I feel like I'm at a sticking point right now. I guess part of me thought that once I started applying DB techniques, I'd be able to stop, but I know better now.
How do you handle "moments" now? Right now, I feel very unappreciated. H has been in some severe back pain, and I offered to work on it last night (I'm a massage therapist). We spent close to an hour and a half on just his low back area. When I was finished (there's only so much you can do), I asked how his back was. His response was that he'd know in the morning. That's fine; I know that the results are not always immediate. But when I asked him how I did, he told me he couldn't answer that because he's never had another therapist work with him. That hurt. But as I was typing this, I realized that I may not have been clear in what I was asking. What hurt more, however, was that he didn't even thank me. The work I did was very intense and it takes a lot out of me emotionally and physically, especially at 9:00 at night.
But then this morning, we were getting ready for work. I make his breakfast since I don't have but maybe two minutes to drive for work. We sat down to eat and he gave me a look. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that the bread was too toasted. He likes his bread just barely toasted...still white. I don't know. These things just get to me. I go out of my way to make breakfast for him and then get told that the bread is too toasted. Am I being unreasonable here by feeling disappointed in him?
It gets better. As he's getting ready to leave, he kisses me very briefly and walks to the door. On the way, he stops to hiss at our two cats and tells them he hates them. Then he says "bye" to me and leaves. His problem with the cats? One of them had been on the kitchen chair over the night and left some hair there. I've offered to find them homes because we're simply not there much, but he told me not to do that because I would end up hating him for it. Please. I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it.
I just feel like he talks in double-speak. Half the time I don't know what's going on. I don't get straight answers from him. For example, we're living in a one bedroom apartment during the week, but we have a beautiful house (or he would tell you that it's his house since he had it before we married). His parents have been living there, renting from us all this time. He wants to spend every weekend there, and I've relented. The one time I did tell him I wanted some breaks from being there was right before the bomb. Well, we have to move from the apartment in May. I'd like to have some idea what he wants to do because it means me changing jobs, etc. All he tells me is that he has a plan.
I've made some significant changes in my responses to him, etc. But he's flipped now, too. I really believe at this point that he's just doing and saying some of these things to get at me. But why?
Really, I feel emotionally drained right now, and I don't have the energy to put much into this. I'm posting this hoping to be able to see some pattern here and some way to solve the problem. For the most part, things are fine between us. But between his job and back ache, he's been a bear to be around. And I did mention just what's going on with him, because everything in my life is insignificant.
Is this normal? Do other people go through this sort of thing when they are putting their lives back together?
I'm posting again because I just realized some things. A friend told me her husband did a similar thing to their pets when he was going through a rough time at work. Her husband called it the food chain effect.
I was telling my friend about the whole massage session thing that I was so hurt over, and I realized while I was talking that we had joked some during the session and that over all it was really a good time.
C had told me that my biggest challenge was making sure I don't get emotionally drained. I'm drained right now and I think that's part of the problem.
In great DB fashion, I have determined that when I make jokes about H's behavior, he reacts better than when I am serious. I think I need to find my sense of humor today.
If you want to get your feelings back for him, he is going to have to do somethings for you. My H was miserable, angry, person before. He is better know and I will call him on his behaviour that I dont like. I am trying to make myself happy now, If he want to be a part of it he will comply. So far so good. I do alot for my H. But know I expect somethings in return. Like make me a coffee. Cut up vegetables with me while preparing dinner. It makes me feel appreciated. I dont mind picking up the heavy end but I do need someone helping at the other end. Before I did it all. I realized that even though I did everything nice food, clean clothes and house it didnt prevent him from straying, living on his own doing everything for himself. So I had to change. To make me happy. Just my thoughts. Loretta
