My H has been home for a month now. the first two weeks were great. there was no contact w/ OW. just her calling and leaving msgs. Then he contacted her and has been since. I have been struggling w/ this issue. And probably have not been DBing but freaking out. So now I will get calm and start to DB again.
I should have come here a long time ago to realize it takes a while for them to let go of OP. Didn't realize this. So I will just focus on what I want and that is my marriage and I will try to focus that this will take time and that this will also take patience.
I just wish he would not contact and see her. But he tells me they are not having sex. and that he is only intimate w/ me. He wants to renew our vows also. I told him thou that I don't feel confident renewing when he is still talking to her and he says that he won't speak to her after that. but how do I believe that? Well I will go for now need to rest. ~inawe~
In all the reading I have done there can be NO CONTACT if you want to work things out with your H. If you will read my post you will see that I have been through over a year and a half of the back and forth contact with the OW....it has been very hard on me and my self esteem. I don't want to go into taht more right now, but if he wants to be with you only then he should be willing to establish a no contact agreement.The following came from another board I visit and was written by someone there....
How ever the affair has been exposed, whether by discovery by the BS or confession from the WS, there must be proper closure to the affair. An agreement must be set up between the BS and WS that all contact with the OP must end and it must be permanent. The WS is in no position to bargain or make deals with their partner and try to keep the OP somehow active in their life. The WS must commit to the No Contact agreement and confide in their partner if the agreement is broken or if the OP has contacted them. Writing a No Contact letter to the OP is the best way to end the affair. The WS is the one that writes it to the OP. There really is no format to it, except that it should be written by free will by the unfaithful partner. This isn't a "goodbye lover" letter...but rather should consist of stating that you are committed back to your relationship, that the A is over for good and there will never be contact again between them. It should be short and to the point, and the WS should state how selfish the affair was and how it caused tremendous pain to the BS.
Now, of course this won't be taken seriously by the OP if the unfaithful partner has had continued contact...this is a serious step towards reconciliation and it should be treated as such.
I would also let the WS know that you'll be reading the letter prior to him/her mailing it...there should be no hidden messages or hints that the WS will miss the OP. A letter is probably the best way to get closure for everyone involved...if you have your WS email or phone the OP...it opens it back up for the OP to respond...and that's what you are clearly trying to avoid.
In my case, I did not write a No Contact letter to the OM…we ended it on the phone. I did however write an apology letter to his wife, I never mailed it, instead she called me and I apologized profusely to her over the phone. I did however; write a No Contact letter to my best friend of 22 years. She was involved in several affairs and refused to end them and confess to her husband. Mangled and I both felt that if we were going to truly start over and have all deceit out of our lives, than she could not be involved in our relationship nor could our friendship continue. It pained me deeply to write her that letter…2 years later I'm still hurt by that. But I also know that it had to be dealt with in such a stern way, because she would have ended up hurting my marriage and possibly me again. And that was something I just wasn't willing to risk again.
I disagree. You need to let him dissolve the relationship with OW at his own pace. Attract him back to you. Don't mention her. Let her get angry about you...let her nag him and let her be the person he needs to get away from for peace. You be his comfort, love, and peace.
Also, I think there are differences in cases where one spouse has an affair, but covers it up and stays at home with the other spouse, and one where there is an affair, the spouse moves out and wants a D etc.
In the former case, as the spouse still wants the marriage, it is easier to insist on conditions.
When your spouse has moved out and lived with, or at least carried on openely with the OP for months and years, it is probably harder for them to 'come back', 'admit their mistake', and 'give up' the OP and be 'controlled' by 'demands' (not to contact OP) etc etc.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I agree with the post that says a letter should be written to OW ending the relationship. You should read it and mail it together. I know it is hard..You don't want to rock the boat.
A mourning process also occurs when WAS leaves OW. But by keeping contact only prolongs that process. Maybe you could go to counseling together or seperately to deal with this?
Your H wanting to renew your vows is great. However, his actions are conflicting because he won't stop the contact with OW.
I highly recommend a book called Love is Tough by Dr. Dobson. He states that as long as you are putting up with Ow it is like having a third person in your bed. Lovingly detach. He also was the one who recommends writing the goodbye letter to the OW.
Baby steps right now. But set some sort of boundaries. Your H will respect you in the long run. I promise.
H admitted today that he read one of my journals from when he was gone. Said he was hurt by one of my comments where I said, "This would be easier if he was dead." I told him I just meant that if you had died at least I knew you died and still loved me. That you did not just leave me and not love me anymore."
We did talk about OW today. I am going to back off and not mention her I will just act "as if" she doesn't exist like I did before. He got frustrated and said why are you always talking about it? I said " you are the one bringing her into our relationship because you won't leave her alone or tell her that you want your marriage back."
Well now he's out cooling down. We agreed that I would pick him up later. And we agreed on a time limit. So I will take that as some baby steps. While he is gone I will not call him I will let him have his space. He said earlier that I'm smothering him and yes I have to admit I have been so I need to relax and back off a little.
I went ahead today and looked at the same journal my H told me that he read. I saw how low and unattainable things seemed 4 months ago. One of my goals was to have him home by May and look I had him home Jan 19th. So that is some progress. And I will look at this thing w/ OW as a little bump in the road for now. My husband has never been one to lie to me before and when he has I've been able to see through it. He is the one who told me about OW and this was at the start of their relationship. OW happened Oct 16 2004 and he had moved out nov 3, 2004. Came back home Jan 19 2005 so all of this has moved rather quickly back and forth. I will just need to still be prepared for the roller coaster.
I believe H is also dealing w/ the gremlins of what happened. such as guilt said he didn't feel like he was connecting w/ the kids. He said he also is trying to make up for not giving me any money or helping in any way.
Well I will just be hopeful and look on the bright side of things.
I am seeing a counsler and she had advised that I just work on me and the kids do things for us and not worry about him. She would probably not advise me to do a dobson letter because she believes that you can't make any one do what they don't want to. My H will need to let go of OW on his own for now he knows where I stand. Thanks again for all the advice! If you have any more advice I'll take it. ~inawe~
My H never admitted to OW, but she called my house. I called her back and then learned that the best approach was not to empower her. I stopped mentioning her at all and put her out of my mind completely. Also, my H was going to strip bars, too.
I spent a lot of time acting as if she and the clubs didn't exist. I made sure I was attracting him back towards me...and sex entered into it a lot, too! I spoiled him rotten in the bedroom.
Since he never admitted to OW, I went back and forth thinking it was just me being "crazy." He allowed me to think that, too. But the phone call sealed it, she never said anything but the hang up was enough. Also, he called from her cell phone once and it was on my caller id.
I just left it all alone as my goal wasn't to get everything out in the open, but to get my H back.
