My condolences for your Dad. How amazing and special that the things that are important were openly shared. I can only imagine his sense of pride at your choices to do better for yourself and your kids. Raising a child to be a good person and make their own way in the world...
I'm tired Gracie my dear....It's been a loooooooong year so far. 2022 can go F itself....
And thank you.....and for far more than condolences...
That certainly wasn't always the case for our relationship. He didn't understand and only wanted me to live closer for a long time. It's one of the "for worse" times that we went through. My future wasn't working the way that he had planned it out to be. I packed everything that I owned into my car when I was 19, and moved 6 hours from "home" to be where I am today. ( and not just my location on a map ) And I'm sure that there was a longing for me to live the life that he had lived. Dinner once a week, Saturdays hunting or fishing, and football Sundays. Other than his military service, he had lived his life within a 10 mile square. I think that our biggest obstacle was that the pain over me moving became too great for him, and it became easier for him to distance himself from me to avoid the pain. I thank God that neither of us gave up though. We kept fighting through it, and over time, we worked through it, and I think that he eventually saw that I had built a better life for myself and his Grandchildren than they could have ever had being there. He had told me that he was proud of what I did, and that I had done the right thing even if he didn't understand or like it at the time.
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Your son could make the effort and he could decide it isn't worth the effort to him. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it is possible. I imagine there is a lot of pain involved in feeling like your Mom, only tolerates you. No disrespect intended.
I've been told, I was the "safe" one and I think you are too. The one that is steadfast and available. Because of that we can be left to the side a bit because they know we'll be there. The effort being spent in trying to forge something with her Mom, might feel overwhelming.
You and I have had the "safe parent" conversation numerous times, and we agree completely on that. I have always been the safe parent. So I saw (as did you) all of their anger over the years. That's what made our conversation even more powerful for me.
I dunno, It's hard for me to hear some of it. As much as I wanted to gloat for what I did, I feel horribly for them, and the hill that they have to climb to get where they should have been. I told him that all he could do was to give the effort until he felt that he was sacrificing himself for it, then re-evaluate it and see where he was then. That it's gonna take a lot of work to get through it by BOTH of them. And it's okay to put a pin in it if the timing wasn't working, or if he needed to recharge a bit. Yet it has to be between them. I didn't help break it, so therefore I cannot help fix it.
Also that he was going to have to do the lions share of the work starting out. Because she is oblivious to the damage that has been done in their relationship.
Originally Posted by Grace_OM
Do you know what this looks like? Are there very specific things or more interpretive? Are you able to and take care of yourself? I know you're awesome, but you gotta put your oxygen mask on first.
I think that it's much like what advice I gave my Son...
In reality, I really have zero clue what that looks like, and I think it will ebb and flow and morph into it's own entity over time. I know that I am nowhere even close to dealing with this on the level that I should be dealing with it. It's almost like I am "stacking" grief up in a corner until I am ready to deal with it. I know that isn't healthy, yet I don't know of any other way through this at the moment.
I did join a couple grief groups, and no offense to any of them, I'm not sure that I couldn't lead them. Call me crazy, yet if I am the one supporting and offering ways to go through this, then when is it my turn to grieve ?
I do know that supporting my Step Mother doesn't mean supporting her AND my sisters. I feel like she is being "handled" by them, and I'm not gonna get much of a chance to just talk with her until some of this falls away. Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to most of the time, and sometimes it isn't the way I want them to. (those damned expectations right? )
So I think that my oxygen mask looks like me getting through losing K, and being there to check in occasionally. Being there if she decides to reach out, and letting the rest fall where it may. I really don't have a problem walking away from it all if it becomes too much, or the drama meter goes to full.
Yesterday was a pretty crappy day all around. One week since my Father passed, the anniversary of losing J3B, it is also the day that K moved here back in 2011 so that we could start our life together. On top of it being a Thursday......sigh
A lot of stuff to sort out for sure....yet oddly enough, I don't feel like I am overwhelmed right now. I had a few moments yesterday, had a short message exchange with Jeff's wife, and took a step. I don't think that forward or backward matters right now, as long as it's a step.
New thread coming to a theatre near you soon....check back for video preview....
