?s on TRULY letting go and STANDING please help!!

[cagzmom]

cagzmom,

It is ok to to tell yourself he is not coming home. You will be able to interact with him on a different level. He may even feel more comfortable talking with you and not feel the pressure.

That is the weird part isn't it. It doesn't match my heart but I need to say it to me. It just "Feels" like unbelief. AND I DO think you are right about him feeling comfortable around me....I KNOW he will. (no confrontation if there are no expectations.)

You will be able to function so much better this way. Again, I am not saying to stop standing, I am simply saying to stop dwelling on the "What if's". Those what if's will break you down.

Funny you said the "What if's"...when i start to really exhaust my sister she will say "There you go again with the WHAT IFs. They hurt they dont help.

I hope what I said didn't scare you. But you have to understand that before you can even begin to wonder what he is going to do, you have to figure out what your going to do, with or without him. Then you can truly start your dbing tactics.

You did not scare me at all. I LOVE truth - straight to the point, dont need to be hand held much anymore. I WANT TO MY HEART to move forward.

So the question isn't WHEN will he come home. IT IS Cagzmom what are you going to do with YOUR life without him.

[cagzmom]

I gotta go read the GAL post...is that the "name"

Going out to a friends.. (oh that would be GAL) HA!! Back on later...

[Rollercoasterider]

MY HEART refuses to see WHO he is.

If MLC is a cirsisi of identity, your husband doesn't know who he is, how then are you epxected to know when even he does not? Your heart isn't REfusing, it is CONfused. There is the person you married; who he WAS, there is the lost person; who he is ACTING; and there is the person he will BECOME. No one yet knows who that will BE.

HOW DO YOU do something that seems the exact opposite of what you are putting your hope in? How do I say "You are not coming home..." but have the FAITH to believe that he will?

Those two things are diametrically opposed. You seem to be asking not merely how do you ACT in opposition to what you want, but how do you believe in it while continuing to want.

Actions should support beliefs--thus you do not do what you are asking.
That doesn't mean you reveal all of your actions.
Consider that saying "You are not coming home." Is a validation--I am supposing you are saying it directly to your MLCer, not as a message to yourself.

What I can not say is that my heart is closed and I will be ok and that I let go of him to come back OR NOT COME BACK. I don't know how to turn off the switch. AND STILL STAND.
...My heart is still open. I dont know how to protect it, love him, let go and stand they all dont seem to match.
...how do you do this? how do you flip the swtich?

I understand wanting and needing to protect your heart; but I am not of the opinion that closing it is the method to protection.
I am goin to paste some of my notes on The Releasers. They are not merely notes and I have not worked on them for many months. I apparently haven't even started on Surrender, and Detaching seems to be the longest as of now. There are three releasers, each of a higher level.

RELEASERS

Detach + Let-Go + Surrender--> Acceptance

The three releasers do not equal Acceptance, rather they yield it. It is through the acts of release that Acceptance becomes possible.

1 Detach (Attach)
Attachment is passive; it is to be yoked or subconsciously bound. To hold on is conscious and deliberate; it is a choice. Consider a marionette attached by strings to a puppet master—it is completely without will or control. The slightest movement of the strings yields a reaction that is equal and opposite to the action of the puppet master. Consider a mother and fetus attached by an umbilical cord. The mother's hormones, all she ingests, all of her bodily actions have a direct impact on the fetus--who is without choice. Choice is a freedom that comes with Detachment. Detachment is not a compassionate void; rather it is a place of clarity wherein we connect to the cosmic web rather than being bound within it.
We live in a physical universe held together by a set of absolute laws. An innocent toddler may not choose to fall out a window; whereas a depressed individual may choose to jump. Yet gravity is absolute; treating both equally. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction--another absolute law. But our universe is greater than its physical laws. Within this universe we have Free-Will--Choice. The absolute physical laws are a model of Attachment and yet our world has no equivalent laws to govern emotions. Though reactions are equal and opposite, responses are under the jurisdiction of Free-Will. A reaction is without choice or thought; the puppet master lifts the string attached to the right hand of the marionette to raise the arm. Attached, you take turns being the controller and the controlled.
Attached, we react. But we are not puppets. Awareness is the first step toward change. Cut the cord. This need not require physical distance or separation. You need not separate from the person to separate from the emotions so that tweaking the cord yields no ripple effect. Detached, you will respond from a place of choice.
Detaching releases you to control your life and your emotions. Staying connected to the person is possible; Detachment is from the ego and its emotional reactions. Taking Detachment too far is to refuse to choose—this is to detach from life. It is also possible to take detachment too far by detaching not only from the ego and emotions, but also from the core person. Complete Detachment is to be without passion. The concept of Detachment is to create and choose joy within all circumstances. Rather than a release from life; it frees one for complete immersion.

2 Let Go (Hold-On)
Detaching only releases a bond, returning control. Often the person grabs the cut cord, becoming the controlling Puppet-Master. Though the result of Detaching and Letting-Go is the same, the counterparts--Attachment and Holding-On are not. Letting-Go is a conscious release. To Detach, one must become conscious of being Attached; Holding-On is a choice. The Rodeo Cowboy Holds-On; the marionette is Attached. Even the grammar is passive. The difference is Choice.
Enslavement is to be caught in thoughts and feelings. Reacting is an action of the enslaved--indeliberate or unconscious action, responding is deliberate or chosen action. Freedom chooses thoughts and feelings without becoming trapped.
Let-Go of what is not working and begin anew. Let-Go of the dead relationship that causes you to wither. Letting-Go allows the birth of a new relationship; from the ashes of death, life arises. From destruction; creation. To destroy the old does not mean it is wasted without use. It is the fertilizer for the new life. Clinging leaves no room for healing; Let-Go.
The inability, which is in actuality a choice, to Let-Go is based in fear. To Let-Go is to release control, and thereby risk unfulfilled desires. But we can control only ourselves, not another. We are in a situation where we must Let-Go of someone else. And that someone else, in trying to regain Self-control, has given it up to nothingness. Cut the strings, then Let them Go. Surrender to God; He will help return personal power where it belongs. God fulfills.

3 Surrender (Resist)

I don't think there is a Swtich you can flip on and off. There is choice. But the switch seems to be at the Detachment level--Prechoice. It is a process. You have to go through the process and it will happen.
If you skip the steps in the process and demand yourself to Release, I think this may then be a false release; a denial instead.

HUGS,
RCR

[JennyF]

Great post RCR, thanks.
Cagzmom,
I've been struggling with this myself. I don't even recognize my H anymore. He is like a complete stranger to me.
This helps me to detach and let go. I am still mourning the loss of the guy I married, the one I love with all my heart. But knowing he is no where to be found at the moment makes it easier. He's frolicking with the other aliens somewhere.

I don't want the guy he is right now. As RCR put it...once he BECOMES the person he is going to be when he gets through this...then I'll revisit it. For now...it's all about me.

I can not remember the author of this, but I cut and paste it into my Solutions journal a while back. It helps me understand the process and that it is just that...a process. It will take time.

Dropping the rope is not something you do.
It is a place that you reach.

You reach it when although you still love your spouse and would still like to see the marriage restored, you have begun to live for yourself happily again.

You drop the rope at the exact moment you know in your gut and in your soul that you ARE okay and further, that you will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.

I'm still loosening my grip...a little more every day.
J~

[cagzmom]

RCR- as always you have unbelievable information. It is thurough and sincere. When I read what you write - it hits home - it is "Real" and more importantly it isn't just thought provoking..it wants me to put "Action" to what I am being taught.

I believe I am beginning to understand some things. I hope at least...

I thought about God today -about the way He so often works. Mary and Marth and Lazarus...we all know the story - Jesus came and Lazurus rose from the dead. BUt have you ever stopped to think....He ALLOWED Lazurus to die. Much like my marriage..it is dead (as RCR illudes to) and the only way new life can spring forth is if I stop choking it out.

I want to be happy - I want to move forward. I want life to show from me- His life- REAL life...

Thank you for the thoughts -- this was a good thread...I think it needs to be bumped for ohters to read...

[cagzmom]

^^