W is having Affair -- may leave soon -- thread 2

[karen43]

Thanks for all your replies. If I pack her bags, I highly doubt she will be returning.

It sounds like she's almost out the door. She's pushing you to do something. Sitting back and doing nothing, she will not have respect for you imo.

I'm thinking what would Jesus do in this situation?

I do this too! What does the Bible say about adultery? If that's your way of deciding, I think Jesus would have thrown her stuff out on the grass. Adultery isn't looked upon favorably in the Bible, you know.

I know that she was very insecure growing up and that she is still somewhat insecure as an adult. The OM is giving her the attn and "love" that I was not unfortunately.

Barf, barf, barf. Poor WAS was insecure as a child and a little bit now. That prob. describes about 99% of us LBS here. And did we have to have As to bolster our security. Puh-lease! You need to stop blaming yourself. No one here and no married person is perfect. We all get busy and don't show as much love as we should. Karen

[RustyShackleford]

I'm thinking what would Jesus do in this situation?

Here's a reality: Jesus taught forgiveness, right? And it is possible to have forgiveness (of the infidelity) without reconciliation (of the marriage). Understand that. Believe it.

Listen, I did the whole "textbook" DB thing, posting several thousand times under a different name on this board. And although I believe in the DB theory, there are cases where one needs to deviate a bit, for the benefit of the LBS. This is one.

"Back in the day," my self-esteem was so low that I stood back and "watched." In hindsight, it was the exact opposite of what I should have done. I have since rebuilt myself, and I know that I will survive whatever comes my way. Believe this yourself, and if you can't, then get professional help that will assist you in getting to where you need to be. I did, and it worked for me.

I don't want to argue or give her the silent treatment when she returns -- I believe that will make her very uncomfortable.

"Silent treatment" is passive-aggressive. WIMPY and unattractive.

I know that she was very insecure growing up and that she is still somewhat insecure as an adult. The OM is giving her the attn and "love" that I was not unfortunately. She believes that I do not really love her. She asked me on a number of occasions if I really love her and at the end of MAR09 asked me if she was the love of her life. The answer: yes, yes, and absolutely yes. The problem was that I had difficulties showing this. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. Thanks again.

OK, if this is the case, then don't love her any more. Begin to see yourself as "too good" for a cheater like her. Not arrogant; just confident and distant. And you know what? You ARE too good for her. She doesn't really deserve a faithful man like you. She deserves a worm like OM. Believe it, and act it. This is GAL, the the most difficult part of DBing.

What worked for me? The church. I am Catholic, and I began attending daily (morning) Mass whenever I could. I also joined a couple of groups affiliated with my parish. These things significantly extended my circle of friends, and it expanded and increased in both quantity and quality.

Oh, just to clarify, in the paragraph above, the use of the word "worked" refers not the salvation of the marriage.

It saved me.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Thanks for the info. It sounds like you've been through a lot.

You wrote that in your opinion might be a case in which I should deviate a bit. What do you mean by that?

I am talking to a DB coach and I will also be reaching out to other Christian marriage coaches for other suggestions to help "me" and "us".

For the most part, I believe in DBing, but I believe that my W might be a little different from the avg WAS. I am still totally surprised about her going away for the weekend. I don't know if this was a test, or because he asked her and she was swept off her feet (didn't want to say no to "ruin" a good thing), or if she wanted to truly have a good time with him. Before she left, she told me that she wanted some space and some time to "think about things". I don't know what to believe. Except for the baseball game, I have no idea what they did.

I'm trying to work on myself...little by little. I know I have to get better than that. I don't want to give up on her either. I promised myself when I got married (and also promised her) that I would NEVER give up on us.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am still totally surprised about her going away for the weekend. I don't know if this was a test, or because he asked her and she was swept off her feet (didn't want to say no to "ruin" a good thing), or if she wanted to truly have a good time with him.

In my opinion, it was a HUGE test, and she was basically looking for your "permission" for her to have an affair -- a control thing, whereby she was testing you and saying "I can do this, and you can't stop me."

And you gave it to her.

Puppy

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Saving,

She wants to know if you love her? Well show her you do by absolutely NOT tolerating this. How can you love her and know she's out with OM?? I couldn't do that. I told my W that if she went through with D that it would be the absolute end of any relationship between us b/c I loved her too much to see her w/OM. Even God is a jealous God and won't share our affections with anything else. We're either all for Him or completely against Him. She can't see that you are OK with what she's done. She must know the magnitude of what she's done. She should receive from you righteous anger, b/c that's what she deserves. She should not be permitted to spend another night in your home. You ask what Jesus would do? He would in no uncertain terms let her know that what she's done is a sin that he won't permit her to continue in. However, if she repents and stops He would take her back. God never turns his back on us, and we are to love like he loves. You must set boundaries, love her from a distance, don't tolerate affair, and if she repents and returns to you, take her back. Remember, divorce was only permitted in the case of adultery b/c of a hardening of hearts, not b/c God didn't still think we should forgive and be reconciled. I think all of these things are the best chance you have at winning her back.

WP

[S.T. _I Made It!]

after reading the first page, I'm kinda disappointed with most of you. This is not about revenge people, it's about saving the M.

now, I haven't read the second page, so perhaps others have had different viewpoints. I also haven't read your previous thread, so that will make a difference as well, and I cannot read it due to time sake.

IMHO, and this is coming from someone who has been there, on both sides, and God did save my M.

Which would you rather, her to be in the presence of the world? or for her to have more time with you who can show her the love of Jesus? I kicked my H out before I read DB, and the day after God gave me a friend who told me this. I immediately told him that I made a mistake and I did not want to push him out of our childrens lives sooner than needed, and he was welcome in our home as long as his contact remained OUTSIDE our home.

You DO need to set some boundaries for yourself. but I would not kick her out. The reason people fall into A's is because they are not receiving the love that THEY needed in the M. something was missing, and then someone outside the M starts fulfilling that need, and they become disillusioned. It is not love they have found. Love is a choice, not a feeling. feelings come and go, but you cannot explain that to someone in an A. You can only gently lead them out of it, but they do have to figure it out themselves.

IMHO, you need to GALing the heck out of yourself and start making YOU happy. start reflecting on who God wants you to be, for yourself, for your M, everything. we all know that we cannot change our spouse, we can only change ourselves, but in doing so, we change the whole sitch and when we react differently, so will our spouse.

Have you read For Men Only by Shaunti Feldhahn? I have read the For Women Only and it is a very insightful book written by a christian novelist. I highly urge you to read it.

and fyi, no offense to any of you here, I do not believe he should be a doormat, however, we must work strategically. If we do such an such, will that get us closer to our goal of saving the M, or further away?

what are things that you are doing for yourself to better yourself and GAling? focus on you, not on her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

after reading the first page, I'm kinda disappointed with most of you. This is not about revenge people, it's about saving the M.

now, I haven't read the second page, so perhaps others have had different viewpoints. I also haven't read your previous thread, so that will make a difference as well, and I cannot read it due to time sake.

OK, so you haven't even taken the time to read a TWO-page thread, nor his previous thread, you hop on a thread that's been inactive for a MONTH, and you take it upon yourself to be "disappointed" in how others were advising him??

Puppy

[DCBHM]

OK, so you haven't even taken the time to read a TWO-page thread, nor his previous thread, you hop on a thread that's been inactive for a MONTH, and you take it upon yourself to be "disappointed" in how others were advising him??

Puppy

I dunno Puppy... maybe a wayward would come back to the marriage if you financed her condoms and Victoria's Secret outfits for her long weekends?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe. But I think you'd have to provide her air fare to her hookup city tho.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

you know what. it's all the same. every one on here basically has the same issues. we were all married because we thought and believed that person to be the one for us for life, but somewhere down the road both people failed. they failed in showing their love in the way the other person needed it. Read the 5 love languages (that is another good book). I could go on why As happen, but the basic thing is this. no matter what his goal is he still needs to do the same thing, Focus on himself, not on her.

you can take my advice however you'd like. but kicking someone out is a big decision and you better make sure that is what you want.

If people can handle the emotions tied to it, and be able to still control their feelings and GAL like they need to, I always advise not to kick the other person out. The more time you are able to show the WAS your changes, the easier and faster it will be for them to believe it and want to come back.

the WAS won't ever come back unless they see and believe a change has happened and that it will last. this takes time and sometimes a long time. During an A, they are really sick. they are living in a fog and are consumed by their feelings. I know, I have been on both sides. there is even studies to show that when someone is having an A, their bodies are actually producing hormones that are similar to being high.

anyways, keep praying, and have faith that God will restore your M.