Remember the 24 hour rule? My 24 hour rule is now a few days or a week or two. Now that the shock is worn off (about XH's GF) and with the help of you and the others I am on a little more even keel and have figured out my motives for what I suggested.
Since I have had the crack in the door all this time I guess I was subconciously (and not) hoping that when XH's R with Sweet Pea was over he may come my way. I was fairly certain that his R with her would fail just because of the circumstances and what I knew about her and him, etc. What was it, 3%. A 3% success rate is pretty slim. On the other hand I feel much more threatened (not really the right word) insecure maybe of woman #2 (I can't even call her OW now), let's call her Mystery Girl. By threatened I mean that all I do know is that she has no children (like XH originally wanted), she has progressed at a reasonable rate of two years or so to moving in with him and the ONLY complicating factor with her was her overbearing mother in the house, which Mystery Girl has apparently vacated. What I'm saying is that from what little I know, she seems like a normal uncomplicated sort of R so it has a good chance of working therefore not much hope for me and XH. That's what made me feel so glum.
What prompted thoughts of the goodbye letter I think was my own desperation that XH is slipping away again and that I somehow was missing my chance. Maybe if I wrote him this letter, somehow something would stir within him and he'd think twice about me or Mystery Girl...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!! Did I mention what a ridiculous thought that is?
What to do...nothing.
This just isn't the time nor do I want to stick my neck out. If he wanted to be back, he would be back. It's simple, really.
I had to laugh at myself because for a moment I felt like the OW if I were to secretly e-mail him. I'm not exactly even at OW status is he doesn't respond, however. This made me feel a little like a dormat, like perhaps XH was giving me SOME form of contact so I would feel better or more secure, like he was doing ME a favor. I really have not initiated contact other than about the two deaths and all the sudden I feel like the NEEDY one. I also would not want to participate in some secretive communication if that is what he's after (doubtful, though).
I do not intend to e-mail again unless someone dies or it is a dire emergency. I will not call. I did e-mail the pet pictures the day I talked to him like I mentioned I would and that's it. If I did e-mail now I would feel like some skanky woman interfering in his R and we all know what that's like, right? I wouldn't REALLY have minded interfering with Sweet Pea (though I didn't) but Mystery Girl is a stranger. She may be very nice and she was not the original homewrecker so I have nothing against her nor do I want to make her wonder or whatever. I had been sending a B-day card or Christmas card to XH about once a year also and that will not continue.
So the crack is now gone and the only light shining is through the keyhole. I just needed to get my mind right. I even removed the picture XH had googled so he can't stare at my lovely face if he is ever poking around again.
There are a couple of things that still don't make sense...why he wanted to see me in person and why he even gave me his website address or email...or why he even answered the phone when I called if Mystery Girl was there...but nothing about him has made sense for the last five years.
A friend of mine recently posed the questions again after these recent contacts...Why do you want him back? Are you sure it's him or just someone? The old XH and the new wonderful man I had hoped for are not there, so I can hardly wish for something that doesn't exist. Food for thought.
The other areas of my life do need some work but I have to figure out where to start again. How'd that go? Fake it till ya make it...act as if
GG, They want to know that you are still out there. They want to ensure that you are not angry or hate them, for they cannot bear the thought of us hating them for what they've done...the guilt has actually helped them to communicate w/us once all of the anger has died down.
Yes, they want to see us, talk to us and have communication w/us because they know that they have royally screwed up. They are curious as to how we have managed to cope and move on w/our lives. I can also say that if you were to mention to your xh that you were seeing someone seriously, the entire "dance of communication" would change. Once they know that someone is in your life, communication will dwindle. As long as they know you are still single, living on your own and available to listen to them, validate them, etc., they will continue to communicate and keep you on a string, hoping against hope that you will always be there for them and only them. It's called keeping all of their options open and available.
Live your life to the fullest and know that some day the man that was/is meant for you will appear unexpectedly. As for your xh, he is a broken man who hasn't grown up yet and may never do so. He is still looking for you "mom" to be there to pick him up when he falls down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know we've already talked, but I thought I'd reiterate some of my thoughts for the bb, plus a few others.
First off, I think you're just out of practice as far as how to think about and handle communication with him b/c you haven't had much in a while, and that you were feeling off balance about the new R (it's so much easier in a way never hearing from them and just living your life). Plus this communication happened when your defenses were low b/c of these recent losses. So back to basics (it seems that's what you're doing): don't assume you know what's in his head or what's going to happen, detach, focus on you, back to G's Life Already in Progress. Give yourself time to grieve for your dad and your beloved pet and realize that of course the feelings you're having about them will necessarily cause you to revisit the feelings of losing H -- and that you will get thru that.
About his wanting contact. ITA w/ snodderly that knowing that you're "there" probably gives him a feeling of security. It's up to you whether you want to be there or not.
Finally, given the role contact w/ an XGF played in the demise of my M (H is now M to her) -- not to mention all the coaching on this BB cautioning against returning Hs keeping in contact w/ Xs -- I can certainly understand a new GF insisting on no contact w/ you. She may have been burned before.
-- Karen
P.S. - To those who say you have to believe and pray to get your M back, while I agree you must ask to receive, I have also come to learn that it is absolute hubris to assume that we know God's plan for us or what's best for us. The better prayer, IMHO, is "thy will be done." There may be a better plan for you than anything you can imagine.
Thanks so much for your response. That's exactly what I feel like...like I am being kept on a string and just given enough "whatever" to keep hangin' on for just a little bit longer...just in case. That in itself makes me feel remotely like a doormat and I guess part of the reasoning behind my actions (or inactions) right now. I am not comfortable being available on XH's terms and when it's convenient for him. There's a lot to be said for hope and open communication and all that happy cr@p but I would never put up with a one-sided R with any of my other friends or family or whatever and I'm not going to do it now.
I had forgotten about the "mother" factor. I had always been appalled that I might be viewed that way by XH. I would want a partner in a R, not a child or someone to take care of.
Thanks for your insight about the culmulative affect of the things going on right now, and their affect with making me "weak." I suppose I should cut myself some slack and take the time to regroup. Perhaps the culmination of events was what I needed to move forward with this sticky wicked. Some sort of blessing in disguise.
At first I was kind of glad that XH called to apologize but I'm not sure I like his motives (as Snodderly pointed out). I still don't think it's O.K. to act like a jerk and then offer a thin apology with such a lousy excuse for bad behavior. This whole thing has made me kind of sour of XH and his maturity level. He strikes me as kind of wimpy and that isn't really very appealing. Like...ICK!
I had a brilliant idea about the "letter." I have thought about what I would write/say so many times that I really don't believe that writing it down NOT to send would have any positive impact for me. I remembered that I still have his childhood bible and I plan to send it to him. There will be no note and believe me I have examined MY motives on this one. It is the last "conrete" piece of XH I have left. I think by sending it would serve the purpose of closure for me. No more loose ends...kind of clearing out the cobwebs. I would like to think for him it would be nice to have and it shouldn't leave any "bad taste in his mouth." There is no significance to "us" tied to it and it doesn't "mean" anything as far as he would be concerned.
I must admit I have felt more "liberated" the past few days.
Did I mention what a ridiculous thought that is? 
