So H told me today that he has always been unfaithful - in all his relationships. Now I kinda figured that, he is bipolar, diagnosed 3 months after we were married, and with that he has very high sexual needs. Right now he is very depressed, and when this happens he likes to wallow in it and so he thinks of all the bad things. He decided to come out and tell me he's been unfaithful. And that the current person is in a sexless marriage and they meet every Tuesday, when he was out of work this past summer. Now he has fruitless job, and is feeling lower than crud and is sick so piles of depressive mess are piling up and he's wallowing in it. My problem is, I kinda knew something was up. I called him on what I felt was going to be a weekend affair about 3 weeks ago, he came home early and was all lovey dovey after I had said "if you have an affair your not having sex with me EVER again with out proof it did not happen." Well no proof was given and because he came home early I figured nothing happened but turns out it did. And because I just let him back in, I was basically saying he can do what he wants and he can just come back. I knew from the day he was diagnosed that our marriage had basically been given a death sentence because most relationships like it don't last or if they do it takes alot out of a marriage. We don't have any children, we've been married 8 yrs. We didn't have kids because we didn't want a child to suffer through what he does, and also we knew that it would be hard to keep our marriage together, not to mention the stress alone that we would have staying afloat during times where he may be unemployed or hospitalized on my small paycheck. It sounds like she has found someone else but that he is waiting for her to tell him it's over, so he's not quite over her and I don't think she's quite over him either. This kinda happened before but that time it was purely emotional as the person lived several states away. And when he tried to see her she called it off.
So if we were to work this out, why would he be faithful and stay with me if I accept him back and he knows I knew and didn't seem to care? The only reason I can see is if I really stuck to it, meaning I put my foot down and said no more chatting, and the millisecond I sense something I call him on it. But see I guess I'm kinda with the mind that as he said he always comes back to me and so as long as I can keep that happening and his sexual desires are so high and I don't have to carry the brunt of them he can get his kicks and come back. But is that what I really want - no of course not. I'd like him to take control of his actions and like the rest of us faithful when we may have a twinge of desire for something else we grow up, take control and snap back to reality.
He did say he wants to see a psychologist - he's not seeing one despite his MI, just gets meds and that's it. He told me he wanted to see a therapist before he came out about the affair. The therapist was to help him deal with this past weekends disappointments and all the disappointments he's dealing with right now - basically help deal with the depression.
He does say that if I decide to work this out that's fine but if not he understands - I think that's more because he may feel he can have his cake and eat it too. But also partly and he said this he just wants to give up.
Sorry I don't know all the quick type lingo to use and sorry this is so long. Any advice would be helpful.
I think the only way you're going to be able to do this is to see if he'd be willing to be on a complete "no contact" and "transparency" plan with you. New cellphone #, with detailed billing coming to you, a keylogger on the home computer, GPS on his car if necessary, no-contact letter(s) to any OW, etc.
Plus counseling for sexual addiction.
With no children involved (smart), and considering his past history, I'd insist on nothing short of 100% of this, or you're right -- he WON'T take you seriously, and it will only happen again.
