This is a little off-topic, maybe, but is there anything I could do to help her look inward and examine her own actions? I doubt it will help our marriage at this point, but I'd like to think my son would benefit from it in the long run.
Sadly, there is nothing that you can do to make her do anything. Any self-examination must come of her own doing...given the space and time to reflect, she will likely do this on her own.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
This is a little off-topic, maybe, but is there anything I could do to help her look inward and examine her own actions? I doubt it will help our marriage at this point, but I'd like to think my son would benefit from it in the long run.
Yes, there is; do it yourself. Set an example both for her and your son.
I have been reading your back and forth with Rob. You seem like you are getting it and that's good because he's giving you some good advice. Just make sure you keep things focused on you. Anytime you find yourself thinking "How do I make her see...do...feel..." stop yourself. You can't MAKE her do anything but you CAN influence how she perceives you by making your own changes and making your OWN happiness in the midst of this crisis. It takes real strength to do that and it will speak to her on a level deeper than anything else you can do.
Thanks GH - it's very hard to read her due to the avoidance, and I can see clearly that she ignores and "interprets" good things, while leaping on any mistakes I might make and making them big - part of my confusion! If she's planning such an elaborate life with the OM, why bother with me at all?
Thanks GH - it's very hard to read her due to the avoidance, and I can see clearly that she ignores and "interprets" good things, while leaping on any mistakes I might make and making them big - part of my confusion! If she's planning such an elaborate life with the OM, why bother with me at all?
Well, the first thing to realize is that mistakes are relative and unless YOU consider something a mistake, what she thinks is irrelevant right now. That's part of shifting the focus from the obvious, the open wound that is your M, to the not-so-obvious, yourself.
When you do that, the confusion will subside a bit. Her "interpretation" is not necessary right now. She can interpret all she wants and likely she will misinterpret a lot of things as things you are doing to get her attention or to woo her when in fact, you are doing them for YOU. Sure, you DO want her attention and to woo her but it can't be your primary objective.
I have seen SO many people here only achieve real mile-stone type success in their sitch when they finally give up and say "f-her/him, I am done. I just want to move on with my life." The reason why it's at that point that so many people meet with success is because it's at that point when their actions stop being about how their WAS will react or perceive them and all about what they want to do on their own.
What I tell most people, and am telling you, is that DB attempts to get you to the point where you are making independent decisions that will benefit mostly you WITHOUT having to get to your wits end to do it. You can become self-centered (in a good way) without becoming hardened to your spouse. If you wait too long, and do it the hard way, i.e. waiting until things get so bad you have little choice but to react in self-preservation, then you stand less of a chance to recover your M if it's possible.
As for her "elaborate plans", that sounds like the mind of a WAS working, planning her perfect life that you and I know will never live up to the billing. Reality WILL creep in on that R sooner or later and though there are no guarantees in these things, it's probably going to loose it's luster. It's at that point when your successful detachment and DBing will play a huge role because she may begin to take stock and when she looks at you, all shiny and rejuvenated, on your way to self motivated, self sustained happiness, she MAY just want to see what's up and revisit something she once left for dead.
All I can say is that it's NEVER over really so don't pay her much attention when she says it is. Live day to day, enjoy your kids and grow with each breath.
I understand, and thank you (I'm saying that a lot to you guys, and I really mean it!). I suppose I'm guilty of wanting that "magic bullet" that will fix everything - as I read in Nicky's archived thread, it can take a loooonnnnggg time to have her pain subside, and I've got a life and a little boy to worry about. He calls me "Superman" because that's his favorite superhero - how can I not feel like the luckiest man alive, even with all this going on.
Back to the topic, here's how it went last night. She called me at work, saying that she was planning on being home for the evening, and would that be a problem? I'm not sure what she even meant, but I told her no problem. I assume she didn't want a big scene or "talk". I came home, spent a few minutes with my son, then went outside to mow the lawn. My boy came out and we played on the swing and sandbox, then he went in for his favorite TV show and I stayed outside, working on some projects until 8 or so, then went in, said goodnight to him, took my shower and came down to the living room. She asked me which of "our" TV shows on tape I wanted to watch, and we talked for a couple minutes about that. Not too much was said until nearly bedtime, where she said she would stay on the couch and I could have the bed. There was one shitty moment where the topic of boats came up on TV (she always wanted one and I didn't). She said "Boats - that's something I'll never have, but was never going to get anyway. How ironic that you get to spend time on the water and I don't". [I took my son out in the kayak on a local pond Sunday]. I didn't reply - at all - just said goodnight a few minutes later and went to bed. So how did I do? Any comments? I did resist the urge to apologize for the boat thing - I would have enjoyed it and wanted one if I was in some normal state of mind, but that creeping depression thing made everything seem so damn impossible to me - but I can't say that, because it sounds like an excuse. If anyone has any thoughts on her frame of mind, let me know - remember, the night before last she spent with OM.
I forgot one thing -the last year or so my son has had chronic ear infections, and I think he might be developing another. Have these sorts of thing added stress to a your situations or pulled you together?
I Haven’t been reading many post in the last years. Yours' caught my attention. I've been around a long time. Most of these WAW situations and outcomes are the same. Just change the names and the same crap comes out of their mouths.
There are no magic bullets or pills. Results will take many months to years. Most WAW's have made their minds up long before we see the symptoms. The harder you try to fix it the faster and further you will chase them away.
The responses you have received are on target. If you are to have even the remotest of chances, back off now and stay backed off. She has given up, but she is still in the house. That's huge.
I don't want to come across cold here, but reality must be recognized. Let her go, detach and devote your attention to your child.
Affairs are very painful and I would eat your pain in a heartbeat if I could. When a third party is involved, your wife will defend her "feelings" in any validating way possible. All the hurtful things that come from her mouth are to set you off as to justify her feelings and actions. If possible, because I realize you are human and will fail from time to time, do not react to her seemingly wanting to fight with you, because she does want to fight. She will set you up with an occasional nice moment only to blind side you with a boat remark/comment just to fire you up. This justifies her inappropriate behavior. Low self esteem, asking herself what life is all about and deserving more is on her mind. Not making your relationship work. There is no relationship in her world with you.
As far as being your fault, No it's not. This has been in the works for years; you just missed thae invisible silent memo. We are males and males need to hear words. Women expect you to see things that are not apparent and clear to males. That is when the list gets started. Once that list reached a length of no return, the mean, angry girl comes out and that is were you are now.
All you can do is be you, attempt to act as if you are OK with it and do not act weak, teary, begging, pleading etc. These signs of weakness will be the final nail to a divorce coffin.
If your mind and heart are in this deal, it will take years to work out. You need to ask yourself; Can I live the rest on my life with a women while I'm married to her and knowing she is/has been doing another guy. This is the most disrespectful, hurtful thing an adult human can to someone their married to. Believe me, I know the pain and I know the memories do not go away, ever. It just isn't the same again, even after years.
Your son is your life, love him and you’ll have that forever.
