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A Message from Michele
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Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2872429
11/18/19 12:11 AM
11/18/19 12:11 AM
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Posts: 83
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Caligirl Offline
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Caligirl  Offline
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May many hugs going your way . This is one definitely for the vets .

I think the coach advise with being a little bit more patient . I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it . He knows you know he lied .

I would distance yourself when he comes back but be friendly . Amp up your GAL. He may try to bait you when he gets back . It easier for him to move out if you take the bait . Don’t give him that .

Right now you are running on anger . Try to give it a few days and see how you feel when he returns .

Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: Caligirl] #2872438
11/18/19 01:29 AM
11/18/19 01:29 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 97
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may22 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Caligirl
May many hugs going your way . This is one definitely for the vets .

I think the coach advise with being a little bit more patient . I wouldn’t pay too much attention to it . He knows you know he lied .

I would distance yourself when he comes back but be friendly . Amp up your GAL. He may try to bait you when he gets back . It easier for him to move out if you take the bait . Don’t give him that .

Right now you are running on anger . Try to give it a few days and see how you feel when he returns .
Thanks, CG... I needed that. I think at this point I'm going to go as NC as possible while he's away. No real reason to chat with him. He texted me a bit ago and I'm ignoring it.

When he gets back, my parents will already be here, and then my entire family (brothers, spouses and kids) for a week, so not a great time to be distant since I know he already sometimes feels a bit on the outs when my family is around-- would be a pretty easy way to make him feel crappy and drive him further away. Right now I'm thinking NC as much as possible until he returns, then friendly/nice in person... then maybe recalibrate with a little more distance after they leave. I am definitely feeling the anger right now.

Would love more opinions on this too...


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019 (started Jan 2019)
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2872461
11/18/19 01:33 PM
11/18/19 01:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
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Caligirl Offline
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Caligirl  Offline
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I wouldn’t pull back if you go friendly/nice when your family is here . Too much from NC to friendly/nice to recalibrating .

Distant but friendly. Do the friendly house guest your coach said weeks ago .Enjoy time with your family . Really enjoy your family !!! It’s a tough balance . Don’t let his trip get into your head or emotions .

Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2872499
11/18/19 05:41 PM
11/18/19 05:41 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 66
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KristinG Offline
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KristinG  Offline
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May,

Girl have I been here before. I am sure your head is spinning and you feel completely panicked. Breathe. The whole situation just s*cks. The vets probably have much better advice than I could muster. But I'm thinking about you and you're not alone. I agree with Cali in that I wouldn't go from NC to friendly and then back as it could come off as too hot and cold. I'm still wrapping my head around what a good balance actually means myself, but the friendly approach seems to effect your WH in a good way. Sending you lots of hugs today.

Kristin


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Re: ILBY & EA-- help! [Re: may22] #2872516
11/18/19 06:40 PM
11/18/19 06:40 PM
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by May
I feel like it is incredibly disrespectful to me for him to continue to be in contact with her and lying about it.

Ouch! It must be frustrating to make so much progress--then he (probably) meets OW again and lies about it. I'd be angry at the dweeb! You have a good head on your shoulders, and are doing so much right. Also sending hugs your way, and well-wishes that the trip helped him better realize what he has.

I get the idea behind the cool-warm-cool approach--he's uncomfortable around your family. I agree with Cali the rapid changes may be more confusing than helpful and if you pick one that's probably better.


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Could use some advice from the vets [Re: KristinG] #2872518
11/18/19 06:57 PM
11/18/19 06:57 PM
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may22 Offline OP
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Hi CG and Kristin,
You guys are so amazing... I'm really thankful for you both! smile

D7, D9 and I had a really great weekend. Did a ton of fun stuff (plus they cleaned up their playroom!!) and had a blast. H texted me a few times yesterday in the afternoon my time (evening his time-- he's now no longer in her city) and I didn't respond to the more comments/observation ones. He then texted "how are my babies?" and I waited 20 minutes or so then responded "Great!" He responded right away "Busy day? Tell them I love them" to which I didn't respond.

This morning he called/texted a couple of times to try to catch the girls and say hi in the morning. We called him back in the car on the way to school. I was pretty neutral but we chatted a bit and he talked to the girls too.

Originally Posted by Caligirl
Distant but friendly. Do the friendly house guest your coach said weeks ago .Enjoy time with your family . Really enjoy your family !!! It’s a tough balance . Don’t let his trip get into your head or emotions .

Originally Posted by KristinG
I agree with Cali in that I wouldn't go from NC to friendly and then back as it could come off as too hot and cold. I'm still wrapping my head around what a good balance actually means myself, but the friendly approach seems to effect your WH in a good way.

I'll work on this... I think you're both right. I saw on someone else's thread the analogy of the cat (?) coming out of the castle to sniff around your picnic, running back inside, etc and you just need to keep enjoying your picnic. (Maybe I'm mixing two together, but you get the gist.) Maybe he ran back inside with this trip. Kristin, he DOES respond well to friendliness. I'm just feeling angry right now and it is hard to be friendly/distant when I want to do a whole bunch of unproductive things, like saying horrible things to him that will be hard to take back.

I know my bias will be towards enjoying my family and letting H swing on the outs if he acts like a jerk (which he does when he is feeling insecure), but I think that would be pretty damaging. Last year on spring break we traveled with another family, H was a jerk one day and the other parents and I were all like WTF. I was not on his side and I know he really felt that distance from everyone... which made him say later that he knows most of our friends here are my friends, not his, so he doesn't have a lot to lose if we D since they're not really his friends anyway. Think this is something I'll have to really work on if I want to be his friend while my family is here. If he feels ostracized he'll just retreat further.

The other thing I can't stop thinking about-- which is also pretty unproductive-- is what is the AP possibly thinking? She seems like a fairly successful, good-looking woman, 33 yo (UGH--he was also proud to tell me she runs marathons)-- why is she wasting her time on this married man who lives 5000 miles away? I know that is what she's said to him also back in July/August, though maybe that was just a ploy to get him to leave me-- but in any case, even if it was "true love" between the two of them, the likelihood of it working out just seems so slim. I would guess her clock is ticking and maybe she feels like she's invested a lot of time now into my H, but they're both being total idiots.


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019 (started Jan 2019)
Re: Could use some advice from the vets [Re: may22] #2872723
12 hours ago
12 hours ago
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Posts: 97
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may22 Offline OP
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Not much to report. He's texting a lot, called a few times, being really nice. In fact, I was kind of annoyed at him on the phone (spillover from the whole sitch) and he defused the situation and made me laugh. Nice to see him doing the hard work for a change.

Still mulling over whether or not to tell my mom any of what is going on when my parents get here tomorrow, and a bit worried about the family dynamics, but overall I'm feeling less angry and more back into calm DB mode.


Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
DB1 ILYB: April 2019
DB2 H told me about EA: August 2019 (started Jan 2019)
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