I spent the day out seeing friends & spending time with the kids, enjoying the time I have b/f H lands back in town.
The fact that new revelations come up daily would indicate that there would be some kind of burnout ahead, as in H finally imploding from all the stress he brings into his life.
Gee, that sounds like something I'd like to tangle myself in....maybe he mistakes it for passion, some people do.
H started calling as expected when he arrived at the airport. I couldn't get to the phone any of the 3 x's.
The last message was that he needed me to call him about the arrangements w/S5. Wanted to know if he's to have him tomorrow & maybe Weds also, call him ASAP to let him know. (He usually has him M-W-F.)
So, I'll wait until he boards & leave a VM that my nephew & brother are only here for a couple more days, so Weds. for dinner as he usually does would be good.
I'm having a very hard time even leaving him a message, I will, it's just so much nicer to move him off my radar screen.
If he insists on tomorrow, I guess I'll have to be here to make the switch, since S16 will be working.
Stop making the phone calls to where the other woman worked.
Stop trying to find out where he is, what he's doing.
Stop.
That takes energy away from you, Makes you head spin around possibilities Takes your focus away from what is good for you Good for your kids.
Stop having your 16 year old do the exchanges. Your youngest is old enough to get a hug from you at the door and then go out to the car with his stuff to his dad. Nothing says you have to talk to each other, more than a wave. Remember, treat your spouse like a neighbor/acquaintance and you have work to do inside. If you don't think you can do it, have a friend or family member help you.
Your spouse has been the star of the show for way too long. You've been anticipating what he's doing, what he wants,.. it's all him him him.
Ms. Sunny... you have this beautiful container full of radiant energy. Do you really want to spend what is so wonderful on him? Isn't it better used on you.. on the kids?
A friend of mine told me to live my life like I'm the leading lady. And guess what? It makes a big difference.
Do what is right for you, what makes you a better person. Do what is right for your children.
I know your heart is in the right place, I'm going to have to disagree w/you though.
I'm not consumed w/ my H. My head is not spinning w/possibilities.
I have gone the other route for 14 months & it has not worked for me. It is a much better call to not to be around this last week for me. I know the "treat your spouse like a neighbor" bit, I've been doing it.....
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Nothing says you have to talk to each other, more than a wave.
Yes, experience says that H has not come to the door, p/u'd S & left w/ a wave.
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Stop.
Stop right now.
Stop making the phone calls to where the other woman worked.
Stop trying to find out where he is, what he's doing.
Stop
.
Gypsy, one phone call (in 14 months) was made by someone to find out for sure if OW was on this trip. Since I drew a line beforehand, I wanted to know if that boundary was violated.
I read your post as casting me not too far from "The astronaut in diapers."
If I was obsessed w/H & his activities, I would have driven by his/her house at least once in all this time.
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Ms. Sunny... you have this beautiful container full of radiant energy. Do you really want to spend what is so wonderful on him? Isn't it better used on you.. on the kids?
One of the downsides to only getting part of the picture. My energy is spent on me & my children & the less I have to engage w/H right now, the more positive that energy is.
I will continue to use information to find the truth on matters that directly impact me, since my H is "truth challenged." I wish I knew the truth of what was really happening in the beginning, I likely would have proceeded in a much different way. I only use information as a tool, I don't care to know the details of what goes on between them.
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Your spouse has been the star of the show for way too long.
You have my full agreement there
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You're worth it!
And here...I've never had a self-esteem issue, for some reason my mind doesn't work that way. (Even as I can see work needs to be done, I manage to keep them separate.)
Thanks for your consideration & post, it's nice to know that you care enough to send it.
The fact that new revelations come up daily would indicate that there would be some kind of burnout ahead, as in H finally imploding from all the stress he brings into his life.
I would say this is right on target...and I would say taking refuge in the bomb shelter, or at least under your desk (did you have to do those insane nuclear bomb drills when you were just a little sunny ) 'til the fallout passes is a good call.
Do not heed the siren call...he's really a walrus right now, you know.
Somehow this ended up at the bottom of the post rather than up at the top, after the S drop off where it has a more appropriate spot.
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I would say this is right on target...and I would say taking refuge in the bomb shelter, or at least under your desk (did you have to do those insane nuclear bomb drills when you were just a little sunny. (from L)
I still think of those nuclear desk drills & laugh, although @ the beginning of LBS life, that's how a lot of us feel I'm sure until we learn how to really avoid the radiation.
I left a message for H that Weds. would be a good day to have S5, since my brother & nephew will be leaving on Thursday. No response since he arrived home last night, so nice & relaxing around here.
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Do not heed the siren call...he's really a walrus right now, you know.
Your H calls frantically over and over again to make arrangements for when he will see his son.. and then after you mention that Wednesday would work best for you and to forgo his initial request of Tuesday and Wednesday he drops all contact.
What does that tell me (someone with no psychological training)?
Priorities. Your H's priority at this point is definitely not your son. Seems it is his priority to put you back in the cozy spot under his thumb! I'd bet he's regrouping.. wonder what arsenal he's going to show up with next?
Changing the dynamic of this relationship has got to be better than maintaining the status quo.
I agree with W2G, he is using your S. I know I said it before, forgive me for repeating this, I know you will not but make sure you don't follow him on that path. You know better.
I agree with knowing things. I am all for that. Knowledge is power...
And I loved this "Changing the dynamic of this relationship has got to be better than maintaining the status quo".
The lack of contact is interesting but almost to be expected. He did not get his own way over the last couple of days and I suspect has retreated into his cave for a bit of a think. We men do that. Its a good thing but be a aware that he will be regrouping and may come out with a new strategy or a more intense version of the old one. Again we males do that sometimes. We go if that didnt work , we just need more firepower , hit em a little harder .
Just stay calm and do the right thing no matter what happens , It will all be smoke anyway.
Your H calls frantically over and over again to make arrangements for when he will see his son.. and then after you mention that Wednesday would work best for you and to forgo his initial request of Tuesday and Wednesday he drops all contact.
What does that tell me (someone with no psychological training)?
Priorities. Your H's priority at this point is definitely not your son. Seems it is his priority to put you back in the cozy spot under his thumb! I'd bet he's regrouping.. wonder what arsenal he's going to show up with next? (from W2G)
Finally got a call around noon asking me to please call him back "you know the numbers."
I called back right away, "I just got out of the shower, what's up?"
"Well, you haven't been returning my calls & it started right after the e-mail requesting my flt info, which I sent you, so I don't know what the problem is."
"Yes, I got the e-mail confirming you left out of San Diego, not TJ, so it told me all I needed to know."
"I never told you I was leaving out of TJ, it was always SD."
"TJ was a direct response to a question, it was SD."
"But, I gave you everything you asked for, you saw the ticket for 1 PAX, I went alone on the trip."
"I'm not sure why you would tell me the wrong departure city. It could have been b/c you were spending the night w/your affair, she was taking you to the airport & you didn't want me to confront/see you. Was that maybe the reason?" (I do know now that he spent that night & last night w/OW upon his return)
Upset now, "I sent you a copy of the ticket."
"Yes, I understand that, would you answer the question please."
"I'm finished talking about this."
"Okay, let's go over you renting a place a few blocks away from me, I find it incredibly disrespectful that you would bring your affair into my neighborhood....."
"Well, you have "Boat Boy" right down at the marina (yelling now), & I know you were going to take S5 on 4th of July to watch fireworks w/him. Where do you suggest I live, I'm not coming to that house, we can't keep doing this."
"I wasn't intending to do that, in fact, S5 has never met him. Despite what you may think, we're only friends."
"I know all about it, I won't say how I know, but I know."
"Like I said the other day, I'm not sure how we got here, but it's now spiraling (sp?) out of control. I have a high moral grounding & will always choose what's right. Right for my kids, for me, & my family, I wouldn't do anything to harm that. We are just friends. If you think the only way to go is to break this family apart & ramp things up, that's out of my control, however, I do not want S5 or S16 exposed to someone who would start a R w/a married man & father."
-5 minutes of silence-
(Calm now)"O.K., let's both take a breather from this, I'll see you tomorrow night when I come for S." (I think it's back to the cave, Dave)
I was calm & collected.
Anyway, there was no mention of talking to S, or coming by today, which leads me to think it isn't about him.
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I agree with knowing things. I am all for that. Knowledge is power...
I think so too, K!
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My deepest apologies for sending the wrong message. I would never ever even think of thinking of you as the 'depend'able astronaut!
It was more my own backlash reaction to pain remembered. How finding out some information was motivating, too much information hurt me.
) 'til the fallout passes is a good call.