I have a thread posted also in newcomers but wanted some specific advice for DB-ing techniques when the separated spouse is still living at home, which makes it a more unique situation.
First of all, H is clearly in MLC and exhibits so many of the wacky behaviors. I have been trying to give him "space" as much as I can under the same roof - he stays in the basement. I try not to be in the same room as him (unless I am there first) and try not to talk much unless he initiates, I pretty much never call him when he is out, I try my very best not to ask about his whereabouts and who is with. I don't plan anything around him and his plans because frankly he doesn't usually tell me anything going on.
Any other suggestions? Also, any other ideas on how to detach? It KILLS me that he doesn't want to tell me much of anything, is so secretive, and obviously doesn't want me to ask.
The kids are always asking things like when daddy will be home and I am tired of that question - I have started just answering "I don't know, he didn't tell me."
Any advice/suggestions would be welcome! Thanks. Do you think he even notices?????
No suggestions, but many thanks for posting this. I'm interested in the feedback you get on this post as my sitch is similar. Good luck and I look forward to the feedback you get.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Well, when I saw the title the word that came to mind is DETACH! How is a different trick altogether, of course. It sounds to me like you are on the right track, as far as he is concerned.
I think the real key is to get on the right track as far as you are concerned. Move the focus from what you do with respect to him to what you are doing for you. GAL. Don't let it kill you that he doesn't want to tell you anything, as long as that's happening you haven't detached.
Right now it isn't important (in my opinion) if he is noticing anything. You need to take care of yourself, the important person to notice is you!
When I have a chance I will read you other posts, and see if I have any other ideas.
Thanks for the advice. I know the times I am able to detach better I feel better. I tend to get in modes when I want to over-analzye everything, every little "clue" or thing he says (not that I believe a lot of it now). Now I know that is DEFINITELY not detaching.:)
I was overly anxious this morning (and even threw up a couple times) due to trying to analyze and figure out psycho behavior from last night - so not good. I have already lost over 20 pounds on the MLC diet - and I couldn't afford that much so can't afford more!
One thing I have noticed is the longer I go without calling him, the less I "need" to call him.
Another question for anyone with advice on the situation - how much do I acknowledge his presence in the house? I am trying to be calm, normal, appear happy, etc. and not follow him around and trying not to really initiate conversation (except to maybe ask how his day was - or should I not do that?).
I am in the same boat as you asking the same question awhile back. I have decided to model the relationship that I would like to have, but also mirroring my H's moods. If he is in a good mood & has partaken in or initiated conversation earlier in the evening, I might tell him a funny story about something the kids did that day, or ask him if he heard about XYZ on the news (something interesting). Lighthearted conversation.
When H comes in the door, I very cheerfully greet him. No physical touch, but Hey! How are you? then I have family dinner ready for him once he changes. I can, at that time, ask him about his day.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Don't try to analyze his words or his actions! From everything I've read and seen he's not putting thought into them, so trying to see any deeper meaning in them is a waste of your energy! If you could ask him about something he said yeasterday (AND DON'T DO IT!!!!!!), he probably wouldn't even remember saying it, let alone know any deeper meaning!
Good news, you can see that you feel better when you are more detached! That's some good motivation.
I think that you should be polite to him, but nothing more. I think I would go with, "Hi!", and continue on your way, rather than, "Hi, how was your day?", and wait for his response. If he wants to tell you something, he will. And if that happens, listen a lot, and keep your mouth shut!
I could be wrong, and what I did didn't "work" (though I don't think MLC was a big part of my sitch), but I think detaching and GAL are still very real keys.
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 06/08/0906:20 PM.
Thank you both for your responses. I will try that. You're right, VH, it does seem a lot like he doesn't really remember what he says. Then again I don't believe a lot of it anyway.
It's hard to not ask how his day was, etc. because I still care about him but I guess that is not what he wants right now - wants space - so maybe this will help.
I'm not very good at posting but will try to help.
When my SO was going through MLC we lived in the same house and it is very hard. There were times I thought it would be easier to live apart and even though he would scream at me to get out I refused to leave. He was in MLC for over three years and is just now starting to come out of it. There was a time when we didn't even speak when we got home from work or eat together. We also ended up in completely different rooms on opposite sides of the house, with one of us going in the front door and the other out the back anytime we left. At first I follwed him all around the house and kept trying to get him to talk but after a while I just left him alone.
I had the hardest time not asking what he was doing or where he was going and then when he was gone not calling. Everytime I did he either didn't answer the phone or was so defensive I regretted calling. Like you I lost a lot of weight because of the stress.
I detached by GAL and making a list of home projects I wanted to do so I could concentrate on them. We didn't have small children at home so I made myself renew some friends that I had lost contact with, bought some new clothes and even signed up for a dance class.
