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My R with my wife has been very stressed for a long time. Last year she said that she loved me but was not in love with me. I knew she was unhappy but this really shook me up. I went to a marrage counsler by myself and started working on my anger issues. I read DB and started putting some of the ideas into practice. Things seemed to be improving and then I discovered she had been texting her ex husband for the last year. I flew off the handle and accused her of an EA. We had some rough days and long discussions and she said that he listens and I don't. She said that she will not talk to him anymore. I asked her if the things I have been doing have improved our R and she said very little. I don't know if I'm on the wrong track or she is really hurt and trying to protect her feelings. She admitted to thinking about D and I knew she had been. I know I don't always listen to her and forget some of the things she has told me. When I ask a question about something she has told me or just forget it she automaticlly turnes ice cold. After reading several postings I started the LR and doing a 180d by joing a golf league and signing up to take a class at the local community college. What I need is advise on how to learn to listen better, is there a good book out there I can read? How do I avoid upsetting her and what do I do when it happens? How do I stay positive while I watch my life crash down around me? How much space and time do I give her to recover from accusing her of having an EA? How do you get over the distrust? I know now she did not physically have an EA with him but it was emotional and that to me is almost as bad.

T 20
M 17

Me 40
W 42
D 15
S 12

I am just looking for some advice on how to proceed. Any would help.

Since you commented my sitch is similar to yours, I would recommend the best friend approach. Don't challenge her, yes do your things, but do them with her in mind. Ask her so you can schedule your events with the others interests in mind. You will be courtious and mindful of what she needs.

Stay in C. for any anger issues and work on active listening, there are many books on it and most relationship books at least touch on it. If you give more detail I am sure others will respond as well.

First take a deep breath. You will need to be patient. I know how you feel right now. Everyone here is stressed and looking for answers.

Read as much as you can on this site. There are many good people here who will offer you advice.

You are doing some positive things. If you are still in MC then continue to go whether your W goes or not. Hopefully she will join you but she has to want to go you can't force her. As a matter of fact you can't force her to do anything right now. She has her own issues and problems to deal with.

It appears you GAL for yourself so continue to do that.

Appear positive as much as you can. I know it's hard but put on an act if you have to around your W.

Don't talk about your M or your R with your wife. She will feel it as being pressured.

I use to think that I heard my W when she said something but now I realize that I did not listen to her. If she asks for something or says something to you make sure she gets your undivided attention and look her in the eye when she is speaking. Make sure you understand what she is saying by asking her questions about what she has said to you. Be an active listener and really hear what she is saying. if you can't remember exactly what she said then grab paper and write down what she has said or asks of you after you leave the room.

Keep doing what you are doing, read other sitches on this board, especially the ones having to do with affairs and apply some of the things that those people did that might work in your sitch. Be ready to change what you are doing and try something different.

Be patient, because this is a rollercoaster ride that sucks. Don't give up but don't push or pressure your W either.

I have asked her to go to MC but she refused. As I look back I did not notice her efforts to work on our marriage or her crys for help. I thought I was doing everything I could. I think we just did not understand the differences in our approach to working on our M. It was easy for the OM to listen to her b/c he has no children. With kids its hard to just sit down and talk and when someone else did thats where she put in her time.

She is good at hiding her feelings and keeps them very bottled up. I tryed to convince her to spend more time alone without kids but it never happened. I now know after reading alot of your stichs that I need to move on with my life without her. I lost touch with people I use to hang out with in order to help take care of the kids and the house. I guess thats was all I ended up with. I just hope it is not too late and I can get my life back and hopefully she comes with it.

We still live together and sleep in the same bed but I am thinking of moving to another room. Maybe that would be good for both of us. She has told me that sometimes she wished I would just leave but not all the time. By sleeping in seperate beds it may allow her to know what it would be like.

Only you can decide what is best in regards to the bedroom deal. If the communcation verbal and non verbal indicates she wants that, then maybe, you would be listening to her. On the flip side you don't want to foster anymore distance than you already have.

Maybe you could ask her if she would prefer you move to the other room.

I know it has been two months since I have posted but alot has been going on. I am in the process of starting a business with a partner and working on GAL and avoiding any relationship talks with my W. I have been reading alot of posts here and am getting some good information from them. I just wish us LBS could figure out exactly what the WAW want and need.

My W says she doesn't feel connected to me and some times she wants to try and others she doesn't. She said that her feelings for me are dead and is not sure she will ever get them back. She has said that she has been unhappy for a long time and things between us have been so tense for so long but in the last year they have gotten better. I asked her to open up to me and tell me what she is feeling but her only respoce was that she has hidden her feelings for so long she not sure she has any for me. She also said she has not contacted the OM since I found out about it. I know I need to stop dwelling on this issue because I cannot control it or her and if she is talking to him there is nothing I can do about it.

I have been trying to always be positive around her and we did go out on Friday to dinner and clothes shopping. But its just so hard to know if she is trying or not of if she is just trying to keep peace in the house for now.

I have kept up with M from Tennesse and CBK and it seems your just as confussed with your wives behavior as I am with mine. We still sleep in the same bed but almost never snuggle. I am usually asleep when she comes to bed since I am a morning person and she is a night person. I also have been moving to the couch early in the morning to avoid trying to snuggle with her and then she can wake up alone hoping she will see what she will be missing if I wasn't there. She keeps asking me why I do this and my responce is so my tossing in the morning dosn't wake her.

We have good days and bad. I have been going Golfing, out shopping by myself, working on my new business and trying to spend more time with the kids. I just wish I could detatch more and not worry so much about her. I guess I am like CBK i love her very much and just can't get it through my head that wothout being fully detatch I will never get her back.

Any advice would really be helpful. She has not said anything about D or seperation but a platonic relationship is not what I want.

OK. Here we go.


Any R talks at all, fights, etc. has your W commented on your new business venture. Did you keep her inthe loop about it?



Throw this out the window. LBS can't figure this out. This is about us making ourselves better. She might see something she likes and join you.

.

Does she know that you know how you got where you are? Have you ever told her and taken responsibility for your part?

Forget about the OM for now and don't bring him back up. You outed her, she knows you know. You don't have to keep reminding her about what she did wrong.



Are you still going out on Friday? Don't worry about what she is doing/trying. Worry about what you are doing. Don't give up.

Are you still in the same bed? If so stay there. I would change my schedule where I went to bed at the same time she did if at all possible.

Stop worrying about her and worry about you. I see positives in the sitch but if you chase her then she will run. So stop it.

Are you activly listening to her..Are you tunring off the TV when she talks, looking her in the eyes and soaking up every word she says? If not then I suggest you start. She has a problem with your listening skills and retaining what you hear.

be caring and considerate but don't be be pushy.. there to help when she needs it but don't smother her.

have you read DB or DR yet??

I have read DB and I'm half way thru DR.

Yes we have had R talks. I pressed her about him about three times after I found out she was talking to him but then on 4/25 it was bad because I found a VFW card in her wallet and I knew he was in the service and the only one who could have gotten it for her. I assumed they had been out for drinks, dinner and who knows what else. She said she had not and has not talked to him since she told him I knew and was going to work on our M. She also said that with me pushing so much it makes her want to talk to him. I knew I made a mistake first by snooping and second by confronting her. She still claimed they are just friends and nothing was between them but I don't want to play the fool.

After that I backed way off. Wanted to give her space and time to cool off. I needed to get ready for starting a business and getting my personal stuff in order because I have been at the same company for 23 years. I stated buying new clothes, golfing more, staying after my golf league and having a drink. Doing more scout stuff with my son.

Things don't seem to have improved much over the last month because I knew she was not very happy about me invading her privacy. On June 1st the day before I put in my resignation I had a talk with her. I did take responsibility for my action, my anger and for not being there for her when she needed me. I told her that she was not the reason for my unhappyness and that I should never of let her think it was her responsibility to make me happy it was mine. I also said if I had been more attuned to her needs she would not of had to go outside the M to find it.

She responded by saying she still has not talked to him and that some days she feels like connecting with me and others time she wants out but other than that I did all the talking.

As far as the new busniess , yes I have kept her informed. That is most of our conversations now. I do most of the talking because that is a 180 for me since she did most of it thoughout our M. It also helps me get a small amout of info from her. She has been very tight liped since 4/25.

I also have been really trying to pay attention. Looking into her eyes, turning off tv's and trying to repeat everything she says in my head so that I stay focused on her and nothing else.

I try and get her out alone when I can. The great thing about my kids is they don't like going out to eat often so when I say lets go out to eat with the kids most times they want to stay home and I get a date without it seeming like a date. And yes we are still in the same bed but I do not feel comfortable enough to snuggle up to her, I'm not sure this would be presuing or not. Thats why I have been moving to the couch in the morning. That seems to be when I am the weakest and want her the most.

Also she has been very supportive of my business venture. She knows I have been unhappy in my job and that also contributed to our M problems. I have been alot more upbeat because I know what a great opportunity it is for me. She seems to be very interested and I have to go on her insurance because I wont have any for a while which she did not have a problem with. I have also used it as an excuse to change my hair and clothes but it really was doing 180's and trying to make myself more attactive.
I also told her I wanted to get new colone which she asked why. Then she proceeded to go out buy me new shampoo that is better for my hair type and look at colons that she likes. She also searched the internet for resignation letters and helped me write mine. Again one minute its I have no feeling for you the next she looks for colone for me????? Women.