Proverb 21:19 It is better to dwell in a wilderness than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife.
She will not talk to me. She will not even make eye contact with me now. She has gotten worse, and still wishes to spew venom.
I have decided to stand in the gap for her. Praying for her salvation and praying for my change.
I think if she opens up to me we can heal. She has to make the step. Waiting patiently. The going through hell part is subsiding.
I feel truely sorry for her because she is so lost. I'm posting to MLC because her symptoms display an MLC. I ruined her life. ILYBINILWYA. She is listening to her high school music. Her high school friend is her best friend that seems to be dragging her down. Drastic life change going into the work force from SAHM. Dressing and acting like she is 16. Total detachment from me. Makeup change and weight loss, and she still thinks she is old and fat.
I'm running to stand still. Crying without weeping, talk without speaking, screaming without raising my voice.
I'm in the jungle. The wilderness...
I received a 100% in my last online class. Don't know how I mangage it. I'm taking two weeks off before the start of my next class.
I have been dialoguing with one of wifes good friends. My wife talked to his woman daily. Now she avoids her and doesn't even speak with her on the phone. My wife even moved closer to the woman. She is also a stay at home mom. I think my wife put her morals on the woman about abortion and other matters. Now it's time for the woman to put her morals on her about marriage. I think this is why my wife is avoiding her.
The womans husband is a full blown alcoholic. He is also a cheater and was caught in the gargage by his wife with one of wifes so called good friends doing the verticle mombo. The still remains married. Her husband has quit drinking. He did fall of the wagon once. She lives in constant fear that he will drink and cheat again. She even went to Al Anon with my wife. Actually she took my wife to Al Anon with her, as her idea. They went to about six meeting together after the last miscarriage.
The woman also told me that my wife doesn't even talk to her own sister anymore. The woman and my SIL talk a couple of times a week on the phone and have play dates with the children. My wife was invited to a play date with her, SIL, and my children and my wife and children did not attend.
Today is a holy day of obligation. I only got two words to my wife last night when she picked up the children. Good and bye. I was hoping that she would talk to me about Church today. Instead she said she had to ride back to the ice cream shop because one of the girls screwed something up and she has to fix it and set the alarm.
Proverb 21:19 It is better to dwell in a wilderness than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife.
That interpretation is interesting.
The word "vexatious" in particular.
We use the term in the legal field as well.
Defined:
Vexatious litigation is legal action which is brought, regardless of its merits, solely to harass or subdue an adversary.
But Phil...it is you that stands accused.
This is the trying of your faith.
James 1:3-4:
"Knowing this: that the trying of your faith worketh patience; but let patience have her perfect work that you may be perfect"
I just looked into that further and do you what "perfect" means?
It means "mature".
He's going to raise you up, Phil.
Oh Lord knows I hope you won't give Him as much trouble as I have.
Quick tip: Zip your face. Because the minute you think you actually have a clue as to what's going on - you'll just find yourself starting one more trip around the mountain.
How wonderful God thought your faith strong enough to stand trial!!
The interesting interpretation has a story which I found the verse to have particular interest.
I would always use the fifty cent words with my wife. One I have an extensive vocabulary, because I read plenty. I read, and I read, and I read. I would most likely read a novel a month. Plus magazines, newspaper, and other types of literature.
I remember using a word on my wife, and she said you don't even know how to spell it. I said spelling was never my strong point. She said if you can't spell it then you shouldn't use it. I threw up my hands and said, whatever!
She saw a word. She said. Oh my here is a big word that is perfect for you to me. My wife vexes me. I said you better believe it. That was in our first year of marriage. She asked if I knew what it meant. I said yes. It means ANNOY.
Interesting you used the word perfect to have an obsolete definition for mature. A non obsolete definition is legally valid. Another obsolete definition of perfect is SANE.
How do you keep your sanity through all this? Today was a harsh ride at work. To much thought. I call my Mother. It is going well, but then she starts yelling at me that this seperation is hurting her too because she didn't get to see her grandkids all summer.
Well it is all a crock of boogies too. You see my brothers kid is in from out of state for the whole summer. She favors him and always has. So she has been out showing him a good time all summer. She has invited me and the kids to a few things, but it usually involves her church. I do not have any interest in going to her church. To me it is a bunch of Christian chaos.
Today she invited me to her church. I said Mom I have to go to Mass. It is a holy day of obligation, the feast of the assumption. She said I will be in church. I said stop it, I don't want to get into the Catholic ways with you.
Then she started screaming at me. You know I'm giving you the tools to go to the outreach programs at my church and you don't want to use them. They are restoring marriages all the time. How is your Catholic church doing? Did it save you marriage or did it put you into seperation.
I kept saying. Stop it. Please. Don't. I don't want to discuss these issues with you. I just want you to support me like a Mother would support a son in crisis. You and I do not see eye to eye about religion. But yesterday you even defended me when someone was bashing Catholism to you. You said there are Catholic Christian that will blow you away when it comes to the bible, theology, and what the Church is and isn't. There are many Catholics that are emmersified in the bible and in their faith. My son is one of them.
She started screaming at me again, I asked her to please stop screaming at me, and then she hung up. Some Christian she is...
So I don't get it. Was she bashing the Catholic thing? Was she feeling quilty about something? In my opinion it was my Mother that caused the divorce between my Father and her. Was she just trying to justify her actions about not seeing my children? I really wanted to throw it in her face about the favoritism towards my brothers child, but I never do. Now my wife on the other hand, this would instill a chief arguement between us. I always agreed with my wife on that issue though. However it always seemed like my wife was taking those issues out on me.
I went to Mass. It was a wonderful Mass. There is a young priest that gave the homily. He was just ordained recently. He is a very good speaker, and can deliver a message well. He spoke about how Mary does not have any relics, no tomb, no body. She was assummed into heaven. Even the early Church fathers believed in wrote about this around 100 AD. The arguement that there is nothing recorded in the gospels.
Upon leaving the Church, I shook his hand. I said you make a good arguement. However your arguement would be stronger if you would include the Enoch went up. He walked with the Lord and vanished. No body. He like that, and said that is so true. I said Elijah, he went up in a whirlwind. So maybe his arguement will become more perfect.
I also talked with my Priest upon leaving. I told him about the Proverbs 21:19 verse. I said I'm in the wilderness Father. He laughed and said he is praying for me. What a guy! I liked him since the first day he came and gave his first homily. He is into sports, hunting, and movies. He even gave a homily once using the movie Star Wars.
Anyway.... Amy. I am going dark on her. It is getting dark right now too. The thing that is aggrivating me is the fact that my kids didn't call. I don't want to break the darkness and ask how are the kids?
Then I think in the back of my mind she is going to throw it in my face that I don't care about the kids. I didn't even ask about them.
Your right Amy. I felt like I was going around the mountain after lunch today. Should I text and ask about the kids. No. Don't let her be. Leave her alone. Let her burn out.
I also asked my Priest about standing in the gap. Because she isn't even going to Church. We Catholics have a strict guideline about the moral obligation of attending Church every Sunday, and every holy day of obligation. If you miss it is considered a mortal sin. He said yes your holiness will make her holy.
I told you Amy I was deeply religous. I have and done countless hours of holy. Which means I go to Church on off times and sit with the blessed sacrament for an hour. I have had visions in Church. of Jerusalem and the holy lands during the holy hours.
I do believe one day the Lord asked me to become a stigmata, and I felt the thorns piercing my heart. I said not yet Lord, not yet. I'm not ready...
I'm not sure why he wants me to stand trail for the marriage. He knows how much I love him. He knows how much I love her. He knows how much I love my kids. He knows how much I have been asking for years for her heart to soften and not be so quarrelsome and vexatious.
I'm not sure why he wants me to stand trail for the marriage.
I don't think that's what being tried.
I suspect it your claim of Christianity that is standing trial, Phil.
You certainly won't be the first. Or the last.
It is a process of painful purging - of all the filth He sees in one who belongs to Him - You're stepping into BND's often mentioned "Refiner's Fire". She told you, Phil. But you are not a good listener.
I don't know why one person seems to get to take the easy route (if the path of ANY believer can even be called that these days) as a believer and some seem to take much harder routes. I suspect it has to do with the level of resistance of our own human nature. Literally, the battle that rages within between our flesh and the Holy Spirit. I think that's why some of us have such a hard time. Our upbringing so influences our attitudes - and your familial history is indicative of this being the case with you as well - and our overall thought processes that some of us grow up a walking train wreck. If we are one whose heart is truly and deeply set on God, He is going to change those things about us. He has to - so we can do His will. Our absolute biggest stumbling block I think, is our resistance to complete and total submission.
And that Phil, is your calling.
Submission.
You're no martyr.
But I think you do believe in Him in your heart of hearts.
And the enemy doesn't want that old human nature of yours to ever let go - because once it does, he will never have you again. And make no mistake Phil, he's got a real good grip on you right now. It shows in your words, your attitudes and most of all, in the sense of superiority that you emit, willingly or not.
At least one of your issues is pride.
HOWEVER - beginning threads of humility are also taking shape in you lately.
If it were not so you would not have come back here.
So the question we are left with reminds of my favorite story regarding human nature. It's about two wolves and I've posted it a dozen times if I've posted it once, but I will post it again and hope you have ears to hear...
An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life . .
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"
Well so much for staying dark on her yesterday. I had no contact, and I was getting somewhat peeved that my children didn't call me.
I decided to leave the house at 10:30. WTF, wouldn't you know it. I pull out to the man road and there goes the wife and kids driving by. I beep the horn. I turn after she passes. I follow her home. I didn't want to follow her, but I wanted to see my kids.
I pull up behind her at her apartment. I say hello to her. She said why are you following me. I said I wasn't following you. I was going for a drive and you drove by and I wanted to see the kids.
Son have Mikie D's and stuff, and D has Wendys. I help the kids get out of the car. I tell them I just wanted to see you kids and I'm plenty mad that you guys didn't call me. My son runs into the house to go to the restroom.
I wait outside on the stoop. My kids come back. So does wife she is unloading the car. She has a bunch of Wal-mart bags.
I ask her if she needs help. She says no. You never help me unload the car before why should you now. I said that is so untrue. I always helped you unload the car if I was home. You normally went shopping while I was at work.
She says I got the kids some school clothes. I said would you like some money for them. She says NO. I don't know how much I spent because I mixed grocercies in with them. I said ok, well let me know how I can help.
The kids come back out again. I give them a kiss. I tell them I know Mother doesn't want me here so I'm leaving. I give them a kiss. I said be good for your Mother and listen the first time, and do it the first time. They say ok.
I then tell my son to go get mommy.
She comes down.
HERE IS WHERE I GET STUPID!
She says why don't you go out. I said I don't want to go out. I want to be with my family. She says you never wanted to be with us before. I said that isn't true. She says you were never home. I said that isn't true either. When I started going to school, I never even went out because I was studying every night. She says go out. I said I don't want to go out. But I am leaving because I know you don't want me here. I do really want to be with my family.
Then she says. You really need to quit chewing. OMG I'm thinking... I have been chewing snuff since we met. I said yes I should quit. Nicotine is a strong addiction.
Well ok, go out, because you were never home. I said please that isn't true.
This is where I get really stupid.
I said I'm leaving can I have a hug. She rolls her eyes and sighs. She gives me a hug. I said ok, see you later.
Thanks BND. I was hoping I would not have to be here. Almost 700 posts. Who will teach to the teachers.
AmyC
Quote:
I suspect it your claim of Christianity that is standing trial, Phil
Not sure I'm following you there.
A martyr, I was thinking of Sir Thomas Moore how he stood before king Henry VIII and said sorry buddy you can't get a divorce.
Feed the wolf of love...
Journal:
She texted at quarter after three and said she was going to drop the kids off soon. I ignored it and did my Saturday cleaning ritual. That's right all three toliets, the bath, the other shower, three sinks. Mopped all the hardwood floors. Today I had enough energy to mop the laundry room. I don't think she did it since it was painted. She dropped the kids off. I was downstairs getting some laundry. When I made it upstairs I knew she was in the house but I went into the other room. She was calling for me. I said I'm in back. She screamed for me again, and I'm not playing that game with her anymore. She did that constantly in the house. She would call for me I would answer, and she would call for me again. It's very annoying. Since I'm a type of person that doens't like to repeat himself.
Repeating himself. Yes that is what I have been doing for months.
Well to tell you the truth I was pretty hurt that she didn't even want to make visual contact with me. I didn't chase to the door, and watch her leave or anything. No Romeo and Juliet glove syndrome.
It sent in when the kids where here. I hugged the kids and kissed them, then I asked them to go play. They wanted to know if I was taking them to see Star Wars. I told them yes. I just broke down and cried.
At the movie thearter I broke down again. I just kept seeing all these families together. Then there was some hideous adversement for the Biggest Looser and I lost it.
Luckily it was dark and I could hide it from the kids.
I'm not the crying type. I was always a hard a$$ stoic vulcan.
I was thinking in the movies. Just be patient. Like a Jedi be humble and patient.
The movie was ok. I didn't think the storyline was great. It didn't have the humor I thought it would. I didn't like the voice in the beginning either. I think they should have used the Lego guy commercial man voice. Then there was one thing critical missing. There was no pyramid text schooling in gold and a Pan down. Most of the Star Wars movies pan down after the text schooling of the story line. Why they left this out is beyond me.
Patient and Humble like a Jedi is he. LostPhil must become.
Hey Phil, I see a lot more humility in your posts here. That is a good thing.
MLC is very difficult to deal with Phil, it takes a great deal of personal strength and I believe your faith can serve you well in this.
I saw no huge mistakes in your conversing with your wife. Mistakes will occur, it takes time to learn to stop yourself when you are speaking. You did just fine ok.
Keep on working Phil, I know it's hard, but just wake up every day and ask God to help you through that 24 hours. Day by day is ok, in time it will change and you will be able to go longer on your own. It does get better.
You are spinning because this is a situation you can not fix.
You are trying to apply logic to something that seems so easy, but it isn't.
You are trying to control another person and it doesn't matter what you do, or what you say, there is absolutely nothing you can do right now to make your wife see things your way.
I know I keep repeating myelf, and I am sorry, but you do not listen to my words, and maybe, just maybe if you tried to be still you might see that things would go alot smoother if you could just be still.
I do not have the eloquence of posters like Amy or Ian or Jack, I just tell it how it is and what worked for me. I can not debate you with the History of the Catholic church because I have no real knowledge of it, I never studied it. I don't use big words because my vocabulary is not that extensive.
All I can tell you is that when I was in your situation, I was totally out of control until I started to listen to the words of the older posters here. Your way is not working, and after 700 posts I believe it is time to start something new.
Go back to your goals, your personal goals. Work on yourself and leave your wife alone. Stop saying you can't, the word is won't. You refuse to listen and you might as well start banging your head against a wall because you will get the same response each time you do things your way.
Please Phil, step into the Refiner's fire and sit still for a while. It really is the only thing you can do at this time to try to save yourself and maybe your Marriage.
((((((hugs)))))) BND X
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
