I am marveling at the idea of my h stuck on his back in bed, unable to move without great pain due apparently to a recurrent slipped disc (had this a couple times before when we were tog.). I think there are things in his life that still feel "stuck" to him, at his job and certainly about where he is now living as a roommate in someone's house. So to be "stuck" in bed, in fact in the very bed he made and must lie in.... is a very apt metaphor.
I have compassion for him, but it is not at this point possible to show it, or to take any of it on as my own pain because I have been so shut out. So no chicken soup for him. xxx Amy
Actually, amy, he should not be in bed. I have had plenty of back problems. Inactivity is the worst thing for it. I can tell you what is stuck...his head up his @$$
Long time without posting and this is a big week: Divorce week -Thursday in court.
I am okay and I am not okay. The divorce falls one month before our 30th wedding anniversary. I am so sad that this has to happen - and has to b/c my h has forced the issue so here it is. When I count my blessings, I hope that this is a step forward for me, and a way to quit hanging onto something that is not to be. I have been waiting for three years for this to turn around and it has not. I think I did okay on the DB stuff though there have been times that I was quite upset with myself for screwing it up by saying the wrong thing here or there, for overdoing the contact, or for letting go so much that there is not enough contact. In the end, this is one guy who just did not want to come back.
I have read about those who DID come back, and I think that it has not so much to do with the LBS, but with the proclivities of the one who left and changed their mind. Or didn't. Mine didn't. I really and truly think there was just not much I could do. I am sadddddd.
Meanwhile my h has disappeared out of my life like a slow trickle. He was a droplet and I used to see him every week or two. Now a month or more will go by and no sign of him.
My h used to be someone who adored kids. Now he ignores our grandson (who is the light of my life). Maybe my h still adores kids, just other ones in his new life and new family.
My h has been 'nice' if you ignore the fact that he left his wife, responsibilities, house, in-laws, friends, and is now only loosely connected to his children. But he has not been mean and has settled for a divorce agreement that is in my favor. Maybe if he was awful I could have set him up as a demon and let go more easily. Maybe if our marriage was not a good one I could have been more able to say I am now better off. But this is what I got - a great marriage and a nice guy who just walked away.
My life goes on. I sound upset and I am - this will be a difficult week. I am doing a lot of babysitting for my grandson who is living w/ me along with his parents. He was born with a brain injury but is thriving in so many ways, and has been the fortunate recipient of wonderful early intervention care. It is an adventure and a joy to be involved with him. He is also the most challenging toddler I have ever known and it is not easy to have him around all the time. My life has not been too full of activity besides my home for now.
OTOH - I did go on a fabulous trip a month or so ago to the wedding of my niece in Israel. She was married in an oasis in a palm grove in the desert, with the mts behind her and the full moon rising. She arrived on a camel, and after the ceremony, we ate and danced thru the night. Worth the journey to be there.
So this is my sad update. This week will pass. I am lucky to have a roof over my head, a great family, and happy memories. Am I standing?? Don't think so b/c after three years I can't put my life on hold any more. I have not been just sitting around, but standing is waiting. For me it is not sane to stay there. And I don't know who that guy was who left me. He is very far gone. The one I loved would hold me, care for me and support me. The shell I see occasionally is not that guy. He seems to have disappeared into the ether. Too late, too much time, to far away. But I am sad for what I thought my life was going to be. It has not become what I want it to be.
I went thru a period of a kind of euphoria, when I realized I could actually be happy, that I was surviving. That seems to have passed as the routine of my life settles in.
What is next is to survive this week. Then pick myself up and go on. xxx Amy
I am so glad u posted! I was fliiping through contacts on mty cellie yesterday......and there u were!! I actually said to myself she is doing wonderful as she hasn't posted. I almost clicked send.......
I'm sorry Amy......I am with you all the way. I look at it this way now. It's not a question of standing or not. Its a fact of surviving and making this mess of life right now into something wonderful!
Rich is a droplet also. Like yours, mine has completely sealed the faucet. No more leaks. But thats ok. The only good thing is the house is not for sale anylonger. I am just going to say this to you. Remember there are those who HAVE to get the Divorce. You've been at this a long long time. Just keep going. Thursday will not be as bad as you anticipate(ok I'm sorta lying but hey...I"m SUPPORTING )
Funny how they "settle" with us, and we are the major benefactors. I did not understand that part. Sigh...{{Amy}}
NO your life is not what you expected right now. Far from it. This hurts. You do have a wonderful life ahead tho. I know you know it....this week shall pass in a blurr. I hope you do not remember too much of it.
Never give up or give in Amy......oneday you will be surprised at how happy and blessed you truly are!!
If your # is the same, I will call you this week....as you called me when I started my journey through court.
Much love and hugs,
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I'm sorry it has come to this. Everything I could say sounds trite, but of course you feel sad, sad is the "appropriate" response. As Jeannette sad, it is hard, but it too shall pass.
As you know, my XH and your H have had very similar patterns in their MLC/WAH paths. I don't know that it is necessarily the case that they won't turn back, just because they eventually pushed through the D. But I don't know if they will either, and I certainly don't know when.
I understand your inclination not to stand any more. I'm not sure I even think of it that way anymore, post-D. I just haven't met anyone who knocks my sox off enough to make me decide consciously to give up standing. I guess you've have the spiritual push to tell you what to do, I don't feel like I have yet.
Your toddler sounds like a handful and a half. I know that must be tiring at times, OTOH it is great to be busy right now.
Hold on tight to yourself Amy, it can only go up from here.
AH & Jeanette, Thanks for your kind wishes... I know you both have been down this part of the path in similar circumstances i.e. feeling the whole time that it is not right. It would be easier if I wholeheartedly agreed with the people around me including my parents, misc. friends etc. who believe that it is about time for this to get over with. Ah well, I cannot dismiss their thoughts completely as there is certainly a grain of truth in what they say.
I spoke to my S23 tonight about his dad. We don't often talk about the sitch anymore but I asked him how he thinks his dad is doing. S23 said he is overworked and not happy with his job, talks about moving and getting a different car. This is such an old story that I could recite it myself in the dark. I have heard it before and the job thing was the same when he left 3 yrs ago and before that too. Well, the guy is stuck. He made the wrong change to find happiness. Somehow I find that explanation comforting. I think each of us finds comfort in different ways: some by demonizing the WAS, some by demonizing the OP, some by discovering the M was not so good, some in intense spiritual rediscovery etc.. And some are fortunate enough to have the M restored.
Okay, gotta get my grandson out of my room and into bed - he is not a good sleeper.
Thank you thank you. My mom called me tonight and my best friend from Calif. and sweet Jeanette. I am loved. That helps - really it is everything.
Also my h called this afternoon. He is still nice. He says his only regret is that we did not wrap this up a year ago. Well maybe he is not all that nice. I let him know once again that I think this is not the right thing to do...... well he said I will probably always think that if I still am saying it three yrs later. We talked about being friends..... I have been shut out so long, so often that I told him I cannot initiate anything on this score, but that I could respond and would wait till he was ready. The ball is in his court. He seems to think that now that this part is done, that maybe we can be friends.... but I will believe it when I see it. We are very friendly when we talk, and it is fairly easy between us. We can discuss his job, my job, the kids, the house. But that is only two people trying to be amicable.
I still cannot believe it has come to this. But it is reality. I will be glad to be beyond it. It sure feels like a step backwards to be immersed in the sadness of the sitch again right now, when I was hitting a place of much better equilibrium. Intellectually, I know it will be easier to get back to feeling okay, but now ... I will just try to get some sleep. (However, my darling Thai daughter in law has been cooking her lunch for tomorrow, and we are all coughing from the chili pepper that is in the air!) :-)
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