I am finally learning the truth, but not from my H

[2ndChances5]

Hey LG. I think it's good that he is willing to be accountable via the keystroke logger.... but I think his being aware of it rules it out as a way for you to really determine anything. If he knows there is a keystroke logger, he will not do anything he doesn't want you to see on those computers. If he DID NOT know about the logger, then you'd have a real snapshot of his behavior... but with him knowing, you have a snapshot of what he wants you to know.

Which really is just the tip of the iceburg. I don't know that there are enough keystroke loggers, survellance, snooping, checking, etc to truly know what another person does. In some cases, you just teach them to hide things more cleverly.... but I'm not sure you can ever monitor or control another person's behavior.

Personally, once my trust has been betrayed, I need to at least "spot check"... to either find misbehavior, or hopefully good behavior. But spot checking is random, and it can't be expected or predicted by the other party or it's useless.

I know I resorted to snooping and checking on my ex once I did not trust him. Now, I wonder why I bothered. Because what I found did not make a difference in what I did! If I found him "innocent" I was not reassured, my trust was not restored. When I found more bad things, it was not enough to make me leave. Looking back now, if I had known I could never trust him again, I should have given up. And I should not have snooped unless my findings would determine action... ie if I had known that one more occurance was the final straw that would break the camel's back, and that I would leave if I found one more occurance... well then it would have had a purpose. But I'd find more, and it would lead to a confrontation, and to him hiding his sins more cleverly in the future.

I don't know what to suggest, but I don't think there is any way for you to totally monitor his behavior. And I don't think you are at a place where you can say that if he contacts one more woman/has one more inappropriate contact/whatever that you are out of there. I just see it as keeping you like a hampster on a treadmill; but going nowhere. I fear you will exhaust yourself, and not feel any better.

From a pratical point of view though, why bother with a keystroke logger that he knows is there?

[trustinginHim]

Hi WW-good to hear from you after all this time. Glad also that things are still going well for you and your H.

All I can say is that slowly it all went away as no more hiding and cheating were revealed.

I am really hoping that this will be the case with my marriage.

...when it is all said and done, you may have just plain wasted too much time in the worry mode.

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this, and I think I may have finally been able to turn it all over to the Lord.

My H came home from a men's meeting at church Monday night. One thing that was addressed at the meeting was whether or not the men were praying with their wives and reading their Bibles with their wives. Many of the men were not doing this, my H included.

He came home after the meeting and sat down with me and prayed for the first time with me, outloud and in my presence about the state of our marriage and the sins he had committed and was seeking forgiveness for. That spoke volumes to me.

I truly believe that what WE are supposed to learn from this are the lessons of ourselves, not of them.

Again, I agree with you. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me. I am occasionally blinded to remembering that all we do on this earth should be for eternal purposes and furthering God's kingdom. My behavior and postings of late have not been a good representation of that.
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LG -
just what explanation does H give for the lack of sex with you?

Ellie

Hello Ellie. Past excuses have been myriad and anything that he could come up with--too tired, too stressed, too full, too hungry, too busy, not interested, health issues, etc--you name it, he has used it--all this from a "former" high libido man. He also has been known to simply ignore my repeated attempts at initiation with no excuse given.

His most current excuse for not having sex with me has to do with how hurt I have been in the past month finding out details about his secret, double sex life, that has been ongoing throughout the past year of reconciliation and he is waiting until he thinks I am comfortable with having sex with him again.

I am considering talking with him about choosing two days of the week for the two of us to have mandatory intimacy time. Not mandatory sex, but mandatory uninterrupted time that we set aside to focus on ourselves and relearn who we are and the rebuilding of our relationship and marriage. If sex happens, well, that will be nice too. And the intimacy time doesn't have to be limited to twice a week, it can be more often, but I would like AT LEAST two days a week of intimate time spent together.

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Hi SC,

As usual, your words speak much sense to me. I have done some intense thinking lately and have decided that I really am not interested in snooping and checking up on my H. If he really wants to change, he needs to want do it on his own.

Tuesday I sat down and destroyed all the recently discovered evidence from the past month or so that I was in possession of or had access to regarding his philandering lifestyle. Doing so gave me much peace. I think I have reached a point finally to stop focusing on my H and instead concern myself with me, my lessons learned, and my growth and healing from this experience. I just would like continued peace in my life and for this crazy rollercoaster ride that I have been on too long to finally stop and let me get off.

LG

[trustinginHim]

I sat down and talked with my H about rebuilding our intimacy with each other. He was most decidedly dubious and extremely ambivalent about it all. He finally agreed when I was able to convince him that I was not forcing him to have sex with me, but instead to just spend quiet, uninterrupted time with me.

We spent the first 'scheduled' time together rather pleasantly and H got into it to an extent and we actually --his idea. Afterward, my H opened up to me about things like he hadn't in many years. That led to an impromptu and unscheduled time the next day that also led to . I was elated! The idea of a schedule seemed to work!!

Then the next scheduled day rolled around later in the week. My H made himself busy that day and then it got to be too late and then he was just too tired. Same old excuses. I tried to remain positive and look forward to some impromptu, unscheduled time, or even the next scheduled time. Unfortunately, the next scheduled time fell on a day that he traveled, so nothing happened, at least with me anyway.

Time passed and another scheduled day rolled around. My H had not come to bed until 4 am the previous night after falling asleep in his recliner, and by morning I was pretty grumpy, but I pulled myself out of it by mid-day. I fixed my H a really nice supper, did what I could think of to please him and set the mood, but nothing. He then fell asleep in his recliner until well after midnight.

So that is my attempt at 'mandatory' scheduled intimacy time with my H. I don't think I am going to even bring it up again. I am fully aware of where his heart is, and it is not with me right now. I am trying to understand what it is I am to learn from all this, but I seem to have a bit of a mental block about it. I am working on waiting patiently for the answers though.

I grieved privately about it a few days ago, marveling at the thought, planning, energy and extent he used to go to to have some type of sex (physical, phone, cyber, etc.) with his OWomen on a DAILY basis for years, cried because he can't or won't put a small percentage of the same effort into our marriage (at least at this time) and have since let it go. I really try to remember it is not about me and it is all about him, but it gets pretty difficult sometimes for me.

I am trying to refocus on the acting 'as if' strategy and today has actually been a good day for me.

The rest of my time has been spent in preparation for the care of my MIL after her upcoming cholangiocarcinoma surgery. And yes, I am fully aware of the impact this could be having on my H regarding his lack of interest in intimacy with me.

MIL's docs have cleared her for up to an 8+ hour surgery to be performed May 6th, then after a 7-10 day hospital stay, she comes home with me and H in mid to late May. I will care for her 24/7 in our home for at least the next 2-3 months post-surgery. My H's D16 will arrive to also stay with us for the months of June and July--her usual summer visit. With all that soon to be going on, I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that intimacy with my H would be pretty much non-existant anyway, scheduled or not. I am grateful for the distractions I will have.

LG-looking forward to doing some yard work this evening and reading a new book later.

[trustinginHim]

An opportunity presented itself and I was able to talk to my H about the failure of our scheduled intimacy time. He said he had noticed 'we' had not followed through with it as previously discussed and proceeded to give me several excuses as to why it had happened. I responded by saying how none of the excuses he had just given me had mattered in the past if he wanted sex or to simply be with another woman for whatever reason. No excuse--nothing, could have stopped him then. He agreed with me, but said that it was his addiction to the sex/intimacy that drove him to behave in that manner. Now that he is recovering from the addiction, he just doesn't have the drive that he used to. And that was pretty much the end of the discussion.

Interestingly, he later asked me to accompany him on his travels for his job next week, since he would be leaving Tuesday and not returning until Thursday to pick me up to go with him for his mother's surgery Friday, then not to return again until Sunday. I agreed to go, but I had no idea if he had anything in mind or why he wanted me to accompany him unless it was in an effort to keep him accountable during his travels. So I told him I could not be his Holy Spirit about all this even though I have recently and wrongly tried to, and he was just going to have to learn to be accountable on his own. He agreed, and he went on to say that he simply wants my company on his trip since we wouldn't see each other much next week if I didn't go with him. So I happily agreed, but have no expectations. I expect that I should be able to get a lot of reading and relaxing done.

LG--keeping the "acting as if" strategy in mind and I think I am feeling a lot better

[trustinginHim]

After much thought, tears, prayer, research, consideration, etc., I have decided to stay in my marriage with a recovering sex addict, for better or for worse. I have accepted and admit that I am a recovering codependent of a sex addict and need just as much help/therapy, if not more at times, than my H with his sexual addiction. I guess my point is that my time on the DB board is coming to an end.

Did I bust my divorce? Yes, in a roundabout way I suppose. And (pardon) what a long, strange trip it has been!!

I have located some fine resources on the internet and other materials to help me on my continued healing journey and have started what seems to be a mountain of reading and learning and coping. I am feeling pretty darn good again.

My H continues on his own path of healing and recovery. He has enlisted several men from church to help him with his accountability. He reads his Bible every evening and prays unceasingly. He and I are starting to spend more time in prayer together. His spirituality and reliance on the Lord is growing and I can see it, which reassures me mightily. And he finally conceded that he needs to make a point of working on intimacy with me, scheduled or not. It is all part of OUR recovery from this.

The Lord has showered my H and I with many blessings and I can only pray that it has been due to our growing faith and obedience to Him because we most certainly are not worthy. My focus now is to keep my eyes on Him and REMAIN obedient. It is the least that I can do.

My MIL made it through her surgery last week with flying colors! She was also able to keep her ENTIRE liver. She merely lost her bile duct and gall bladder. Her lymph nodes and other organs had pathology that showed clear margins so the cancer as far as we can tell has not spread. I am still looking forward to caring for her when she is discharged from the hospital soon.

I have a busy summer ahead of me, no, make that a busy life. I thank all of you who have posted to me in the year and a half that I have been here. I did not post much on other threads and I apologize for that, but was an avid lurker. I wish all of you that read this much success and many blessings in all your endeavors.

LG--thinking FINALLY that she is no longer lost

[2Timothy_2_23]

LG,

Your journey and dedication are an inspiration to me - thank you so much, and accept my apologies for dropping off the BB the last several months. Your electronic friendship has been more important than I'll ever be able to explain.

If you're still checking the BB, I'd appreciate you checking out my latest update(s).

plk's new thread in Piecing

plk

[2Timothy_2_23]

LG, your journey is not over - "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

There is a saying in wrestling that
"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

I'm so sorry to see your username. I pray that you will be able to change it again soon.

plk