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A Message from Michele
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Re: This is really happening...?!? [Re: KelseyJG] #2868883
10/19/19 11:21 PM
10/19/19 11:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 6
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KelseyJG Offline OP
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KelseyJG  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 6
Having a rough day. I've worked the past two nights and haven't slept well between shifts so that's probably part of it.

The other day, I posted about packing up some of his stuff that was still boxed up with the rest of our mutual belongings and leaving it for him for when he came over to take the dogs out. I thought I was being strong and letting go by "helping" him complete the move-out process. When I got home in the morning, the box was gone. He didn't say anything to me about it. I tried not to have expectations of some contact, but I was disappointed nonetheless. Like it really got to me. I know I'm supposed to not believe anything he says and only half of what he does. Well, he's not saying anything and everything he's doing is continuing to pull away/distance himself. I feel that hope of reconciliation slipping away from me.

I'm assuming the advice to not contact him, let him initiate contact still stands? Has anyone else experienced this--where your spouse just doesn't reach out at all?

Re: This is really happening...?!? [Re: KelseyJG] #2868905
10/20/19 06:04 PM
10/20/19 06:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 366
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DaB35 Offline
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Posts: 366
United Kingdom
Hi Kelsey, yes I'm experiencing this with my W. I was the one who caused her to BD - I admit I made the mistakes. But she wasn't perfect either.

The hardest thing is resisting the temptation to reach out. It does get easier over time; over a matter of weeks I found that, by doing activities for myself alone, the need to get that 'fix' of a reaction (however small) from my W diminished. That is not to say I don't miss her. I have moments when I wish a DeLorean time machine did exist, and I'd go back a comfortable distance - say a couple of years - and just sort everything out, knowing what I know now. But I can't do that. So you have to look ahead instead.

I would get the odd thanks text if I did certain things, but now we hardly speak - I've not seen her for 5 weeks, and she's probably texted me 10 times in that time. I think all you can do is expect it.

You have to show him that life without you will be rubbish. That's why you go out and do stuff; make yourself feel good about yourself. You'll act and be more confident and that should unnerve him.

Your actions will say so much more than just words in a text to him. Make them count.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: This is really happening...?!? [Re: KelseyJG] #2868911
10/20/19 09:31 PM
10/20/19 09:31 PM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Online
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kas99  Online
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if I could go back and knock some sense into myself I would. My H would text after he moved out but it was about money, kids, not much but more than it needed to be. A handful of texts but mostly it felt like he was getting the best of both worlds, the freedom of single life and me as plan B. As long as I packed his stuff, played nice, I donít know it gave a false hope that maybe heíd change his mind. He didnít but I hung on every word, every text. As the business end of our relationship ended so did the texts. Days, weeks, nothing but as soon as I started feeling better heíd send some lame text, lame to me anyway. This went on for 4.5 months before Iíd had enough. For my own sanity it had to stop.

Iíve gone dark. 2.5 months now. Iíve sent 2 separate one line questions via email (I no longer text) that I needed answers to but thatís it. He answered and I didnít reply. We have kids but they are teenagers so we parallel parent. No contact.

This is bothering my H (slightly) but itís helping me a lot. Take your power back. Find your dignity and self respect. Show him with your actions that you can and will be okay without him. The sooner you can master this the sooner you will feel better. It will be the hardest thing youíve ever done but no do not contact him and if he contacts you wait a day (or at least 30 minutes) then answer. All business.

Re: This is really happening...?!? [Re: KelseyJG] #2868996
10/21/19 05:11 PM
10/21/19 05:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 5,916
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Steve85 Online
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Originally Posted by KelseyJG
Having a rough day. I've worked the past two nights and haven't slept well between shifts so that's probably part of it.

The other day, I posted about packing up some of his stuff that was still boxed up with the rest of our mutual belongings and leaving it for him for when he came over to take the dogs out. I thought I was being strong and letting go by "helping" him complete the move-out process. When I got home in the morning, the box was gone. He didn't say anything to me about it. I tried not to have expectations of some contact, but I was disappointed nonetheless. Like it really got to me. I know I'm supposed to not believe anything he says and only half of what he does. Well, he's not saying anything and everything he's doing is continuing to pull away/distance himself. I feel that hope of reconciliation slipping away from me.

I'm assuming the advice to not contact him, let him initiate contact still stands? Has anyone else experienced this--where your spouse just doesn't reach out at all?


We've seen sitches where this was the case. However, eventually, they all reach out. It may take 6 hours, or 6 months. Eventually he will reach out. Kelsey, the key to handling this isn't whether or not you contact him. Of course you should not. What you should not be doing is sitting by the phone waiting for him to reach out. Get out there and GAL like a madwoman!


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: This is really happening...?!? [Re: Steve85] #2869220
10/22/19 08:50 PM
10/22/19 08:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 6
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KelseyJG Offline OP
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KelseyJG  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the responses. I am practicing self-control and have not reached out to him. I'm really trying to stick to the LRT. I have been keeping busy, reaching out to new friends, going new places, etc. I'm meditating daily and really working on shifting my internal dialogue to one of more self-compassion. I think it's working. I woke up this morning and for the first time in WEEKS (maybe even months), my first thoughts were not about my husband or our situation! I can't even remember what it was, just something mundane and "normal", but it was so freeing to not be automatically consumed by this.

I then went about my day and while out shopping, my husband texted me! He said, "So I know you said we could meet to catch up but not discuss anything...my thing is I would like that, but I'm not sure it wouldn't come up...I'm down to meet for a coffee or food to talk sometime, but vice versa I wouldn't want to talk about the opposite, i.e. talking me out of it which might also come up." I haven't responded yet. I was hoping I could get some input from the group here. Thoughts on how to respond??

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