Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[Imageer]

My thread seems to be missing so I thought I would start another.

I haven't much to say lately, so I haven't been on much.

I finally got my new place. It's great and exactly what I wanted/needed right now. Although, at the same time it is a little depressing because it is the first place I've owned without my W. W has also moved in to the house that her and OW bought together. I should have my internet set up soon so I might be on here a little more.

Because we both now own separate houses, I has pretty much cornered in to signing a sep. agreement. We went back and forth on the details for a couple of weeks. The main sticking point was what was going to happen to her engagement ring. My argument was that I didn't want it sold and that I wanted it to be kept for the kids. Her argument was that I was trying to control her (?????....must be an MLC thing). I ended up getting upset with her and told her that I was disappointed in how she was handling that issue at which point she completly backed down and gave in. Strange.

W is still messed up. I think more so than ever. She doesn't call as much but she still talks like nothing is wrong. I saw her tonight and she was stand offish one minute and then we were laughing and friendly the next.

I really don't understand her behaviour lately. However she is doing something that annoys me. She has now decided that it is ok to refer to her and the OW in a together type fashion when talking to me. For example. "We are taking holidays this week", "we met the new neighbours last night" and so on. I don't say anything about it because I don't want her to feel that she can't talk to me but I don't like it. I think in her mind, her and the kids and OW are a happy family. To me that is just craziness. She also complains about the kids a lot lately. She can't seem to understand why they are not behaving. She doesn't see at all what she is doing to them.

Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be this long. I guess I had more to say than I thought.

[plentyhope]

Hi Imageer,
Glad you are happy with your new place.

Sorry you're feeling hurt by your W's actions. It is rough to be the receiving end of her rubbing her R in.

Did you read Charlyne Cares from Aug 5th "It is Hard for the Prodigal When..." She wrote that "You let me talk about you-know-who and you just smile".

Take care, PH

[Imageer]

I did read bits and pieces of that. However, even though I get a bunch of newsletters daily on this topic, I don't read them nearly as much as I use to. It takes too much time and I find it drags me down.

In my mind, my W is sick. I'm not angry with her. I do very much love her. I have forgiven her long ago. Although, I don't think she needs forgivness, she needs help. I would love to help her (I have even dreamed that she would come to me for help) but I cannot help her unless she asks. She has aligned herself emotionally with her friend and she seeks help and validation from them. However, her friends are probably more messed up than she is.

I treat her as my wife even though she doesn't consider herself to be. I'm not hung up on her every move. I do like to watch her actions and wonder about her motives though. I find myself shaking my head at some of the things she does. For example, she moved in to her house and rather than unpacking, she decided to re-tile the kitchen back splash. Yes, some of the things she does hurt me emotionally. Like when she talks about OW like her and W and my kids are a family. but it goes away quickly and I end up laughing to myself at how ridiculous this situation is.

At the moment I'd like to think I'm in a good place mentally. I admit that I am very lonely and makes my mind wander. I have by no means given up on my marriage but I do not know what I would do if a woman came along and through herself at me.

[Imageer]

Time goes on but nothing really changes .... or does it? I have no idea.

W's behaviour is erratic at best. We go to swimming lessons weekly with the kids. The first couple of times she was coldish and the last couple of times she has been very chatty and was debatabely flirting with me at last weeks class. In the last week her emails have also become much more friendly. Oddly, we were having a geed conversation yesterday on email when suddenly she stopped replying and I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. I had a distinct feeling that she got spooked and stopped talking.

I have long thought that W addresses her pain in this in an "it will all be better when..." type way.

"It will all be better when I move out and get my own place."

"It will all be better when I get my drivers license back."

"It will all be better when I BUY a house and get out of the rat hole I rented"

Inerestingly, I think she is running of these things to look forward too. She has her DL back now. but is very unlikely to be able to afford a car. She has moved in to the house that she bought with OW but it hasn't even been a month and I think she is out of money. She hasn't said anything but before OW moved in with her, she was stretched to the limit and looking for me to split every $10 with her that she spend on the kids. That stopped when OW moved in and (I'm assuming) paid for half of the rent for the dump. In fact she seemed to be spending constantly. Now she has moved to a house and that is much more expensive and suddenly, she is looking for money again.

So I wonder what the next "It will all be better when" will be? I can't see what else she could look forward to. I wonder how she will deflect this off herself next?

[Imageer]

S8 said something to me in passing the other day. He said "OW is not home much. She works late a lot" hmmmmm..........

[lawless]

Ima,

Long time bro.

Anyway, you know this already, detach yourself.
It doesn't matter what she does or who she does it with because you are in the same place that you were when she left.

I hear you in the "it will be better stuff" and guess what, it matters not to a MLCer.

My X has done it all and she is miserable to say the least, I am done and dating and pretty jaded for my experience.

So only you know what is right and good when it comes to that and it will sooner or later.

All I can say is when and if it comes to that hold on to what is right and good, don't fall for the fluff.

Hell you will know this when and if it happens............

[Imageer]

Lawless!!!!

Thanks for dropping in. You are right. I think I do still need to detach more. Although, I am much more detached than I was 6 months ago.

How are things with you? Given what you xW has done, i think she will be miserable forever. I am still shaking my head in disbelief.

Are you still with the same GF?

[sleeper]

Imageer,

It is hard to detatch when you love them. I have no doubt that I love mine or I would have been done a long time ago.

I know what you mean about the "when _____ happens it will be better" thing.

Mine obviously thought it will be better when we separate, and more recently when the D is final. She is "stressed" constantly now and I have stopped asking why.

If you discover any good detatchment techniques please let me know.

[Imageer]

Sleeper,

I don't think that there is really anything that you can do exactly to become more detached. I think it is just something that happens in time.

I've been doing this for about 19 months now and I can say that I am in a much better place than I was 19 months ago. I don't think I am really detached, but I am much better at not stressing over everything she says and does. However, I do often think about her and I do often think about my actions in a "does this help or hurt our chances to reconcile" type of way. I'd like to think that there is a definate corallation between what makes me a better person and what helps our chances to reconcile.

Right or wrong I have become very righteous in how I conduct myself. I view what I do and how I conduct myself as being driven by what is right for me, my children and my marriage. I tend to view what my W does as the actions of a person with issues.

I was thinking about it last night and I think my W is headed toward a wall. In my mind, the biggest reason she left was the state of our finances. She even said at one point "I can't continue like this for another 10 years". Interestingly, she is basically in the same position now financially as before she left. Where as I am increasingly in a better finanial position and I'm doing it on a single income. If we were backl together, we would be in a nice spot financially. It will be interesting to see how this affects her going forward.

[Imageer]

I was talking to W about her taking the kids to the zoo. She was saying that they had a stingray exibit there. I then made reference to the stingrays we saw in Nassua on our cruise a month before the bomb.

The odd thing about this is that she had no memory of ever seeing them and she talked about going there like it was 15 years ago rather than the 20 months as it was. I distinctly remember her having a great time on that tour and looking at the different exibits with interest. Now she forgets what she saw.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. About 6 or 8 months ago I mentioned to her about a time we had gone out of town on a day trip to see her cousins newborn. She had no memory of ever doing that either.

This is a very odd thing for a person who had a memory that was very sharp.