New to piecing & need some support

[fandgmom]

Hi all,

I usually post over in the MLC forum, but things have been positively changing so much that I think belong here also. It is good to be here, but scary nonetheless, as I am sure all of you are aware. I am going to copy my post from MLC in an effort to hopefully gain some insight and wisdom from those of you who think you might be able to help me along. I sincerely would appreciate it so much. (If you would like, you can read my previous threads which you can find in the link below)

Here goes:

I am so sorry I have not been around lately. I don't have many chances to get on here with H around so much. I wanted to post an update and let you know briefly what has been going on and also to get some insight. I feel like I am on my own without the much needed advice I was accustomed to receiving. It is hard being without you all!

My last thread locked, here's the link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1208869&page=4&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1&vc=1

I forget exactly where I left off when I was last on here, but I think I was about to confront H about the sex site again. I brought it up again, one morning when
we got into an argument because I accused him of trying to find out where I was going on the computer, blah, blah blah. He insisted that he has nothing to hide. That he wants me and only me. His actions (at least in my opinion) are showing alot. So I have since ceased ALL snooping. It's hard but I am doing it. (That is until tonight, lol) Didn't find anything tho. So I will go back to NOT snooping and trying to trust.

Anyway, last week and the week prior, he has been staying here ALOT more and overnight at least 5 out of 7 nights. Not coming here at midnight, drunk anymore. That has not happened since I last mentioned it on the board here. I get ILY's and IMY's ALL the time. And the affection (outside the bedroom) has been increasing with each day. I get kisses and hugs, whenever he gives them, in the kitchen, in front of the kids, etc... he is not so distant anymore and rarely ever seems "cold" like I noticed previously. Talks of our future happen constantly, initiated by him, not me. We are actively looking together for a new home. He brought an invitation home the other day, to a friend's wedding at the end of Sept. and he wants us to go (again, initiated by him, I didn't say a word b/c I honestly thought he was going to go without me -I look at this as a very positive sign b/c there will be ALOT of people we know that will be attending (which is also another story, b/c MOW and her H will be there, I think) And as I said, he is here ALOT. He spends alot of time here, with me and the kids now. ML is incredible. INCREDIBLE. Never been better. We are both so happy with that. And it's so much fun to just keep surprising him in that dept. We flirt ALL the time. We send text messages to each other, you know, naughty ones - we just have fun with it. I don't see very much of that distant man anymore, which is nice.

We went to the Zoo on Friday, all of us. It was really nice. Kind of our first family day trip outing since he has been coming back. I am keeping up with GAL still, I still make plans every weekend to go out with friends. H stays here with the kiddies while I go out. I'm still looking for work. I still do not pursue him. I do not initiate calls to him. I still let him come to me. I leave him alone. I do not question him.

Here's the tricky part. There is still this small part of me that is deathly afraid to be happy. A small part that keeps saying "yes, his actions and words are wonderful, but what if he still is planning on or sleeping with tons of women" I think his heart is in the right place but I am so afraid still. I really think and believe he wants us, he wants our M, he wants our family. I do believe that. But then there is this other part that says what if he does want all that, but is still not totally over this crisis and even though he is coming back, what if he has this sickness or something that makes him want to sleep with other women for the fun of it? I hate it! I hate having that feeling, as small as it is, it is there! For instance, tonight bothered me for some reason. I don't know why. Can't figure it out. He left this morning to do some work and then was going to see his brother. Our son asked if he was coming here to stay tonight and he said "well, I don't know. I'm not sure buddy. But I will definitely be here tomorrow early afternoon" So after he said that, I went over to him later and just said "I hope you know that I don't EXPECT you to stay here every night - I don't want you to feel obligated" He looked shocked that I said that. And he said "I don't feel obligated. Do you NOT want me to stay here or something?" I said "No, that's not it, I just want you to know that I do not expect it - I don't EXPECT anything anymore" He said "geez, it seems like you don't want me to stay here" and then I just dropped it because we were getting nowhere. Anyway...tonight he texts me at 9:45 -

H: I am going to stay up this way. Try to get some sleep. Sweet dreams."

Me: (20 mins later) K. Goodnight. Hope you have sweet dreams.

H: I hope so. My shoulder and neck and hip are all bothering me.

Me: Feel better.

H: Gee thanks.

Me: no response

H: Are you ok?

Me: Yes

H: You are being very short with ME.

Me: I am fine. really.

Me: Get some sleep and feel better.

H: Well fine.

Me: ?

H: I was just joking. Sweet dreams.

Me: U too.

I guess I got frustrated tonight because my wheels started turning and totally reading into his text message. Like, why did he say "I'm staying up this way tonight" instead of saying "I'm staying at my place" My mind is creating all kinds of crap that he said what he said and the way he said it. Plus, I didn't get any ILY's or IMY's like normal. Am I just reading too much into it?

Alright. That's enough for now. Thanks for listening to me everyone and again, I apologize for not being here. As I said, it's hard with H here so much.

Thank you in advance. I appreciate any and all opinions.

[cat03]

Am I just reading too much into it?

I'd nit pick everything my H said, and I got it totally wrong half the time, meaning. Don't be afraid, I'm also getting over that, wondering if he'll leave or not, what we are doing is "fortune telling" and making ourselves sick with something that we dont' know it's going to happen. Focus on the positive, wish I had that much reasurance, my H isnt affectionate w/me, barely, other than the occasional sx, not much on his end. Don't live in fear, dont' let it erode what you've worked so hard for, look back and see at the progress you've made--he's made.