made a promise, I don't intend to break it just yet.
I thank you again and "hope" right along side you.
Last edited by Annieg; 08/14/0902:28 AM. Reason: spelling
So far, so good...had a little surgery recently and also had a trip out of town for work...just been keeping busy.
Funny thing Sunday...H called and wanted to meet with me on yesterday...I really didn't want to...just figured it would be the same old conversation again. BUT had a IC appointment yesterday and boy was she rough on me...told I decide how a conversation is going to turn out before it happens and then I subconciously make sure that is exactly how it turns out...I just kind of looked at her dumbstruck and then realized that she was right so I decided to meet with H and just let him do the talking and respond where necessary. His first question..."you aren't ready for me to come home are you?"...I wasn't sure how to answer that since he was the one who left it's just that once he did leave I also realized I needed it as much as he did so I told him that part of me wanted him to however a larger part of me was not ready since we haven't really resolved some of the issues that brought us to this point in the first place. We both admitTed to each other that we aren't very comfy around each other right now. Beyond that he also admiteed that even though he has been saying it is over he just really hasn't been sure...I do not know what all of this may mean to the relationship because I am still a bit confused myself...I know I love him and want him in my life as my husband, I just don't want the kind of relationship we have had for the last few years and I am afraid it will be too easy to slip back into that and a lot harder not to...what do I do??? He did ask me out on a date for Friday night...that was a big WOW...The one rule was we are not going to talk about our sitch...I did say yes after some thought but I am sooooo nervous and doubt's are kicking in...feeling a little pressure I guess and after racking my brain to figure out what we could do (he asked me to decide) that would be fun but also low pressure I remembered how much we both love comedy shows. We haven't been to one in years so I reserved seats at one. We'll see how it goes but first I need to read DB again...need a little DB mojo I guess.
Thanks for asking...take care and let me know how things are in your world.
How cool to find my old posts here...boy do I remember how all of that felt...I jumped ship way too soon since I am here again.
It's been an eventful 4 years...In June of 2010 I finally got to see my hubby with the OW for the first time...it was what I finally needed to make me live all of the good advice I found here. He asked the OW to marry him and I filed for divorce.
He went on terminal leave in preparation for retirement in November 2010 and informed me that he was moving to another state and in with his new fiancé. It hurt, but what can you do...I wished him luck.
In December of 2010 he decided that he wanted to move back to where we lived, not in the home with me but back into the camper and asked if we could work things out.
We took about 13 months, no counseling (BIG MISTAKE) but things were great, I didn't think we needed counseling. I did not take his affair personally after awhile and we did openly discuss it...I felt I got everything I needed and moved on from it.
We remarried in February of 2012 and separated in April of 2013 after I found out he was talking to another girl online...an EA...boy did I get pissed...I asked him not to come home (he was on travel and due back the next day) because I needed to process before we talked. I asked my daughter if he could stay there a few days.
Of course it's been the same old, same old for the last few months. He recently slept with someone and the day after informed me he wanted a divorce. We keep talking about separation agreements and I did hire an attorney again. We have agreed on a few things but he is always too busy to actually sign off on anything. He says he does not want a divorce but a separation.
Our financial picture is not pretty...we went through a divorce already...it was devastating and lead to bankruptcy for both of us. I want to leave and move to a different state but every time I do something more financial happens. I did finally get it together but when I started applying for apts. I got turned down due to bankruptcy.
Hubby wants me to stay here in the house with him but live separate lives...from a practical standpoint it makes sense...from an emotional standpoint...things have just been terrible...I can barely even tolerate looking at him right now (though-fool that I am still love him)...
It would be the best thing...I just don't know where to start emotionally if we end up sharing a home...any advice appreciated.
Is there a compilation of posts anywhere dealing with living with your WAS when you want to be anywhere but???? Suggestions/experience on how some of you that may be dealing with now could provide...anything???
There are plenty of people here who continue living with a WAS, but you just have to start reading through threads to see which ones apply to your sitch. I've got to say that if he's already gone and just wants to move back for financial reasons and has no interest in reconciling, there is no way I'd let him back in. But that's your call, and if your financial situation is that dire then it's up to you.
Thanks...I suppose to add a little more detail...he says primary is financial and in many ways it is for me as well. I lost my job last year and have been unable to find anything permanent since. Even with the retirement I receive from him after the first divorce it isn't enough to sustain my daughter and I. It is what it is.
Can't remember if I mentioned that hubby also got a DWI recently which if convicted could affect his job...gotta do the right thing sometimes even if it hurts...
He also says that he hopes that somehow something changes between us...I could make a few sarcastic remarks here because I am still very much in my own angry stage not just at him but at myself but it's really not worth validating it anymore than I have right now...another it is what it is.
I guess my primary frustration at this point lies in a discussion we recently had about expectations of the other if we are going to be living under the same roof. We have a 17 y/o D who has been impacted negatively by our garbage in the past and I would prefer things be as peaceful as possible.
I have past experience (forgiven, not forgotten) what it means when the man I am married to says "I do love you in some ways but I am just mad at you right now, just give it time, no, there's no one else, can I just have some privacy?"
Those truths always came out...long after I quit looking...
What is frustrating is that he has made it perfectly clear that he has no intention of working on even basic principles of trust but does not seem to accept that I accept it and I really don't need him rubbing my nose in his desire for "privacy", he should just STFU and do what he is going to and stop acting like I have a say in the matter...like I ever did... I also don't feel the need to hear the BS like I did today when he stopped by to pick up a few things...all smiley "cause he is happy to see me"...yeah sure especially since he just got back from a "secret" weekend get away...UGHHHH!!!!
I really don't have the patience for the "pick me dance" whether I love him or not...detaching seems a little tougher under the circumstances cause I just want to slap his silly you know what...I have no interest in reconciling with him at this point...after all the emotional BS of the last few months I don't even know if it's worth it anymore but I am trying to consider that I may be feeling that way because of the negativity right now...Thanks for responding.
