Well, here is Thread #4. I thought we'd be further along by now, but nobody said this would be easy!
In a very small nutshell:
- W moved out at Xmas.
- She has since told me that she had no plans of coming back.
- Since Feb 7 we have been trying hard to get back to where we can move back in together.
- She is still in "her" apartment.
- We get along very well.
- She has her ups and downs, going from wanting to move back home, to wanting nothing to do with me.
- I have been patient.
- We date.
- We have sleepovers.
- We ML semi-regularly.
- I have a DB coach, Joann. She is great.
- I am DBing my arse off, and waiting to see what happens!!
More to follow.......
So here is what's coming.
Tonight:
Going by myself to a rock concert. W is semi-amazed that I would do this alone. She sent me an unsolicited email about 2 hrs ago, saying simply "Enjoy your retro concert!!"
Tomorrow:
She is coming over in the morning to accompany me to my yoga class. I have been doing yoga for 3 months, she wants to get back into it, so I suggested she come with me. She accepted, then later said "maybe I'll pack a bag and stay with you this weekend". Major reaching out on her part...but I need to be cooooool about it. Maybe go shopping for fresh food, and cook it together, with a bottle of wine and some jazz on the stereo...we both love that, and I forced us away from it over the past few years. Don't know why....
Sunday:
Who knows? It remains to be seen if she backs out of staying overnight Saturday. If so, I will absolutely not let her see disappointment from me. I will say "no problem...when you're ready".
I really just want to hang with her, watch some movies, even do things away from her while she's at the apartment. No pressure, just poke our heads into each other's tents for a little while!
I did send her a "Dobson Letter" a week and a half ago. Basically releasing her from any so-called obligation to return to our home and our marriage. She took it well, and we have talked about it somewhat, and I think it has ultimately helped the situation.
So this weekend could be a turning point...or not. Stay tuned!
Mink
Good luck this weekend. I hope you have a great time. What band will you be seeing tonight?
Is there a sort of template for this Dobson Letter? I've seen references to this all over these BBs but when I Google it I come up empty.
Thanks,
Jen
Jen, I am working totally from memory, but it went something like this:
"Dear W:
Thank you for the call yesterday. You have really helped me get to a different mindspace. I did not realize that you have been thinking of this for the past 12 years...it must have been terrible to carry that around for such a long time. I realize I have no right to assume how you feel, after all they are your feelings, not mine.
I do not want you back in our marriage if you are truly not "in love" with me. It is unfair to both of us.
I prefer that we are together. But at this point it sounds impossible. So, I will not stand in your way if you want to move on. I will no longer expect you to come back, and I don't want you to feel that you have to.
I hope that we will continue to, as always, have a deep and soulful friendship. I will always be there for you.
Much love, MM"
When I clicked "SEND", I lost my breath. But I knew something had to be done to break the dynamic of the past few months. It was moving in the right direction, but she knew beyond a doubt that I would wait for her...there was no challenge. With the Dobson Letter, now there was doubt. Maybe I wouldn't wait. Maybe I would be the one to walk.
We talked about it on Saturday night, as I gave her a nice foot rub. She said "well played". I said, "I didn't play anything...that is how I felt at the time, and that is how I feel now". I continued rubbing her feet. She said, "no, I don't mean you 'played' me...but you knew I wouldn't see this as a release, as a get out of jail free card...you knew I'd stay put". I said "no I didn't...that's why it's more important than you might realize". She said "well, you have set me free, and here I am, still here". I said "yep...and me too".
We both commented on how we could have such a deep and potentially relationship-ending discussion in a calm, loving manner, while I gave her a foot massage. If anyone would have told me a year ago that we could do this, I'd tell them they were on crack!
So...we have made huge progress i think...we just need to get back under the same roof to take it to the next level.
Mink,
By now you know me and my sitch well.
Do you think I am at the point where I should be sending a Dobson letter? Please respond on my thread if you would be kind enough. I am sick and tired of her telling me she does not love me anymore. It may be time to push back.
Treeman
Treeman, only you know that for sure. I would hate to advise someone to do this, and have it blow up in their face. I will have a look on your other thread now.
MM
Thanks Mink. I think it is time. I am there. This is really hard but I feel that I am really growing as a person. A much better person at that. I had 5 people tell me how great I look yesterday, that make me feel really good. Body is good, now I need to work further on my mind.
Thanks for being there and let us know how tonight goes.
Now I see why you were sensitive about my note about "playing" it well. That was unsensitive of me and a bad choice of word.
Well, just as I thought...she just called, has to skip the yoga class because she is running late due to unforeseen circumstances (send-off party last night for a co-worker, had to leave car at work). She is also not spending the night. Arrgghh. I said "that's fine, no worries, I understand". She said she needed to do some grocery shopping and she would be here after lunch. I ended the call with an "OK, I'll see you after lunch then".
So I thought about it and decided to go on the defense. I called her back and said "would you rather just take the weekend off and not get together? I'm totally fine with that. I don't want you to feel that you need to come over just because you said you were going to".
She said "no, no, I still want to come over, I just can't make it in time for yoga".
"OK, just checking...I'll see you later".
Whatever. I'll just stay the course.
Oh, and right at the start of the call, she asked how I enjoyed my concert last night.
She is paying attention to my GAL activities.
But, her pulling back is (once again) not a good sign. We have been here before...I know what I need to do. Be cool, agree with her, don't show disappointment, ZERO R TALK, be a friend.
I will suggest that we watch a couple of movies today...she has been living with no TV since mid-January, I think she may enjoy it.
Alright Mink, you are back in DB business!
I love the way that you are playing this sitch, keep up the good work and no back-sliding.
She is testing you and you are passing with flying colors. You were over doing it a bit with the phone call about taking the weekend off, but you came out ok.
THINK --- DE-FENSE, DE-FENSE, DE FENSE
Hound taught me that from his college football days.
I can tell you that "piecing" is not piece of cake! LOL
What happpens is that the WAS starts to give more control to the LBS (you). The trap is now set.... you begin starting to feel like alpha-male again and BANG... welcome back to the old you!
Be cool... be a little distant... no whining... don't be too available. NO R TALK!
KEEP DBing... KEEP DBing.... KEEP DBing....
DE-FENSE, DE-FENSE, DE-FENSE!
Well, ONCE AGAIN, this defies all logic and/or explanation. I can't wait for my next coaching call!
W called me 2 or 3 times during the morning to say she was running late, and to give me an update on when she would be over.
"Take your time, there's no rush" was all I said.
When she arrived, I was sitting in the sunroom reading, music was playing...she was in good spirits...hug and kiss.
We did a few small chores together, then she said "I could use a glass of wine". So I opened a bottle, then we just sat on the couch and talked...and talked...and talked.
The same dynamic started. She said..."MM, when I am with you, I feel soooo good. I see your changes and my changes, and I see how good we can be. Then the next day I start 2nd-guessing everything again. It drives me nuts."
So here's what I said to her.
"Think of yourself as a huge ship. You have left the broken-down home port and are heading full steam ahead to somewhere you hope is better, maybe you only heard it was better, but it's a bit of an unknown. It's been underway for a long time and you are halfway to your destination. However, now you have noticed that the place you left has changed while you've been gone. Now it might be everything you dreamed you wanted. You decide you want to check it out. But that entails turning this big ship around. It has momentum, and it is really huge....I think that is where you are right now, turning the ship around, and it's hard".
I know, it's a bit wordy and corny, but I really said all that to her. She loved it. She said wow, what a great analogy...it just takes time to turn the ship around.
I said "That's right...so take your time. There is no rush on any of this".
We killed the bottle of wine, watched a movie, ordered pizza, and ended up in bed <insert x-rated activities here> and she did end up spending the night after all.
We had breakfast and a pot of coffee, watched the sun rise, and talked a bit. I asked her how she felt this morning, "I don't know", she said. I said, "well I'm not pushing you for anything at all...just take your time". She nodded.
She left about 15 minutes ago, and I don't even feel sad. This will work out as it should, and I simply enjoyed spending the time with her.
Mink ---- This is awesome!! You are becoming a DB king!
One suggestion... this morning... asking her "How do you feel??"
WAY TO DANGEROUS!! Avoid those types of convos.
As you know, I am home. I am completely avoiding all R talk and questions such as the above. If she wants to tell me how she "feels" she can do that, I am not going to ask.
I am breaking the spell of co-dependency.
2 weeks from tomorrow we had down to the Caribbean! All I need to do is make it until 3/31. Once we get down there, I will do my thing and everything will be cool.
Fish
Thanks for the advice, Fish...I know I shouldn't have asked how she felt, but we had a long (and often humorous) convo last night about how "the better things are when we are together, the more she wigs out over the next day or two".
So I was giving her a little jab there.
Hey, we must be moving forward...she didn't even ask to wash her car this time!!! (inside joke)
Mink - Take your time, enjoy your space and freedom. You have the best of all worlds right now, enjoy it.
Fish
I hear what you are saying about the pull-back. I see that with my W now. We get real close for a few days and then there is a pullback. That's ok, playing it cool, enjoying time with the kidlet and it's nice to be back in the house.
Later
The thing is, I expect, and I am ready for the pull-back!! My DB coach Joann said it will happen nearly every time while my W is in this confused state, and is perfectly normal. She called it the "chameleon effect". When things go really well, it will be followed by a period of doubt, coolness etc. That is exactly how it happens with us. So I need to have faith that following Joann's advice will give us our best chance.
Here's some more mild DBing in action for you:
I am selling my Bowflex machine because where I work has a pro gym room. I put it on Craigslist, got lots of bites, just finished selling it and the guy left with it.
So W phoned about 15 minutes ago..."I forgot to ask you, any action on your Bowflex?"
"Oh yeah, it's sold, guy just took it".
"What! You never phoned me!!"
"Oh...sorry. Well anyway, it's gone, you should see how big the spare room looks now!"
We had a really nice, upbeat convo, and she told me she was going to spend the rest of the aft reading her book, I said "well have an awesome afternoon, see you soon!"
In the past, I would have told her everything as it happens. This is a 180 for me, I think it surprised her a little
Nice work Mink! I am so happy you had a great weekend! Mine was also very nice.
Cheers
True to form, I just talked to her on the phone. She is cool and calm, the spark in her voice is not there.
It was a 2 minute call, just asked her for a phone number...I got out of the call quickly, as per my instructions from my DB coach ("when she is distant, end the interaction ASAP").
Totally 'chameleon effect' (see 2 posts back). I'm glad I now understand what that is. I won't take it personally.
We must have had a really good time this weekend, for her to be so distant!
Since I was brought into this sitch through my defense lesson I will share the logic for you Mink:
Me hopes you are a football fan....
When playing offense you always know where you are going right? The play is designed to work a certain way based on some accepted conditions. If those conditions are different you still know what you are doing and where you are going because you have practiced the contingencies. So for our spouses they "know" what they are doing they are leaving us for whatever reason. Me thinks that the reasons in all of these sitches are very similar which I think is scary!
Anyhow, they "know" what they are doing and act accordingly. In your case W "knows" she wants out but you are slowly changing the conditions and she is trying to audible out of the primary and work on secondary contingencies. Problem is she has not contingencies to fall back on so she jumps back and forth on the plan. She's with you - then against you - she's close then distant she has no game plan.
You however, can have a gameplan that offers piece of mind and "control" regardless of her actions. Defense is the name of the game... she can only respond a limited number of ways to any given stimuli. Some will tell you that the responses are infinite, but I have really strong feelings about the fact that there are limited responses and I have gone so far as to suggest that there are only 3 types of responses with multiple sub-catagories (that is another lesson).
So here is how it is done...
1) Determine the down and distance: in every interaction what could be the forseeable goal for each party?
2) What can you do to prepare yourself for every possible decision that she will make based on D&D? In the example above you have played it perfectly by knowing the D&D is her chameleon effect and knowing that she will likely pull back afer an intimate evening.
3) Act upon the probable outcomes of her decision. Again, I am certain that there are really only three main responses to any stimuli:
A) Acceptance and concurrence
B) Anger and rejection
C) Ambivilence
So for each offensive move plan for your reponse based on the knowledge that one of the above will occur. If you have a plan for each you will be less stressed and more able to make sound decisions that will not prohibit your DB progress or direction.
I know where you are right now! I was so there and it is confusing, but if you eliminate the stressors for yourself and help lessen those for your W you will be better in the long run!
Good luck!
Hound,
First of all, THANK YOU for taking the time to help. It is appreciated.
I will read and re-read your post, and keep it in mind for every interaction we have.
I have a DB call tomorrow at 5:00AM, I will hopefully get a revised plan from Joann as well.
The absolute hardest part of all of this for me (and this sounds so lame) is that I have trouble convincing myself that calling/emailing/texting is a bad thing. Even though, when I do it, she responds badly! Every time! I can't seem to learn. In the back of my mind I am saying "she has to know that I am still here, and I love her, and support her".
But I also know that she sees my constant initiating of contact as an act of desperation. Mild desperation, but desperation nonetheless. And that doesn't help me or her, does it??
Always contacting her is, I realize, for
ME, not her. And that
IS weak, not strong.
Today, besides the 2 min phone call to get a phone number (I tried to find by Googling, but it's unlisted) I have not contacted her at all. And I won't.
This will be noticed by her. Even more so, if I don't do it for 2 days. Or three.
So, a good 180 for me, don't you think?
PS: My coach told me that it's not uncommon for her to recommend no contact for 2-3 weeks...she says it's unlikely any harm will come from that.
I would definitely have a hard time with that one!!!
No way could I have gone 3 weeks without contact. Logistically it would not have worked and as much as I preach the DB lessons, I sometimes was not the best at following my own advice!
Also, my sitch was somewhat unique and I think that a long lay off in contact would have been very bad for us. I too did DB coaching and while I appreciated the communication, I think that much of what we do to save our marriages comes from seeing what is going on around us and reacting accordingly.
I think that our marriages suffer in this world because we fail to act on the stimuli that stress the marriage both positive and negative! In my case it was lots of negative stimuli that I put on the marriage, but there was no reaction from either of us. She looked the other way, and I ignored that I was not behaving as an adult!
Same goes for any string that you read, we get so insulated that we can't see the forest through the trees.
Me thinks that any 180 is a good 180 as long as it is completed with the focus of changing the dynamic that put your marriage behind in the first place. Doing a 180 for the sake of difference is a death blow because if YOU do not believe in the new behavior you will not sustain it!
Good luck!
Hmmm, food for thought...
She has said to me "you can't go a day without emailing me, can you?". Said in a nice way, but said nonetheless.
Today when I called her, the first thing she said "oh, so you're making sure not to email me!"
I'm not sure how to read her. And I sure don't want to ask.
My gut tells me that going a couple of days without contact would be seen positively by her, and I would feel better knowing I can do it.
Try something, monitor results, change if necessary. Right out of the DR book....
I had the same issue, she would tell me that I was trying not to communicate with her or that I was playing games. Nonetheless, it always created positive conversation....
Good comments, hound. Here is what I think.
This 180 would show her that I am not needy (or at least make her wonder...). I looked back through old emails, going back 2 years. There were multiple times when I would go 2, 3, 4 days with no emails sent or received. I was very surprised to see that.
These days, when I am feeling "not so secure", I have been emailing/phoning/texting, or responding to hers, up to 10 times per day. Bad Mink!!!
In addition, I feel like I need to keep in touch...I REALLY feel it. I feel like she's slipping away, when in reality, the more I do this, the more it actually WILL push her away.
So, actually, this constant keeping in touch is new (needy) behaviour. Casually contacting her is the way I used to be, which to her is more normal.
Does this make sense?
She comments on it, which tells me it's important.
As my DB coach says: "Every time she comments on an aspect of your relationship, she is telling you how to get through to her".
I just need to be listening.
Minkerman
I have been following your sitch for a while now as it is similar to mine , however I think you are a bit more advanced in the process.
I do enjoy the approach you have and with hound working with the try it and monitor results process.
The contact thing has been an issue for me as well. In my case W does enjoy the contact by TXT but I think it has become too easy for her.
I think you can relate to this . Your W can relax a bit because you are assured to contact her and this will be of comfort to her even if she says its not.
If she realy wants the contact then I think she will work for it .
This 180 would show her that I am not needy (or at least make her wonder...).
Exactly , I would still respond to her contact , but thats my take on it as non response could be seen as a negative. However the response should just be friendly but dealing with the issue.
If she does cantact for friendly banter then I would respond accordingly and play. The idea is to get her in the habit of contacting you and rewarding that action.
Thats my plan to try , I will be watching with interest .
Dave
If she realy wants the contact then I think she will work for it .
This is an important point, I think. I am trying to stay quiet tonight.
Thanks for looking in, Dave.
Well I got through the day without emailing her. That's something, I suppose!
So what happened? She just called me. She needed to ask me if I could do a favor for her friend and husband, related to my work.
She was in good spirits, as was I.
Sidebar:
We are having Easter dinner on Sunday, at her parents' place, along with the whole family.
I mentioned in the call that I had a couple of her things that she had asked me to look for, and had put them in the trunk of my car. "I'll give them to you next time I see you" I said. "Well, that would be on Sunday", she said. "Oh yeah, of course" I said calmly, as my heart pounded out of my chest.
What she is really saying: "I don't want to see you between now and Sunday" even though it's a long weekend.
Whatever. Sheesh! We've been here before, I just hate being stalled like this. Maybe not seeing each other is a good thing. It really seems like she is testing me to see what I will do or say. But that seems crazy.
I will probably make plans of my own, maybe even go out of town.
Arrgghh, this is hard!
Well, I just have a couple of minutes before I hit the shower.
Just finished my 2nd coaching call with Joann...once again, very affirming, and really helps my PMA!
I spoke for about 10 minutes on W and I's last 2 weeks of interaction, and Joann told me all of this is totally normal. The way W is acting, responding, feeling, things she is saying...totally normal. How I feel about not contacting her, how I always feel like pushing when things are going well...totally normal. The "chameleon approach", where W gets really cool and distant after we have had a really nice, deep weekend together. All normal and predictable.
Anyway...I have homework!
- I must be consistent in everything I do (GAL, how I talk to her, etc)
- I need to let her do some of the work. How? By doing LESS at my end.
- I need to let HER bring up R talk, especially when it concerns the future
- When she does talk about the future, don't bite, be cool and friendly but not eager
- I need to suggest not seeing each other (like I did this past weekend)
I will do this by (once again trying at least) not contacting her. When I have done this in the past few weeks, she has always come to me. Joann thinks this is an excellent sign.
I should not be as "available" (like Fish tells me). Be vague about what I'm up to.
BTW, my "Dobson Letter" appears to have been a good idea to shake things up in our dynamic. I am less predictable.
How will I know I am seeing progress?
1. She will contact me more than vice versa.
2. She brings up the future now and then when we talk.
I always feel really good after a coaching session. I just have trouble implementing sometimes. Stick to your guns and you will be fine. Nice work Mink.
Well I got through today with only one very quick (15 seconds!) phone call, initiated by me, but necessary.
It was too short to attach a "mood" to it, but we both laughed at one point, so I at least got a positive out of it!
great stuff
Its realy hard this no contact thing. I contacted W last night with a flimsy reason so I am not doing so well at it
Watching with interest
Tonight we talked on the phone for 16 minutes. What a nice call. Both of us were really happy and upbeat, just two people catching up on each other's days.
My DB coach Joann said to not initiate contact all the time; however whenever I do have her on the phone, try throwing out a few things and monitor how it goes. She says it's like fishing, throw something out and see if you get a nibble...or a bite.
If not, don't throw it out again. Try something different.
So that's what I did.
Backstory:
I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow morning with a VP of a company I am interested in possibly working for. W asked if I would jump at the opportunity if something looked promising in our meeting. I said, possibly, but I am also exploring 3 opportunities in Phoenix which look intriguing.
She said "Oh MM, I know I've always talked about Arizona, but I really don't think I could live where it's 120 degrees".
BAM!! Did she just say what I think she said??
That was an "US" statement if I ever heard one!
I know we shouldn't over-analyze everything our W's say...but that was a biggie.
Now I am going to bed, and I feel very good about our phone call!
Brilliant
Funny how this stuff slips out .
Now Keep expectations in check ..you know that anyway .
Dave
Well I had my meeting with the VP...went very well, looks like a career change will be happening a few months from now!
W's office is directly across the street from where I had the meeting (as fate would have it). So I called and said "come down the elevator, I'd rather talk to you about this than discuss on the phone".
She was really happy, we had a nice talk, she said "wow, you have to wait for December for this to play out?"
I saw my opportunity....
"Well if nothing else, you know that I can be patient, and I'm good at waiting!" I said, and we both had a good laugh.
Just before I said goodbye, she opened her arms and gave me a huge hug. So nice.
When I got back to the office, this email was waiting:
so happy for you!!
hopes and dreams - that's what it's all about isn't it?I responded:
Yes it is. It’s nice to have hopes and dreams and see that potential can be realized if you just put yourself out there.
I am extremely happy with the way I presented myself today, would not change a thing.
Thanks for your support W.
Good feelings all around! MMRight then, i received a phone call from the leader of a rock band I wanted to audition for. They want me to come in and play with them a week Friday! So I emailed W:
Auditioning for lead guitar/harmony vocals in a rock and roll cover band next Friday night.
The leader just called me and we went over song lists, skill levels, expectations etc.
It’s a professional paid gig situation.
Didn’t know “putting myself out there” was going to be so much fun! :-) She came right back:
I thought this was supposed to be about me? :-P
Talk about getting trumped!! Too cool!She sees I am getting on with doing stuff for ME. I'm sure she is scratching her head and wondering what's gotten into me!
This is a good day. My GAL is unfolding and giving me something to do as well as being a creative outlet for my artsy fartsy side
MM this is good stuff.
Wow! You are doing so well!
Jen
She just called to ask me a couple of questions about her laptop, and a program that she wanted installed on it.
W: "I guess I'll just bring my laptop to Easter dinner at Mom's, and you can install it then?"
Me: "Sure, sounds good" I said. "So you wanna do anything between now and then?"
W: "Well it just sounds like you are so busy".
Me: "I'm going out with friends tonight and I have another thing tomorrow...but Friday is a holiday, maybe we can grab dinner or something".
W: "Yeah, that sounds nice"
Me: "OK, I'll be in touch"
Like my DB coach says...throw little things out there and see how she responds. If badly, don't do it again. This was a good response. But it is 2 days from now....a LOT can happen in 48 hours!!
Go mink!
Bad day for Treeman!
Another email from W this morning,
You're doing some amazing things and amazing things are happening for you!!
I'm so happy for you and also very proud of you!
The music thing - now that you're not on a boat every weekend......hmmmm, kinda making this shift a little easier isn't it? One passion for another. Curious though, the one you are now going to explore is a childhood dream come true! Authentic or what? Maybe we should sell our shares at CB. What do you think? That could help pay for the remainder of my schooling.
Do you want some company tonite?
I responded "sounds good - call me later re where/when to pick you up"
This was a major reaching-out gesture from her. She rarely initiates us getting together. We'll see how it goes. I just wish she would start to talk about reconciling more.
I have decided that next time we have an R talk, I am going to propose that we "ease" into moving back together, because in reality I am a bit scared too. By that I mean, stay together for 3 nights, stay apart for 3-4 days...just to get a feel for each other again. And to show her it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition.
...and the beat goes on...;)
thats a good idead MM. after this time apart you realy do need this time to see were you both mesh. moving in now is just as big a step as when you guys first moved in. in a way your both strangers and are relarning the dail paterns of eachother.
Hey Mink,
Just dropped by to see the latest on how things are going. Seems like you're doing a super job in putting yourself out there, as you say. Congrats on the career options! I'd say W. is definitely reaching out in some significant ways. That balancing act of not too little, not too much in response is pretty damn tricky sometimes, isn't it?
You're doing great and I understand the part where you say you feel some fear re: more time together as well as wanting it very much.
Hang in there and stay level. You can do this.
Purr
Mink would you read page 5 and 6 of my thread? would you say i gave her a dobson? keep up the work my friend. i see you in the DB hall of fame real soon!!
Last night didn't go all that well. We went to "her"place (I hate saying that), had a couple glasses of wine, then ordered in some Thai food. had a nice dinner and, as always, she started up the R talk.
She said "I feel I am just getting started on this journey...I think it's going to take a while yet. If you are waiting for me to come home in the next little while, it's not going to happen".
I said "I told you that I am not waiting for you to come home...the door is open, sure, but I may move on as well. It's not what I want, but it may end up that way".
She went on to tell me a few more interesting things, some are repeats:
- She thinks I am a 'catch'
- She thinks I will hook up with someone soon because I am tired of her drama
- If I do, she totally understands
- She initially thought she would be happy for me if I move on, but now says she would be devastated
- She feels 'panic' at the thought of losing me
- She thinks that I started my journey of change and self-discovery the day she left me; she feels she is just starting hers now, and feels like she is 'catching up'
- She is utterly convinced that she needs to do this alone, not with me (I do understand that, somewhat)
- I asked her if she feels that I am applying any pressure at all to her, she said no (this is good)
I told her I have no plans to date at this time, other than her. My hope is that we can get back together, so for now I'm just working on myself and my own life.
She asked if I was staying overnight, I said "yup". We just slept, no sex or fooling around.
At 8am I downed my coffee, gave her a hug and kiss and said see ya later. I didn't feel like hanging around.
Hi MM,
Just popping in. Interesting. I haven't been keeping up as well as I was, so this may be off point, but.... :-D
You asked her if she felt that you're applying any pressure. You are. You say you may move on if she takes too long. That's pressure.
Do you really mean it? Do you want to move on? I think it's important to know that you can. I think it's normal to say to yourself "I'll give her 6 more months, and then maybe think about going my own way" )and after 6 months maybe giving another 6 months, or not - if you have really reached the end and are ready to move on.
But you don't need to tell her. Especially not more than once. She heard you. Don't play any power/control games with her. She'll resist, pull back. She doesn't want to be coerced into anything.
I'd advise laying off on the timelines, 'threats', etc. Yes, you're GALing is good and having a great affect, you are a catch, but she wants to know, needs to know, that you are there for her and support her. Unconditional love. Your actions could come across as "I'll love you only if you a) come back home b) recommit to me, etc... "
She needs to know that you love her, will forgive her, will not make her pay for the rest of her life, your relationship, for leaving. She needs to know that you find her attractive, want to be with her.
What's your DB coach say about this?
Thanks for checking in, LN. I always appreciate your insight.
We did talk this morning after I was back home and I told her that I am not going to get into a relationship with anyone, I am SO not ready for it. I am concentrating on me, and that is my goal right now.
When I say I 'may move on', I am truly looking far down the road. I have been patient and will continue to be patient with my sweetie. But I am no longer waiting for the phone to ring, or an email to come in...which is healthier I think, for both of us. This is what she told me makes her feel less pressure. That I'm not pining for her.
I told her I completely understand where she is on her journey, and that the door is open anytime she wants to come back. In the meantime, I will just enjoy the life of a married bachelor.
I told her last weekend that there would be no repercussions if we reconciled, there is no way I would hold any of this against her.
We are getting together tomorrow to empty out our boat, which is now up for sale. Should trigger a few emotions....
I will take your comments to heart, thank you.
MM,
So when she says she thinks she needs more time, maybe that's all it is. It's all about her, and nothing you can do or say will speed it up. Out of your control, let it go, be patient.
Then, when she gets herself figured out, and you've got your GALing in high gear, you both can work on how to merge these two wonderful new people without losing what you've gained. Sounds tricky to me :-P
You know, the more I think about that lately, the more I believe that to be true. Even though she initially blamed a lot of this on me, she hasn't been bringing it up lately. I think it is all about her.
Interesting email from her a couple of hours ago...
Backstory: She had a really bad cold/flu/bronchitis from mid December to almost now. She was very frustrated to not be able to go to the gym, hiking, rowing etc. I suggested that her health may have caused her journey to only start now, instead of 3 months ago.
My journey needed to stall so that I could build back my inner strength and get a handle on my emotional state in order to move forward. It took a lot out of me to leave you and our life together. I broke masks, patterns, perceptions, others' expectations of me. There was a lot to work through internally & emotionally. It was where my focus needed to be. Life slowed me down. My health is back so I am now able to resume my external and physical journey. I'm not starting it, I'm resuming it with a better understanding of where I have been and where I am going.
This is why I don't want to reconcile at this time. I need to for once in my life be patient about something and let it unfold naturally. My pattern is to force things in the direction I want them to go in and for once in my life I will let things happen naturally. When it's right it will be spectacularly obvious.
Now THAT is ALL about her!
Did she write this resently?
(letter to minkerman) "I'm not starting it, I'm resuming it with a better understanding of where I have been and where I am going."
wow... what a bunch of hokum !
let me ask you this: has she actually told you where she believes she is going? what is this "better understanding" that she has now?
And then the obvious followup question is,
"So why does that destination, have to be reached while living separately from you?"
ie: "how are you any in way impeding your wife from 'growing', in her eyes" ?
I agree, all good thoughts. I have indeed asked her everything you pointed out, Dom, she just says she doesn't know...too much noise in her head.
She says that when I am around, she feels herself reverting back to old thought patterns and behavior patterns...plus she says she feels like "it'll all be OK with us" when we are together, but she is confused by her feelings of wanting to stay away. Being on her own apparently will give her clarity on what she wants. ACK!!
Treeman, she wrote it this morning, about 2 hrs after I left her.
I still think we will end up together, because when I get a peek behind the curtain I can see that she misses me, misses us, and has some fear about going forward on her own.
The tone of the email above is a little harsh...but that's how she is on email. I'm not looking through rose colored glasses when I say 98% of the time she is absolutely sweet and affectionate toward me.
One thing I forgot to mention from last night, when she had half a bottle of wine in her. She said "you're right under my nose, aren't you?" Cleverly, I said "Huh?" She said "Everybody I know tells me the best thing in my life is right under my nose. What am I going to do with you?" "That's up to you," I said "but I have a few ideas".
I have time to let her figure out whatever the hell she needs to figure out. I have lots to keep me busy!
Mink LN is right you have said it once now let it lye. if a woman is scared she will take that as massive pressure. I just told my wife a few days ago that i was kind of on the fence right now. I ment it as i was taking a step back. she took it as i was about to give up.
That's it Mink. i find with all these ladies weather it mine, yours, fish's thay all go back and forth. They are very confused, in pain and afraid to make a mistake. Mine asked me a million questions when i went out tonight which is the first time in a long time she has shown any interest. I thought your wifes e-mail was suprising, but you cleared it up by saying that is the way she is on e-mail. Your doing great buddy. i wish I was as far along as you. i would love nothing better than to run up stairs right now and jump into bed with her. Yet i will find myself in my cold lonely bed. I will sleep well thought. Good night.
She says that when I am around, she feels herself reverting back to old thought patterns and behavior patterns...plus she says she feels like "it'll all be OK with us" when we are together, but she is confused by her feelings of wanting to stay away. Being on her own apparently will give her clarity on what she wants. ACK!!
translation:
Something inside her wants to be "independant".
When she's around you, she actually likes being with you, and no longer wishes to be independant.
So the part of her that wants to be "independant", is trying to deliberately kill her good feelings for you, by separating herself from you and thereby attempting to starve those feelings to death.
Then she wont feel conflicted any more about being "independant".
I still think we will end up together, because when I get a peek behind the curtain I can see that she misses me,...
Sounds like you may be making the assumption, "one way or another, you'll be back together".
never,
EVER make that assumption.
It is guaranteed to screw you up, and make you complacent, and make you miss what you need to do.
Just ask Trixi.
You are a wise man, Dom. Thank you.
I realize she may gather the strength to set out on her own, of course that is a possible outcome. That is why I am working on giving her space, and letting her do the reaching out. I can screw this up with one misguided action or sentence.
Dom said:
Something inside her wants to be "independant".
When she's around you, she actually likes being with you, and no longer wishes to be independant.
Yes, I think so. A few times, we have been talking, and she has said "damn, I feel myself falling under your spell again". I don't want that...I want her to feel she is a 50-50 partner in our marriage.
It helps me at the end of each day, to know that she at least considers us being together, as an option. Before, it was not.
I will never be boring or complacent again. Although I am starting to realize that this point in our journey is all about her, I am using this precious time to get back to the authentic ME, that has been buried in complacency for years.
Thanks again to everyone on the team.
Mink,
These women are tough. Mine only wants to hurt me by placing her pain flatly on me. That does not seem to be the case with you. She seems to be working with you to work things out.
Time takes time. Don't go jumping into things so fast. That does not work. I think you will be hearing Fish soon that that just does not work.
Time is on your side.
Treeman
Yes, I think so. A few times, we have been talking, and she has said "damn, I feel myself falling under your spell again". I don't want that...I want her to feel she is a 50-50 partner in our marriage.
The thing is... that may not be what SHE wants.
she may not want to be a "50/50 partner". That may make her feel like "one half of a person". She may want to feel like "two individuals" right now.
Thats why it's important to eventually figure out what she is looking for, in this "journey" of hers, and then reassure her that you want to support her in the direction that she wants to grow in.
agreed. my W seems to hang her hat on conffusion and the dreraded " i dont know how i feel" if you can fiqure out ( and not by asking mabey but by listening) what you wife sees as the problem or solution then you can take steps to affirm and move in that direction
We had a really nice day yesterday. We went out for lunch and a bit of shopping, it was a nice day here so we drove around in the convertible with the top down.
We did talk a bit at lunch but we both made an effort to not talk about the white elephant for a change.
Went back to "our" place, sat down to watch her favorite TV show, of which I had recorded 4 episodes (she has no TV at "her" place).
Watched 2 episodes, had dinner, watched another, made a big bowl of popcorn (she said "in 30 years I have never seen you make popcorn...it's always been me"...I just smiled).
She commented numerous times about how great I looked (she keeps calling me "slim"), which is a nice bonus!
Went to bed 9pm, fell right asleep, woke up at about 6am.
We have agreed (sort of) that sex is on the back burner for now, it is complicating things. I'm OK with that, as long as it's not for too too long! "Taking it slow and easy" doesn't really have sex in the equation, now, does it?
I cooked breakfast, we sat and talked a bit, and agreed that it was nice just to spend time together, with no R talk.
She pondered "I wonder if spending this time together is helping or hurting the situation?".
I said that my opinion was that as long as it was no-pressure, just hanging out, even spending the night, it's really all about just getting to know each other again. She nodded, yeah, maybe it is.
It did enter the conversation that we still may not end up together, I said that would make me very sad, but I guess we'd just have to cross that bridge if we come to it. She said, yes that would make me very sad too.
She got dressed and left, I waited with her for the elevator, when it came she gave me a hug and kiss and said "That was a really nice evening...thank you!"
I'm picking her up again in 3 hours, and we're driving to her parents' house for Easter dinner. Then I'm driving her home after.
It really is nice just hanging out with her for now. There is nothing I can personally do right now for our relationship...it is all her journey at this point. I can just be there for her if she decides to choose us.
Patience is the word of the day.
These women are nutts, mine at least. I can't figure her out for nothing.
Sounds like you are doing well, keep up the good work.
Journaling:
Easter dinner was nice with the whole family. We were the first to leave, and she said as we were driving home, "would you like to spend the night?", which surprised me. What the hell, why not, I was tired and didn't feel like driving home.
We had a short R talk at 'her' place, about 20 minutes, and discussed the weekend and how it felt nice to spend time together. She told me she often feels like calling me, but doesn't, so she doesn't 'lead me on'. I just took it all in stride. I am trying to get comfortable with the fact that this is going to take much longer than expected.
I have certainly learned from my friend Fish, that this stage is not to be rushed.
We went to bed, and surprisingly she wanted to ML, so we did. We fell asleep, I got up at 5:00am and drove home, and here I am now typing this.
It was a very good weekend relationship-wise, and now I don't see her for a week and a bit...she has schooling all next weekend.
Probably a good thing...I think she needs to process just how good and relaxed everything felt this weekend.
Mink,
I wish I was where you are. My R is dieing. I am not DBing well. I found out last night that my W has been reading my DB blog. I found my DB name and pssword. Now that I think of it it may not be a bad thing. At least she will know how much I love her.
TRYING to detach!
Treeman
I am initiating no contact today. I saw W 3 times over the long weekend, and had 2 sleep-overs, one with sex. That is a LOT for us recently.
I know she will be processing today. What she needs is space. Because I have been able to detach (mostly), I will be able to do this, to give her what she needs. I will think of it as giving her a gift, instead of buying a present I will give her space. She will respect that, even if only subconsciously.
I am keeping busy. I am recording music like a possessed demon, and will do so again tonight...the time just flies by!
I know I will want to call her tonight, and I might...but I will try not to, and hopefully will succeed.
See, it's a never ending struggle for all of us!
What a struggle. My W is not even talking to me now and I want to ask her to attend Retovaille with me in April.
BT - If she is not talking to you, or is acting irrationally, I would really hesitate on asking her to go to Retrouvaille. Major, major pressure.
If you can get to the point where you are having rational discussions, and you feel that your R has a chance of succeeding, Retrouvaille might be that extra step needed to get you both on the same page. But now? I don't think so.....but of course I reserve the right to be wrong.
I wouldn't even think of asking my W about Retrouvaille. and I think our sitch is better than many.
BT
I am with Minkerman on this point.
Minkerman , you are going well , softly is the way to go , enjoy where you are at , it is way ahead of many here and there is no rush. One mistake many of us make ( me included ) is to want to fix things and look for the magic answer . The answer is time and patience .
Dave
Guys, I did ask her if she would talk to a family from Retro and you were right she said she didn't want to do anything with me. She is so pissed at me for nothing. she is so mad that she called me from the next room on the cell just now.I think it is over. Sorry to take over your page Mink. I like your thoughts on Fish to. I think he is masking his hurt but has a good chance to put things back together. Time takes time. Cheers.
She is so pissed at me for nothing. she is so mad that she called me from the next room on the cell just now.
Sheesh, I'm hijacking my own thread! Anyway, Treeman...you say she's pissed at you "for nothing". Maybe she's pissed at you because of all the pressure. We all told you not to do it, but......
Suggesting something like Retro will absolutely be seen by her as an act of pressure and desperation. You really REALLY need to back off, before you get yourself into a corner. Sounds like Sally already feels like she's in one.
Back off Tree - what do you have to lose?
My big win today was giving W my gift. Space.
No calls, no texts, no emails.
We had an awesome weekend, and using the "keep doing what doesn't work" mindset (joke), I have always contacted her on the day after a nice time, and said something positive, like 'wow that was sure a nice weekend'. It has usually backfired. I kept doing it anyway. Idiot!
So this time - MM, change it up!
Like I just said to the Treeman, what do I have to lose?
If this doesn't work, I'll change it again. That is what taking it slow and easy can do for you.
As I was getting ready for bed just now, my W called me just to see how I was doing (I have just come down with a cold).
We talked, just small talk, for about 15 minutes.
This was after I purposely did not call, email or text all day today.
Nice reaching out on her part. Baby steps, doesn't matter how small.
Anyway, off to bed....
MM:
M
Thats a proper baby step , to call just to see how you were brilliant
.
My W does this but there is allways a "want something" attached.
It will be a major step the day she calls or messages just to see how I am .
Dave
Huh, this is interesting, to say the least.
She just called me again, just like last night...to ask if I had watched a certain webcast we have been watching together, and to see what I thought of it.
Since she has really been reaching out, I will call her back in a couple of hours to let her know my comments.
Man, I love this girl, that I have gone through the last 30 years of my life with. I hope these are all good signs for us. I have gotten to a comfortable level of detachment, and I think I can maintain it for quite a while, as she sorts out her confusion.
nice work Mink. Feel comfort and sleep well.
Thats great
She is doing some of the work in the relationship. Keep it going she will value your R all the more if she has to put the effort in too.
Watch that the expectation circus doesnt roll into town and get you feeling too good so that you loose your momentum.
Dave
Good advice, Dave, thanks.
Thanks to you up there ^ too, Treeman...good luck, remember our mantra. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time.
Journaling:
Like many of you, I get discouraged too.
I was just checking the bank account online and saw that she bought another month's worth of transit tickets (we used to commute to work together). I knew she wasn't coming home yet, but to see it in print, well it's just discouraging. But I'll pull out of it. Just need to focus on (1) the positives, and (2) my own life.
Next time I see her will be a week today...we are going to a wine tasting event. That's a positive.
We are also going on a 3-day weekend trip to Seattle on our anniversary. That's a major positive. My chance to be a DB machine, and let her see my changes up close, 24/7 for 3 days. Scared? You bet. I realize that weekend could be a turning point. I also feel that, based on a few comments she has made - that this is also a test, of sorts. Maybe not a test of "me", rather, of "us".
Also, since it will be our anniversary, I will be drawing upon the collective wisdom here as that weekend (Apr 11-12-13) draws near, regarding how the "anniversary" part should be played.
I am quite detached from her/us, about 75% of the time, to be honest. For some reason, the other 25% of the time, feelings come flooding back. I start to miss her, and the life we had. I really need to beat the feelings back sometimes! Arrgghh.
I am a sensitive, emotional, yet commanding and confident guy. Everyone I know tells me that. Even SHE tells me that.
I guess it all takes time. And, in the grand picture, 3 months is not a lot of time.
Anyway....back to work. Fortunately I have a very busy job that keeps my mind on 1,001 other things. Most of the time.
Your doing great Mink. Keep up the good work. You are one of the few success stories here. Keep us all encouraged.
Treeman
MM on your trip just keep doing what your doing. if you play the Anniversaryu card you may get discuraged if she does not respond in a way your were looking for. you already ML ( something i would kill for with mmy W ) so the romantic /phisical part is there so dont worry about being viewed as a friend. but BEING a friend is what won her over in the first place all those years ago. like you have said let her bring up relationship, while you bring up you friendship to her.. just my 2 cents
She has emailed me 3 times today. I have responded to two. One of them was a list of outlets and malls in Seattle, she wants us to go shopping when we are there in 2 weeks, and I am totally cool with that. In the email she said "We're all set! :-P "
I am trying to be dim, not dark...I know she needs space so I am being very careful.
Thoughts? Am I overthinking this? Should I be more responsive, or less?
Perfect Minker..maybe thinking to much but that's ok by me. Go do something nice for yourself.
Better too much thinking than acting.
I just this minute sold my car!
I will no longer be driving my Audi convertible, which I feel does not suit the "new MM". With my new self-awareness, I feel strongly that this car was a way to say "look at me!".
Time for something a little more authentic and down to earth, something that suits my confidence and renewed self esteem!
A really nice couple will be giving me the money tomorrow at lunch time.
Nice end to a neutral day.
Just got off the phone with W. The timer said 63 minutes!
Really, really nice convo....all positive, very little R talk, other than "how did we get to this place?"
Talked about her work, my work, things we wish we did over the years, our upcoming trip to the States in 2 weeks, etc etc.
We talked a bit about our changes, she is really noticing mine, so that's a good thing.
Anyway, off to bed!
Did she call you or did you call her? I think that if you talked that long, it doesn't really matter, just wondering.
Good deal. I can't remember the last time I talked with my H on the phone for that long. It's a nice thing.
cw, I called her. She had asked me to look for a couple of things for her around the house, via email...I was gonna email her back but thought what the hell, I'll call her. Glad I did, it was really nice.
Good deal. A 63 minute enjoyable phone call IS a good thing.
awsome mink. your on a level ground right now. your not backsliding and your not moving super forward ( the how did we get her comment was that from you or her?) your on netrual ground which is how relasonships start.
A prolific communication day today!
No less than seventeen emails...I think it's a record that is never to be broken.
I just counted them, and it's 9 from her and 8 from me (not that it matters).
All small stuff, most one-liners, a couple longer ones...but really nice and a good feeling of connection throughout the day.
I don't really count it as a baby step, but she does have days where she is more likely to stay connected with me...and it looks like today's one of those days.
Alright Mink. Wasn't it you who was going to go a little dark. I feel really good for you Pal! Nice work!
Yeah I was dimmed down for a little while...but I need to keep my eye on the temperature gauge as well.
Her big beef about me was that I refused to communicate in our relationship.
So now, if she wants to talk, I'll talk.
Never again will I make that mistake.
That's da thing with DBing you kinda gotta taylor it to your situation. All quite here, no arguing.
Good night
Mink,
Been tracking along your thread of late. You are really investing in making changes in yourself for you. That really comes through in what you are sharing. I imagine it must sometimes be a tough balance to keep when you hear some of the things she says re: not reconciling. It sounds very much like some of what my W. has said. You are doing a really nice job of keeping yourself grounded. I'm trying to learn from what you are doing!!
Purr
Thanks Purr. Learning from each other's sitches is what makes these boards valuable.
I figured after an hour long phone convo last night and 17 emails today...I better not be the one to initiate any contact tonight.
So I practiced some guitar parts for my rock band audition tomorrow night, and now I'm sitting here watching "Fargo" with a nice glass of Merlot.
Life is pretty good, no complaints, it would simply be better if we could get busy on the marriage!
MM, you're in a perfect state of mind. I have to add also that you're an inspiration to me.
Those of you following my saga know that I am auditioning for a spot in a rock 'n roll band tonight, and that I sold my car yesterday. So I am temporarily on foot, and on public transit. So I'm in a bit of a pickle!
Just now, W called (it's 5:45am here) and offered me the use of her car if I needed it. What a sweetie. Very nice gesture on her part. She also wished meluck in my audition and told me "have fun, that's what it's really all about".
Nice start to the day!
Just journaling really.
W just called, was sweet as pie...once again wishing me well in my audition. Said "please call me when you're home...I want to hear how it went!"
MM,
Good luck on the audition tonight! Hope you rock the place and have a good time. Sounds like your W. is quite intrigued and interested. You da man. Let us know how is went!
Purr
Audition went pretty well, though surprisingly I felt a bit nervous. Did 10 songs with the band, finished up with 2 huge rockers "Hurts So Good" (Mellencamp) and "No Matter What" (Badfinger). I was awesome on those two especially!!
I called W as I drove home, ended up talking to her for the whole drive (15 minutes).
She started a very intense course today, a career shift for her...so I surprised her with a bouquet of spring flowers, delivered to "her" place just after she got home. She was really pleased and quite surprised. They were not meant to be romantic, just wishing her good luck in her studies over the next 6 months.
She said "wow. I never bought you anything for your audition!" I said, that's OK, you can give me a foot rub next week. "Deal!" she said.
No expectations, just enjoying the present moment. What a great night. Rock and ROLL!
Oh and I forgot to say...my 2008 Jeep Wrangler arrives Wednesday, the same night I am taking W out on a date to a California Wine Festival.
A much more authentic vehicle for the new improved MM, better than the show-off Audi convertible I just sold!
sweet ride MM!! speaking as a old farm boy those jeep are tanks. also its realy awsome you are doing the music thing. i play bagpipes and i thing i might try to gind lrssons in the area to bone up and do some paraded this summer. i also do highland games so this will be something i realy enjoy
MM i just want to say thanks. when ever im down you have very good incite. i also look to your post to see how to act when im feeling lost.
I spent a nice evening with W and her friend tonight (she invited me over)...just a couple glasses of wine, nice music and stimulating conversation.
She sat beside me on the couch, and rested her leg over mine while we all talked. There was a time not too long ago, that I took that for granted. Not now. I just rested my hand on her foot. It felt nice to be casually connected like that.
I was happy to see the flowers I sent her, displayed front and centre on the dining room table
Two hugs and 3-4 kisses when I left...she thanked me for spending the evening with them.
I left her place feeling very content.
Thanks also Marcum for your nice comments.
You seem like a great guy.
Melodic MM..
Thanks for the perspective you've posted. Reading your threads is a true learning experience.
In this brave new world, I roll like a prickly pear, ready to see hurt. Watching you, I think.. why not be a peach?
It's neat to see you BE the change.
*hugs*
Not much to report tonight - she has been in a course Fri-Sat-Sun, so I've had limited interaction with her, other than spending a couple nice hours with her and her friend (from out of town) last night.
However, I sent her a quick text tonight after she finished, "hope this weekend doesn't make you too tired at work tomorrow"
She called me immediately and said "thank you so much for the text, that was nice".
We then talked for about 15 minutes. She was in a really good mood, and we shared a lot (no R talk though).
At the end, I slipped up...I said, "this is nice - I love talking to you" She said "yes, it is very nice MM, I love talking to you too." Then I said "I miss you". Oops! It was like I couldn't stop myself.
She seemed fine...but I wish I hadn't said it. Oh well, what are you gonna do??
The next thing for us is a California Wine Festival on Wednesday. Should be fun!
I have an overwhelming urge to call her today....it's so hard not to!
Despite my emotional mind telling me that it will help, by letting her know that I am here - my logical mind is telling me that if she desired contact, she would reach out herself.
Don't know why I'm feeling this way. Part of the normal ups and downs, I hope.
I am seeing her day after tomorrow, when we have a nice dinner/event planned. Why is it so hard to wait until then?
As I said earlier - the sense of detachment comes and goes in its intensity.
It's hard because you love her, you're not in control and you know you shouldn't. Keep strong.
I know what I need to do when I get "like this". Dive headlong into GAL activities. Next on my To-Do List is watercolour painting. I used to paint, and like so many things in my quest to become a boring lout, I stopped doing it.
So, tonight's therapy: Go to the artist's supply store and restock my supplies. That should help!
Thanks CW, I will (try to) be strong. I feel that, compared to many in our little group, I don't have as much to complain about.
"in my quest to become a boring lout" hehehe!
No, you don't have much to complain about and most of that's because you've been strong and a good DBers. Keep it up!
New car + new band = New Mink....Nice work man!
Hey Mink,
Yeah, I guess this is really an opportune time to reconnect with earlier interests and passions. I relate to becoming a lout! Trying to rediscover old interests and see what new ones may lie ahead. You're really doing great with putting lots of energy into it.
Also, I can totally get the "I miss you" part...how lovely it would be to hear those words from the other party!!!
Keep going, things are looking good for ya.
Purr
Well it was a nice spring evening so I walked down the river walk to a neighborhood pub, and had a nice dinner and a couple of Guinnesses.
There were a couple of girls two tables over, that smiled at me a couple of times. That felt nice...but I have no interest in seeking out any female companionship. That even surprises me, given that I had an A 12 years ago. Guess it shows how much I've changed.
Still a bit weird how I feel a shoe is about to drop. Hope I'm wrong.
Think I'll head out to the hot tub and contemplate life for half an hour or so....
EDIT: Just got an email from her. I have another audition lined up for hopefully Thursday, which I told her via email. This was her comment.
nice sharing, thank you!
looking forward to hearing all about it on Wednesday. Let me know tomorrow if I need to drive in on Wednesday. Would much rather see your new vehicle if you have it.Positive, neutral, ????
Good morning, Mr. Mink..
I will use my crystal ball and a few enchantments to read the meaning of her email. Allow me a moment to open to the awareness of the universe.
Ahhh.. she appreciated your note.. and is thanking you.
looking forward to hearing all about it on Wednesday.
She wants to see you
Let me know tomorrow if I need to drive in on Wednesday.
Must she come to you?
Would much rather see your new vehicle if you have it.
I'd like the new you to come to me... you're surprising me.
Awww.. Mr. M.. the crystal ball has gone silent.
And the other shoe is going to drop, you'll put slippers on.. and you'll keep going with that smile on your face, resolve in your soul and be the incredible man you are.
*hugs*
Thank you Gypsy...you have singlehandedly helped to give me a PMA this morning!