Hey everyone in Survival mode! I'm now moving over here, as I feel it will help me to move on (and to avoid all of the drama that many face in the Newcomers section!).
My sitch:
W and I were high school sweethearts. We began dating at the beginning of my senior year (her sophomore year). After I graduated, I moved a little over an hour away to begin college (though I didn't stay in it long and instead became a pizza delivery boy). W stayed in our home town, and I would come home to visit her on my days off. One night I had a bad feeling and got off work early and drove to her place. I more or less caught her having an affair with a friend of mine. I forgave her, and she ended the brief R (she use to date him before me).
Shortly after that, we moved out of state so I could begin college again at a University I always wanted to attend. About 5 months after being there, I found a letter in the mail that was returned to us because the address it was sent to was incorrect. It was from my W (still just girlfriend at the time) to that old friend she had a brief A with. In it she described how she had a dream about him, and it had caused her to realize how much she missed him, and that she would always love him. I of course confronted her with it and flew off the handle. She showed deep regret, said she felt bad after she sent it, and that she was sorry. I reluctantly forgave her again, but this time I just couldn't let it go -- everytime we fought after that, I would bring it up, and I never could get to a point where I could trust her.
We got married about a year later and moved back to Idaho. My mom had passed away a week prior to the wedding (cancer, so it was expected), and I was devastated because I was an only child raised by a single mom, and since my W didn't know how to help me deal with my mom's death, I resented her for it. I dropped out of school, quit working, and began drinking all day and night for about the next 9 months (I was 21 at the time). During this time I became verbally abusive, accusative of her having more affairs, and even slapped her once during one of my drunken rages. I then got a DUI and after that began working on getting my life back in order. I started back to school, and began drinking less (though I was still an angry and bitter drunk). Finally, one day when I was drunk my W said that she had had enough and was leaving me. Of course I begged and pleaded with the friend she went to stay with (W wouldn't talk to me), and thankfully my W said she would come back if I would change my angry behavior. I did for the most part, but the changes weren't permanent, and during fights I would still lash out, hit below the belt, call her names, belittle her, etc.
We decided to start having kids (subconsciously to "fix" our problems, I think), and it was during her pregnancies that I was the best husband. During these times I never argued with her, always did whatever she needed, read info with her, went to all of her Dr. appts with her, got her flowers all of the time, etc. I treated her like gold, and she did deserve it (and she deserved to continue getting this treatment).
After having our two kids, W wanted more and I said I didn't, so the answer was no. It hurt her a lot, and I never realized until later how selfish it was of me to have the final say on this without even having a discussion about it. I had graduated from college, got a job (H.S. English teacher and wrestling coach), and began working crazy hours (often 70+ a week). I became obsessed with work and being a model family of society, and often if not always neglected my W and her needs. I became critical, judgemental, controlling, etc. I had inherited a lot of money from the death of all of my family over the years, and controlled all of our financial decision, both large and small (even tiny choices). I also did everything around the house -- cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, took care of the kids, etc -- and constantly criticized my W for not helping me out (which of course caused her to have more resentment for me and to not want to help). Even when she did help, I was judgemental on HOW she did things.
About a year and a half ago, my W won a large chunk of money on a scratch ticket, and with a little bit of help from me got one of those new Mustangs (the car). Then, during the summer, we decided to buy a new house (mostly my desire, but she went with it). Then, a month later, I decided to let her get the boob job she had always wanted (I used to say no -- that I liked her the way she was, and said this because I didn't want her feeling bad about her self-image). Well, about a month and a half after the boob job, we got in another fight and didn't talk for 4 days. Finally, when I tried to apologize, she said she didn't think she could do this anymore, and wanted a D. After talking all night, I convinced her to go through a separation.
I helped her get into an apartment and get comfortable, but a mere 7 weeks later I forced her into an ultimatum: come home and work on the M, or get a D. Of course, she chose the D. I became angry, and about 3-4 weeks later I filed for D in hopes she would want to come back. It didn't work (imagine that!). I went pitch black except for when exchanging the kids, and when we did have to interact I was very cold. She then began dating a guy from work who was going through his second D (this was in March). He is 12 years older than her, and she is still dating him and now moved in with him (almost 2 months now). I got mad and went on a few dates myself, but decided I wasn't ready for that and quit. I then got a highly publicized DUI (new channel was riding with the officer that pulled me over), and because of the attention the arrest got, I was asked to resign from teaching.
It was about 2 months after this (May) that I found this website and DR. I immediately began employing the techniques at that point, and even though I had made great changes in myself, my attitude, behavior, etc, it wasn't enough to sway my W's decision. The D was to be final at the end of Aug, but because I changed my mind and decided to not sell the house and give her half of the money from it, which would've been about $250,000. (Idaho law says inheritance and property purchased with it is separated property). Our trial date got bumped to Dec 7th, and I expect it will go through. After 3 solid months of damn near perfect DBing, I asked W to consider postponing the D indefinitely, and she declined (this was a few weeks ago). She said she needed to move on, and I told her I respected that decision, and that I needed to put the idea out there one last time so I could feel good knowing I did everything I could to save the M. I also told her I would be happy with or without her, and that I just preferred it to be with her. It was a couple weeks after this that I decided not to give her the money from the house, and she was pretty devastated by this. I told I would still help her out, but that I no longer believed she was entitled to the money, and realized I only offered it in the first place out of guilt, as well as incentive to get her back. My last thread (linked below) outlines this conversation.
Yesterday we talked about some logistics concerning some bills and scheduling with the kids, and it was very civil and she wasn't emotional like she was in the convo regarding not receiving any money. I'm at a place now where I am ready to be done with the M because I've tried everything I could. I will continue with the changes I've made (no more temper, anger, criticism, judgement, controlling, etc), but I will no longer work to get her back. I'm ready for the D to go through and to move on with my life. If W has a change of heart, I won't take her back until she can show me that she has made or working on making the changes I believe are necessary for us to have a strong, happy, and healthy R/M. I don't think she'll ever want to come back, but that's what she will face if she does.
Thanks for reading this long post -- can't seem to make my initial sitch posts short at all!
Wow, GD this is the first time I've read your entire sitch. Your life is just as drama filled as mine! I wish i some amazing advice to give or something.
