Haven't kept track of my old posts as I haven't posted in a while. I have had a really bad day so far and it's only lunchtime! MBSW is here for a few weeks (marriage breaking slut whore to those not in the know) and h decided to spend the night with her last night. This morning I had to call the paramedics for my 15 year old daughter who was having excruciating stomach pain and they took her to hospital. He had his phone off so left 2 messages. Turns out she has a urinary track infection and was eventurally sent home with pain killers and antibiotics. H phones me and lets rip at me how he f++++ng hates me etc etc and I just said I don't have to take this anymore please don't contact me again or come round the house and put the phone down. Short while later he phones we are home he has gone to the hospital after a few words about daughter he starts apologising. Says he didn't mean what he said that he was frightened and who else was he going to take it out on. He was sorry he had mistakenly turned his phone off. He was with MBSW and would be again tonight. He is in hospital for an operation tomorrow and then they are going away together to help him recuperate and she leaves again on the 24th. We had a long chat about the breakdown in our marriage and I am afraid I did say a few home truths. A short while later he turns up here wanting to see D. Then I gave him a cigar I had bought as a gift for him and forgotten to give him and he just held me for such a long time kissed me on the cheek and said that he didn't want this to be horrible! We started to talk and he said that he was thinking of selling the stupid 2 seater sports car he has just bought. He looked so sad headed out the door that I took him by the hand led him into the kitchen and made him a cup of tea. We had a long chat about what was going on and he said he had to have the divorce. He said he was frustrated that the house wasn't selling and the divorce wasn't done. I told him that he should stop being frustrated at things he can't control. He said I know I'm trying. Is all this the sign of MLC or does he really not love me or want me anymore. He says he isn't leaving me for anyone else but he can't live with me anymore.
You sound to be in so much pain. Just breathe deeply a few times and try to centre yourself.
Your post brought back some painful memories of when my xh first went into full blown MLC. Your h sounds to be in turmoil and unable to rspond to you with any consistency at all.
I am sure he still loves you, but it is buried very deep right now. It will keep popping up to the surface but he will probably keep pushing it back down again.
Ellie, he isn't leaving you for anyone else, but because he feels compelled to get away to find himself. But he will need OW so he doesn't feel too alone and because this is so often part of the journey for them. Trying on new relationships, different selves etc.
All you can do for now is to let him go and hope he will come back to you one day when his crisis is over.
In the meantime, you will probably find you can't depend on him to be there for you during difficult times. He may offer and he will try to be at times, but it's doubtful he can sustain it.
Turn to your friends and family instead, they will offer you what you need whilst he is unable to. And so will we.
My xh used to say that he was frustrated the house wasn't selling but he cried when it did sell because it was so final! And cried again when he moved out some months after I did. But he took up with OW2 a couple of months afterwards.
Please read the MLC Resources thread and start to work towards detaching. It's a long, hard road but you will get there in the end.
The angry stage does pass but you will probably find he still wants to get away from his old life. He blames you and that life for how he is feeling so he thinks he needs to get away in order to find out what he really wants. He will carry his turmoil with him though, and he may well find out that the grass isn't greener but he does need to do that for himself.
How is your daughter doing? That must have been very scary.
Hugs
Jaybeexxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Hi Jaybee I'm not a newbie and posted a lot here when it first kicked off. H found out and posted a vitriolic post on here so I backed off and didn't post. However, today I just had to post - I don't know why. Possibly because my bestfriend is away on hols just know and she is my rock through all this. OW doesn't live in this country and they haven't seen each other in nearly 4 months but I guess that is enough to keep him going! I don't know if I am in pain or just p****d off and frustrated! lol. I have been detaching really well and most of what he does justdoesn't affect me. I do at least stand up for myself these days which makes me feel much better. Daughter is fast alseep upstairs and I'm off for a session in the gym - my one indulgence for me and I love it. Now she has the antibiotics she should be fine however she blacked out on Friday so were going to the Dr's about that later anyway! It never rains but it pours!
Oh yes, I remember you now. You know I have been her for over SO LONG, but I still like to revisit those old resources threads. They have helped to keep me sane, remind me it's not me, it's him!
Do you feel like you can keep posting now or do you still worry he will come back here to find you? Did you change your user name?
Great that you stand up to him, they do respect us more for that. We all have those meltdown days, especially when we are worried by family illness etc. AND your best friend was not around, that's always hard in a crisis. I don't know what I would have done without my best friend through all of this, she's a treasure.
I think you are probably right that ow is enough to keep him going. I think a lot of them just want a safety net (or two, including us) rather than committing to a new r.
Hugs
Jaybeexxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Thanks Jaybee. Interesting enough someone said to me today who knows him well that he doesn't think there is anything really going on with ow. Just a really good friend (with a side order now and again :-)) also that H knows there is no future in a relationship with her but maybe that is why he pursues it as it's safe. Also said that it seems like he has just given up on wanting a marriage.
We spoke on the phone about Snodderly's post on the MLCer wanting a simple life
I found the post
Quote: Snodderly (22/11/02) (11/22/02
I was thinking about the word "simple". Have you ever noticed how your darling little mlcer talks about having things simple, or wanting a simpler life? Well, if you think about it, they are talking about the days when they were young, free w/no obligations, and no one to answer to. What is so very sad about this is that they can't go back in time and be that young again. They are now adults w/obligations, i.e., spouse, family, house payment, car payment, debts and jobs. Life really is never "simple", it's what you make it. The mlcer that is traveling through time thinks that if he can get rid of everything, he/she will be free and have a "simple" life. No, no. It doesn't work that way. They create such a mess along the way and complicate things even more. They destroy marriages, families, their self respect, friendships, etc. They are out there spending to their heart's content, not even thinking about how they are going to pay their bills. They now have two residences to pay for and two "families" to maintain. The OW/OM is going to want more than a smile and pat on the back--they are going to want a good time which entails spending money, etc. The mlcer will either lose their jobs or they will quit them because they are too much for them to deal w/right now. They will take minimum wage positions just so that they have no responsibility, but it's never "simple" for them. "Simple" is an illusion or the brass ring that they can never catch. Just think about what they have to face when they do wake up from being Rip Van Winkles! If they think life was complicated before their journey, whew boy! It will be even more complicated when they wake up.
Thanks for that and every word rings home with me. He spends without a thought to the future or even tomorrow. When the house is sold he is going to use the money to pay off some of his debts but I don't see that he can stop running them up again! I miss the man I married. When I said he wasn't the man I married he said no I've changed he said you keep telling me you've changed (I don't!) but you haven't. His shoulder operation is tomorrow and it hurts that I won't be the one by his side and that she will be. Oh well I'll get over it.
It's 4am and I can't sleep. He goes in to hospital in a few hours for day surgery on his shoulder - ow/friend! is taking him. All I keep thinking is that if something should happen I might never see or speak to him again. I know it's silly. I really want to phone him and speak to him before his op. He is going to phone me afterwards and let me know what happened but that isn't the same. I don't even know what I would say to him. I can't bear the thought that I'm probabaly not even next of kin on his form. Someone give me a slap and tell me to stop being stupid. I'm not usually like this and keep pretty well detached but today ...
Ok so I decided to try and speak to H before he went for surgery and younger D and I left a voicemail. He phoned an hour later and hadn't picked up our messages he just wanted to tell me he was at the hospital and to thank me for continuing to pay his private health insurance so he could have the op. He rang again after the operation to tell me that he was in pain but fine and that it had been more complicated than they had envisaged. He said that I didn't have to worry about him anymore although he knew that was difficult for me! I said that as a friend I would worry and he said yes I know that is why you were the first person I called. He kept telling me not to worry about him and then said he would call later after the consultant had been. This has been a really hard day for me and I cried buckets which is the first time in ages. I just felt like I should have been there. I was a bit confused by the "I know this is difficult for you" comment but he had just come round after 3 hours of anaesthetic! Tonight (if he is discharged) he goes away with OW till she flies home next tuesday and then he goes to his sisters or at least that is the plan. All I know is that I would want to be at home tucked up in my own bed rather than with OW in some B&B or hotel.
