The facade has lifted

[Baltoman]

I had been posting over on SSM until the last few months. I recently posted this on another board that I use but I thought I would try here too:

So, things in the BMan household were going along. Not great, not terrible. Not too much affection or love but things were "efficient". We were slowly climbing out of debt. Summers are bad for debt and bills since she has limited summer income, but we were slowly getting on top of our bills.

It turns out it was classic WAW behavior. I have good intuition and knew she was holding back so I looked at her computer history. She has contacted a lawyer and searched for apartments.

So it begins.

I was planning on going away this weekend to a religious retreat with people I haven't seen in 30 years but I don't think I'll be able to go now. I have been looking forward to it for a year. I cannot see that I'll have any positive contributions to the discussions of life, love, and God when my beliefs in such concepts have been so radically challenged.

We cannot afford lawyers. I suggested a mediator but she didn't seem to like this idea. I don't want lawyers eating up our income. Our situation is fairly straight forward. She makes good money. I make better money. We have 4 kids (1 under 18), a house, a mortgage, and a fair mountain of credit card debt. I assume the settlement will work out something like this: Pay child support on the one child. Split the debt and retirement accounts in half. Pay an amount of the mortgage and electric proportional to income for a year. Sell the house next year when the youngest is 18 and split any profit. Does this sound like how it would happen?

I'm scared and unsure of what to do. She said she was just gathering information and has not made up her mind but I cannot sit here with this sword hanging over my head. I have a job opportunity in Memphis and I'm thinking about taking it. Perhaps not having the flexibility of having me around will be a dose of reality. My job is flexible so I run the kids around if they need it during the day. If we were to get legally separated will I be able to take this job in Memphis?

While I am scared, part of me is relieved. She told me last night that she has changed over the last five years. That she is no longer sexual at all and she does not think it is just no drive for me, but for anyone. That she is tired of being unhappy and making me unhappy. Hell, I know I can find someone else. I know I can earn my way out of financial trouble. I can start over, but damn, I didn't expect to have to. Guess it's time to put in some serious time with the treadmill. Gonna have to put the uniform back on.

Any other advice?

As an addendum, I did go to the retreat this weekend and it was wonderful. I caught up with people I hadn't seen in 30 years and immediately picked up where we left off. I got to know people that I had passing familiarity with from 30 years ago that I now consider friends. That retreat is the most amazing confluence of people, place, and purpose that I have ever been involved with. I need to move toward the person I was when that place was a part of my life regardless of what happens in my immediate future. With or without my wife, I need this for me.

Anyway, she is looking at apartments and she now has said she would be amenable to a mediator. I don't this that will end up working as we tried to discuss what was "fair" and her idea of fairness seemed to be "getting all that she was entitled to".

After the weekend when I returned things were pleasant. She kissed me goodbye when she went to work. On the other hand, she took a part time job in the evenings to (in my opinion) be able to afford a divorce. I don't know how I feel. I feel a bit more at peace with being able to handle any of the possibilities after the weekend. I do think I will go to church this weekend to a church of my choosing without telling her where I am going. Does anyone have any advice for someone whose WAW is seemingly so far along on the process?