11:30p Saturday night. Mach1, Thank you for stoping by and adding to my story. I’ve been thinking about what you post and now T2’s story (as I find time to read) multiples times a day. I feel a kinship and you are right on the similarities. I just haven’t written my examination of myself here. Or thought trails from each section of your posts.
Originally Posted by Mach1
And that there is nothing that you can say or do to change this, yet everything that you say or do will change this....
LOL, yea....when that makes sense, you will be on your way....
I have felt the shape of this since early on. Like many things, the devil is in the execution.
You see, when the bomb dropped I quickly looked over my life and found many things needing correcting. One of which was the lack of friends and mentors in my daily life…as I had not been cultivating them in my complacency, depression, etc…. Both the usual story and my own. I see you all as helping to fill in some of the gaps. Oh, to be sure, this does not negate the need for friends and mentors physically present right here, but I knew right from the initial critical analysis, that time was both a gift and my enemy. Many things needing fixing take more time than I had as the need was RIGHT NOW.
Time, time, time…. Prioritizing, sorting, balancing all the things. Work to pay the bills, Animals to take care of, Household chores and maintenance to do. Oh! I forgot. $%#@ I have to move laundry from washer to dryer RIGHT NOW before I forget again and fall asleep. Be right back. … OK. D19 (!! Today Saturday is her birthday, no longer D18 !!), D17, S12 to give each individual attention and time to, Meals to make, groceries to get, fitness to keep up with, books to read, family talk to, Kids activities to do, saw a L three weeks ago for draft settlement review and still haven’t written up the changes I want, DB forum to read, DB posts to write somehow…. And the list goes on without a partner.
I feel blessed and exhausted both. I made a determination to myself early on that kids staying with me, with all the extra effort and money it takes, is my win and my blessing. I will step up and not regret a single minute. A couple days in the life of G...the everything I do and say.
Just before bedtime tonight, “hey D17, we should eat these Kiwi fruits now before they go bad“ D17, “Daaaad, we just got them yesterday!” G, “What?! Did we really? It seems so long ago. What have I been doing? Let me think starting with yesterday, Friday.”
0630 get up, take vitamins, put on shorts, take big dog for a mile walk, feed dogs, shower, make breakfast, help D17 feed baby bird
0715 fire up the work laptop computer as I can work from home today. Check in.
0830 ask D17 to go shopping with me at 0900 for D18’s last birthday gifts and stop by grocery store on the way back. Grumpy at first but agrees and cheers up. See D18 out the door for work. S12 wakes up, make sure he has something to eat.
0930 get text W is taking S12 out for a bit. Wait for an hour and then send back “OK.”
1000 find Lego cars D18 wants, figure out it costs lots less to order online and pick up in the store in an hour, EVEN THOUGH I’M STANDING IN THE STORE! Pick up other small gifts and party supplies. Head out for groceries and will come back for online order pickup….sigh.
1030 get most of the groceries we will need for the next week (those kiwi fruits), head back to first store to pick up online Lego car order.
1130 arrive home again, S12 is back, help make lunch for all, start work again. Find W had gone for donuts with S12 and left a box.
1600 Grab D17 and S12 to take big dog to the dog park for socializing and run about time. Kids need to get out also. S12 grumpy about leaving his computer game. Promise him he can set a 45 minute timer at the park and then we can leave. He settles down as he does better with defined end states.
1800 back working for a bit and then out the door to take D17 to work at her gym then back to work for some more. Give up on work, it is a Friday, and play computer game with S12, D18 arrives home.
1900 make pizza for all with pre-made roll out dough
2030 head out to pick up D17 and return, have everyone help with dishes and some clean up. D17 makes cake for tomorrow’s birthday party.
2130 get kids started on any last hungry issues, gather up dogs for evening walk w/ S12 before bed. He is unhappy because it is D18’s turn but she promises to do the next few nights.
2230 all about ready for bed but each comes and visits me for this or that reason. S12 asks where is mom? “I don’t know son.”
2330 I think I can turn out the light now. Mind spins around thinking DB thoughts. I do not get enough sleep with this schedule.
0630 get up, take vitamins, put on shorts, take big dog for a mile walk, feed dogs, shower, make breakfast, help D17 feed baby bird. She goes back to sleep. Weekend sleeping in does not exist any more for me. Take care of little dogs
0700 D19! Now! Opens one eye and I wish her Happy Birthday. She shuts eye again. Ask her to get up as I’m taking S12 and D19! on a bike ride with a friend I’ve made this year. Our daughters knew each other before, though his are much younger. We need to leave at 8. I hook up bike rack and fasten bikes and gather supplies.
0730 D17 leaves with W for gym.
0800 Me, S12 and D19! depart for his house where there are paved trails. We stop by drive through donut shop for breakfast sandwiches. We, along with friend and two of his kids, ride bikes at a leisurely pace for the kids with a grocery store destination. I buy a 18 pack of popsicles, three each, and we eat them all. We get back to his house just in time for him to depart for a swim graduation
1100 arrive home and ensure kids help put away all biking stuffs.
1130 It turns out W texts D19 and asks her to pick up D17 from gym as she forgot a prior engagement. D19 is upset with W for throwing last minute tasks at her repeatedly. I said I’d go and get D17. Ask D19 to do lunch things for S12.
1200 pick up D17 from gym and take her to pet store to buy more baby bird food. She wants to bring home rescued kittens. I say NO. Buy her a chicken sandwich lunch as the other two got a take out breakfast. She is always extra hungry after gym.
1245 package delivered with some of D19’s gifts. Whew! Got lucky.
It also contains a PD-1638 mechanical watch mentioned in Sunflyer's thread. I picked silver and blue. A 180? Maybe as I haven't worn a watch in 20+ years. This was more for taking care of me as I love complicated mechanical things.
1300 Start Birthday Party prep with D17 and S12. D19 told to stay in her room. Balloons, streamers, frosting the cake made last night, dinosaur theme and we have little wind up dinosaurs. Final presents wrapped. Our fingers all stained from food coloring for the frosting.
1330 W arrives for our little party. She goes and lays on couch, facing the wall. Apparently napping. S12 covers her with blanket. D17 and I bounce around with final prep. D19 complains of being bored waiting.
1400 Gifts, cake, song. Happy smiles. Out of a gift set, D17 claims clip on earrings D19 doesn’t want. D19 seems happy with her gifts.
D17, “Daddy, D19 said she would get her ears pierced again if you did. You did promise you would and I want a second one in my right ear.” G, “OK, I did promise. Look up where and we will make plans.” W, … looks on at the conversation. Can’t tell what she thinks….
This is a 180 for me certainly. I’ve never had a desire or gotten any tattoos or piercings. I’m doing it to step out of my comfort zone and for daughters. Perhaps an example to S12. My only caveat is mine must be masculine.
1500 W departs looking tired.
1530 D17 wants to to it right now today. O! OK, I say, find a place and the requirements. We will do it right now. We find out she needs a notarized state permission form as she is a minor. I search and find a public notary service open on a Saturday. Print the form.
This is another 180 for me. I like to take my time and consider all the factors and implications. Do it right now... feels odd and exciting.
1600 We depart leaving S12 at home playing game update he had been waiting for. Find and accomplish the notarized form. Find the tattoo/piercing place. It is clean and professional looking. Interesting cast of employees and their semi-revealing dress and creative use of language. They were all kind and helpful. I ask for D19 about the swim lessons she teaches and healing. They say absolutely not within 30+ days.
She looks crushed and about to burst into tears. She had worked up her courage, worked her heart into acceptance, would have something meaningful on her birthday to remember with us…but…to be denied because she needed her work. I resisted the urge to fix it for her. I tried to validate how she felt. As D17 and I get ours done, D19 messages friends and they recommend water sealing bandaids and ear covers. I tell D19 that is an acceptable risk if she still wants to get her ears done. We just won’t tell the piercing place… she considers.
I go first and have left ear done with small black onyx pin. D17 goes next and squeezes my hand next to crushing, though I give no sign how hard she squeezes. She gets a small emerald color gem in upper ear. D19 has joy and fear in her face now when I ask her decision. She says yes, let’s do it. The technician takes a look at her ears and says hey wait, you have old holes in your ears I think I can just open back up. It will save you $$ and recovery time! Both ear piercings are opened back up with an audible “POP!” And some pain. D19 refuses to squeeze my hand. She gets small clear gems in each ear. I pay for us all. The titanium costs extra, but let us do this right. D19 opens up about how upset she was. Just about breaking down and sitting in the car. She is beaming now though and ordering ear coverings online.
1900 back home and making some food. Birthday mess cleanup will wait until tomorrow. D19 heads to store to meet friend and spend gift cards. The rest all relax for an hour. Whew what a day so far.
2000 set about collecting medical bills for insurance plan purposes
2100 help with baby bird feeding, get dogs ready for evening walk, minor pick up the house
2130 when taking out trash, notice W sitting outside the house in her car, apparently doom scrolling social media on her phone. I wonder how long she has been there. She doesn’t notice me I think. D19 messages she will be back home at 2200 to walk dogs with me.
2145 W enters house briefly and dogs go nuts. She calls out to S12 to meet her outside and exits again. S12 was on his way to brush his teeth and continues on to do so.
2200 I walk dogs with D19 and W is still outside on her phone, going and coming back.
2230 W group messages to send S12 out to her. D19 does so. Did she really wait outside in her car for over an hour?
2300 everyone is finally in their beds. I look over Mach1’s post and think of all the things I thought about writing
2330 It is now 11:30p on Saturday night and I’m finally writing something. It turns into something about time, everything we do and say, and inspired by Kiwi fruits, and being so busy I forget things.
g
H:54 W:50 D18, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
I'm glad that I was able to bring you to thought...
I've always been a "teach a Man to fish" kind of poster rather than a "give a Man a fish"...
KWIM ?
Over the years, and because of my friendship with Jack. I have also become friends with Mrs. J3B, and we have had several conversations about her time in MLC, what she was thinking (or lack thereof) , what she was seeing, feeling, etc....
And one reason I bring this up with you, is about the balance of what I speak of....
Nothing...
Everything...
It's a razors edge for sure.
One thing that I was told by her, was that she was always watching, often times not believing even though it was in front of her. And it was the integrity that Jack acted with, that first made her want to watch more closely. And it was his consistency that eventually prompted her to be more inquisitive.
Which is odd, because Jack always said that his pride was his "ride or die"....
Pride was the hill that he stood on, often times for far too long, and one of his greatest opponents. He walked that line daily, between it being motivation, yet not allowing it to become his downfall.
Mrs. Beans said that after her "bottom", she knew that she had 3 choices to make....
She could return the the marriage, hoping that what she saw had become real...
She could continue with status quo, knowing that it never really fulfilled her heart...
Or, she could remain alone forever, because Jack was her one true love...
Jack, on the other hand. The King of "stop snooping" , found her journal one day that she had left during a visit with the boys....
And there were multiple pages with merely....
"I MISS JACK"
In various scripts and colors....
While hopeful...he had DB on one shoulder, and Pride sat firmly entrenched on the other...
What she feared, and the thing that she worked the hardest to overcome...
Was the feeling of being judged..
And the fear of being judged, while it being strong from others....
Played a vital role in her having difficulties with forgiveness....
I linked T2's thread because I see a lot of his posting style in you....
The way he processed, and thought. I see that you could be Kindred posters, and that you could learn from one hell of a guy. He too went through a metamorphosis to become what he should have always been. And I think a lot of us have done that post bomb, and many have been surprised on how instinctively that has happened for us.
I have also witnessed several Men in that situation burn out quickly from doing that. The sustained instant accountability becomes overwhelming if the reason is merely obtaining a goal. When the goal fades, so does the façade of changing because we simply felt the need to change...
Mind you, that has NOT happened with T2, and only time will tell with your story..
This process....DB.....
Is about consistency (as you know by now).....
DBing is a way of life for me now, and why do it at all if I wasn't going to continue it.
You're a deep thinker Grok, and sometimes deep thinkers scare me a bit.
As I think about it , what comes to mind is....
"Beware The Ides of March....."
I see a strong, capable, confident man taking the wheel and steering the ship....
What I also see....
Is a strong, capable man taking the wheel and steering the ship....
Be careful Grok....on which shoulder wins...
Keep reading T2....
Things get interesting around thread 14, 15, 16.....
While continuing to read through T2's threads, this resonated. My W hasn't gone for the crazy spew for she is too smart and introspective on her own. The dissonance and conflict within does generate warped thinking and feeling though. With detachment now I can more clearly see it. To me, the warping was too subtle to see at first when delivered by the person I trusted most in the world.
Originally Posted by Kimmerz
But this time around, I was able to read that without taking it personally and looking at it objectively, as if maybe it were a friend asking me to read this from her WAS/MLCer. This time what I saw was someone taking absolutely no responsibility for their issues or emotions. Someone playing the complete victum. It was almost as if he were in complete denial of his very own life that he chose to partake in. Also in complete denial of how he sabatoged many things, yet pointed the finger at me.
W, "G, you know I never went looking for this." Because I wasn't the initiator, I'm justified accepting OM's attentions.
W, "I can't go back! I have to burn it all down to the ground so I can move forward." My current feelings for OM override values and principles I have lived by. I can see no other path than follow my feelings.
W, "I know I never thew a fit or stomped my feet but...." I just let my resentment build.
W, "G, how long did you expect me to wait?" I'm a passive victim waiting for you to be who I wanted you to be.
W, "I had to do EVERYTHING" I believe all my chosen life / lifestyle choices were yours to do also.
Negative sentiment override. I have the messages where she praises me for taking care of "everything" while she pursues chosen career and outside the home activities for years.
I asked my sister #2 about that last one for a reality check and described what "everything" included. This sister is perfectly willing to 2X4 me over my head. Was I really that bad? Sister, "but G, every one of those things were life and careeer choices SHE CHOSE! Now she is unhappy with the result of her own choices. And she is repeating those same patterns now..."
W, "There wasn't US time. We didn't go out and do things together." You are responsible for US not making time for ourselves.
As W kept the family social and kids schedule. She booked activities for her and kids 6+ days a week. When asked about which thing(s) to give up to make time...I never got an answer. Me? Well, I should have just overridden instead of asked and waited. I had been trying to give respect in our agreed domains.
W, "No one will understand. I'll always be the villian."
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H:54 W:50 D18, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
Reasons not to snoop or sometimes snooping finds you
Originally Posted by TSquared2
It is funny how we can be going along all detached and coping okay, then some little thing sets off a trigger and bam! it is all in front of our face and taking over our minds and hearts, again.
Breaking off a piece of detach....back to trusting God, the universe, etc. (oh, AND trusting ME!).
W is sometimes not careful with what she thinks is communication with OM or sometimes doesn't realize what can be visible on social media. Last year she described this is how she "secretly" communicated with him by responding to anon social media posts. "Oh, G, this is just him protecting his family. His the most caring man in the world." What is this warped thinking?
Yesterday my detachment thrown for a while when in my FB feed appeared her comment of "Take a cold shower? <LOL emoji><Halo emoji><kiss emoji><fire emoji>" in response to a meme of "You are all I need to set my dirtiest fantasies in motion" by account Love and Lust.
D17 later, "What's wrong daddy? Did something bad happen?" G, "Just something between me and your mother. I'm sorry for making you worry. YOU are fine and wonderful."
I'm not even sure if many of these things are real communication. They may be social media AI giving her feed what she reacts to. She believes OM follows her (or sends "his people" to) around town because she is too precious to him. Or flies drones over to visit her sometimes. I saw only birds flying by.
From T2's thread -
"Do you have the patience to wait until the mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?" Lao Tsu
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H:54 W:50 D18, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
Mine is in all top secret social media mode, she scrubbed everything recently that had me in it so she could get a clean slate with OM4, I still have her login and see her communication with him via Instagram, and much like the last guy she's trying to replicate small interactions with him like she did with me, it's quite sad to see, but I use it as fuel to realize that once is a mistake but repeating the behaviour now with om4 om3 etc. It's given me a clear understanding that she has some sort of personality disorder. It's almost as if social media is the gateway drug to wayward wives living out their fantasies, instagram is literally tailored and the algorithm feeds their emotional desires and feeds it back to them ad nauseum. If anything it has become the greatest enabler of egotistical narcissistic behaviour, and people don't realize they are being brainwashed. It's become a playground for lost people It's given people an escape from reality and from responsibility and made them feel young and carefree again.
But be careful how much you choose to see on it regarding your WW. It can either become pain shopping or motivation to move on and forego any form of reconciliation. I'm using it personally to push myself to make the move and fortify my decisions
Reasons not to snoop or sometimes snooping finds you
Originally Posted by TSquared2
It is funny how we can be going along all detached and coping okay, then some little thing sets off a trigger and bam! it is all in front of our face and taking over our minds and hearts, again.
Breaking off a piece of detach....back to trusting God, the universe, etc. (oh, AND trusting ME!).
W is sometimes not careful with what she thinks is communication with OM or sometimes doesn't realize what can be visible on social media. Last year she described this is how she "secretly" communicated with him by responding to anon social media posts. "Oh, G, this is just him protecting his family. His the most caring man in the world." What is this warped thinking?
Yesterday my detachment thrown for a while when in my FB feed appeared her comment of "Take a cold shower? <LOL emoji><Halo emoji><kiss emoji><fire emoji>" in response to a meme of "You are all I need to set my dirtiest fantasies in motion" by account Love and Lust.
D17 later, "What's wrong daddy? Did something bad happen?" G, "Just something between me and your mother. I'm sorry for making you worry. YOU are fine and wonderful."
I'm not even sure if many of these things are real communication. They may be social media AI giving her feed what she reacts to. She believes OM follows her (or sends "his people" to) around town because she is too precious to him. Or flies drones over to visit her sometimes. I saw only birds flying by.
From T2's thread -
"Do you have the patience to wait until the mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?" Lao Tsu
g
Hey G....
Be careful over in T2's old place....there may still be a Feral Cat or two running around in there...: )
I have always seen snooping as...
Don't ask questions that you don't want the answer to....
IF you can handle what you read, and understand that anyone can be anything that they want to be on Social Media, and that not everything that's out there, is "real"...
She is trying to create this "perfect" life now, and what is portrayed is mostly that.
IF it bothers you, then silence the feed for 30 days and see where you are then....
And LMAO at the idea of OM following her around...
He may, or he may not be doing that...
Of course, she may be picking up signals in her dental work too....
It's almost as if social media is the gateway drug to wayward wives living out their fantasies, instagram is literally tailored and the algorithm feeds their emotional desires and feeds it back to them ad nauseum. If anything it has become the greatest enabler of egotistical narcissistic behaviour, and people don't realize they are being brainwashed. It's become a playground for lost people It's given people an escape from reality and from responsibility and made them feel young and carefree again.
And more…. I am familiar with what is attempted by some of the smartest people in the world on human behavior manipulation, with minimal ethics. These platforms are used not just by their owners, but by state and non-state actors for their own purposes. If you have read “The Art of Seduction” and see how behaviors can be involuntarily triggered… just imagine that on an industrial scale designed by experts and targeted using AI/Neural Network pattern recognition. Yeah, …. Keeping my kids to limited use and showing them how to recognize it’s addictive properties.
Originally Posted by Catman19
But be careful how much you choose to see on it regarding your WW. It can either become pain shopping or motivation to move on and forego any form of reconciliation.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I have always seen snooping as...
Don't ask questions that you don't want the answer to....
IF you can handle what you read,
Well, I’ve done snooping, though not for a while now. I tried to heed the advice of if you can handle it, the intel collection can be valuable. I forget, was that Puppy or? Indicators and warnings, situational awareness, and it ended up primarily for me a “temp check” she was unaware of. It helped refocus ME away from HER. I also saw some of her confessions of internal turmoil, helping with empathy.
Originally Posted by Mach1
understand that anyone can be anything that they want to be on Social Media, and that not everything that's out there, is "real”…
I do understand. I’m old school. I was around when the meme "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog" came about in 1993. At the time messing around as a side project at work installing Trumpet Winsock to get office computers connected to the internet. Used Gopher, Usenet, and email mostly because the WWW was just begining. And I’m not even IT, there just wasn’t anyone else to do it. Oh wow, do I date myself!
Originally Posted by Mach1
And LMAO at the idea of OM following her around... He may, or he may not be doing that... Of course, she may be picking up signals in her dental work too.... WMLC...all crazy, all the time....
<laughs> True, and I do need people to poke at me and set me to reality. You see, the people I work with could certainly do such an operation if resources were given. I have a pretty good idea of just what it would take. She believed OM had access to the video from cameras around town and could watch her from them. Yes, I personally know that is possible with the right software, databases, and intrusion knowledge. But in reality for a given OM to have skills, resources, money, and connections? Yeah, don’t think so.
Originally Posted by Catman19
Be careful over in T2's old place....there may still be a Feral Cat or two running around in there...: )
The analogy made me laugh, .. and think how apt it is. I needed the chuckle.
11p, all finally in bed and S12 came to lay beside me restless. I did get time to game with him for an hour this evening. Strategies to clear a BloonsTD6 map. Time to go.
g
H:54 W:50 D18, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
Mach1, I did say I think on the words said here....
Originally Posted by Mach1
And one reason I bring this up with you, is about the balance of what I speak of....
Nothing...
Everything...
It's a razors edge for sure.
And the next day randomly in my "make a playlist for me Spotify," an artist and song unknown to me. The album "Everything & Nothing" by David Sylvian. Huh.
Blackwater
I hold you in A sea of silence On the borderline of truth Open violence I see no sign I see no place I've loved Depending on the signs To find the road ... I see her cry I see the face I have loved Depending on the blind To find the road
Blackwater take me with you To the place that I have spoken Come lead me through the morning For the land that I long to see again
Originally Posted by Mach1
He was also a walkaway, from his first marriage. And I think a lot of that allowed him to find empathy in his situation.
For me? Hmmmm... after all the pain and internal re-examination this year I still would find it hard to ever be a walk away myself. Push comes to shove and all that. For me, empathy comes from examining me from her perspective. Did I really mean my claims and statements over the years?
- "I Love You," Did I really mean it and what does that mean right now?
I discovered I did, and how I felt about US and chose to act was not dependent on whether she was cold or warm. I had CHOSEN at our begining and to me that was final. Yes, I found my definition since our begining was Love is a choice, verb, and then feeling. The choice is permenent for me. The verb I succeed and fail at over the years, but always intend. The feeling...well it follows how well I am doing at the verb.
- What is a M? What are vows?
I rolled this around for a while. I can only hold me accountable for my own. I think what resonated with me was the notion that M is a covenant created by God. We joined it together. Break with God at your peril. Answer to Him for your part.
WW, "But G, you didn't Cherish ME!" What?! I have ALWAYS FELT that way. W used words that didn't translate well to my thought process. Eventually translated - "you didn't say and do things in my language that I would feel cherished by." The notion of her pain and unhappiness, thinking she was not cherrished was more painful than an OM, who is just a symptom. W has had a tendancy since the begining to assume the worst interpretations and roll around in unhappy feelings without telling me.
- "for better or worse," What does this mean to me in this mess?
Originally Posted by Mach1
Jack would have been a fan of you though....
Encouraging you to burn every ounce of fuel to outlast her MLC, to find a way through this while causing minimal damage. To find one more day within yourself. He would ask if she was worth it, the waiting for her to figure herself out before a bell was rung that could not be un-rung..
This is definitionally "worse." When I took four years to say "I Do," I kept working through all the "worse" situations I could think of and testing myself. I still did not imagine this one. For me this mess is an "outside context problem." See Ian Banks novels where the term originates or just google.
Going in I had NO frame of reference to deal with any of this. No doubt a pile of failure on my part by not growing my relationship skills and understanding over the years. I had thought W is certainly more skilled at this than me so I will leave it to her. A faulty way of thinking. Abdicating my responsibilities for my end.
It turns out I meant it. And it is God's covenant I joined with W. So what follows was simple to me. From Love and instinct, I opened the cage door in my first reply to her DB1. I also stated I don't believe it is right or good but is chaos and destruction. My actual words. I will not actively participate. I will not block. I will not deny your agency.
W, "G, if you tell me I can't D, I won't. I will submit but I will be angry and unhappy and separate." G, "W, I will not keep you like some caged bird."
Trying for minimal damage while balancing all the other things ... How much damage to me do I accept or can bear to minimize others? Damage to her? No, I went very dim/dark since last fall when she moved herself out. I say little. I just do. Though this may be perceived as more of the same. I did not ask for the house key back. There are no restrictions to her coming over for the children. I have more peace NOT in her presence right now but the kids balance now is as good as could possibly be hoped in this.
My metaphor - for her was a little sun shining deep in my core. Now imploded into a black hole and threatening to devour ME. Unless. Unless. I could grow faster than that event horizon could suck bits in.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I have also witnessed several Men in that situation burn out quickly from doing that. The sustained instant accountability becomes overwhelming if the reason is merely obtaining a goal. When the goal fades, so does the façade of changing because we simply felt the need to change...
So, my goal is steps beyond a R with W. I don't control that. I am slowly gaining words to wrap around it. I was asked by W, by IC, by pastor, by others... the short response was to grow. Into what I should have been all along. Into the person, man, father, husband?, friend, son, brother, ... I want to be. I don't think there is an end here to this process. Picking framworks and applying. PIES is useful. Working on known unknowns. Trying to find unknown unknowns.
So, I'm not quiting or stopping. -Till we burn out the sun- If W completes her D, it doesn't change where I'm going. Every week I gain better strength and equlibrium. Not less pain, really. I'm just stronger to accept what is. Analogy - In college days I had a friend who took me to the gym weight lifting every day for a year. I did get a lot stronger that year. The workouts were never less painful though. No matter how strong I got.
Filter - Burn out the Sun
Oh no we're blind again we just lost the sight of it Everything and all that we had ever done We need to see again we stopped listening And that's on all of us this time Our hearts are still sold from a simple time And our wants are still old and we do or die I hope we find a way I hope we get away Just a rescue from a lost lonely time
I feel so tired But time keeps marching on I can't sleep till all These clouds are gone
Till they're gone Till they're gone Till we burn out the sun
I keep thinking I'll make short posts. I keep failing. And these are a fraction of the things I connect each day. The inside joke - I say I'm a simple man. Things often appear simple to me and each thing logically flows from the others. The family rolls their eyes..."G, you are the most complex simple man alive."
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H:54 W:50 D18, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 – 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
So, my goal is steps beyond a R with W. I don't control that.
I keep thinking I'll make short posts. I keep failing.
You don't control it right now, but it seems to me the advice around here is that the LBS does control the relationship in the end. And if you haven't gotton to that point yet then it is not the end.
